At first, I had hope.
Hope that he would come back.
Hope that he would pick up the phone.
Hope that he would confide in me, allow me to help him the way I so desperately need to.
Because if I'm not helping someone get over their pain, I'm trapped in a box with only my own agony to keep me company. I've been able to avoid focusing on my problems for most of my life, since I had to practically be a mother to my mom and I was able to direct my attention to my partner and his crumbling marriage when she was gone. Hell, my entire job focuses on helping other people heal and maybe, just maybe, that's the real reason I volunteered for SVU.
But ever since my partner vanished, I haven't been able to ignore the stabbing sensation inside of my chest, even when I'm at work. So everyday, I come home to my empty apartment that I've grown to loathe, and I call him. Once, twice, sometimes even three times. There are times when my pain is so unbearable that I drown myself in wine while calling him. Practically sobbing into the phone like some pathetic mistress who thought her lover would leave his wife for her, only to find out that she meant absolutely nothing to him.
Though, if you really think about it, that's almost exactly what this is. He stays by my side for over a decade, telling me that he cares, that I could talk to him whenever something was wrong. And then he just ditches me, like I mean absolutely nothing to him...
No, dumbass, he did fucking care about you. He was your best friend!
No, he... He couldn't have... He left me, without so much as a goodbye! That's not something best friends do.
Are you high or something Benson? That man would've done anything for you, and you're sitting here bashing on him because you can't handle being alone. Shame on you.
Well what am I supposed to do? I've called, emailed, written... I've even gone over there, just so his wife could tell me to fuck off!
Since when did Kathy fucking Stabler become the boss of you? You're badass Benson! If you want to talk to your partner, you can talk to your partner.
You're right, I know you're right but... He shot a child! I can't just go in there, guns blazing, demanding that he speak to me!
Well it's been six months, so he obviously isn't going to reach out to you. But he needs you, no matter how much either of you denies it, so you have to go to him. You have to get him through this.
"Okay... Jesus, I really need to get out more, I'm talking to a voice in my fucking head." I mutter to myself as the voice retreats, leaving me to my own devices. I decide that, however crazy it may sound, the strange voice is right. I'm going to speak to my partner, and I'll take down anyone who gets on my way.
My eyes flicker to the digital clock located on my car radio, reading that it's exactly eight pm. I sigh, feeling the nervous energy starting to build up inside of my as I turn to look at the house across the street, that of which my ex partner resides in. My gaze moves to the dark driveway and I'm surprised to see that Elliot's car is no where to be found, though Kathy's silver sedan remains.
He's not here...
Well maybe he moved, idiot.
Why are you back? I don't need your help!
Uh, yes you do! It was my idea to come here in the first place!
Whatever. Just go away, I can do this on my own.
Oh really? Then why have you been sitting in your car for the past ten minutes?
Because I need to figure out what to say, I can't go in there without a plan!
Plan? You don't need a plan, just ask that bitch where your partner is and if she refuses, pop her in the mouth!
Hey, she isn't a bitch, she's actually pretty nice. I overreacted earlier when I said she told me to fuck off.
I don't care, get your ass out of the car, and get in there. NOW BENSON!
"Okay, fine!" I mutter, inwardly slapping myself for once again responding to the voice.
"Dammit, i'm turning into a basket case."
My hand reaches for the car door handle, shoving it open and shutting it just as quickly once I step onto the pavement. I straighten out my blazer before making my way across the street, confidence slowly replacing my nervousness as I get closer to the door. By the time I've reached the front of the house, my hands have clenched into fists and I raise one of them, bringing it down against the door with no guilt for disturbing the quiet peace inside. I hear shuffling on the other side and a few seconds later I hear the sound of a lock clicking. Being fully prepared to go off on Kathy Stabler, I'm naturally surprised when I'm met instead with a very confused looking Dickie Stabler.
"Olivia? What're you doing here?" He asks quietly, most likely because he actually cares about waking up the other people in the house. The confidence and rage that I had spent the last minute building up suddenly dissipates, leaving me with only the sadness I've become so accustomed to over the last six months.
"Dickie I... I came here to talk to your mom." I say softly, staring into the young boy's bright blue eyes. Just like his father's. He sighs, pushing his fingers through his dark hair as he glances back at the staircase, returning his gaze to me. He looks sad and it worries me.
"Mom is sleeping, but... She isn't really doing so hot right now... Dads been different since he left the job and, well, he left two weeks ago." He explains quietly, staring down at his bare feet once he's finished. My heart tightens in my chest when I notice the unshed tears in his eyes and I gently place a hand on his shoulder, causing him to look back at me.
"I'm so sorry honey, but I know that your dad won't stop loving you just because he doesn't live here anymore. You'll still be able to see him and call him-" I'm unexpectedly cut off by his words and, though they're spoken in a soft voice, they stab me directly in the heart.
"No, no he'll probably ignore us, just like he ignores you... I've heard him listening to your voicemails, but instead of calling you back he would just sit there, with this look in his eyes like... Like nothing was there, you know?" He's crying now, furiously wiping at the tears though they're quickly replaced by new ones. I find myself wanting to cry as well but I can't, not when he needs me to be strong. So I pull him into my arms, allowing him to sob into my shoulder whilst wrapping his arms around my neck.
"Shhh... It's gonna be okay, sweetheart, I promise you... Everything will be okay." I whisper to him while running circles on his back to comfort him, which seems to work after a short while. He pulls away from me, sniffling as he wipes away the remnants of his tears and releases a shaky breath.
"Dickie, I want to talk to your dad and get him help, so please... Can you tell me where he is?" I ask, and he nods, straightening himself out before answering.
"He moved into a cabin up in the Catskills, said he needed to be alone for awhile... I think mom has the address somewhere..." He turns to the table located beside the door, shuffling through the bills and letters littering it before holding up a slip of paper. I give him a watery smile, taking the paper from him and looking down at it.
"Thank you Dickie, this... This is gonna help us, all of us." I say as I look to him and he smiles, wrapping his arms around me in one last tight hug before he pulls back, staring directly into my eyes.
"Just tell him that we love him and that we miss him." He murmurs while stepping back, giving me a small smile before shutting the door.
I stare down at the paper once I'm sitting inside of my car and I grab my phone, opening up the GPS app after deciding that I have to do this tonight.
Will Olivia be able to get Elliot to talk to her? Can she convince him to come back to the city with her? And will the voice ever go away?
Tell me what you think!