Cid Poker

"Hey Shera!" Cid Highwind shouted from his own living room while he unfolded a folding table, "you find a f#in' deck of cards yet? My guests'll be here any minute now."

"Cid!" the stifled response came, "I'm in the bathroom. Find your own cards."

"Geez woman! Can't you do anything right?" Cid made his way to the bathroom door. "What do I pay you for?"

"Cid, there are so many things wrong with what you've said to me just now. First, your 'guests' you've never met. You just invited them because you want to see which Cid is the best card player, and possibly to go out back with one or two of them and return alone."

"Heh, you certainly got that right." Cid pulled a cigarette out of his jacket pocket and lit it with one of his many poorly crafted lighters. Then he promptly kicked the door. "You find the cards yet?"

"Cid! I am still in the bathroom and I can't look for them yet. To continue, if it weren't for me, you'd be dead after that rocket incident, and finally, you don't pay me!"

A flushing sound acted as a censor for Cid as he spouted off a chain of cuss words. "And another thing. If you plan on staying in my house, I'd appreciate you serving me and da boys drinks wearing that bikini of yours."

"I don't think my bikini will fit the beer cans oh grammatically correct one."

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about Shera, but will you shut the #! up and find my cards?"

"Oh, uhh, Cid?" Shera emerged from the bathroom holding a deck of cards in her hand. "What were these doing in the bathroom?"

"Ha! I knew it!" Cid grabbed the cards out of Shera's hand. "Why are you looking at me like that? You don't enjoy a little solitaire on the john?"

Shera walked slowly out of the room. "I certainly hope those other Cids are nothing like you."

The sounds of a low flying airship filled the entire town, followed by a louder noise. Both Cid and Shera ran outside to see that some whale-like ship had hit the rocket ship, which was beginning to slowly fall towards the town. Thinking quickly, Cid did nothing. Shera on the other hand, ran back inside and pushed a giant red button which caused the four open posts on the rocket launch pad to close in and clamp the rocket before it could devastate the town.

"Cid," Shera whispered walking proudly outside to meet the stunned Cid, "Cid. Your cigarette fell out of your mouth again Cid...and you're drooling Cid. And what was that about not doing anything right? Cid? C-Cid?"

Cid was watching the airship park just outside of the town and Shera rushed back in the house. Several people climbed from the ship at once heading toward Cid's house.

"Cid!" the group shouted in unison.

"Cids!" Cid shouted back at them all leading them into the small house that was barely big enough for all of them. Everybody sat around the card table quietly. "All right everybody. I don't know who the f# you all are, so everybody introduce your f#in' selves. Let's start with you baldy."

"Me?" the Final Fantasy X Cid started. "My name is Cid-"

"No shit," Cid interrupted.

"I come from the land of Spira. I'm Al Behd. I have-"

"Okay baldy. I asked your f#in' name. If you don't have a last goddamn name, we'll just call you 'Baldy.' Who's next? How 'bout you in the yellow slicker."

"Oh," Final Fantasy VI's Cid said, "I don't have a last name either. If you want, you can call me Gramps. That's what Celes called me."

"Gramps? F# no! And who the hell is Celes? Ah, I don't care. I'm calling you 'Slick.' Is there anybody else without a last name? I'm great at making names up."

"I do not have a last name," the Cid from Final Fantasy V spoke up, "and like the last man to speak, I was also called Gramps. Mid would-"

"Mid? Who the f#? Ah, I still don't care. I'll call you 'Ugly' from now on and be done with it."

"Ugly is not a proper name for me," He responded. "I come from a time before graphics were good, and playing a non-main role, I have no character sketch and therefore my physical appearance-"

"Holy shit! I have no idea what the hell you're saying. You some kind of smart ass? I've got a better name for you. I'm gonna call you SM for Smart ass!"

"SM? Why would SM be a proper abbreviation for smart ass? It should be SA."

"Hey, you shut the f# up or I'll stick dynamite up your ass and blow your nuts all over this house!"

"Your understanding of the effects of dynamite combined with your lack of knowledge of the human anatomy are astounding."

"Everybody who thinks we should duct tape this asshole's mouth shut raise your hands." No hands went up. "GODDAMMIT! RAISE YOUR F#IN' HANDS!"

Everybody's hands went up this time, SM's hand included.

"Thank you," Cid calmed down and sat back in the seat he had risen out of. "Okay, continuing on, how 'bout you next?"

"Ah, about time. My name is Orlandu. I am a swordsman serving-"

"Wait! Orlandu? This game is only for Cids."

"Well, my nickname is T.G. Cid. The T.G. stands for Thunder God."

"Ha! You're not even a Cid! You wish you were a Cid. You don't know how pathetic you are."

Orlandu began shaking with anger. He pulled out his sword and shouted, "Holy Explosion!" A circular beam from the sky hit Cid, knocking him back into his seat he kept rising out of.

"Is that all you got?" He said seeming unharmed.

"Why didn't that harm you?" The stunned Orlandu looked over the smiling Cid as he lit up a cigarette.

"It's the differences in worlds," SM stated, hoping not to get his mouth duct taped, "You, Orlandu, come from a world where 999 is considered the highest amount of damage, but in Mr. Highwind's world, the maximum amount of total hit points is 9,999."

"But even still," Orlandu said, "it should have also confused him."

"Confuse him?" SM said. "I don't think you can confuse something with such a lack of intelligence. Your spell did take full effect however, because your attack moves in a straight line and does not target a single person."

"So?" Orlandu asked.

SM pointed behind Cid's chair at Shera. She had apparently been hit with the confusion and was walking back and forth behind Cid, giving him potions occasionally, and hitting him with a newspaper for no apparent reason.

"Ah nobody gives a damn about her anyways," Cid said standing back up. "Let's find out more names. How about you hairy?"

"Who me?" Final Fantasy IV's Cid spoke up while polishing the mirrors he had glued to his shoes. "My name's Cid Pollendina."

"Ah, yes, you." Final Fantasy IX's Cid stood and looked at Pollendina's shoe mirrors. "You must be the one that Erin, my airship's pilot and personal escort, was telling me about. She said you kept dropping money on the ground so she could bend over and pick it up. Mind you, she didn't mind. She made about five hundred gil."

"I have heard of the great 'Peeping Cid' as well," SM said. "You know Mr. Highwind, that would be a good name for Mr. Pollendina since you like making names up."

"F# no!" Cid yelled. "What a goddam long name. His name is gonna be Polly."

"And what will you be gwok calling me sir?" Final Fantasy IX's Cid asked.

"What the f# did you just say? Gwok? Well gwok you, you bastard!"

"I apologize. I occasionally make noises like an oglop or a frog..."

"Well, I occasionally make noises like an asshole. Now knock that shit off, Buggy. Now who else do we have? I guess you're the last one old man."

"Oh, rats," Final Fantasy VIII's Cid said, "well, I'm the headmaster at Balamb Garden. I'm married to this woman, Edea as she was most commonly known." He held out a picture of Edea toward the table of Cids.

"Whoa man. She's f#in' hot! I'll call you Lucky. As for me, all of you will call me Cid. Got it? Good. Now lets play some cards." Cid grabbed the cards and began dealing them out for five card draw. Shera continued to walk in circles. "How do you make her stop that, Poser Cid?"

"Hit her with something," Orlandu said.

"I hear that." Cid picked up a glass bowl and hurled it at her head, but with his superb aim, he missed, and the bowl shattered against the rear wall. SM stood up, walked over to Shera and hit her lightly in the head, reverting her to her normal self.

"What the?" Shera looked around confused.

"Yeah, Poser Cid maked you confusioned," Cid said while everybody else lowered their heads in shame from Cid's stunning vocabulary, "and while you were like that, you broke that bowl, so clean that shit up and get us some beers and a bowl of chips."

Shera did what he told her to, then left the house to avoid the Cid party. Cid and SM sat back down. Cid looked at his cards: two queens, two jacks, and a four. "I'll open for a thousand gil," he said.

"Gil?" several Cids said in unison.

"Ah dammit. I forgot you shithole monkey suckers don't use gil. Lets just bet chips." Cid reached into the bowl of Fritos while the rest of them watched him seriously bet chips. The rest of them bet playing chips. "Okay, I got two pair, queens and jacks."

"Well I think I'm going to win," Lucky said proudly, "I have the Seifer card."

"Good luck beating my oglops," Buggy said.

"Wait! What the f# are you guys talking about?" Cid yelled across the table. "I beat you both because you're using fake cards!"

"I don't think they understand your game of poker Mister Highwind," SM said. "They only know how to play Triple Triad and Tetra Master."

"Oh man," Cid said hanging his head, "I ain't explaining how to play f#in' poker. You guys can just leave if you don't know how to play. Go play your Triangle Master or whatever you said outside."

"Cid?" Shera tapped Cid on the shoulder.

"You back already? What do you want?"

"I'll teach them to play. You can play with the elite poker-cids while I get the rest up to speed."

Cid waved her into the next room and pointed for the few Cids to follow her. Buggy and Lucky followed her.

"Umm..." Polly joined the conversation, "I only know how to play uhh... Magic: The Gathering! I need to go too."

"You just wanna be in there with Shera you peeping perverted f#." Even with his cruel comment, Cid waved Polly into the other room, and Polly left. "Okay, so we got SM, Slick, Baldy, and Poser Cid left. Lets play. I got two pair."

"We haven't drawn yet," Baldy said. "but since we all know what you have, I'm gonna fold."

"You cueball shithead ass licker! You all suck. New hand! And gimme back my chips." Cid reached into the pot (Cid set up the table, so of course there was a black pot in the middle of the table) and started eating his chips. He passed the cards to Slick who began dealing them out. The Cids asked for their new cards, Cid and Baldy taking two each, SM taking one, and Orlandu and Slick taking three each. They all bet and revealed their hands.

"I won," SM said non-enthusiastically.

"Goddammit!" Cid yelled. "I only needed one more queen and I'd have had four-of-a-kind! Where the hell is that other queen?" Cid grabbed the deck and started searching. "It's not in here! Where the-"

"I think I can guess where it is," Slick said. "You may want to check the pockets of that bearded fellow."

"POLLY!" Cid yelled and ran into the room with Shera and the other Cids. He came back dragging Polly by his beard, holding the queen of hearts in the other hand. "Okay, I'm getting pissed off at you bastards. We'll play one last hand and each person puts up their airship. Winner takes all the airships. I got my Highwind in."

"I'll put in the ship I came here in," Polly said.

"I'll put in my ship," SM said, "it can withstand dimensional vortexes."

"I don't have a ship," Slick said, "but that Setzer fellow was a gambling man. I'll put up his girlfriend's Falcon. He won't mind."

"I'll put in my best Hilda Garde," Buggy said. "It flies extremely fast and can land on dirt!"

"I don't have a ship," Lucky said, "but I'll put in Squall's Ragnarok."

"That's a sword, dumbass," Cid said.

"No, it's actually a fairly nice ship," Lucky responded.

"I'll put my ship in," Baldy said. "It has a nice weapon system on it."

"What's an airship?" Orlandu asked. Cid got up quickly and ran to the wall where his spear hung. Shera blocked him and told Orlandu to wait outside until the game ended, and he did so.

Cid sat back down and shuffled the cards. Then, he counted the cards. Then he shuffled again, glaring at Polly. SM cut the deck, and Cid dealt out the cards. The room was scarily quiet. SM, Slick, Baldy, and Polly all took three cards. Cid and Lucky took two. Buggy took four.

"Okay, what do all you guys got?" Cid said proudly.

"First," Lucky said smugly, "what do you have?"

"Ha, well, I'll show ya." Cid threw his hand down face up and pointed proudly. "Full house! Aces over jacks!" The group of Cids stared at his hand with open mouths.

"So what do all of you have?" Cid asked, knowing by their expressions that nobody could beat his hand.

"I'll tell you what I have," SM said. "I have an unlisted address! Run everyone!"

The group of Cids ran out of the house and toward Polly's airship, which they all came in. Orlandu joined the group and ran for the ship. Cid chased them, throwing salad bowls at them and at the ship as it took off.

" YOU F#IN' QUEERS!" Cid yelled, still hurling salad bowls.

"Oh yeah?" Slick yelled over the side of the ship, "Well at least I wasn't in Kingdom Hearts!"

Cid's face turned extremely red. Suddenly, a giant meteor crashed into the airship. The ship exploded along with its crew. Cid looked behind him at the silver-haired man who snuck up behind him.

"I liked Kingdom Hearts," Sephiroth said evilly.

The End