The Last Time
I find myself at your door
Just like all those times before
I'm not sure how I got here
All roads- they lead me here
She hesitated briefly in front of the door to his basement. She really didn't know what to tell him this time, was he to ask her why she was there. He hadn't asked often, but when he had, she'd told him anything but the truth. Told him, she just wanted to have drinks, keep him company while working on a cold case… Or she came up with the most stupid line that had ever settled between them- "can't a guy/ woman just have or do this or that with their old partner?" She couldn't even remember, how that'd come up, but she was pretty sure it had come out of Jethro's stupid, handsome mouth sometime in the past. Her mind would come up with all kinds of answers to his question, all kinds except a truthful one.
The one that she just didn't know.
She knew that he basically blocked her mind simply by existing, seeping into her every problematic line of thought as a solution. It had been so easy to act out on that… solution six years ago. Six years ago when the world had stopped turning, or couldn't have turned faster, again, she really didn't know. Six years ago, when all she had to do was look him in the eyes and he'd save her from falling- and drag her down with him at the same time. Because she had fallen; agonizingly deep. It had scared the hell out of her at first, she wasn't one to fall in love that deeply. Or at least that's what she'd thought back then.
Her mouth turned up into a wry smile. How wrong she had been.
There had been times when she'd just strictly ignored the thought of still loving him. She had denied it on a daily basis, nearly shouting at her mind to stop letting him in. But this time was a different one. At one point she had known that there was no denying her love for him. Working through her thoughts like some kind of psychologist, Jenny had analyzed her confusion into one simple conclusion: she was still in love with him. So much, that it hurt sometimes.
She sucked in her breath sharply in surprise, when the door was opened and one Leroy Jethro Gibbs was looking at her.
"What are you doing, Jen?" he asked, half laughing at her state.
"I don't know." The words had escaped her mouth before she realized what she was saying. Realized, that her mind was betraying her in speaking the truth out loud. He looked her straight in the eye, trying to understand her. Not that he had to try very hard, Jethro had learned reading her like a book a long time ago, she knew that. Damn him. He opened the door a little wider and stepped back into the little corner beside the door, signalizing her to walk down the stairs. She raised her eyes to meet his gaze for a split second, pursing her lips, trying to gauge his reaction. His face was nearly unreadable, one corner of his mouth had turned up into a wry smile. She found herself unable to. She made her way down the stairs, slowly, feeling his gaze on her back.
They sat in comfortable silence, her back against the boat, his against the workbench. He looked at her, his eyes searching hers intently, trying to get her to talk. He always wanted her to talk and he rarely did. But he knew that she needed to get that weight off of her shoulders sometimes and maybe- maybe, it was because he loved to hear her soft alto voice filling the silence.
It had been a week from hell, even if he would never admit that, but he found their current case had evolved into a slow, dirty mess; he'd dragged his team through hell and back. Jethro looked at her more closely now, realizing how her presence calmed his boiling blood more and more. She had found some piece of something- he didn't know when he'd made that- and let her fingers wander over it in admiration. Her slim fingers traced the pattern on the carved piece of wood over and over and over again.
"Jen?" He asked suddenly.
She nodded slowly, not raising her eyes up to meet his gaze, but signalizing him that she'd heard him. Her eyes were fixated on the beautiful pattern that he had carved into the wood, looking at it like a little child that had been broken and tried to hold on to the last scrap of home.
"You look exhausted." He continued carefully.
Jenny flicked her eyes up at him now, her eyes somewhat guarded.
"Could be, one of my agents managed to piss off three sister agencies in one day… Can't say that standing in MTAC, smiling and kissing asses for six hours wasn't exhausting." She looked at him more intently, now.
He gave her an apologetic smile, knowing that if he'd start arguing about that matter now, another round of endless yelling would start.
"You don't want to argue about that?" she asked lightly, a little surprised.
He glared at her.
"No." he decided after a few minutes.
She raised an eyebrow at him as in surprise of his behavior.
It was now that she realized, she felt better; more calm and at ease. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was, but it was there. That feeling that she could just curl up and close her eyes. Like… home.
I imagine you are home
In your room, all alone
And you open your eyes into mine
And everything feels better
Jenny picked up her glass and took a generous sip, letting the bourbon burn her throat and crawl into her mind like poison.
"I really hate this job sometimes." She spat out bitterly.
It was his turn to take a large sip; he could relate. Those words had escaped her mouth before, they echoed in his head making him think of that time six years ago. And it occurred to him, that she had been so damn good at being a field agent; and she sure as hell was damn good as the first female Director of NCIS. It seemed like the past was peeking around the corner, trying to worm its way into his mind and settle there for a long, long time.
"You always said that when we were…" he hesitated briefly, "…you were a field agent, Jen." She shot him an insecure, wary look, trying to mask the hurt that had flared up underneath. She knew what he'd wanted to say.
When we were Partners in Europe…?
When we were still together….?
She couldn't bring herself to look at him any longer, looking at him and knowing how much she'd hurt him six years ago. How much she'd hurt herself by hurting him six years ago.
She swallowed hard. Her throat locked up, making her feel like she was caught in a cage she had built herself. She felt tears rising and looked up at the ceiling, anger flaring up in her, trying to blink them away. She had tried to keep the past out of this night with everything she had, so she'd started at their current jobs. She didn't even remember when that she had supposedly said that before. He had. Her thoughts mixed together in a nasty mess, leaving her to fight the urge to scream at them to just shut up. One voice told her to just pretend she hadn't heard that and move on with the original conversation, hissing at her that he wouldn't even talk about this with her. The other one told her to just spit it out.
Jenny had opened her mouth before she realized what she was about to say.
"I'm so sorry." Her voice had had gone small and sad all of a sudden, trembling at the edges.
He blinked at her in surprise. She had turned away from him, her hand covering her eyes, her lips pressed together tightly. Her shoulders heaved as she tried to suck in her breath as quietly as possible. And just in that moment, way too late, he realized that she was fighting not to cry. He couldn't, for the life of him, stand to see her crying. He didn't want her to cry, ever; and most certainly not for him to witness her breaking.
And right before your eyes
I'm breaking, no past
No reasons why
Just you and me
"For what?" he almost snapped at her, sending her a mild glare.
He sure as hell wasn't the touchy, feely kind of guy but it felt like his heart would break into a million pieces every second now. He looked away, not knowing what to do, not managing to think of something else to ask or say. He stood up slowly and came over to her, crouching down in front of her. His hands slid from her shoulders to her elbows and added light pressure. She wiped at her eyes furiously and looked at him for the shortest of moments. He could tell she was frustrated, angry even. What the hell was she so angry about?
This is the last time I'm asking you this
Put my name at the top of your list,
This is the last time I'm asking you why
You break my heart in the blink of an eye, eye, eye
"For hurting you!" She hissed, her voice breaking at the end.
He looked taken aback; he'd rarely seen her like this before. Rarely seen her so curled up, frustrated and in tears. He shook his head forcefully, angry at her for being so hurt because of him. Her restrained gasps and sobs echoed in his mind, making him want to punch something or… someone.
"No, no, Jen. That was six years ago. Don't beat yourself up about me; it doesn't matter." He said, feeling like he was the one responsible for her tears even if he damn well knew he wasn't
She looked at him warily. Her mouth twitched up into a sad smile.
"Yes Jethro, it does." It was her turn to shake her head now.
"I was so blind with rage and my vengeance and you were there and he was down the other road and I… you were so good. We were so good together. And in the end, it wasn't even him. It was me. Me and my stupid decisions. I was in so deep and I was so afraid that if I'd let myself get lost in… us any more I'd end up getting hurt… Do you see how selfish that is?"
He was taken aback once again. He had never realized how much she had hurt herself with her decisions; it was all clear now, stripped bare in front of him. He had decided to never let his feelings for her cloud his judgement, never let her in again after she'd told him there would be no off the job. It had never really made sense to him, the things she'd said that day she'd just walked back into his life. He remembered how easily he had been able to read her, back in the day. But he had been confused at first, like a deaf man that had to be reintroduced to hearing. Come to think of it, he would have read her in the blink of an eye. Her voice had gone hoarse, so small and almost startled. "Don't make this difficult, Jethro." She had said, her eyes guarded. It had sounded like she hadn't wanted to show him his place and make things awkward when really her eyes had begged him to forgive her for wanting a shot at the revenge she had wanted for so long. Had begged him to let it be because she couldn't bring herself to resist him when he had so willingly lain his heart bare in front of her for the scrap of an eternity.
Unconsciously, she had begged him to save himself the trouble of getting hurt by her again.
She had been so selfish and so selfless at the same time that she hadn't even noticed that he had forgiven her. He had forgiven her because every time he looked into those emerald green eyes he saw his own slice of hell. Her pain of losing her father had reflected his of losing his wife and daughter.
He found, she could break his heart in the blink of an eye. Just like that, without any bad intentions. And sometimes he really, really hated himself for putting so much genuine love and the ability to care so much into one person.
He pressed his lips to her temple, softly, his hands had slipped around her almost automatically, making their way up and down her spine. She tensed up at first, not being used to him touching her so gently, anymore. Then, not even three seconds later, she melted into him. She didn't know how he did it, making her feel so safe in a matter of seconds…
"You broke my rule, Jen." He growled into her ear in mock dislike, trying to lighten up her mood.
She found herself smiling, despite it all and looked into his piercing blue eyes.
"I'll break it again." She stated simply, a shiver running down her spine when his thumb began caressing her neck. A very soft, quiet moan escaped her lips and he gave her a dirty grin.
"I really missed hearing that."
She raised her eyebrows at him in mock modesty and shook her head slightly.
"You, Leroy Jethro Gibbs, have a dirty mind." He shrugged his shoulders as one corner of his mouth turned into a wry smile. She looked at him intently, suddenly, and felt the strong need to feel his lips on hers. Jenny felt like they had stared at each other for minutes, his thumb travelling to her lower lip and letting it wander over it absently. She closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of his hand against her skin, breathing in his intoxicating smell. He pulled her up with him in one swift move, ignoring her gasp of surprise and replacing his thumb with his lips. He kissed her slowly, and oh so softly, giving her time to get used to it again. But she didn't need to be reintroduced to his lips, his kisses; the feeling had been back, the moment his lips had fallen to hers. She'd always felt like she was keeping some kind of secret when she had kissed him, because of his lips and oh his hands.
Everybody knew him as the rough guy, not up for relationship trouble and women; nobody knew how… soft he really was. His lips were almost softer than hers, although, in his opinion, nobody who was alive could beat her to her lips. They were soft like baby skin, talented- wickedly talented, he remembered longing for them in a hot attic with no air, almost a decade ago. He was surprised at how easy they'd gotten into this again, no awkward does-he-still-kiss-like-that smothering, no hesitation. He hadn't even realized that he'd covered her lips with his before her taste invaded his senses, flooded his mind. Her lips had always been so kissable, so…unbelievably irresistible. He pulled away an inch, opening his eyes to look at her red lips, flushed cheeks and green eyes. She met his gaze intently, one hand finding its way to his chest, feeling his heartbeat. He pulled her closer and buried his nose in her hair, breathing her in and just holding her there for a few moments before he decided to break their peaceful silence.
"You wanna stay the night?" he mumbled carefully into her hair, stroking it gently. He felt her nod against his neck, slowly.
"Okay."
Under any normal circumstances they would've been in bed three times over, and if he was honest with himself, that was what he'd always imagined since she'd walked back into his life. He thought that the tension between them would just become too much at some point and that they'd just rip their clothes off wherever they were and get it on. It was then he realized, that they could've never worked out if it had begun- and ended like that. She would've been afraid of a relationship; hell, he would've been, too. They would've been simple 'friends with benefits'.
No. Simple wasn't a word that fit anywhere near Jenny and him, he knew that.
She had turned up in his basement so many times, not talking, just drinking, trying to calm down a bit. And he would try to reach out to her and she would walk. Walk as fast as she could to escape her feelings. Her eyes had been filled with regret and hurt every time; giving away how sorry she really was; her mouth had never found a way to say it until now. And so he would be there to watch her leave. And in all those years he had learned, that maybe he wasn't the only damaged one. So he had been there, even if it had hurt to watch her leave every time.
You find yourself at my door
Just like all those times before
You wear your best apology
But I was there to watch you leave
And all the times I let you in
Just for you to go again
Disappear when you come back
Everything is better
She stilled his thoughts by adding light pressure to the hand that had curled around his bicep, trying to get him to look at her. She looked at the stairs pointedly and he nodded, lacing his fingers into her and leading her out of his basement. He knew she was aching for him, because he felt the same. Felt the need to touch her. If the past was anything to go by, Jenny was damn near insatiable, not easy to keep up with sometimes, but her gaze had held nothing of those feelings tonight. She was hesitant, insecure even, a little shy. Going by the past again, she wouldn't want sex tonight. She needed comfort; needed to draw strength from him in order to get over her own emotional outburst. She had stripped her masks of, handing him her feelings raw and unhidden, had given him her naked soul and he knew better than to laugh it off like he had once. It was just them. Jethro and Jenny walking on thin, thin Ice that was begging to break and be rebuilt thicker at the same time. He didn't want it to break down again.
And right before your eyes
I'm aching, no past
Nowhere to hide
Just you and me…
He didn't say a word when he led her into his bedroom, picking up a shirt from his drawer and lay it on the bed. He helped her out of her expensive dress, unzipping it and letting it slip down her fair shoulders. He placed feather light kisses where the zipper had been, unclasping her bra and tracing his fingers over her stomach. Her head rolled back against his shoulder; he brushed her hair out of the way and removed her necklace, leaving her in nothing but her panties. Jethro handed her the shirt he'd picked out for her and let her slip into it. She grabbed it at the collars, breathing in his intoxicating scent. He smiled slightly; she had always loved wearing his clothes, even when they hadn't been together.
She turned around to face him, slowly, her face mere millimeters away from his. She brought her hand up to his cheek and tugged gently; she wanted his lips. He granted her the wish and kissed her again, harder this time. He picked her up effortlessly, snaking one hand around her waist and the other under her thighs. She bit his lower lip, sliding her tongue across it softly afterwards. Starting to walk backwards, slowly, he stopped when the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and sat down. She broke the kiss slowly; the need for oxygen becoming more present. She licked her lips where his had been as in to memorize them and touched her forehead to his, shaking her head gently. He raised an eyebrow in question when she tilted her head down to place a chaste kiss behind his ear.
"I really missed this." She stated quietly and raised her head lazily to look at him. He pulled her closer around the waist and looked at her, pointedly.
"Already told you, Jen." He teased slightly.
She let out an annoyed, shaky breath. Yes, he'd told her he'd missed her. In public, at work. She didn't want to think about how stupid she'd been any longer.
"I know…" She finally sighed in defeat.
He took her face in both hands and placed the most delicate kiss on the crown of her head.
"Forget about it."
Jens eyes shot up in surprise when he so simply implied he should forget about her decisions.
"What?" She asked dumbly.
He gave her a mild glare.
"Rule 18, Jen."
"It's better to seek- Jethro are you saying I should've asked you before I screwed you over?"
She looked at him like he'd lost his mind and he gave her a good laugh.
"No, Jen. I'm saying I've forgiven you a long time ago."
She shook her head angrily, feeling like she didn't deserve his forgiveness just yet. He glared at her harder and tilted her chin up firmly.
"Just don't leave again."
She was smiling now, shaking her head again. She'd never dare to leave him like that again. With a letter; without real words, without courage.
"Okay." She said after what felt like an eternity.
He looked at her intensely, showing her that he meant it; she gave him a tired smile and leaned in for another kiss. He tugged her down onto her side and laced his fingers through hers. She closed her eyes and relaxed, his smell invading her senses once again, his caressing thumb on her hand lulling her into a sleep slowly but surely.
It felt so surreal, being there in his arms, kissing him as much and often as she pleased. Not long ago she had decided to just burn their relationship down and step over it, ignoring the searing pain that'd risen in her chest. Only to focus on her revenge. She asked herself how she planned on just deciding not to let him in anymore, oh so politely denying him a simple talk should he turn up at her doorstep again.
This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong
This is the last time I say it's been you all along
This is the last time I let you in my door
This is the last time; I won't hurt you anymore
She just wanted to push him away from her darkness. Wanted him to move elsewhere and be content about it. She really wanted to want being selfless. She couldn't. And, looking at him now, she guessed he didn't mind. She wouldn't leave him again. Not for her Job or anyone else but maybe for his own good if it were to come to something like an end. Because right now, she couldn't bring herself to hurt him anymore.
He'd let her in; the evidence clear beside her.
She wouldn't be so stupid as to push this slice of heaven away ever again.
This is the last time you tell me I've got it wrong
This is the last time I say it's been you all along
This is the last time I let you in my door
This is the last time; I won't hurt you anymore
This is the last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you
Last time I'm asking you this…