A.N.: So, I was going through my Word documents the other day and ran into this! I wrote it on December 27th of last year... Man... It really feels like forever ago, but I decided to share it despite its age. Because I've been meaning to write more Get Backers, I really have! Plus, you just can't go wrong with the lovable dorks, Ban and Ginji.
Huzzah for Ban and his POV! He is such an awesome character after all. I had a lot of fun rereading my take on him in this fanfic. I do hope you all enjoy because I enjoyed writing it. :3 Please review?
Disclaimer: I'll give you three tries to guess who doesn't own Get Backers, and the first two don't count.
His eyes were cold, the same as my own. Those eyes, however, lacked humanity. They contained not even insanity or masked desperation like mine. At least that's what I've been told. His were the opposite-- orbs clear of all emotion. Completely devoid of anything that might've been there.
And I could tell that there had been something there, unsure as to what it had been, what he had lost... But the deep pain... The pain so deep that it made my eyebrows slope downward in an unneeded, extremely rare, and sympathetic motion.
"Stop staring and fight me, you idiot. You're the one who started this." His words were cold, as he snapped like a hostile mutt with threatened territory.
'How befitting', I had mused before my smug mask, my trusted features, returned to me.
It began to rain softly, the humid ozone felt overpowering. Neither of us were surprised by this betrayal of dark sky because we could both smell it. Eventually the warm, soothing rain turned into an unpredictable, wild storm. Lightning cracked and resonated closer as we continued our vicious dance. His attacks became the same, as if in sync with the weather. Then again, I expected no less from the famous Raitei.
It had been the most difficult battle in my life, and somehow we both managed to survive it. Surely, it had been his most difficult as well.
--
When I saw the eyes of Raitei that day, after our fight and verbal slings, I knew that he was miserable in Mugenjou. He fought me, but it was routine. It wasn't for himself, this futile struggle... Nothing in the cruel city suited him to say the least. There was no doubt that if I wasn't to be his major defeat, he would be his own demise, rather his own precious city would. It had already taken so much out of him physically and mentally. His eyes displayed everything.
So I had ceased, though not backing down, Midou Ban never backed down.
He froze at the sudden stop. "What are you doing, Midou? Running?" His words were tough as the harsh rain poured down on us both.
"Of course not! I was just noticing what a stupid kid you are... Willingly staying in this hell hole."
"This is my home. I was made to protect everyone in it."
"Is that what you want?" I reclined back against the cold, wet wall. I don't know what'd possessed me to ask him what he'd wanted, but something in him had shifted at my question regardless.
"I'm... Depended on."
I laughed. His response was almost mechanical it had been so forced.
"No, really. What do you want?" Now his eyes showed confusion. It was as if no one had ever asked him such a thing. The mighty Raitei of Mugenjou was gawking back at me like a lost child. I couldn't help but smirk at my small victory.
He'd muttered the question to himself again. I stared straight at him while he had done so, to see the flicker of longing, of hope in his usual empty, brown eyes.
"Go... Unless you have a death wish, just leave this place."
I knew the fight in him had left completely despite his unfulfilled threat by looking at his awoken features of disappointment, and possibly... Hurt? I'd left, turning my back on the childish, strange king of Mugenjou and didn't bother looking back.
I didn't need to look back because I knew in that instant that our fates were entwined. We were, in a way just alike, yet so different. Different because I'd known what I had wanted. I wanted a purpose. I wanted something to live for whether it was a battle or anything else relatively close. The thrill in knowing that at any moment, your opponent had something new, something challenging. An ability-- a possibility to prove myself over and over again as the best.
We were alike because there was, indeed something missing. Of course I knew what I'd wanted, but I hadn't truly found it before. My own purpose.
--
The next time I had seen him, he seemed more alive. He didn't smile, or greet me, not that I'd expected him to, but his eyes were brighter, not nearly as empty.
"Hey," he said to get my attention.
"What?"
"What are you doing here?" I didn't answer him. I hadn't intentionally been looking for him, but wasn't surprised that I'd run into him.
Silence inflicted us for a few moments. I had no reason to converse with him, so I saw fit to give him a small noise of parting before I began walking again.
"Wait a second," he'd said, hesitantly stepping forward. I could hear a fraction of a footstep from behind me. Had his arm been stretched out as if I would disappear completely? Perhaps it had only been my imagination.
Again, I grunted a reply, pulling out a cigarette to light as he spoke.
"You'd asked me what I wanted, right?"
"Mm, right," I'd muttered in acknowledgment. I inhaled deeply afterwards, feeling the familiar sensation of the nicotine burn through my body. Why'd I asked the dumb kid in the first place again?
"Well, what I want... I want freedom."
Exhaling, I'd turned to face him, his wish ringing in my ears regardless of whether I wanted it there or not. "Then what are you doing here, Raitei?" My speech was cool, indifferent as I looked into him again. He was much more awkward than before as well. I was reminded by his shy tone and awkward movements how no one had cared enough to ask him something so casual, thus explaining his strange behavior.
"Ginji-- Amano Ginji... And you don't know what it's like to have everyone depend on you like they do with me. I can't... I can't just abandon them." He sounded so desperate for an answer, as if he'd planned my responses beforehand.
"Look Ginji, I'm not your fuckin' guardian angel, alright? I didn't tell you to watch over these morons. I'm just telling you to leave if that's what you want to do." His issues were not my own, and I doubted that I could help him in the first place.
'How can I help you after all when I can't even help myself?' A dark part of me questioned, much to my annoyance. I could handle myself, really I could.
"I know," he had paused briefly. "I know, but I've been thinking since we'd talked and... I can tell that you aren't entirely happy either, right?"
Who was he to say I wasn't content! He had no clue-- the things I'd seen and done. He had no right to pass judgment on me at all, this kid. Just as I opened my mouth to retort, he spoke again.
"I don't want to hurt people anymore. I want to use my powers to help them."
'Help them...' The words jostled in my mind for a few moments. Sure, I had possessed morals, but I'd always looked out for number one at the end of the day. What others did never truly concerned me. The prospect of helping others, of putting them before my own well being sounded so foreign.
"Well, isn't that noble of you," I took another drag of my cigarette before I opened my mouth to speak once more. "And you need freedom for that?"
"Here, in Mugenjou, I can help as many people as I need to, but it's a repetitive, vicious circle..."
"The real world isn't any better."
"Anything is better than this. You said yourself that it's a hell hole."
I let out a laugh at his stubbornness. By this time, I could tell what his point was, but I'd decided to play along with his personal enlightenment. "Everyone still depends on you."
"I told them that I was leaving as soon as possible. I can't be their Raitei anymore, as much as they need me, and as much guilt I feel right now."
Flicking my finished cigarette to the ground, I took a small step towards him. "That's all well and good for you, Ginji, but what exactly are you planning to do?"
I remembered his eyes vividly then too... With the most light and hope I'd seen in them since we'd started talking. His whole face seemed brighter, more childlike rather than too aged or stressed for being a mere teenager. "You want to help people too, right? I thought maybe we could team up together-- just for a while... I'm not completely useless, and you know that, Midou."
Something compelled me in his request. While I saw no necessity or value for someone to tag beside me like some sort of shadow, there was a certain appealing aspect of forming a partnership-- a positive, helpful partnership with someone who was nearly my equal. Nearly, of course. Surely we could've easily accomplished many things, making a ton of cash in the process. Plus, as much as I tried, I couldn't find anything I hated about Amano Ginji. He had decent character, I could sense that much instantly. It hadn't been the same vibe I'd picked up from Yamato. Yamato had possessed good character as well, but he and Ginji were so different even at first glance. Yamato had helped me, as much as I still denied it within myself. Perhaps it was my turn to affect someone in the same sense. All Ginji knew was Mugenjou, so he was impressionable, gullible. He thought about things much differently than anyone I'd known. Perhaps that's why I'd agreed to it.
"Don't call me Midou. It's so formal, it's disgusting... Just Ban."
--
His childish ways seemed to amplify, taking over his once indifferent, empty personality. I didn't realize until later that his regression was nothing more than Amano Ginji outshining the Raitei for once. His strange joy and optimism rivaled my own skepticism and cynical outlook. He saw the good in people, while I was full of distrust towards them. I found it odd that his new views transcended any of his cold experiences in Mugenjou. Had he forgotten how violent people could be? How ruthless and low people could've gone in order to get what they truly wanted? I constantly warned him that even though I'd taken him from Mugenjou that people were still just as eager to use others in one form or another for personal gain. He reassured me that he knew better each time, telling me to have more faith in people, to trust. Instead, I sighed, and shrugged off the reply. Ignorance was bliss for him, but that meant I needed to keep a sharp eye on him regardless. He had proven himself strong physically, so their had to have been something to his "giving everyone the benefit of the doubt" attitude.
I wish I could've seen him as a nuisance because of our differences. I wish I could've found a reason to drag him back to Mugenjou, and thrown him before his former people and say, "Take your sorry ruler back. He's useless and stupid," but I couldn't. I just couldn't get rid of him, just like I couldn't hate him, or could've possibly turned him down when he's asked to team up with me. I told myself it was something in his geniality, why I stuck with him for so long... Why I'm still with him. It wasn't that I found him endearing or a valuable friend. After all, I didn't really need anyone but myself. They were just there, or convenient. There like my old witch of a Grandmother. There like Maria had been when I was young. Convenient like Yamato and his younger sister as my first taste of friendship and comradeship. Everything and everyone, every experience had a category within my life except Ginji. He became this unexpected turn in my life that had left me completely lost, but had led me to a beautiful, untouched place.
--
"Ban-chan?" It hadn't been more than a few weeks since we'd teamed up together. The nickname which I never bothered to correct developed due to his own strangeness. I knew if I even tried to correct him, he wouldn't listen. It came with eventually many shows of physical affections and tones, but at the time, it'd been a little... Different to my ears.
We'd been laying in the 360, my beloved car that I could go on no mission without. The sky was pitch black so not even the stars illuminated it, yet my eyes had become so adjusted, I could make out his large brown eyes without squinting. He was beside me, in the passenger's seat because certainly no one in my car would be in the driver's seat except myself.
"Mm..." I had exhaled in a tired sigh. There was no doubt in my mind that it'd been past midnight.
"You know that one power you have, right? The Jagan?"
"Mm-hmm," I had grunted quietly. Why had he just now been asking about my attacks?
"It makes you see a dream, right?" He sounded so curious. I probably would've been curious too if I were him... If I hadn't lived with the damned curse all of my life.
"Right... 'Fera minute," I'd managed to slur, closing my eyes again. I'd been on the edge of finding sleep before his game had progressed with increasing annoyance.
"Do..."
"Ginji, go to sleep. I'm too tired to listen to your rambling tonight. Whatever it is can wait until morning." There was an edge in my voice, that warned him to simply take that cue and end to the string of strange, somewhat troubling questions.
His eyes must've displayed his disappointment just as well as his voice. He uttered an apology and shifted in his seat nervously, in hopes of finding sleep. I'd taken notice of his sleeping patterns since he'd left Mugenjou. The truth was, he rarely did sleep, at least he wouldn't sleep with his eyes closed. He would gaze out the window, growing silent and still and his breathing would grow steady as if he really were asleep... For the most part he looked as if he were day dreaming, an occasional look of sadness reflecting on his features. It was a strange way to sleep, but I figured that if you grew up in such a place as Mugenjou, one could not fully enjoy a deep, careless sleep. He needed to keep his guard up in order to protect those around him.
The following morning, he did not pester me with the questions. He was just as cheerful, and I'd assumed that he'd forgotten in his rest. I didn't mind because I wasn't very keen on answering things about the Jagan. While it had helped me out in battles in the past, talking about its use with someone I didn't consider an enemy seemed strange.
That day I had also announced the plan, our plan for helping other as opposed to hurting them. Ginji and I formed the Get Backers Recovery Service, ensuring one another that we at least had each other to lean on when there was no one else. I had been convinced for so long that I didn't need anyone but myself, but I knew, even in that short of time, that Ginji was probably the closest thing to a "best friend" I'd ever had, or even would have for that matter.
The jobs we took on at first were rather small and didn't pay well. Not as glamorous or as much of a challenge as I would've liked, but to Ginji they were very rewarding. Each time we'd complete a mission, I could almost feel a piece of himself return to him. Sometimes, I felt that his happiness, his escape was my own reward.
The topic of my Jagan wasn't breached again until a few months later when a more serious job came long. Its use was required and when I called upon it, Ginji simply stared at me with a confused look. The man I'd used it on tore his eyes away from my face when he began screaming. I then grabbed what we were meant to retrieve within that minute, I also grabbed Ginji's wrist and we ran. That was our thing. We didn't hurt people unless it was mandatory. We did our job and we left, besides, by the sound of the man's screaming, the nightmare had been enough of a punishment.
"Ban-chan, was that it? Was that the Jagan?" He asked me when we'd stopped briefly to catch our breath.
"Yeah, it was... I didn't want to have to use it, but--"
"Do you... Control what people see?" Again, there was a strange curiosity in his voice. One, I didn't like...
"No, I really don't... It's what they're most afraid of. Ginji, why are you asking me all this?" Suspicion was evident in my tone.
"I was wondering if you'd use it on me." Somehow I knew he was going to ask me. I knew something had been wrong all along and because I'd used it, and he was now fascinated. Why hadn't I guessed it before now?
I never understood why anyone would possibly want to endure the torture. There was only one time I had seen the power of the Jagan first hand and that had been when my Grandmother couldn't control it. She hadn't meant to make me see the nightmare, but I had been pulled in just the same. I was only a child and the scariest thing my mind conjured at the time had been my mother's own screaming. Her delusional, hateful but fearful accusations towards me, her own son. I saw her inevitable suicide... After that hellish minute, the old woman stared at me with such sympathy. I remembered shaking, being ghostly pale, a cold sweat forming on my body. All I could think was how I'd been given this same curse. I could bring people that much pain and fear. Here Ginji was, asking me to willingly entrance him into a state of psychological madness.
"What the hell are you thinking!" I had shouted at him. In one instant, I was as mad as I had ever been with my partner. How could I have not felt so strongly against it when I already cared for him so much? If I were to do such a thing, I could never forgive myself, or him for asking.
He was shocked by my reaction, his eyes growing large. He opened his mouth to talk, but I was too furious by his stupidity to let him.
"No, I'll tell you! You aren't thinking! You never think! Did you even see that guy back there? He was screaming! He was so horrified-- like he was going to die! And you... You want to see that! How twisted are you!"
His look of guilt slowly transformed into indifference again as I screamed at him, just like that time I'd first met him. Those eyes that didn't want to face who and what he really was, and the guilt that was always there even as Amano Ginji. Inside... Even though his face looked as calm as a stagnant pond, inside, he was filled with that much self-loathing and that made me even more angry.
"No, I don't even need to use it, the Jagan. I already know what you'd see, Raitei." My voice had changed from an infuriated yell to a quiet tone of disgust. "You'd see everyone that you left behind. You'd watch them die slowly and painfully, knowing now that you can't do anything about it, but it'd be all your fault anyway, right? All because you abandoned them..."
A dead silence followed, he didn't even say one word to me. I couldn't even hear him breathe.
I pulled out a cigarette when I felt a headache coming. Lighting it, I exhaled the grey, decorative smoke, my eyes still watching him, even though he was staring at the ground dully. "I don't like people who waste my time, Raitei. So, go." I knew it was harsh, but there was no other way he'd learn to stop hurting himself. He needed to nurse his own wounds, not keep opening them up. He wouldn't move, so I started to walk away first.
"Ban-chan..."
"What?"
"I really did want this... The freedom. To stay like this."
"Yeah, and I wanted it just as much as you." At the time, he probably thought it was bitter sarcasm, but I had meant it.
--
Several solitary days passed after that night. It felt strange not to be badgered, not to share anything or forced to listen to his happy tone. As hard as I tried to busy myself during that time, I could not go back to being the same as I had been before Ginji. I spent much of my time the Honky Tonk, it was as much as cafe as it had been a business office for the two of us. While we had lived in my car, the Honky Tonk was merely an extension that didn't belong to me. I don't know why I subjected myself to sitting in the same booth, drinking the same coffee. Perhaps I had been hoping that my heart would've grown just as bitter as it had been, just as full of distrust... Needless to say, it didn't. Ginji, as deeply as I wanted to affect him by starting a partnership, had worked his way into my very veins.
When he came back, it'd been nearly a month later. The weather had been horrible that day, a murky, seemingly never ending rain had started just like the day we'd first crossed paths. I knew he was going to come back, I felt it with everything in me, but was still shocked to see him walk into the Honky Tonk after so long. Looking at each other, all we could do was smile knowingly. We knew the Get Backers had fused together again.
"Ginji, you idiot. What took so long? Geez!"
He laughed nervously and apologized, though not for before... But for now, as if he were really late for something. He didn't need to apologize because he was back and that's all that mattered. It made us both whole again.
--
Now that we were together for the second time as partners, I was able to fully appreciate the person Ginji was. He had been my best friend before, but now... Now there was more. We had more than friendship. It was an unexplainable, unshakable bond that would prove to last longer than most people, everyone but us, would've thought. I wasn't as cold as I was before, and he wasn't as desperate for an escape. He wanted to be beside me, not use me as a reason to subdue his own guilt. I never asked him where he was for that month. Whether he went back to Mugenjou or explored the outside world further by himself, I still do not know, but he'd changed. I guess to him, I'd changed too.
I found that he still slept the same way. His eyes open as if he were in a daze. I watched him even more intently and began noticing that not only did he appear dazed, but troubled. It was as if, when he slept, his true emotions were displayed on his face and he didn't even realize it. Little did I know that by asking, our entire relationship would change.
"Ginji," I repeated, jabbing his side while he slept, "Ginji, what's wrong?"
He snapped out of his "sleep," twisting to stare at me with wide, brown eyes. "What? Nothing... Nothing's wrong, Ban-chan." His tone was unconvincing and sweet, but soon it had hit me full force why. That look hadn't been there before he'd left the first time. He'd come back with that look. Was he even troubled at all? I began to see it as something else. I saw it now as longing. He tilted his head, confused, when all I could do was stare in amazement. My mind went blank.
"Ban-chan...?"
Silently, I leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, wondering for how long it was that I had felt the exact same way. Had it been before I'd left him? When he came back? When we'd first met even? I could never tell, but it felt wonderfully satisfying and relieving just to be able to kiss him, so it never really mattered to me when...
Even though there wasn't much room in the car, he managed to cling to me with a whole new desperation. I didn't think, I just felt. I felt the smoothness of his skin and tasted the sweetness of his lips which were so warm and pliant against my own. Every breathless exhale of my name had sent shivers down my spine... Even if I had thought at the time, I wouldn't have had any regrets whatsoever.
Everything about him amazed me. I had been with plenty of women before, but I'd never loved them. Ginji was different and unschooled, but enthusiastic and genuine. He kissed with such a hungry and desperate fervor and needed me as if the next morning I would be gone. He knew me and he knew I loved him even though I'd never told anyone who dared to ask. Ginji never asked, because he never needed to. If I hadn't wanted to be with him, I wouldn't have started anything that night.
--
Now I see him, years later, his eyes reflecting everything we've seen and everything we've been through. His brown orbs are full of such light and thanks for the life he would've never gotten to have. I'd gone out of my way, my own fucking self righteous, solitary way, to change him, to make him happy, but he did the same for me. To me, he'd seemed caged and restricted into a dark corner like some kind of monster. No one had bothered to truly understand him as Amano Ginji... To ask what he'd truly wanted. He, the threatening Emperor, needed someone to depend on as well. To him, I was just as unhappy, wandering around the world outside without a purpose, subconsciously looking for something... Someone to attach myself to like some parasitic leech.
"Ne, Ban-chan?" He leans his head on my shoulder from the passenger's seat of the 360 before reaching over to steal the last bit of the sandwich Natsumi had made for me earlier, making my eye twitch in annoyance.
"What? Stop stealing my food! I'm starving too, y'know!"
He smiles at my temper. "You know that one time-- It feels like forever ago... When you asked what I'd wanted."
"Yeah, what about it?" I grumble, throwing him a curious glance.
"I feel bad... I've never really asked what you were missing."
"Who says that I was missing anything?" I say defensively.
"Ban-chan..." His accusatory tone makes me sigh and roll my eyes.
"A purpose," I say simply, knowing full well he knew what I'd been missing. Hell, I'd been missing him. "I was going through the motions of a life, but not living one. Happy now?"
"Mm, very."
A small, knowing and understanding smile graces his face before he kisses me softly and my mind becomes a blank slate for him, as it always does and always will.