Aching Heart
Some days, some shifts, some calls, some scenes were harder than others. They stained a person, traumatized a person. And they lingered despite being unwanted. It was a part of their training, to forget, to cope, but it was never that easy. Sometimes situations hurt the heart and the soul. Sometimes a call led to questioning humanity, and the cruelness of the world. It could make a person wonder if there was a higher power, and if the cruelness was a part of some bigger plan that would make sense once it revealed itself as a whole. And then when the shift was over, and the idea of being alone was too much too bare, there was the sanctity that Molly's provided for firefighters, paramedics and EMT's, police, and doctors and nurses alike who all shared in seeing the horrors that the world seemed all too willing to offer on an all too often basis.
Sylvie swirled her fingertips of her left hand over the bar top tracing the fine lines of the grain of the wood, feeling the cool smoothness of the varnish coating beneath her fingers. Her other hand gripped the martini glass in front of her as if it was a lifeline. I told everyone I couldn't leave my heart in my locker at the start of a shift and pick it up at the end. I said it because it's the truth. The thought made her laugh bitterly before she swallowed her drink down in one mouthful. The empty glass hit the bar top with more force that she meant it too but she didn't care as she signalled to the barmaid for a beer which was promptly placed in front of her.
The coolness of the glass bottle sent a shiver through her spine. His hand, his skin was so cold, so suddenly. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back so that she was facing the ceiling as his pale face flashed through her mind; her entire body shuddered and her stomach flipped at the image. She opened her blue eyes slowly, fixating them on the fairy lights that glistened above her. He should have had more time, should have gotten to see more lights, had more light left. She dropped her head forward again, bringing the beer bottle to her lips and swallowing half of the liquid down in an effort to forget. To forget the blood that had coated her. To forget the terrified look that she couldn't ease, couldn't comfort. To forget the sudden coldness of his skin when there had been nothing left to do that could save him. To forget the distressed image of a mother being told that her child was dead, and the heart wrenching sobs and heartbroken pleas of that mothers as she collapsed to the hospital floor. All she wanted was to forget but then again she didn't want to either; a child did not deserve to be forgotten.
Kelly sat at the opposite end of the bar; he had come in for a quiet drink which he had already had but had ended up staying having switched to non-alcoholic beer as he observed Sylvie, his concern only heightened as it appeared she had completely shut herself away from everyone, isolated herself. Can't really blame her. Not after the shift she had, not after that call. Chief Boden's actions had alerted every member of Truck and Squad that something was wrong, that something serious had happened, and they had all instinctively followed him as he never walked out to greet Ambulance 61 upon their return from any call, especially not with the urgency that they all felt.
What shocked them all was the amount of blood that Sylvie was covered in, her clothes saturated, and her pale skin and blonde hair streaked with a reddish hue. Her tears had dried, had stopped, but the evidence was left on her skin as the tears had left tracks through the blood. Her wide eyes gave an insight into how lost she felt, and how haunted she was. Someone so beautiful looked so broken. Her silence was the most resounding as she gave Boden a near indistinguishable nod of her head as she made her way through the mass of bodies who parted like the red sea for her heading for the locker room.
It was only after she was inside the safety of the firehouse and out of earshot were the horrors of the call revealed by Gabby. A child had died in what should have been a staple childhood moment, it was something that every kid did at least once. The young boy had been climbing over a fence with razor sharp barbed wire at the top when he got tangled up, his neck torn open and jugular severed. The boy had exsanguinated in the ambulance on the way to the hospital as Sylvie desperately fought to save him. And then they had stayed, or rather Sylvie had stayed next to him with his small hand held in hers until his mother had arrived as she did not want him to be alone. He couldn't even begin to fathom how hard that was; children were always the most difficult to deal with when it came to death in their line of work, at least that is what he felt. No one can be prepared for that, no one can just forget. His eyes stopped at her hand, watching its movements on the bar top, and realising she was trembling minutely. There was no hiding, it was clear to him that she was barely holding it together.
Sylvie placed the freshly emptied beer bottle down in front of her, pushing it further away from her until it was teetering on the edge. The symbolism was not lost on her as she felt just like the bottle, ready to fall over the edge and shatter into a million tony pieces. I can't leave my heart in the locker at the start of the shift and pick it up at the end. I can't. Maybe it'll break me someday. I just don't care. Her own words in her head repeating loudly; somehow now though her own words felt bitter. She had hit that breaking point with this shift, with this child's death, and she did care despite the hollowness she felt. She didn't know what she wanted to do, she didn't want to drink anymore but she didn't want to go home and be alone either. I wish I had someone like Gabby has Casey. There was a minute hint of resentment that she quickly shoved down hating herself for even thinking and feeling it. There's a whole firehouse of people, my family but its not fear to burden them, not with this. She let out a soft sigh as her tiredness set in, alongside the overwhelming sense of loss that only seemed to be growing.
Kelly couldn't sit and watch any longer; he had been where she was, had wondered if there was something else that could have been done to change the outcome, had tried drinking the memories away but he knew it only provided a temporary relief. There was no book, no set of written rules, for situations like the one Sylvie and Gabby had experience. And people like himself could offer to talk but sometimes it was a matter of careful force, it was reaching out and taking care of someone whether it was welcomed or not. There were many differences between Gabby and Sylvie but the one that stood out to Kelly in the moment was that she was alone, there was no one significant that he knew of in her life, and she didn't have a roommate either. He pulled his jacket on and signalled the bartender over whilst he pulled out his wallet. "This should cover mine and Sylvie's drinks." He put a fifty down then slid his wallet back into his pocket then made his way down to the other end of the bar where Sylvie was.
If she looks this lost, I would hate to feel just how lost she feels. "Sylvie, let me give you a ride home." She startled a little then relaxed despite remaining tense. He knew she had not had a lot to drink but considering how exhausted and lost she looked it seemed like the safest option. Up this close he could also see that it was not just her hands that were trembling, it was her entire body. "I don't want to go home, to no one, to nothing… that mother has to go home to an empty house and it will probably be strewn with toys, with reminders." The words tumbled out, there was no stopping them just like there was no way to stop the tears that were filling her eyes, the tears she had fought since he had died, since his little hand went limp and then cold in hers. "Come on, we are going back to mine." He had made the decision for her; her words tore him apart. She needs a safe place. She needs to get everything she is feeling out. She needs someone to tell her she is not alone and to look after her. Kelly was going to be that person for her even if it was just for the night. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close feeling her arm slip around his back as she tucked herself tightly into his side allowing him to guide her out of Molly's and to his car.
The drive back to Kelly's was short and relatively quiet with the exception of a few sniffles from Sylvie. Kelly parked and got out then made his way round to the passenger's side, opened the door and held his hand out which she gratefully took. She was exhausted, it was a bone deep exhaustion but it was not just physical, it was emotionally and mentally. The façade had faded in Kelly's presence. The way he was taking care of her made her feel safe. Safe, that is something I haven't felt in a long time. That thought made her stomach twist but was quickly forgotten as Kelly guided her into his apartment and over to the couch. He helped her with her jacket then removed his own, laying both over the end of the coffee table before he sat next to her as she curled up into herself.
"What good are we if we can't save innocent children? What good am I? That boy died terrified, desperate for me to help, and I couldn't, I couldn't do any more." She could barely get the words out but she had to know, had to ask. Kelly felt as though his lungs had suddenly deflated as she looked at him, almost begging him for an answer. The glassy blue eyes were what got him more than anything. Windows to the soul, to her soul that got shattered by this boy's death. "Come here Sylvie." He was already drawing her body in closer to his, and she readily accepted seeking the comfort she so desperately needed. "You were with him, he wasn't alone. He felt it, I'm sure… And you, you are amazing. Every shift you save lives." The pause allowed them both a respite. "We all do this job because we care, because we want to help. We all have bad calls, bad shifts, it's inescapable. We do our best… That pain you feel means you care and that is a good thing because you fight for them. Saving lives does not just affect that person but a lot of others as well." He felt as her warm tears landed on his shirt and soaked through the fabric to his skin, he pulled her closer. "You're not alone Sylvie." He pressed a kiss to her temple as she cried harder, all the pent up tears surfacing.
"Boden keeps logs of every shift." It was a statement that had more meaning behind it than she knew. He had waited until her crying had eased, until the gut wrenching sobs had softened. They are kept for a reason, to be shared in times like these, in moments of doubt. "I want to show you sometime." She did not need to feel pressured, not on top of everything she was already feeling.
"Remember what you told me when I first started at 51? You told me there was a lone that can't be crossed and not to get involved… That was with a kid too." It felt like a lifetime ago considering all they had been through. I wish I had listened, I wish I had followed it more. "Yeah I do but I think I also told you that we all get invested at times… It is human nature." As he spoke he recalled telling her about Shay and the patient's suicide. Without even realising he held Sylvie a little tighter. "I don't know how to separate myself, and it's tearing me apart. I thought I didn't care, that I wouldn't care if it broke me but I do care." That admission had been rattling around in her head since her and Gabby had left the hospital. "I don't know how many more calls like that I can handle." It was brutally honest and it hurt like hell. I'm not sure if I even have one more call like that left in me.
A slight panic coursed through Kelly at Sylvie's words, at her tone. Someone so beautiful has been shattered into pieces… and none of us really noticed, at least not until now. She had been through a lot even with those she had been partnered with – with Mills leaving, with Chili's alcoholism and departure, and then with Jimmy, his brother's death, and his own demise that had left him with severe life changing disabilities. They had all felt those losses but she had been affected the most yet none of them had checked in, checked on her, not really, not like they should have. Why am I only realising this now? He mentally berated himself for not realising sooner especially considering he had seen her cry at Mill's farewell party, and in the hospital as they waited to hear the news on Jimmy. There was so much he wanted to say, to tell her, but he couldn't, not now. "I want you to come to me, I don't care what time it is, I don't care if its just to cry or because you need a hug or to vent. You come to me Sylvie." The need to protect her, the need to keep her safe, and the need to heal her or help her heal herself was what had become a priority for him. He couldn't lose her.
"Thank you Kelly." She truly meant it; she was thanking him for more than just his words. She let herself curl into him a little more although they were already pressed against one another, and let her eyes close as the fatigue finally got to her. Kelly lifted his free hand to hers that was laid flat in the centre of his chest and covered her hand with his seeing her eyes had closed. Her breathing evened out within mere minutes and he was glad that she was asleep as exhausted as she was. He was prepared to stay there, holding her, all night as he left his own eyes close.
The early morning rays of sun was what woken them. They had remained in the same position all night. "Morning." They both spoke in unison, neither were in a hurry to move. "Boden's logs, I would like to see them if you still want to show me them." Kelly mentioned them purposefully. She wouldn't admit it but she wanted the safety that he provided for her just a little longer. She wanted to be in his presence for a while longer. "Of course. How about I grab a shower and a change of clothes then we'll stop by yours so you can do the same, then to the firehouse then breakfast." He figured it was the best way figuring that Boden's logs may lead her to questions that she may need help answering, and if he was being completely honest with himself he enjoyed her company. "Sounds good. I'll make some coffee… Wait, I'm not messing up any plans you have am I?" She had already begun to pull herself away from him in her search for coffee although she felt refreshed, more refreshed and relaxed than she had in a long time when she became aware of just how much time of his she had already taken. He grabbed her hands softly making her pause in her movements. "My plans are to shower, go to yours, go to the firehouse, and then to breakfast with you." He could see her relax and watched as a small smile graced her face. "Okay, I'll start the coffee." Kelly let go of her hands after he swept his thumbs over her knuckles with a feather-light touch. He watched as she made her way into his kitchen, seemingly comfortable, for a few minutes before he got up and headed to shower and change.
It didn't take Kelly or Sylvie long to get ready, even with the trip from his apartment to hers. They arrived at the firehouse, and Kelly immediately got out of the car then helped Sylvie out. Sylvie wrapped her hand around Kelly's inner elbow as she fell into step with him. He turned his head and smiled at her. They made their way through the firehouse silently passing by a number of colleagues from the shift as Kelly led her to a fairly untouched storage records room that housed Boden's ledgers as well as years of reports. He flicked the light switch on and watched as Sylvie's eyes widened almost comically. Sylvie removed her hand from Kelly's arm once the door was closed behind them as she stepped further into the room amazed at the history it contained.
Kelly walked to the far corner of the room and scanned the shelves, looking at the spine of each ledger until he found the date range he was looking for – anything from July 2014. July was when Sylvie started or near enough. He pulled one of the thick ledgers out and turned to Sylvie who was still looking around in amazement. Almost instinctively Sylvie turned to Kelly. The pair ended up sitting side by side on the floor.
"Boden handwrites these. They are his own personal records, and not many of us get to see them." But we should. He thought as he opened the heavy book on two random pages then held it out for her to take, almost as if it was an offering. She reached out gingerly and grasped the book, taking it from him, and let it rest on her lap.
"When did you first see them?" The innocent question caught him off guard. "After Shay died and I was still in exile. I didn't want to come back. Matt showed me one of these." They helped bring me back, they bought me home. They had helped but they could not magically fix everything. "Boden records the date, what the call was, and what we did… In this column is the number of lives we saved. Every ambulance call is recorded. It doesn't matter what the call is, it all gets recorded." His own fingers ghosted over the pages as he explained. Once he finished explaining he shifted his eyes from the pages to her face watched as her own eyes looked at the pages, at the information in front of her.
Sylvie was transfixed with the ledger in front of her, there were so many entries, so many calls, and each was just as important as the last. Its easy to forget, to focus on the terrible calls. She realised what Kelly was sharing with her, what he was saying without words, and she couldn't have felt more grateful. "There are always going to be calls, moments, that haunt us, that hurt us in this job… Its just it seems like every call hurts lately." That was the raw truth, "And it hurts a little more every time, goes a little deeper." She turned her neck so that she was face to face with him. "You're allowed to feel what you do, and you are allowed to break down. We all do. We all need to at times… What I said last night, I meant every single word, anytime, you come to me." Special and oh so lucky. His words, his sincerity, warmed her. She was lucky to have him, they all were. He was special, a rare breed.
"You know you are amazing. Thank you Kelly." He didn't reply verbally instead he smiled and placed a kiss on her temple. Subconsciously she leaned into him, settling into his body, as she turned her attention back to the ledger in her lap and began to read more of the entries as he watched her. What she did realise with each turn of the page, with each entry, and with each number was that she couldn't give up, couldn't leave.