They are doing it again. The reporters are calling me 'Zeus'. I'm not sure why I'm being 'nicknamed' after the high god; I figure it's either because I'm the head of the fleet or because Lee's callsign is Apollo. Maybe it's both. The strangest thing, is that the same people call President Roslin, 'Hera'. Don't get me wrong, she's an amazing woman - only amazing women have ever argued back at me - but she's not Hera.
If I'm Zeus, there's only one woman who was ever Hera.
Caroline was so beautiful. I remember the first time I met her. Sitting in class at high school, Math I think it was, and she walks in. I was almost convinced the Gods had come down to the colonies. That may sound cheesy now but if you had seen her... Chocolate eyes and golden hair. A smile that beat any wattage lightbulb I'd ever seen. I fell for her completely. Within the week I'd convinced her to go on a date with me, within two months we were going steady.
It was perfect.
That next year was the worst. My parents decided to divorce, and being both unable and unwilling to comprehend the scale of this - my whole life effectively being turned upside down within those twenty minutes that they took to explain to me about their impending divorce - I upped and left to join the Colonial Military. Within the month I was at the Academy, my whole torn life behind me. The only person I wanted to keep beside me was Caroline and, for some incomprehensible reason, she wanted to be by my side too.
Two months later and war broke out with the cylons.
Now that war wasn't like the Armageddon we just experienced. It was a real war. One where there are casualties and injured soldiers who go home and try and rebuild their lives. At twenty-three I became one of those pilots.
I married Caroline exactly four months after I came home, a scarred, damaged man. Even though she had hardly seen me in the last four...or even seven years, she still loved me and I took full advantage of that. We married in a simple ceremony, my mother and hers being the only guests, aside from two friends who acted as witnesses.
I suppose I was a fool to think it could work. In reality I didn't know her and even if she had known me, I was changed when I returned from war. Some time later I found a job as a deckhand. Slowly, over the years, I worked my way up - determined that one day I would become something my children would be proud of.
If I had children.
I was thirty-one when I came home to find out Caroline was pregnant. She seemed so happy and ready for motherhood. It felt like this was the only thing I had ever really done for her, even though I had hardly done anything at all. She told me I was being stupid, that I had done plenty and that we'd make a great family.
Three years later and Zak came along. I was inclined to believe she was right. Life was good. I'd see the kids, play with them, be the father my own had been to me... Then I'd go back to work, miss them for months on end, rely on letters and photographs to remember what their personalities were like, what they looked like.
I can still see her face now. The unshed tears making her eyes glisten as she helps me carry my few bags out to the car. "You don't have to go now." She whispers, almost choking on her words. I just shake my head as I load the bags into the trunk.
"Why? Whether I stay or go, you won't be able to tell the difference."
"That's not what I said Bill." She sighed and smoothed a hand over her golden hair, tied back in a hurry during a heated arguement. "I'm just not sure it's wise for us to go on pretending. It'll only hurt the boys in the future."
Hurt the boys? Here she was, kicking their father out of the family home while they were at school, telling me that they'd hurt more in the future when they found out - IF they found out - that we didn't love each other anymore. Well that was a lie. We loved each other, we just weren't IN love. Or so I thought.
I moved out, bought an apartment in Caprica City and made it home, when I wasn't on a Battlestar. The Galactica was my real home. I was friends with practically everyone on the ship, my best friend being the slightly strange and totally insane Captain Tigh. I call him insane because even back then we could all see what Ellen was like. He, however, was blinded by love. Or lust. It could have been either or both.
I was thirty-eight and alone, with a slightly-too-tight wedding ring and a few pictures to remind me of what I once had. I worried that I'd never find anyone else, that my sons would never forgive me for leaving them. I shouldn't have worried too much. Although Lee only had eyes for his mother, he still tolerated me for a few hours, every few months. Zak would come and stay whenever I was planetside, questioning and playing and being the stereotypical pilots son.
It hurt like a bitch. Watching them leave to go back to their mother and her 'boyfriend', some rich business-type who didn't know the first thing about raising a family. It hurt to sit outside our house- their house in the car, waiting for the boys to finish packing their overnight bags, and watch as Caroline kissed the 'boyfriend', made him promise to call her when he got to whatever planet his meeting was on. I often wondered if he ever called her.
Gods, I was jealous.
Katherina was a girl in a bar on Geminon. She was a girl in my bed in a two star hotel suite. A few months, and she was my wife in my apartment in Caprica City. I was never IN love with her, I'm not sure if I loved her at all. I cared about her immensely, I know that much. She was a full ten years younger than me, no kids but also had a messy divorce under her belt. She'd been married to one of those business-types. It lasted five years and ended when she realised one morning that he had packed ALL his clothes when he had left for a business trip the night before. She never saw him face to face again.
I'm not sure what possessed me to marry her. All I know is that for two years I had another ring on my finger - and I hated it. It didn't look right, feel right...it was too small some days, too big on others. Hell, I admit it, the ring wasn't the problem. The ring was nearly identical to this one.
I guess I hated it because Caroline hadn't put it there.
When we divorced, I promised to remain friends with Katherina. The day the divorce was finalised, we went for a drink together. After that, I never saw her again.
I was what? forty-two? Somewhere about that. I'd been a Colonel for little over a year and it felt good. Infact, it was the only thing in my life that felt good.
For the next twelve years all I had was being a Colonel - then all I had was being the Commander of the Galactica.
I saw the boys from time to time, Lee still distant and Zak still eager to follow in my footsteps. Sometimes times his enthusiasm worried me, other times it was like a breath of fresh air. Lee, now twenty-three, was something I had always wanted to be. The respectable pilot who knew his place both inside a cockpit and out. Respected by all and brilliant at everything he turned his hand to. Not like me; forced to rush through military life, learning as I went and getting the scars and nightmares in the process.
Zak seemed to be heading the same way as his older brother and I couldn't have been more proud.
Fifty-nine years old and I recieved the call in my office. I can still remember the way her voice sounded faded, the faint clatter as my metal coffee mug hit the deck, my hand gripping the table. Zak... He'd been doing final flight training on a Battlestar, nearly ready for his first commision. There had been an accident. I'm still not sure exactly what happened but the general consensus was pilot error.
Fifty-nine years old and I was burying my son. No-one should ever have to bury their child.
Lee blamed me. It was easy enough to see but apparently that wasn't enough. After the funeral he had decided to 'talk' to me. I'm sure most of the town heard him 'talking'. The only people in that small crowd to even try and calm him were Caroline and Kara Thrace, Zak's fiancee. I wish I had seen them together at least once, rather than reading about their relationship in a letter Zak had sent the day before his death.
It was mostly because she tried to defend me that I had her assigned to the Galactica. There were strings to pull and deals to make, but I managed it. Did I mention only amazing women were stupid enough to defend me? It's true.
All through all this, through everything that had happened, I still loved her. Caroline.
If anyone is Hera, it's her.
She was never vindictive or manipulative. Never really shouted unless it was necessary and even then she made sure to apologise. She was always fair and always - always - right. If any woman deserved to be called Hera, it was her. Caroline.
It was a year after the funeral when we finally sat down to talk.
"Lee's doing well." You have to love how she doesn't try to break the tension. She just overshadows it with something that causes even MORE tension. I still haven't decided how or why women choose this method, but it worked. I started speaking.
"I'm glad. He's a great pilot. He'll be a good addition to any squadron."
"He's still single though. Refuses to even talk to me about possible womenfriends..." She smiled that smile, the one that got to me the first day I met her and I swear, I realised in that moment what a complete and utter ass I'd been my whole life. How incredibly idiotic I had been to let her go.
"What about you? Single?"
She gave me one of those 'that's none of your business' type stares before giving in. "No... I'm seeing someone. It's early days yet but...it's going well." Lords help me, she was going to get remarried. Then I'd never stand a chance with her again...
I had never stood a chance with her again.
"How about you?" She continued and I shook my head. Nope, no-one. Especially not now. There was only one woman I loved and I apparently wasn't getting her back during this lifetime. I never gave up easily - but I also knew when to cut my losses.
"No-one. Married to the job." I joked weakly but she didn't even crack a smile.
"You were always married to the job." I opened my mouth to protest but she held up a hand. "It's okay Bill. It's just who you are."
We talked for a long time. When we couldn't think of anything to say, we sat in silence. It was...comfortable and I almost wanted to fool myself into believing we were married again, just for a few hours.
Four hours later and I said goodbye. It seems like an inadequate goodbye now that I look back on it. The last time I ever saw the only woman I had ever truely loved and it ended with a quick kiss on the cheek and a mumbled 'take care'.
But what do they say? You don't know what you got 'til it's gone? She's gone alright.
I look down at the latest 'blog sheet' as the pilots have taken to calling it; a piece of paper with the main news headlines and a quick summary of the event underneath, not enough to be called a 'newspaper'.
Zeus and Hera Argue Over Fuel Crisis...
When will they understand, Roslin is not Hera? Hera is dead.