AN: Hey everyone! So, I recently finished watching the incredible anime "Monster", by Naoki Urasawa, and found myself pretty obsessed with it, haha. Anyway, of course the character I found most interesting was that of Johann Liebert, and of course found myself wanting to explore the character more, and particularly his relationship with his sister. Thus this story. Obviously a warning for spoilers for the series. If you haven't seen it, I couldn't recommend it more. Definitely go out and watch it! If you like what you read, please leave a comment and let me know if you think I should continue or not! Thank you and please enjoy!
A Better Place
Chapter 1:
"Hold still you little bastard."
The man's hold on his arm is painfully tight. Threatening. He tries to pull away anyway, eyes locked on the man's face. The man's expression twists in hate and anger.
"Restrain him, you idiot!" He snaps at one of the white shirts, and the other man comes around and behind him, wraps an arm around his neck, forcing his head back, the other coming around his chest so that he can't move at all.
The needle goes in to the crook of his elbow, like it always does, pain for a moment, and then numbness. An awful fog drifts over his thoughts, the face of the man in front of him losing focus in his eyes.
They did this when they wanted to talk to him. When they wanted him to tell them things about himself.
The rest of the time they kept him under, or ran their tests.
Johann had lost track of how long it had been since he'd come here, to this place. Since they'd separated him from the other boys. There were no clocks here, in the orphanage basement. No windows. No way to tell if it was morning or evening, day or night.
It was one of their methods. Blunt and obvious, but it worked. It kept him confused, disoriented. The drugs the same.
He couldn't remember what had happened when he woke. He couldn't remember a lot of things, lately.
Something they were doing... something they were doing to him. His memories were beginning to feel vague, distant. Sometimes he felt sure he remembered something... some experience, only then he would begin to think of it, and it was as though he were viewing it through a distorted mirror, a sense of detachment permeating the pictures in his head, and he would feel nothing... nothing about any of it.
It was getting harder and harder to remember where he had even come from, before arriving at this place. Getting harder to remember where he had been, before...
He had been with Anna. He knew that.
Anna... they wanted to take her away from him too, but he wouldn't let that happen. He wouldn't forget her, no matter what.
They were all going to die.
He had to get out of here and find Anna.
They pick him up and carry him to that room. His whole body feels numb, skin burning and tingling from the drug they've shot into his bloodstream. He hates this. He hates them. Can barely hold his head up when they shove him down into the steel chair at the hard, metal table they use during these sessions. The chair is cold against his body, the flimsy material of the sleeveless shirt and loose pants they make him wear doing nothing to protect him from it.
The man across from him doesn't look at him, hands busying themselves with stacks of paper. Files on him, he knows. The man nods, telling the men who brought him here that they can leave.
The lids of his eyes feel so heavy. Thoughts form and break apart in his head. Can't focus. Can't hold on to anything.
The man across begins to speak and his voice sounds far away. He can see the man's mouth moving, but the words seem detached, somehow. Like they're coming from someone else.
"Remarkable." He says. "Astonishing."
The man looks up at him, small eyes hard and openly lustful. He wants what Johann has. He wants to strip it away and keep it for himself.
Johann's mouth feels dry, tongue heavy. He knows what he has to say to this man to destroy him. Only the answers dance away from him before he can bring them out in words. The world spins. He's dizzy. He thinks he's going to throw up.
"Your intelligence equivalency score was unprecedentedly high. Well past two hundred. Remarkable."
Johann looks back at him and feels sick. Thinks they... thinks they put something else in his system this time. Never felt this sick from it before. Doesn't know... doesn't know what they did. If he could just hold on to what he knows, he could...
"How do you feel today?" The man asks.
Johann blinks. His eyes are dry too. They hurt. The bright lights in the room burned against them. The question takes too long to register. He doesn't want to answer, but he can't control it when he does.
"... I... feel... sick..." His voice sounds as distant and detached from him as the man's.
The man's face doesn't change but his eyes gleam. He takes pleasure in the answer.
"To be expected. You know, for as perfect as your face is, you're really rather a frail child. Much smaller than the other boys here your age. A weak constitution. So of course you react more extremely to the drugs. To physical trauma too, I think."
He glances down at the papers in front of him again, the corners of his mouth lifting.
"Indeed, your last physical showed you rather underweight and below average in stature. And that perfect white skin of yours takes longer to heal."
He thinks of Anna. He thinks of her, and it's only her... only her who matters. He has to get out of here and find Anna.
They were walking together, the two of them. He held her hand in his own. They were together then.
The man keeps talking, but there aren't any words anymore.
He thinks of Anna, and misses her so much.
"What's that you said?" The man asks.
"We... were... to... ge... ther..."
"Answer my question boy. I asked where it is you came from."
"Me and Anna... we were together. We were the only two people... left in the world... I had to get her... away... away from the monster... I had to... get her away..."
Loud slap explodes in his ear. He hears it before he feels it. Pain comes quick after, and he's on the floor suddenly. Eyes register a darkening shadow, even as he can't hear anything for the loud ringing filling his head.
Feels the now familiar grip of a powerful hand close round his wrist, yanking him up. Thin bones creak and ache beneath his skin. Feels like they'll crack in two. Sees the man's face for only a moment before his head is snapped to one side, then another. Two, sharp slaps across the mouth, and the taste of his own blood coats his tongue.
He's going to be beaten now.
That's what they did, when he didn't give them the answers they wanted.
It was alright. He was going to get out of here. He was going to find Anna.
And everything would be alright... then.
/
Nina stares at her brother and wonders at how it is he can still look so beautiful, even now.
He won't wake up.
He's been in a coma for over a year, and he won't wake up. The doctors tell her that likely he never will.
Nina doesn't know how to feel about that.
Sometimes she wishes he had simply died. That night in Ruhenheim. Sometimes she thinks it would have been easier, if he had simply died, and she could have moved on from him, finally. Could have moved on with her life and forgotten him...
She thinks that, sometimes. But she knows it's not true.
She could never forget Johann.
Not really.
He had loved her. She understands that now. Despite everything. Despite all the horror and evil of what he had done.
She understood, finally, when she'd allowed herself to remember.
He'd only ever been trying to protect her. In his own, misguided way. He'd only wanted to protect her.
But he was so messed up. His mind was so messed up. Somehow he'd come to believe her memories were his own. Her experiences were his own. He thought... She doesn't know what it is he'd thought. What he'd felt. And she hadn't realized... she hadn't realized, until the end, in that small town surrounded by mountains, watching her big brother in the rain, his face stricken and lost and in so much pain... she hadn't realized just how frail he'd always been.
Johann had seemed to her for so long like something inhuman. For so long, he almost hadn't seemed real. No flaw, no weakness, no vulnerability.
She remembers, what seems an eternity ago now, when they'd run away together from Czechoslovakia, from the Three Frogs. From Bonaparta. She remembers holding so tight to Johan's hand then, him holding just as tightly back to hers, and how he hadn't ever let her go, even as she'd begun to slow and stumble and drag, unable to keep up. He'd held on to her. Wouldn't let go like... like their mother had. Even when she'd at last collapsed in weakness and exhaustion, and she knew... she knew Johann could have gone on without her. He was so strong, and he could have gone on. Only he'd stopped, and hadn't let go of her hand. He'd stopped and fallen to his knees at her side, laid his hands on her, ready to die with her. Ready to die with her, there. Not like their mother then. Not like her at all. He wouldn't leave her, even if it meant his own death.
She remembers looking up at his beautiful face, and the way he'd smiled at her. Remembers how there had been no fear in his eyes. No regret, or even sadness. He'd smiled at her with so much peace, like she was the only thing that mattered in the whole world. Happy to die with her, because she was the only thing that mattered.
She hadn't realized then, to Johann, she had been.
She hadn't realized. Oh, God, he'd meant it when he'd told her the world was hers. She hadn't realized, for him, there was nothing and nobody else, and he'd believed that. He'd believed it so completely.
And she'd betrayed him. She'd killed him. Shot him in the brain. And when he'd woken, she'd screamed, and run. Run away from him like he was a monster.
What that did to him... what that did...
She blames herself still. Tenma tells her she can't. Tells her what happened to Johann isn't her fault. Dieter tells her too. All of them. But they're wrong. Only trying to be kind, she knows. But they're wrong.
Johann had needed her. More, she realizes, then she had ever needed him. And he'd tried so hard to protect her, to keep her safe.
In return she'd shown him her repulsion and fear.
He never would have hurt her though. She realizes that now too. That he never even meant to.
But she'd treated him like a monster. And he had been defined by her. Had defined himself by her.
Her belief became his own.
She'd betrayed him, and it had been his very undoing.
"Oh, Johann,"
She reaches out, lying her hand along his.
His skin is cold to the touch, his hand delicate and thin beneath hers. She can feel the fragile bones under the surface, and is transfixed for a moment by how much whiter his skin is than hers.
He looks as cold as he feels.
She watches the slow, even rise and fall of his thin chest, the collar bone pronounced and obvious above the hem of his hospital gown. His arms are like sticks, lying positioned down at his sides, attaching to knobby wrists. He looks frail and weak and like he weighs nothing at all, so many tubes and attachments going in to him, the only things keeping him alive, keeping him breathing, and Nina thinks it's hard to believe she was ever so afraid of him. His nearly white hair falls limp and loose around his head. He looks so peaceful, his perfect face relaxed and smooth and so painfully young.
Something about that thought makes Nina's eyes sting suddenly, tears welling up so fast she doesn't have time to try and stop them.
He was so young, barely more than a boy, and this was how he had ended up. He had been so blindingly brilliant. So unbelievably gifted and impossibly intelligent. He could have been anything. Anything he wanted.
She had graduated from University. Would be going for her law degree soon. She was living her life. Fulfilling her dreams. She had a family in Dr. Tenma, and Dieter, and Dr. Reichwein. She had friends who she saw every day. Who she spent so much time with. People who loved and cared about her, who she laughed with, and cried with, and could show her true self to.
And Johann was here. Her perfect, invincible, unknowable brother. He was here now, trapped in a state somewhere between life and death. Unaware of the world around him. Part of nothing, and no one. Lost in a sea of darkness. Of pure, empty nothing, stretching on forever and ever.
No one ever came here to visit him. Only her, and sometimes Dr. Tenma, when he wasn't overseas somewhere.
She doesn't bother trying to stop her tears now.
She doesn't want this to happen to her brother.
Even after all he had done. Even though she knows, if he had somehow woken up, he would have been put on trial and convicted, and likely faced life in prison... She doesn't want this to be it for him. She doesn't want to think that she'll never speak to him again. That she'll never hear his voice again. Or look into his eyes, see him looking back at her.
It would be tantamount to a miracle if he ever did wake. She knows that. She knows she should resign herself to the fact that he won't wake. That he's going to grow old here, in this police hospital, his body withering away until he finally dies. She tells herself she should feel relief at that. That his suffering will finally be at an end then. That, as he is now, she prays, his suffering is stopped too.
That would be the normal thing to do. The normal thing to expect.
But Johann had never been normal.
"If anyone could wake up from this, I'd think it would be you." She says, her voice hardly a whisper. She half laughs, shaking her head. "Please Johann... wake up." Her hand claps over his, squeezing it gently. "I miss you big brother." She tells him, hot tears slipping down her cheeks. "... And I'm sorry. I'm just so, so sorry..."
/
He dreams of his sister.
He dreams of her while waking. Memories of her and him.
They were again children together, and Anna was by his side. He can see her there, down on her knees in the wild grass, picking flowers, her dress rumpled and dirty around the hem, and she's so beautiful and perfect and the only other person in the world.
He wants her to have everything. He wants her to have the entire world. He'll give that to her, someday.
"Here Anna." He says, falling to his knees beside her. They were running out of food. He doesn't mind for himself. But Anna will need more to eat. He'd packed what food was in their apartment before they left, made sandwiches and filled a canister with water, but it had been so little, and they had no money. He hands her the second to last sandwich, the cap of the canister filled with water. He smiles at her as he watches her face light up, taking the food and drink from him.
"Thank you big brother!" She smiles back, and he leans back on his hands, watching her hungrily eat.
After a time she looks up at him, her sweet face pulling into worry.
"Why aren't you eating, brother?" She asks, and he smiles at her again.
"I don't need to eat. Don't worry." He tells her.
She frowns, and then she giggles, and she's the most beautiful being in the world.
"Yes you do silly! Here, have some of mine." She holds out her half eaten meal, and he shakes his head.
"No." He says. "It's for you. I'll be alright." Again he smiles, and his sister looks unsure. But finally she seems to accept it.
"Okay!" She laughs, and continues eating.
He looks out across the expanse before them. The sun is beginning to sink beneath the horizon, casting a deep, burning glow across the sky and field, rendering everything in a hazy, dreamlike glow. They haven't made it far outside the city yet. But he has a plan. If they can make it across the boarder, they'll be safe. They won't be brought back. He has to get her across the boarder. He has to find more food and water, and get his sister across the boarder.
"I feel sleepy." She says beside him. He turns and looks and sees his sister lying in the grass, her eyes half closed.
"Go to sleep." He tells her. "I'll wake you when it's time to keep going."
"... Okay." She says, and she's already almost asleep. A moment more, and she is.
He lays his hand on her shoulder. Can feel the rise and fall of her breath.
"Don't worry." He leans down, presses a kiss to her cheek. "I'll keep you safe. I promise I always will."
Johann blinks, and he's standing on the street. The memory of hazy orange glow no longer burns his eyes. The sky here is bleak with black and billowing rain clouds, and the water comes down, sharp and hard and cold against him. Sheets of it, thick and unrelenting. The hospital gown soaks through in seconds and clings useless against his skin. He thinks he must be shivering with the cold, but he isn't sure. He's standing on the street outside her home. She has a home now. Anna does. Nina. His sister.
She'd told him about it. While he was sleeping. She doesn't know he knows though. She no longer held that connection with him. He could hear her still. But she couldn't hear him. She hadn't been able to hear him since that night. He'd lost her then... that night.
She's living with a young boy. The one who had been shadowing Dr. Tenma. Deiter. And the old man, Dr. Reichwein. Dr. Tenma comes, his sister had told him, when he wasn't working over seas.
Anna... Nina... he calls her Anna in his head, but he knows she would want to be called Nina. Both are false names anyway. His sister had told him she missed him. He doesn't think she quite understands her claim though. He doesn't think she quite knows if she really meant it.
She would be horrified to see him.
She wouldn't know yet. That he had woken up.
He'd escaped earlier tonight.
That had been difficult.
He'd woken up and his legs hadn't worked. He'd known they wouldn't, somehow. He didn't know how much time had passed, but felt it had been a long time, and when he'd removed the life support tubes from his body and pushed himself from the bed, he'd collapsed to the ground in a dead weight.
He'd made it to the window, no bars covering it, no handcuffs keeping him trapped. His arms had been nearly as useless as his legs, shaking violently and weak as he'd struggled to open the window's latch and push it open.
He'd thought, then, if he had been on some high up floor, he would have jumped, and killed himself.
Only the drop to the ground had been less than five feet, and the grounds of the hospital had been dark, no one around to see him as he pulled himself across the lawn, making his way towards cover.
It was pure luck he hadn't been spotted.
Johann wasn't used to relying on luck to get anything done.
He'd pulled himself as far from the hospital as he could before his body had at last failed him, and he'd had to stop in exhaustion. Afterward he'd lain for a long time in the same spot, hidden by thick shrubbery and trees, maybe a mile or so from where he'd come, and willed his legs to work.
It had begun to rain during the course, and he had thought of Ruhenheim. He had thought of Bonaparta, and Dr. Tenma, and Anna. All there. He had thought Dr. Tenma would shoot him then. He had been so close to it. Just Dr. Tenma and Anna left then. Just them to know and remember who he was. He had thought to erase Bonaparta. Erase all who knew him. For Anna. He had wanted to do that for Anna. One last gift. And then himself. Erase him from her life forever. Give her at last freedom from his hell. Give her freedom from past memories. From all the monsters.
Anna was another person.
They weren't the same, after all.
He had always believed that. Somehow. He had believed... like in the story book, he was only a part of her. They would always be together. Because he was her... she was him...
That hadn't been true though.
He'd only realized, at last, when she had told him. Her memories. Not his. They hadn't been his.
He'd sat there in their apartment. Alone. He'd been alone for a long time then. Anna was gone. Mother was gone. He'd begged Mother not to leave him. He remembered crying, begging her to stay. But she went. She went away without looking at him. Without speaking. There had been that story book. Sitting there on the floor. Bonaparta had left it. Left it there to be his only companion. And he'd picked it up, and he had begun to read, over and over and over, waiting. Waiting for Anna. He knew she would come back. He knew. The story had been about him, and Anna. She would come back when all the other people in the world were gone. And they would be together again.
But Anna hadn't needed him. Like Mother hadn't needed either of them.
He would die, and she would be free.
That's what he had thought.
He isn't sure of that anymore, though. He'd tried dying, but still he lived, and his sister had told him she missed him.
He had always missed her.
Sitting alone in that apartment...
Waiting for her to come back...
Light glares in the periphery of his vision, headlights cutting through rain, coming towards him.
Johann turns, ignoring the slash of cold and rain against his skin. Ignoring the weakness of his legs, ready to fail him. Moves away from the street, letting the shadows close in around him, hiding him away.
He dreams of his sister, and wonders if she ever dreams of him.
/