What is life…? Who decided when it is time for a person to die? What is death…? What happens after? These questions rush through my head as I sit there in silence. It was dark, the lights weren't on and the blinds shut. Yet somehow the pale green light from the city slipped through… it cast a ghostly shadow over the room illuminating it in its touch. Hah… it's funny… I thought he would always be there… always… guess I was wrong… I hold my head in my hands tears normally left unshed now scorching their way down my face.
Tseng… you were my support… my light, the one I would always go to… but now…who can turn to…? You are gone, dead like the countless people before you… I thought you were indestructible… but you were killed. Taken down by a single bullet… you must be cursing your luck right now… Gods, what am I going to do… there's no way we can… I can live without you…
But now you are gone. You left me... you left me here with nothing left… you stole my heart then… then you had to die… I bury my head in my arms trying to muffle the sounds of sorrow I feel are echoing throughout the room. Though I know they are silent. I can't deal with this. You have always been there Tseng… Always… I don't think… I can ever let go… Goodbye my light, too bad you aren't here to save me from the darkness, not anymore…
I sat there for the longest while thinking I stared down at the paper, the words of my sorrow leaking through the ink on the page, it was late… I get up and put my coat back on. Exiting my office for the final time tonight. On my way down the hall I slip the note under Tseng's office door, someone would find it later… walking out to my apartment I grab the flowers. They were black roses… I never thought there was such a thing until now…
I wasn't as dark outside… the lights from the city stores are harsh on my eyes, but I don't care… I look down and continue walking, to the grave of the one I love. Each step I took I could feel my heart breaking. Shattering as I draw closer, frozen over, then shattered by the realization that I'm alone. Like a vase being dropped on the harsh concrete of sorrow.
I am standing in front of your grave now… the dull stone, to me, looks so marvelous… like the most expensive marble… my legs give out and I fall to my knees. I can tell I am shaking my breathing is harsh in my ears as I trace your name with my trembling hand. Your beloved name, Tseng… my love, my light... I bow my head, I cannot bear to look at it any longer. My head is now resting against the cold stone, searching for your warmth, for your comfort.
"…Tseng…" I whisper your name… it already sounds so foreign… I shut my eyes tight not wanting to cry, I had cried enough… my body is shaking violently as I suppress my sorrow. I want to see you again, to hear your voice… to feel your touch. But I know that cannot be. For you are gone, taken from me just as those before you.
I have come to the conclusion that I am a curse. A bitter disease to this planet. I cause nothing but pain. There is no atonement for me other than death. My life no longer meaningful. I am falling faster into the darkness. I am scared, you aren't here to pull me out… Tseng, I need you, I love you…
I am growing weak, I know there isn't much time left for me, just a few months… then I will be able so see you… I cough violently, I feel wet slip through my fingers and I know it is my blood, the metallic scent fills the air. It drips off my hand and into the white snow. The snow now tainted with my existence.
The fit continues, I start feeling weak and my vision blurs. I'm scared… I don't want to die… I want to live, but I want to be with you… to see you… Gods it hurts. Everything hurts, I pant trying to catch the breath I have lost, and I can't support myself, my own weight dragging me to the ground. I fall into my side your name in the cold stone slab is all I see. For some reason it brings me some comfort.
My eyes are closing, slowly black dances around the corner of my vision. My breathing, still harsh shallows with the closing of my eyes. I feel numb but I know I am not dying. I am so tired… Tseng, so tired… I think now it is time for me to rest. Until we meet again me love… I shall visit here until my dying breath… Goodbye…