The Hardest Thing to Say

Part Two

(Due to popular request)

Dean smiled when Sam linked hands with him, as they drove. It felt so good to finally be honest with his brother about the dark feelings he'd had since he was small. It was just a shame it had nearly taken Sam to die for them to both find each other. Dean felt a lump forming in the back of his throat even thinking about how close he had come to loosing that which was sacred to him. He was glad of the touch of his brother's hand, reassuring him that Sam was alive, and next to him. He kissed his brother's hand, holding it so gently in place.

They pulled into the car park, and Dean shut off the engine, looking deep into Sam's eyes, not wanting to let go of him for even a moment just in case he vanished again. Sam leaned in closer, drawing his brother into another kiss, lingering as long as possible. Leaving them both breathless and craving more, faces mere inches apart breathing heavily. "We should go inside," Sam suggested, his eyes shining with desire.

Dean tried to calm his breathing, bring his mind back to some form of sanity. Not the raving beast who wanted to break out and fuck his brother until neither of them could take anymore. He had to think about Sam's needs, not his own personal desires. The boy's brains were scrambled, was he sure about all of this? Or was it just a way to feel something other than the blackness inside of him. Dean didn't think he could take it if they did this, and Sam regretted it afterwards. It would tear him apart to lose Sam.

"Dean, are you coming?" Sam asked, enjoying the double meaning as it rolled off his tongue. HE got out of the car and slammed the door shut behind him.

"Sam, we can't do this." Dean said following him from the car.

That was the wrong thing to say, in the wrong way right now. Sam glared at him, "Am I not good enough for you now? Did you just say all that shit to stop me jumping?"

"Sam, don't be a girl!" Dean snapped.

"What do you expect me to act like when you want to kiss and run?" Sam snapped. He stalked off a short distance, his fists balled in anger.

Dean stomped after him, and grabbed his brother by the shoulder. Sam whirled around and punched Dean so hard on the jaw, that he stumbled back three paces. "You lied to me, you son of a bitch! I would never have admitted if I had thought you didn't mean any of it!" Sam shouted.

Dean stood and took it as Sam punched him again, this was the most animated, the most alive he had seen his brother in months. If that meant be had to take a few hits to help his brother, then he would take it willingly. Drinking hadn't worked with him, nor talking, Sam had just closed up no matter how much whisky he poured in the kid. Somehow now, all of the pain was pouring out of him, and that couldn't be a bad thing. The boy carried around way too much baggage to keep on breathing. Dean didn't say a word, just let the bad and the hurt talk their way out of his brother.

"You selfish bastard, all these years I've been in love with you. That's why I ran away to Stamford, NOT DAD! That's why I left Jess the second you turned up, and I hated myself for it cause I got her killed. That was on me! What the hell do you think I went off the rails when you died?" Sam was crying now, but it wasn't slowing him down any. He paced restlessly across the quiet parking lot, clenching and unclenching his fists like he wanted to kill someone.

"Do you have any idea how Lucifer got to me?" Sam demanded.

Dean shook his head, not daring to speak in case it broke this spell. Wanting to hold his brother and hug him, take away this pain, but frozen to the spot listening.

"Lucifer found out my secret, he found out about you. He spent an eternity killing you in front of me, making me kill you. A piece of my heart died every single time. Chaining me up and making me watch as he tortured and eventually raped you. When he was done with you, then he'd come to me and finish the job." Sam's voice quavered, "In the end I used to beg him to take me, anything to spare myself from having to see you tortured again. I used to keep you pictured in my mind, and try not to think about what he was doing to me. I tried to pretend it was YOU! Even now when I close my eyes I'm right back there seeing him hurt you. I can't take it!"

Sam shook his head, the tears falling so heavily he can hardly see. "For you to make fun of me, to taunt me with your love. Its crueller then any trick he ever played." Sam finished in a whisper, his anger spent finally.

Dean's world was rocked, his heart bleeding. "Sam I am so sorry."

Sam laughed dryly, "Yeah I bet you are! Goodbye Dean, don't call me. Ever!" All he wanted to do was get away from here and break down in private with a bottle, and a few more suicide attempts.

"No, Sammie, I'm sorry I didn't tell you this years ago, and saved you from all this pain." Dean said softly.

"That you hate your faggert brother, yeah I got the memo now." Sam answered, grabbing some gear out of the impala.

"Just stop talking!" Dean snapped coming up behind him.

Sam turned around to say something snotty, to find himself spread back across the impala for the second time tonight, with one brisk push. "What the…?" Sam didn't get to finish his sentence as Dean claimed his brother's lips for his own. His tongue darted roughly out and forced its way into Sam's mouth, tracing the line of his jaw. A deep feral moan escaped Sam's throat. Dean laughed breaking the kiss. "I thought?"

Dean shook his head, "I thought you were just playing along with me, that you didn't really want."

"Hell no!" Sam breathed dragging the motel room keys out of his jeans, nearly dropping them in his rush.

Dean eased them from his brothers shaking hands, unlocked the door and drew him inside. The apartment inside was neat and tidy, bar some empty take out containers and a huge amount of empty bottles. "Damn Sam, how much have you been drinking?"

"Not enough!" Sam answered.

Dean gave him a look, the I'm a concerned big brother and I'm allowed to worry patented look. Sam pulled off his shirt and tee shirt slowly, its distracted Dean from thinking about Sam's health. He admired the view, for once being able to do it openly and not hide the fact. "Nice bodywork." He commented.

"Nice ass." Sam said back with a faint smile.

Dean felt awkward, not sure where to go from here. Sam saw that, and pulled him into an embrace kissing down Dean's neck. His brother half closed his eyes in pleasure, slipping his hand down to squeeze Sam's rear as hard as he could. Dean grabbed a handful of Sam's hair, and dragged his up for another breath taking kiss. "I want you so badly." He whispered.

That was the only invite Sam needed, he tore Dean's tee shirt off. Lowering his lips to kiss a line down Dean's bare neck and chest.

"Are you sure?" he asked again, still terrified that he was forcing his little brother into this sick act.

"Surer then I've been for years!" he hissed back. Sam traced a line of kisses across Dean's firm stomach as he undid his brother's belt.

The fire burning so strong in them both, Dean slammed his brother against eh wall. Hungry kisses followed, he bit down on his brother's neck so hard he tasted blood. Dean felt guilty for the wound, until he saw how turned on Sam was. Dean tried to remember what his brother liked in bed. He didn't know much, but he remembered a little from when he'd accidently walked in on them. Sam liked it a little rough, girl on top it filtered through his brain.

So Dean pinned him tighter against the wall, holding Sam's arms above his head with one hand, while the other teased and rubbed at the bulge in Sam's jeans. Extremely satisfied at the noises coming from his brother.

Sam, tried to undress his brother, but he slapped him away. There was no hurry, they could take their time and enjoy this. Forget about the world crumbling around their ears outside this room. Just concentrate on what was here in front of them right now. Sam grew so hard in Dean's hands that he had to help him remove his jeans to let him breath. Sam stripped his brother bare as well, so he wasn't alone. They stood there for a few moments admiring the bodies they had always tried to avoid looking at. Admiring every curve, and patch of toned muscle.

Sam took the lead this time, pushing his brother onto the bed, cuddling with him as they explored each other's bodies for the first time. Each kiss drawing them closer together in their forbidden love. Lucifer was screaming at Sam that it wasn't real, but Sam didn't care. It felt so real, and so good, even if it was a dream it was one he would cherish forever. He slide down the bed and wrapped his lips around his brother's muscle. Teasing him, licking the tip, touching him in all the right places, as only another man can truly know.

Dean had never had a partner be so inside his head, so in tune with what he needed as his brother was right now. He strained under the gentle attention, wanting so badly to give into the feelings. This wasn't about him though, this was about giving Sam a reason to carry on. Dean rolled on top of his brother, positioning himself carefully so he didn't hurt him. Stroking fiercely while they kissed, he wasn't quite ready to go all in a kiss another man's bell end. Then again he wasn't far off it either, the smell of testosterone, mixed with sweat and Sam's spicy aftershave intoxicating. He wondered how to approach the more delicate subject of protection.

Sam must had read his mind, cause he pointed to the bedside drawers. Smiling, Dean pulled it open to find an assortment of packets, some lube, and something he didn't expect. Dean held them out in wonder, "Handcuffs? You kinky bastard, I always had you pinned as this innocent in bed. Totally vanilla!"

Sam blushed, "Not something you talk about with your brother."

"Turn over!" Dean ordered.

Sam sheepishly obeyed and grinned as he was handcuffed to the bed. "My kinky baby brother." He chuckled, slapping Sam's rear.

"Stop teasing me!" Sam remarked sulking.

"Oh Sammie, I ain't even started to tease you yet!" Dean promised. Applying a healthy amount of lube to his hands, he snaked one around to stroke as the other hand pushed a finger up Sam's crack, teasing, tempting him.

"Oh God!" Sam moaned.

"God's so formal, you can still call me Dean!" he quipped.

"Bitch!" Sam whispered.

Dean retorted by pushing harder, Sam half insane with desire groaned deeper. As he continued the torment, he heard a throaty affair not at all like the high pitched exhale of a woman. Dean still knew what it meant, it was time he upped the stakes. Removing his touch, leaving Sam barren and desperate for me. Dean covered himself, added more lube and pushed himself slowly inside. He had to stop a moment and get used to the feeling before it ended the sport, before it had even started.

It all felt so different, but so god damn good at the same time. Carefully, Dean started to thrust, still stroking Sam's length. He wasn't sure where he ended, and Sam began as the passion flowed through them. He kissed Sam's back, hungry for the taste of him.

Sam's groaning grew louder, the muscle twitching in his hands in a way that only meant one thing. The boy exploded, screaming Dean's name. Clenching down on his brothers cock in a way that a few seconds later had him seeing stars as well. "Oh god!" Dean whispered, his face buried in Sam's back as he came as well.

They stayed together a few moments longer, until Dean found the strength to roll onto his side. They kissed, full of the remains of the passion they had just shared.

"Feel better?" Dean asked sleepily.

Sam didn't answer, he didn't need to, just grinned and kissed his brother again.

"No more tears?" Dean asked.

Sam shook his head, "Never again, I love you Dean."

Dean could have cried himself then, it held it together –just. He slapped Sam's ass again and rolled over.

"Erm Dean, are you gonna untie me?" Sam asked.

"Nope…"