A/N: This was a particularly vicious plot bunny. I mean the bunny was like the one in Monty Python. Yeah. It was that bad. I had stitches in my side from all the ideas it gave me, so I've decided to share some with you all. I might eventually add a scene with Dumbledore and Harry's reactions, I'm not sure. I mean no offense to anyone, this fic is just for laughs. There aren't any pairings in this fic (I think) unless you squint reaaally hard at a 394 degree angle. Have fun reading!
Many men and women in black cloaks and silver masks stood in the throne room of Riddle Manor. They were waiting for their Lord to arrive. He always came on time to the meetings at seven o'clock sharp, and every one of his followers were expected to be there by then. But for now, there were at least thirty minutes left until he arrived (since no one wanted to chance his wrath by being late). This time was normally used for idle chatting, like it was currently.
Not all of the Dark Lord's followers were purebloods. Some were halfbloods, and there were even a few muggleborns. The muggleborns included witches and wizards who had negative experiences with muggles or who just liked the Dark Lord's charismatic personality enough to put up with his views. And although the muggleborns embraced the culture of the Wizarding World, they still clung to several ideas of the muggles', including religion. Particularly ideas from Christianity. Of course, they skimmed over the idea of magic being wrong and sinful. That was just ridiculous to believe since they were magicals themselves. But they still believed strongly in God and Jesus Christ. And it was as one muggleborn follower talked with his friend about Jesus that he came to a strange, albeit possible conclusion.
Looking over at his best mate, Steve slowly tried to put his thought process to words. He wanted to make sure he wasn't going mental, so he took a deep breath, and began, "Gerald, I've an idea. An idea so crazy, so ludicrous, so simply unbelievable, that it must be true. Our Lord is the Dark Lord. Who is Jesus? He is the Lord. What if our Lord, our Lord and Master, was the Lord, Jesus Christ?" Getting a look of disbelief, he clarified, "Have you heard our Lord curse before? No? Well, he never uses wizard sayings. He uses muggle ones. Just the other day, I heard him say, 'Good God!'" At this fact, Gerald's eyes widened, "Good God, he said! Does that not sound like something Jesus would say? Our Lord is the Second Coming, Gerald!"
Gerald saw Steve's point. Their Lord was the Second Coming! They had to act, now, and fast! "Steve," he said in a rush of excitement, "we need to spread the word. We need to tell everyone we know about this miracle! Jesus has come to us in the form of our Lord! He's come to deliver us from the Light!" Some of the Death Eaters surrounding them backed away, seeing the crazed look in their eyes, but others, those who have heard a bit about Jesus, came closer. They wanted to hear this. Could their Lord really be the Savior?
A crowd grew around Steve and Gerald, who were preaching the wonders of their Lord and the Lord Jesus Christ. They preached how they were the loyal, faithful servants of Jesus because of His Second Coming as their Lord. Many of the Pagan purebloods worried that those baffling Christian mudbloods were on to something. They too had witnessed their Lord say things like "Glory be!" and "Sweet Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!" He even said "Bless you!" to Macnair when he sneezed one time! It was finally clear to them. They needed to convert to this Christianity, ASAP. Otherwise, their Lord may smite them. They didn't want to find out.
As Lord Voldemort walked into his throne room, he was a bit puzzled. All of his followers were gathered in one spot, with the purebloods (for some reason) crying on the muggleborns' and halfbloods' shoulders. Even Lucius was in tears! He was blabbering nonsense about how he was sorry he was a sinner and how he...needed the Holy Spirit? And how he didn't want to go to hell? What?
"What is the meaning of this? And, pray tell, why do you all weep?"
They all looked at each other for a moment, and then a voice from the center of the mass could be heard, saying, "Oh, how kind our Lord is! He cares about us! He must be the one true Lord! Praise the Lord!" A chorus of "Praise the Lord!"s followed, as well as a few "Amen!"s. Huh. His followers were acting especially weird tonight, but it's not like he wouldn't accept the praise. Finally, they showed him some appreciation for all the hard work he does.
After that revelation, the meeting continued as usual. It was also noted that the Dark Lord said "Sweet Mary, Mother of God!" and "Jesus Christ!" when he was surprised. That only further confirmed his followers' new found beliefs. By the week's end, they each swore to help bring new believers from all over the world to their Lord in order to save as many souls as possible and to help bring closer their own salvation.
Lord Voldemort: Evil Dark Lord or Dedicated Missionary?
Readers, it has come to my attention that a massive group of Christian witches and wizards has come out of seemingly nowhere here in Wizarding Britain. They have literally popped up overnight, and the people involved will undoubtedly shock and amaze you! Most of these firm believers are current Death Eaters, notably including mass murderers like the LeStranges, Walden Macnair, Fenrir Greyback, and the Carrows. Have these horrifying Death Eaters changed tunes? I truly believe so. Below is an interview I had with one Bellatrix LeStrange. Fear not, good people, I was not harmed at any point during this meeting with this charming, sane witch.
RS: Mrs. LeStrange, there have been rumors that You-Know-Who is actually working for the good of the entire magical world. As one of his most loyal followers, would you please elaborate?
BL: Of course. My Lord is, in fact, trying to save the souls of as many magical beings as possible. Witch or wizard, magical creature or not, it doesn't matter to him. He wants to save us all. It has recently been proven that he is actually making efforts to spread the Christian faith to all parts of the world. His goal is to have us all be saved by the glory and grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
RS: He is? *here I admit to being shocked, since I thought the rumors false* About how many followers do you say he has now, as of this very moment?
BL: Well, we already have gained believers in the Americas, Africa, and Europe. We're working on Asia now, China in particular. I know that we had at least 2.4 billion followers last night when I checked, and we're bound to have many more today. *she gave a soft smile at this* My Lord has saved so many already! Oh, what a great and loving Lord He is!
RS: ...That many, huh? Okay, wow. I thought your Lord wanted the deaths of all muggleborns and muggles, etc. Why is he saving them now?
BL: My Lord has always wanted the best for us, and many of His followers are muggleborns.
RS: Amazing. What a wonderful person he is. Mrs. LeStrange, it has been a pleasure speaking with you. Thank you for this enlightening information.
BL: No problem, Ms. Skeeter. Anything to help our cause. May the Lord be with you!
Now, I believe this interview speaks for itself. Lord Voldemort is no Dark Lord. I have checked with reporters from Tokyo, Buenos Aires, New York, and Egypt, and they all say the same thing. Lord Voldemort is the world's most dedicated and caring missionary in history! He is also the most successful, considering the fact that he has over two thirds of the entire magical population of earth following the magical Christian faith, with the rest soon to follow. Readers, I urge you to give this man a chance. He was able to turn the worst human beings alive into fine, upstanding citizens who couldn't even hurt a fly. I, for one, am going to be converted to this new faith this Sunday at noon.
Reporting faithfully,
Rita Skeeter