Close to mine
I can see the wind coming Save Me
Why are we so fond of clichés? You know, the over used phrases people use to describe the stereotypical response to certain stimuli. There's a cliché that I hate more than any other. "My life flashed before my eyes." Six words that can change life as you know it.
Save me save me save me (wooh)
Sometimes it ends in nothing more than scatted wits. Sometimes it ends in death, or at the very least a lot of pain. Even now, my mind can recall with absolute clarity the exact sequence of images that ran through my mind like a movie reel going backwards.
As I stumbled, memories ran through my mind so fast, yet at the same time each individual clip was as sharp and as fresh as if it was happening all over again. Sharper maybe. The blood was redder, the smoke from the ferry was thicker, blue scrubs became bluer until they matched the sky, until they were as blue as Derek's eyes. There in Derek's blue eyes, I heard him nonchalantly propose to me again, watching his lips form the words.
"You wanna get married? You never told me, and I never asked. And now we have a problem."
"What? No, I don't want to get married... do you wanna get married?" That's a hell of a thing to be asking in the midst of the total carnage that surrounds us.
"No, good. So if that's not it, what is it?" Excellent question… like I haven't asked myself that a thousand times.
"It isn't anything." And it isn't… not really. It's not really one thing, but it's a bunch of things that have piled up one on top of the other until I can no longer separate out the event that began the chain.
I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy
Why was I so quick to snap at him? Did I really mean no? I didn't mean no, I meant not now.
Christina, standing on the pavement as the ambulance doors swung shut flicked through my mind. Her odd peeping around the lockers, like she had something to tell me but either couldn't find the words, or was delighting in torturing me.
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
Save me ah (wooh)
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
Save me ah (wooh)
Suddenly, I'm in my house, with Izzy and Derek looking at George's empty room. Exactly like I was this morning, down to the words Derek and I were having.
"I was taking a bath!" I was just taking a bath and he freaks out because he comes in to find me completely immersed in the water. I was not drowning myself.
"That's not a bath, I know what a bath looks like." Whatever. This is coming from the man who lives in a trailer in the wilds of Washington State, who's only form of bathing comes in the form of a shower so small it's difficult to fit even oneself inside. No chance of drowning in there. He's just paranoid. He follows me downstairs, still riding my case about my "attempted" drowning.
"Your Mother! Look, your Mother was lucid and she said some things, and now she's-" How unfair! Yes, it freaked me out to suddenly and with no explanation have my mother back in my life, just as picky and insane as she always was.
"Gone! And everything's back to normal, it's not a big deal." Back to my fucked up life as usual. It's not pretty, but I'm starting to accept it.
"Yeah, except she's having heart surgery today." So, I'm a little nervous about her surgery, but I'm not so freaked out that I want to die. All I can do is sigh. Get a clue, Derek.
"Hey. Do you want me to talk to the Chief? I know you have the Triage thing today, but he'll give you the day off." That kind of pisses me off, who does he think he is? I already had enough of a problem sleeping with an attending before, I can't let him do me any favors. That's career suicide. I can suck it up for a shift… it's no big deal.
"Stop. I do not need rescuing." I sit down to put my shoes on.
"You would've drowned in the bathtub had I not been there."
"I'm a surgeon," I remind him, "I do the rescuing. You are not my knight in shining whatever." I yank on my boot and zip it up.
"So we're gonna fight because I pulled you out of the tub." He brought it up, and he keeps prodding the subject after I've asked him to drop it. So I guess, yes… yes we are going to fight because he pulled me out of the tub.
"You have a place. You could sleep at it. And then you don't have to pull me out of the bathtub." I can't help but look up at him, "You're everywhere, all the time, saying things."
"This is the happy ever after part. And in the happily ever after, the guy is there all the time, saying things and the girls love it!" He leans over me and smiles that adorable half grin. Bastard.
"Go to work, I'll see you there." I pull on my other shoe.
"And just for the record? I am your knight in shining whatever." This time he gives me a full blown smile. I hate him for it. And I love him for it at the same time. I look up to find Izzie drinking a mug of coffee and staring at George's empty room.
"I did not try to drown myself in the bathtub." I state.
"Hey, I ate everything out of the fridge last night. Everything. Including a tub of butter. There's not judgment here."
Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy
"Meredith!" Shit! He's following me. Shit, shit, shit.
"Leave me alone!" I shout. And I mean it. I have Finn, and he has McSatan, who's not really Satan, but I hate that I like her. I duck into the first door that's unlocked.
"Meredith-" He's following me, and making me nervous, and angry.
"Just leave me alone!"
"I just want to make sure you're alright."
"No! I'm not alright? Okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright. Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me again. Stop looking at me." I'm almost in tears. Why is he doing this to me?
"I'm not looking at you. I am not looking at you." He sounds pissed, like he's trying to convince himself as much as me.
"You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I feel like I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!" I gasp, because I really can't breathe. And he's still staring at me, then he starts gesturing as he talks and works himself up.
"You think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything to not be looking at you!" For a moment we are mad as hell at each other, and suddenly it's as if our will to resist breaks. We are in each other's arms, then we're kissing, and then we're having sex.
A few minutes later we are hurriedly getting dressed. Somehow in the course of our… interlude, I have lost my panties. Without them I'm uncomfortable, and I really just need to find them. Derek breaks the silence.
"What does this mean?" He buttons his fly while I search frantically around the room.
"Uh, I had panties on. Black ones. Do you see them?"
"What does this mean?" I look at him. Oh, God… I just had sex with Derek… again. I'm the dirty mistress… again.
"Fix your tie." I instruct, and he begins to do so.
"Meredith, what does this mean!?"
And none of these
Thoughts are real
So why is it that I feel
So cut up and so bad
I need to take control
Coz my mind is on a roll
And it isn't listening to me
I see the night I help Finn deliver a foal. He's washing my clothes for me because I'm covered in horse placenta. I'm wearing a long sleeve shirt on loan from Finn's closet with little else, sitting on a barstool. There's no reason for me to be self conscious, we're in for the evening, and there will be no sex until I feel ready. Everything is fine, one minute we're joking about how scary and damaged I am, and the next Derek comes in carrying Doc, who has been steadily getting sicker all day.
I am glued to Derek's gaze, trapped in a compromising position. From where he is it looks as if Finn and I were in the middle of something. From there my memory jumps to the following day. Derek had called me a whore, long after he had lost the right to think such things about me. He chose Addison over me, it was no longer his place to monitor my "extra-curricular" activities.
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
Save me ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
Save me ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
My foot hits the concrete lip of the pier, and the world around me slows. I fling my arms out, but I can already feel my momentum propelling me backwards. For an instant time stops and my eyes lock with the brown eyes of a frightened eight year old. Then I'm falling. It all happens so fast in real time that I don't even have time to yell for help.
Instantly I am back to the last kiss Derek and I had before Addison, exactly as he described it. My ratty Dartmouth shirt, with the holes, putting my hand gently on his chest and giving him a quick kiss. Just like I always had and always would. And then Addison swims into my head, yelling at Derek on the fifth floor, right above the fourth floor nurses station. Why wouldn't he pay attention to her, it was because she wasn't me. It was at that point in my life I realized that someone so beautiful could be jealous of someone like me.
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the dumbest of them all
Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second
Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime
Somewhere out there, in the city, there's a steak and a bottle of wine with my name on it. Derek helps me into my coat, and I can't help but feel starry-eyed and in love as I look at him. We turn to leave and he stops.
"Meredith, I am so sorry." He looks past me to a redheaded woman in a very expensive suit and coat.
"Addison. What are you doing here?" I'm so confused, this woman is standing in front of him like she owns him. My stomach starts doing little flips.
"Well you'd know if you'd bothered to return any one of my phone calls." She turns to me and extends her hand, "Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd."
"Shepherd?" Christ I'm confused. Not completely confused, because my stomach starts doing much bigger flips. Like I already knew the instant I saw her.
"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband." Husband? That bastard lied to me. I had come clean to him about my mother, and he couldn't tell me he was married to Isabella-freaking- Rossalini! I find the quickest escape I can, I flee to Joe's and about nine shots of tequila.
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
Save me ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
Save me ah ah save me ah ah
Save me ah wooh
(thinking and thinking)
Finally, I come back to the night Derek and I met. One of my first real nights back in Seattle after living in Hanover for the last millennia, or so it seemed. I checked out The Emerald City Bar. Coincidentally, it happened to be directly across the street from my new place of employment, Seattle Grace Hospital. I ask the bartender, Joe, to set up my favorite shot.
"Straight tequila? Really?" I nod, "You are going to be sorry in the morning." He pours and I smile. Just in the morning? If only.
"I'm always sorry in the morning. But tomorrow is my first day at work, so keep 'em coming." And he does. What an angel.
"Double scotch, single malt please." OK, so the totally hot man to my right just checked me out.
"So, is this a good place to hang out?" He asks. Uh, oh… he's attempting to make conversation. I don't need this right now.
"I wouldn't know, never been here before." It's honest, and it kind of shuts him down. Now I can enjoy my evening in peace.
"You know what? I haven't either." Seriously? The man is still trying to get my attention. He continues, "First time here. I'm new in town. Never been to Seattle. New job soon." He's rambling, and it's cute… but he's not my type.
"Ah, you're ignoring me." Bingo. He's hot and smart. That's unusual. He also seems like a nice enough guy. But bar dates are no-no's for me. They always get attached, as if sex will somehow guarantee the white picket fence and two-point-five kids.
"Trying to." I empty my third glass of tequila and motion for another. God, this is going to be a long night.
Several hours later, I am leaving Joe's with the incredibly attractive Mr. McHottie. I am three sheets to the wind and horny as hell. All I remember is waking up the next morning, on my mother's couch, completely naked. In the course of getting something to cover myself, McHottie wakes up.
"This is..."
"Humiliating. On so many levels. You have to go." I start to pick up my clothes.
"Why don't you just come back down here and we'll pick up where we left off?" Bar dates… and the white picket fences… McHottie should be going now. I try explaining to him that I have to go to my first day at a new job, and if he stays, I'll be late.
He at least has the decency to step into his boxers before trying to communicate with me again. This time he tries to talk to me about the house, and my mother's things. None of it is his business.
"You know, we don't have to do the thing." I say.
"Oh, we can do anything you want." I think he means it. But, I have to go.
"No, the thing... exchange the details, pretend we care..." Please stop talking, I'm not drunk anymore, but I'm still in trouble. He puts on his shirt, and of course he leaves it unbuttoned. I have to get out of this situation now.
"Look, I'm going to go upstairs and take a shower. Okay? And when I get back down here, you won't be here. So goodbye, um..." Oh, great merciful Christ, I don't know his name. I can't just call him McHottie.
"Derek." He looks disappointed.
"Derek! Right. Meredith." I introduce myself, feeling like a certified skank. What kind of girl sleeps with a man and doesn't get his name first. Apparently, a Meredith does. And apparently a Meredith also forgets to ask what a man does for a living before she sleeps with him. Oh, well.
Ok so here we go
I should at least make sure bar dates don't turn out to be serial killers…
If it works I'll let you know
Or Neurosurgeons.
One two three
I hope Derek knows that I love him.
During the whole incident I only have time to utter two words:
"Save me."
I say stop