Chaos Weary
Piotr stood in the kitchen of the Acolyte base while watching a pot simmer on the stove. He turned off the heat and carefully transferred the pot's contents to a plate. Eagerly he took a seat at the counter and prepared to take his first bite.
"What is going on here?"
"Huh?" Piotr looked up and saw Magneto standing in the doorway. "Oh, hello."
"Don't you 'hello' me," Magneto growled. "I asked you a question. What are you doing?"
"Um, eating some artichokes," Piotr said indicating his plate.
"AT ONE THIRTY IN THE MORNING?" Magneto roared.
"I like artichokes," Piotr shrugged and popped a peeled leaf into his mouth. "And this is just a little snack."
"A snack?" Magneto gawked at the pair of large artichokes sitting on the plate. "There's more fiber on that plate than everything we had for dinner!"
"So? Artichokes are good for you," Piotr commented as he ate. "They help lower blood cholesterol and contain a lot of antioxidants."
"So does gasoline, but you don't see me guzzling some down!" Magneto snapped and straightened his bathrobe. "If you like artichokes so much why didn't you just fix them to have with dinner?"
"Well...I am also allergic to artichokes," Piotr admitted uncomfortably. "Whenever I eat them they combine with my mutation to cause a very embarrassing reaction."
"Alright, I know I'm going to regret this, but I just have to know," Magneto sighed. "What kind of reaction?"
"Uh..." Piotr began when he suddenly armored up. However, instead of his skin's usually steel-like color, several large sections of his armor were colored green, red and turquoise.
"Okay," Magneto blinked at Piotr's appearance. "I have to admit I wasn't expecting that!"
"See? The artichoke activates my powers and I am unable to return to my normal form for several hours," Piotr explained as he took another bite. His face immediately turned bright yellow. "And it gives me several strange rashes that change color and positions every now and then."
"Fine! Whatever! Just eat your darn artichokes," Magneto threw up his hands. "Though I understand why you prefer to eat them alone. You look ridiculous!"
"Thanks a lot," Piotr muttered under his breath. "So what are you doing up? Are you going to have a few bowls of silk mocha ice cream again?"
"No!" Magneto spat a little too quickly. "I did not come in here to eat ice cream! I just came in here to get a glass of water."
"Oh, okay," Piotr shrugged as a streak of orange appeared on his right arm.
Magneto quickly got a glass of water and drank it. "There. See? Now I'm going to get some sleep. Which is what you should be doing too!"
"I will. After I have finished my artichokes," Piotr said.
"Fine! And make sure to clean up your mess when you're done!" Magneto ordered as he left.
"Yes sir," Piotr sighed as he finished off the first artichoke and started on the second.
"Well this stinks," Magneto grumbled as he angrily headed down the hallway. "So much for my usual post midnight snack. Colossus just had to have a snack too. He shouldn't be up this late. Hmmm, maybe I should start enforcing a curfew around here."
Magneto walked past the Control Room and heard a slight noise coming from inside. "Great. Now what?" Magneto frowned and quietly entered the room. He saw Remy sitting in his nightclothes hunched over the main computer and silently levitated himself over to him.
"That's it petite," Remy grinned as closely watched one of the monitors. "You're doing fine. Just a little bit more and..."
"Gambit!"
"Aaahhhhhhhhh!" Remy jumped up and nearly sprained his neck. "Oh, hey Mags! Man, you nearly gave me a heart attack."
"I'll attack more than your heart you careless idiot. And don't call me Mags!" Magneto growled and loomed over Remy intimidating. "What the heck are you doing? You'd better not be trying to sell Sabertooth's organs online again!"
"I'm not," Remy defended. "Though I still don't see why he has such a big problem with it. So the guy loses a lung, liver, gall bladder and both kidneys. It's not like they didn't grow right back."
"Too bad the same can't be said for common sense," Magneto muttered. "What are you doing up? What are you up to?"
"Nothing," Remy waved casually while trying to block Magneto's view of the monitors.
"Gambit," Magneto rumbled dangerously. "Either you tell me what you are up to or I will shoot you out a pulse cannon in your underwear."
"Well when you put it like that," Remy quipped. "I'm busy trying to steal a satellite."
"A satellite?" Magneto blinked. "You mean one that's getting ready for launch?"
"No. I mean one that's already in orbit," Remy indicated the monitor. "See? I'm using one of your stealth satellites equipped with mini ion thrusters, lasers and grappling arms. All I gotta do is find a target, rendezvous with it and, bam! It's mine!"
"WHAT?" Magneto yelped. "Are you insane? What am I saying? Why the heck are you trying to steal a satellite?"
"To sell it, duh," Remy gave him a look. "Do you know how much a typical satellite goes for? About thirty to fifty million bucks! And they're so easy to capture, disable and hide from prying eyes. It's like swiping art statues. See, I got three already!"
"I don't believe this," Magneto was too stunned to think clearly. "You're telling me you are using one of my state-of-the-art stealth satellites in order to steal other satellites?"
"Yep," Remy grinned and worked the control board. "Hey, I got another one! Aw, it's only a CIA spy satellite. Like there aren't already a couple hundred of those around."
"You just stole a CIA spy satellite?" Magneto gasped.
"Yeah, too bad. I was hoping for one that transmits satellite TV," Remy sighed. "People will actually pay for one of them."
"Good. You'll need the money after I put you on permanent life support!" Magneto roared. "You know you aren't supposed to be sneaking around at night working on things behind my back! And you are definitely not allowed to use my personal satellites like they are parts of some stupid video game! SHIELD could detect them and shut them down or blow them up! Your careless activities are complete and total lunacy!"
"Hey, at least I'm using your satellites for something useful! And I was going to give you a ten percent commission!" Remy snapped. "Besides, it's a heck of a lot better than what Pyro is trying to do!"
"I don't care! You are to stop this insanity right now or...huh?" Magneto stopped and realized what Remy had said. "Wait a second. What is Pyro trying to do?"
"You mean you haven't seen him yet?" Remy raised an eyebrow. "Wow, he might just get to try out his latest idea after all."
"What latest idea?" Magneto roared impatiently.
"Well, apparently Pyro was watching a movie or something on TV earlier today about rockets," Remy explained. "Somehow he got it into his head that rockets are just big, super hot jets of flame. And since he can control and manipulate the intensity of fire..."
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro zoomed into the Control Room while wearing his pajamas, a helmet and a pair of roller skates. He also had a large jet pack made of fire on his back which shot out two huge columns of flames. "YEAH! LOOK AT ME! I'M ROCKET MAN! I'M GONNA BLAST OFF INTO SPACE!"
"Great. Then we'll finally be able to see fire fly," Remy quipped.
"PYRO YOU MANIAC!" Magneto screamed and just barely managed to dive out of the way of Pyro's highly erratic path. "THE ONLY SPACE YOU'LL KNOW IS THE BIG EMPTY ONE BETWEEN YOUR EARS!"
"Hey, watch it!" Remy yelped as Pyro nearly knocked him out of his chair.
"COME ON ME BEAUTIES! KEEP POURING ON THE HEAT AND GET ME TO FLY!" Pyro giggled insanely as he tried to achieve liftoff.
"YOU'RE GONNA FLY RIGHT INTO A COFFIN WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" Magneto yelled and tried to stop him. "AAAUUUGGGHHH! YOU JUST HAD TO MAKE YOUR STUPID ROCKET PACK OUT OF FLAMES INSTEAD OF METAL!"
"I have to admit he's getting smarter," Remy noted. "In one way at least."
"TALLY-HO!" Pyro cheered as he zoomed out of the room.
"GET BACK HERE YOU LUNATIC!" Magneto roared as he chased after him.
"Good luck with that," Remy quipped as he turned his attention back to the computer. "Now, where's a satellite that helps with GPS?"
"WAAAHOOOOOOOOO!" Pyro laughed as he tore down the hallway leaving a trail of scorched floor and wall panels in his wake.
"Aaarrrggghhh! Where did that flame-brained nutcase go to this time?" Magneto growled as he came to an intersection. Every hallway leading from it was covered with scorch marks. "How the heck does he always manage to disappear so fast? Does he have a secondary mutation I don't know about?"
"THAT'S IT MY FELLOW FIREROCKETS AND FIRECRACKERS!" Pyro was heard cackling in the distance. "HAVE SOME FLAMES AND BE FREE! FREE!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Oh course he does," Magneto twitched as the whole base shook from the explosions. "He has the power to drive me absolutely insane! That's it! I can't put up with this madness any longer! This can't be happening! I must be asleep. Yeah, that's it. I'm asleep! I'm sleepwalking! This is a dream! It's all a dream! It's not real!"
CRASH!
SMASH!
WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
KA-BOOOOOOM!
"Oh geeze, it is real!" Magneto moaned woefully. "Of course it's real. My whole life has become one, long, never-ending, living nightmare!" He howled and started pulling at his hair in exasperation. "What else could possibly happen tonight?"
"Duh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh-nuh, nuh, na!" Sabertooth slid out of his room wearing nothing but his socks, boxers, trench coat and a pair of dark sunglasses. "Duh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh-nuh, nuh, na!"
"What the..." Magneto blinked in shock as music started to blare from the stereo in Sabertooth's room.
"Just take those old records off the shelf!" Sabertooth began to dance around as he sang along with the music. "I'll sit and listen to them by myself! Today's music ain't got the same soul! I like that old time rock 'n roll!"
"Huh?" Magneto's jaw was nearly touching the floor as he gaped at Sabertooth's performance.
"Don't try and take me to a disco!" Sabertooth whipped out a canoe paddle and pretended to play it like a guitar. "You won't even get me out on the floor! Ten minutes I'll be late for the door! I like that old time rock 'n roll!"
"VICTOR!" Magneto finally managed to snap out of his shock. "WHAT THE DEVIL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"Oh, hey boss," Sabertooth flipped up his sunglasses and casually waved at Magneto. "What are you doing up?"
"I'm about to about to have a stroke, a heart attack, and an aneurysm all at the same time!" Magneto yelled as the music continued to play. "Right after I get over the fact I've just been rendered blind for life! For the love of mike put on some pants!"
"Can't. Had an incident with 'em," Sabertooth told him. "You see what happened was..."
"Forget it! Don't tell me! I don't want to know!" Magneto clasped a hand over his eyes. "Though I do want to know why you chose to come out here and make a complete fool out of yourself. Have you been into catnip again?"
"No," Sabertooth shook his head. "I was trying to sleep, but kept waking up from all the racket that's going on around here. So I said the heck with sleeping and decided to make a racket of my own!"
"Alright!" Remy was heard shouting from the Control Room. "I just nabbed a half a billion dollar weather satellite! Come to papa!"
BRRROOOAAAOOOWWWWWWWWW!
"HEY LOOK AT ME! I'M FLYING! I'M FLYING!" Pyro shouted triumphantly.
CRASH!
"See?" Sabertooth said as sounds of destruction and mayhem were heard in the distance.
"PYRO!" Magneto screamed and took off once again. "WHERE ARE YOU YOU INSANE LUNATIC? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BASE NOW?"
"Hey, I like this song," Piotr appeared and walked up to Sabertooth while still looking like a multicolored statue. "May I join you?"
"Eh, why not?" Sabertooth shrugged and flipped down his glasses. "Not like anybody is gonna be getting any sleep around here."
"Great," Piotr smiled.
"WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Pyro cackled insanely over the roar of rocket exhaust. "I DID IT! I DID IT! I'M FLYING! I'M A GENIUS!"
"GET DOWN FROM THERE YOU IDIOT!" Magneto was heard screaming at him. "YOU'RE DESTROYING THE CEILING! NO DON'T FLY OVER THERE! YOU'LL RUIN MY MURAL YOU CRAZY...AAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"Still like that old time rock 'n roll!" Piotr and Sabertooth sang as they danced in the hallway. Piotr's skin continued to change colors as he did so. "That kind of music just soothes the soul! I reminisce about the days of old! With that old time rock 'n roll!"
SMASH!
"HAHAHAHAHA!" Pyro whooped happily. "ROCKET MAN UP, UP AND AWAYYYYYY!"
CRASH!
WHUMP!
BOOM!
"JACKPOT!" Remy cheered.
"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Magneto screamed. "AND TO THINK I ACTUALLY EXPECT TO SLEEP AT NIGHT!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Old Time Rock and Roll".