Hi, folks! This is what you get if you give me sugar in the summertime and I have nothing better to do... scary thought, isn't it?
Disclaimer: Unless my name is Kazuki Takahashi and nobody told me, which I doubt, I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and the only episode I have taped is pretty stupid. Thank God that WB got the new ones out, or else I'd be going insane... oh wait, I already have. Scratch that!
Happy Holidays
by TAFKAE
Chapter 1: Happy Halloween!
Jounouchi was standing two rungs down from the top of the ladder, and he still couldn't reach the roof. (Stupid safety rules - "always stay at least three rungs from the top," if that was true, he was pushing it already.) He and Honda had been decorating the latter's house, but he wondered if the place absolutely had to be this high-roofed. Honda had the cushy job of carving pumpkins.
Jou figured he could get away with one more rung.
"Hi, Jou!"
"GWAAAH!" As he jumped, the ladder toppled to the side, dragging its rule-breaking passenger along with it, and landing directly on top of him as well. "Ow… get the antiseptic…"
Honda ran out the front door. "Holy crap! Is it okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine…" Jou moaned. "Merely a flesh wound…"
"Not you, the ladder," Honda scolded, setting it back up. "Honestly, Jou, you're such a -" Then he noticed the cause of the disruption. "Oh, hey there Yugi. When did you get here?"
"Right before Jou fell off the ladder," Yugi said cheerfully, oblivious to the fact that it was his fault. "How're your costumes coming?"
"Perfect," Honda replied. Anzu had suggested that he and Jou go as Beavis and Butthead, and though Honda had thought (and still did) that it was a good idea, Jou had expressed violent opposition. Emphasis on violent. Honda had decided to go as James Bond instead.
"I would be finishing it up if Double-Oh-Seven here hadn't drafted me to deck out his house because he can't reach the roof," Jou spat, standing indignantly. "Though honestly I haven't been able to find enough gel to hold my hair up like I need."
"You can borrow some of mine," Yugi said almost instinctively. He had quite a bit at home - after all, he needed it to keep his hair the way he did.
"Borrowing implies returning," Honda pointed out.
"Have, then. But I don't think I can help you with the roof thing."
"No biggie. I think Anzu's got an extension ladder someplace," Jou said with a grin. "Have you decided what you're going as?"
Yugi was grinning just as much. "Yeah, but I'm keeping it a secret 'til tomorrow. It's really good, though!"
"Well, why'd ya come all the way out here?" Honda asked. His house was in a neighborhood fondly dubbed "the boondocks." "Can't be just to check on us… Ooh! We could have gone as the Three Stooges!"
Yugi laughed. "Naw, I just need some Wite-Out. I think Grandpa used the last of ours on the electric bill this month." For a moment Jou wondered if this had anything to do with the fact Yugi hadn't picked up the phone for a week, but he decided not to ask.
Honda reached into his coat pocket and rummaged around for a second before producing a small white plastic bottle, which he promptly tossed to Yugi. It bounced off his head and into the grass. "Oops."
Yugi picked it up. "Thanks. I'll bring over that gel later on, alright Jou?"
"Gotcha." Jou flashed his friend a thumbs-up. "Oh, and don't forget, Anzu's place tomorrow at eight!"
"Wouldn't miss it!" Yugi called, and with that, he was gone.
The next day at 8:14 PM…
Jou sighed. The trick-or-treaters were already out, and if Yugi didn't show up soon, they were gonna miss out on all the good candy!
Honda flipped through channel after channel of horror movies, finally settling on "The Twilight Zone" which seemed to be the closest thing to tolerable. Cable is overrated, he thought to himself. He was in a black suit and bowtie (probably borrowed from his dad) and had his hair slicked back. Very Bondy. And Bond was synonymous with "chick magnet."
Anzu flipped through her magazine for the fifth time. Where the heck is he? she wondered irritably. At a glance, it was hard to tell it was her, though despite the blue hair paint, she still looked rather Anzu-esque. Though after all this waiting, she was dang close to having the Bulma attitude to match her costume.
Jou's hair, thanks to a generous donation of gel from Yugi, flew out in every conceivable direction except forward, and so did his giant red coat. It didn't look as though it would be at all unfeasible to hide illegal aliens under it. The cardboard gun looked fake, but completed the Vash entourage nicely.
The doorbell rang for the fifth time that night, and Jou got up to answer it, cursing as he almost tripped over the coat. (How the heck did Vash do it?) As such he opened the door a little bit more harshly than he meant to. "Yeah, what?"
Oh God. Another trick-or-treating kid. "Hi!" he greeted, a bit too cheerfully to be #17, but the rest of the costume fit down to the letter. Except the backpack.
"We don't have any candy," Jou groaned, starting to shut the door.
The kid stuck his hand in it. "Jou, it's me!" he half-whined, half-laughed.
Jou reopened the door. "…Yugi?"
Yugi nodded vigorously. Come to think of it, Jou thought, noticing the bright yellow streaks through his friend's hair. Those things had to be dang hard to hide - no wonder he kind of flaunted them the rest of the time. "Oh my God," he said with a grin. "Come on in!"
Honda fell off the sofa he was sprawled over when Yugi entered. "Holy crap, Yugi, is that you?!"
"What?" Yugi asked innocently, noticing everyone staring at him. "I don't look that different, do I?"
"Hell yeah," Honda and Jou said in unison.
"Oh, man," Anzu breathed. "I've never seen you with your hair all… you know… normal! But what possessed you to go as Juunanagou? He's not even your favorite," she added. (This was true; his favorite characters were Goten and Puar.)
"It was Yami's idea," Yugi smiled, twirling the giant scarf around his finger enough that they could see the Puzzle hidden underneath. "Oh, and speaking of him…" He held up one finger. "He got into either the pocky or the Pixy Stix, or maybe both, and now he's really hyper, so I might not really be into this tonight."
Silence. Everyone shot him an odd look. "What?" he asked defensively.
"How can one of you be on a sugar high and not the other?" Honda ventured.
Yugi shrugged. "I have no idea, but that's how it's going, so there you are…"
Jou scratched his head. "I don't have a clue what you just said…"
"How very Vash of you," Anzu said flatly. "Now, what say we get out there and get our candy before those brats down the street do?"
Yugi grinned. "Sounds good to me!"
As they went out the door, Jou could be heard muttering something about "oh yeah, get BOTH of them on sugar-highs… can we spell Pietro Maximoff?!"
Two full hours and several full candy bags later…
They were exhausted. Anzu and Yugi, that is. Honda and Jou had started on their candy and were now singing the theme from "Little Shop of Horrors."
"They're starting to scare me almost as much as Yami is…" Yugi muttered, not sure if Anzu heard him or not, and not really caring any. Anzu wondered how Yami could be scaring him more than Honda and Jou.
They walked in silence for a few more minutes, on their way back to Anzu's house. Anzu and Yugi, that is. Honda and Jou really didn't care if they were going anywhere so long as they had their candy, and they were most certainly not silent. Suddenly, and seemingly totally unprovoked, Yugi shouted, "NO, GOD DAMN IT, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT ROLLING HIS HOUSE!!!"
Everyone stopped and stared at him. Yugi looked around. "Did I say that out loud?"
"Oh, you kids," a familiar voice said from behind them. "You shouldn't be yelling like that. Whatever would the neighbors think?"
They all turned. She was wearing a tight two-piece pinstripe suit, with no shirt under the jacket (much to Jou's satisfaction), a tommy-gun hoisted over one shoulder, and a nice gangster hat with lots of wavy golden hair underneath.
Lots of wavy golden hair.
Yugi blinked. "Mai?"
The woman pushed the brim of her hat up with the barrel of the gun, revealing that yes, it was indeed Mai. "What? How do you…?"
"Oh my gosh, Mai, I had no idea you lived in this neighborhood," Anzu said in a perfectly level tone that revealed she wasn't at all thrilled.
"Or this city for that matter," Jou added, unable to take his eyes off her chest.
She recognized his voice. "It's YOU! You of all people!"
"Is that a real gun?" Honda asked eagerly.
"Why, yes," Mai replied proudly and proceeded to pump a nearby tree full of lead. Everyone stopped and gaped, except Yugi, who seemed to have spaced out. A few seconds passed following the demonstration, then she leaned over (Jou found himself grinning) and tapped Yugi on the head with the side of the barrel. "Why'd you bring Kaiba's brother? I thought he was old enough to go on his own now."
"It's Yugi," Jou corrected. "With his hair down," he added.
"Yugi's hair can go down?" Mai asked in disbelief. It had never occurred to her that maybe it could. She didn't know where she'd gotten the idea that it couldn't, though; hers required a considerable amount of hairspray to stay up, and that was the bangs alone. Not waiting for a response, she continued. "Where're you four off to? Finished the rounds?"
"We're going on back to Anzu's house," Honda explained. "You wanna come with? We've got more chips than we can eat and more horror movies than we can watch."
Mai sighed. "…Do you have 'The Poltergeist'?" she said at last. Honda nodded vigorously. "Well then…" She hoisted the gun over her shoulder again. "I guess there are some things little girls never grow out of. Count me in."
Jou tapped Yugi on the shoulder. "You comin'?"
Yugi jumped and looked up. "Yeah, of course!" He grinned that cute grin of his and followed along.
[A minute or so earlier…]
NO, GOD DAMN IT, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT ROLLING HIS HOUSE!!!
The yell was almost as loud outside as it was in. Yami had just asked for a Creme Saver. <All right, all right, chill out. And I didn't ask about rolling his house.>
You were about to.
<That's true. But I didn't!> Yami sighed. <And besides, how the heck is he gonna recognize us?>
So THAT'S why you chose this costume!
<That, and Juunanagou is my favorite character. Reminds me of me.>
Either way, we're not doing it. And I'm taking it upon myself to make sure you NEVER have sugar again. Or caffeine, for that matter. That'd probably be even worse!
Yami sighed again. <All right, all right. I'll just eat chips and watch the Poltergeist…> Then he got an evil idea. <Or make YOU watch it.>
You wouldn't!
<Watch me.>
It's reason enough to take the Puzzle apart.
Yami jumped. <You dork.>
If that's the best you can come up with, you're definitely never having sugar again.
<All right… fine…> Yami shrugged in resignation. <You win. I'll be good.>
Good. Now that we've gotten that settled, let's go back.
Jou tapped Yugi on the shoulder. "You comin'?"
Yugi jumped and looked up. "Yeah, of course!" He grinned that cute grin of his and followed along.
They'd gotten maybe halfway back to Anzu's house when Yugi started to feel something out of the Puzzle that he'd never felt before, and didn't know what it was until he heard Yami's voice, a little fast and almost gleeful. <I didn't want to do this, little buddy, but you've left me with no choice.>
Outside, Yugi stumbled for a second, almost falling over forwards if not for Jou catching him. Jou only had to take one look at the slightly deranged grin on his face to get an idea of what happened. "What the heck did you do?" he asked as Yami stood.
"He's fine," Yami reassured him.
Mai was confused. "Who's that 'he' he's talking about?"
"It's a very long story that none of us fully understands," Anzu sighed, grabbing at Yami's candy bag. "Would you just let it go?" she asked him frustratedly.
Yami was already stuffing his face with chocolate. "Holy God this stuff is good," he mumbled.
Now Mai was really confused. A second ago, Yugi had seemed calm and collected, and now he was a raving sugar-crazed psychopath. And… was he taller than he'd been before? She shook the idea out of her head. That was ridiculous. Taller, sheesh.
Yami suddenly sat down on the ground and yanked off his backpack, then started rummaging around inside. "Ohoho-hoho. Guys, we're not going back to Anzu's house just yet."
"Oh, good Lord. Where *are* we going then?" Honda muttered.
No answer. Yami was still looking for… whatever he was looking for in his backpack. It sounded like glass breaking, a balloon popping, and a cat screeching, but finally he produced it unharmed, leaving no explanation behind the sounds. A roll of toilet paper.
Jou started jumping up and down. "All RIGHT! So who're we doing this time, huh? Who're we doing this time?"
Yami grinned evilly and pointed to the south. There was a hill. And on that hill was…
"The Kaiba mansion?!" Mai shouted. "You've gotta be kidding!"
Yami glared at her. "I do not kid. Ever."
Anzu wasn't going to accept without offering her two bits. "I'm not going to be a part of this. Not only will we get in an incredible amount of trouble, but it's also REALLY childish and immature!"
"That was redundant." He pulled another roll out and tossed it to Honda, who looked almost as excited as Jou.
"I'm above that. And I'm going home!"
"Suit yourself." He rifled through the pack a little more before pulling out a third roll of TP, causing Mai to start wondering where the heck he kept it all. "What about you, Mai?" he asked before popping a miniature Three Musketeers bar into his mouth.
Mai looked at him quizzically. She didn't know what Yugi was up to, but whatever it was, this just wasn't how she remembered him from the Duelist Kingdom. He'd been a sweet little kid who could cry at almost anything, and understood exactly what was going on even when no one else did. And he'd always been nice to everyone. That wasn't the guy she was looking at now. It was probably the guy she'd been looking at five minutes ago. And come to think of it… his voice was different, too. It was uncanny. And weird.
But what could have brought on such a drastic change in such an incredibly short time? she wondered.
Well, at any rate, Kaiba was a big jerk, though he could probably be attractive if he'd just do something with his hair. "All right then," she said with a smile as she took the roll from his hands. "That's another thing little girls never grow out of."
And without further ado, the evil quartet started toward Seto Kaiba's house.
"WHAT are you telling me to do?!" Mai almost screamed.
"Just go up and flirt with the guards long enough for us to sneak over the wall. Then we'll knock 'em out and let you in," Yami explained.
"How exactly are we gonna do that?" Honda asked. "They've got guns, for God's sake!"
Yami got that evil smirk on his face again. "Just leave everything to me…"
Jou shuddered. "You know, you scare me when you smile like that."
Yami just downed a couple Pixy Stix in reply.
"Oh boys…" Mai put on her best seductress face and strutted closer to them. Damn… of all the nights to wear pumps. Honda had taken the tommy-gun (they didn't trust Yami with anything more dangerous than string, and they were gonna keep the string away from Jou), and they were all ready to climb the kudzu and hop the wall.
The guards looked at her all right. And her half-open jacket. And turned bright red. "Uh, yes ma'am?" one of them asked.
"I was wondering if you big boys could help me out," she crooned. "See, I think there's something on my shirt…"
She'd quickly moved around to the other side of the guards, getting them to look the other way. "Now! Move!" Honda hissed. With no further sound, they hopped onto the wall and across, then Honda headed for the gate while Yami crawled down the wall until he was right behind the guards. Jou made a sound reminiscent of a croak.
"Uh… guys?" he whispered.
Honda turned around. Jou's coat had caught on a rock at the top of the wall and, though Honda felt sincerely sorry for him, he knew he couldn't help him get down yet. "Just a sec, Jou…" he murmured.
Yami sat cross-legged on the wall next to the gate, deciding he'd watch where Mai's conversation with the guards went, when he felt his aibou stir. What happened?
<I'm not done. Go back to sleep.> With that, he knocked him out again. Dang… Yugi had come out of it faster than he'd thought he would… he'd have to stop prolonging this and get it over with. Which, in his sugar-frenzied mind, was one of the worst bummers in recorded history. Oh well. He sighed, then cleared his throat loudly. "Hello down there…"
"What the hell -" one of them started as he turned around, but Yami already had his hand up and facing them. Mai wasn't sure what he was about to do, but she was sure she didn't want to be in the way when he did it. Effortlessly, he engaged his famous (at least to us) mindcrush, and the two stock guards fell to the ground, unconscious.
Honda winced as he watched. He couldn't recall ever seeing it from this close up, but it looked pretty painful.
Mai was almost in shock. "What the hell did you just do?!" she demanded.
Yami popped a Tootsie Roll in his mouth. They were even better, he'd learned, when you let them melt a little in your pocket before eating them. Not to mention they kept you from having to answer awkward questions.
Jou squawked slightly. "Guys - a little help here -"
Honda walked back over and rolled up his suit sleeve a little bit, revealing a watch that looked remarkably like a Rolex (though it wasn't). After a second of moving his wrist around, he fired it, blowing the whole dang stone to bits and sending Jou sprawling to the ground.
With remarkable agility, Yami rolled off the back of the wall and landed softly on his feet as Mai climbed it and hopped delicately to the other side. "Where did you get that?" the former asked, thoroughly interested.
"I'm a member of the Official James Bond Fan Club," Honda replied proudly. "It was in the welcome packet."
"Sugoi…" Honda jerked it away as Yami tried to touch it. "Aw, come on. Why can't I play with it?"
"Because in the state you're in, I wouldn't trust you with anything more dangerous than finger paint."
Yami sighed dejectedly. "Oh, fine… You win…"
"He said it!" Jou almost shrieked. "Oh my God, he said it!" He turned on Honda. "You owe me fifty bucks!"
"What?" the other three asked at the same time in varying tones.
"Said what?" Yami and Mai asked.
"You still remember that?" Honda grumbled.
"We made a bet," Jou explained with a grin. "If Yami Yugi ever says 'You win,' of his own free will, Honda has to pay me fifty bucks."
"I didn't think he'd ever say it," Honda sighed, reaching into his pocket. "I'm a little short on cash… you can hold out till tomorrow, right?"
"Yami Yugi?" Mai asked, fully confused beyond belief. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"It's a very long story that none of us fully understands," Jou replied.
Yami raised his hand. "I understand it."
Honda and Jou promptly smacked him over the head. "No you don't, and neither does anyone else," Honda said reprovingly. Yami just scowled and rubbed his head. Jou made a mental note of how far different he was when he was on sugar.
"Anyway, we got a job to do," Honda continued, hefting his roll of toilet paper. "Jou, you -"
"Last I checked, Honda, I was in charge here," Yami said indignantly, then pointed to the side. "Jou, you and…" He was about to say Honda, but hey, why just be evil to Kaiba when you can be evil to your friends in the process? "You and Mai take the back of the house; me and Honda will get the front." He pulled a jumbo-size pack of TP rolls out of his backpack (Mai's eyes widened considerably, but apparently Jou and Honda were too excited to care, though for different reasons) and tossed it to Jou. "Leave no tree un-rolled!"
Jou saluted. "Aye aye, cap'n!" Before Mai could object (and almost before she could grab her tommy-gun) he grabbed her by the wrist and headed around toward the back of the massive grounds of the Kaiba mansion, laughing and singing gleefully as he went.
For a moment, there was silence out front, in which Yami just stood with an almost wistful quality on his face (though he was still smirking) and Honda just stared in disbelief. Finally, he turned to his smaller friend and said, "You are evil in its purest form, you know that?"
"One hundred percent natural spring water," Yami replied happily, popping a mini Snickers in his mouth. "And like you said…" He pulled out ANOTHER jumbo-size pack of TP rolls. "We got a job to do."
"Do you have a hammerspace portal in there?" Honda asked, gesturing at the backpack.
"Only on Halloween. Now shut up and start rolling."
Another two full hours later…
Yami sat on the wall right next to the gate, where he'd knocked out the guards a while earlier. Honda was standing nearby, watching for Jou and Mai, who (much to Yami's sugary, psychopathic amusement) hadn't yet returned. "Where the heck are they?" Honda wondered aloud.
He heard a small chuckle from the wall next to him, and wondered briefly if maybe Yami did know more than he was letting on. He also heard a munching sound, and decided not to ask him to share.
Just then, Jou and Mai emerged and started running across the walk as quietly as they could, though that didn't say much; after all, Jou was wearing big clunker Vash boots and Mai was wearing pumps. "Got back as soon as we finished," Jou panted as they arrived near the other two.
"Took ya long enough," Yami replied, with a more-than-slightly deranged grin on his face. "You guys weren't fooling around or anything, were you?" He let out a yelp as the butt of Mai's tommy-gun connected with his head.
"Pervert!" she shouted, then turned to Honda. "Is he always like this?"
"No, this is the first time I've seen it," Honda replied, shrugging.
Yami was rubbing his head when suddenly, his face screwed up a little, and he rubbed the bridge of his nose as though he was starting to get a migraine. "Oh, crap."
"What?" Jou asked. "You okay?"
"He's just coming into the sugar crash," Honda suggested.
Yami shook his head. "No, that's not it - he's waking up - and man is he gonna be mad -"
Mai looked toward the house, assuming Yami was referring to Kaiba. "I can imagine…" But then… how the heck could he tell? Hmm… after what he'd done to the guards, Mai just wasn't sure what this kid was anymore. Or if he was even human.
And suddenly, Yami wasn't there anymore, and in his place was the cute little kid with big eyes, who didn't have a clue what his other had just done… yet. He blinked a few times, realizing it was still Halloween night, and he was at Kaiba's house without a clue how he'd gotten there, and the house, lawn, trees, flowers, and a couple of topiaries were all covered in toilet paper. His already huge eyes got wider as he realized what had just happened, and he fell to his knees, staring in shock at the roll-job of the century. "Oh my God…"
"Yeah, beautiful, ain't it?" Jou asked wistfully. "Even better than the principal's house last year…"
Mai noticed him, though. Something was different about Yugi… he seemed smaller and less sprawling than before, and he wasn't reveling in what he'd have called a masterpiece just seconds ago… "What's wrong, Yugi?" she asked.
He looked up. "Mai?" Come to think of it, he did vaguely remember meeting up with her on their way back to Anzu's house… Anzu. "Where's Anzu?"
"She went home," Honda said simply. "Said she was above rolling Kaiba's house even though there's no way in hell he'd see any of us…" Yami had been right. Little Yugi was awake, and he did not like what he found.
Jou didn't notice, spreading his arms out to the sky. "This has got to be the biggest house to have ever been TP'd in recorded history!" He sighed. "I am proud."
"You do realize how bad of an idea this was, don't you?" Yugi asked both his friends and his still-hyper yami. "Don't you?!"
"I don't see why. Nobody saw us," Mai pointed out.
Yugi paused, then pointed to a corner of the wall. "Except that." Another one. "And that." And another. "And that."
Jou, Honda, and Mai followed his gestures with their eyes, straining to see in the darkness, but they all noticed at almost exactly the same time. "Oh ####!" Jou shouted.
Honda jumped backward. "He's got -"
"- security cameras!" Mai wailed.
There was a momentary pause inside. <Damn. Forgot about those.>
"What're we gonna do?" Jou babbled, rushing around the other three in circles. "Whatrewegonnadowhatrewegonnadowhatrewegonnado?!?!?"
Yugi sighed. "As far as I can tell, our best chance for survival is booking a flight to Canada by sunrise."
Honda and Jou were already scaling the wall. Yugi followed, waving his legs around chibily as he attempted to get them over the top. Mai managed to grab one of his feet and give him a boost, which surprised him and caused him to fall on his head on the other side. She herself came over last.
There was a short pause, and then Jou asked the question that was on everyone's mind…
"Where's Canada?"
Well, maybe not everyone's, but it was sure on his.
Kaiba woke up later than usual the next morning. Mokuba had been pestering him nonstop the night before, but he'd managed to pull the boy home by quarter to ten. It had been no easy task. Mokuba's puppy-eyes were rivaled only by Yugi's.
He sighed as he poured himself a big cup of coffee and started looking for the remote. His early news show (pretty much the only show he watched of his own free will, besides Letterman) had started ten minutes ago. Finally, he found it and clicked on the TV in his bedroom just in time to hear:
"And, in local news… It's being called 'the biggest TP job in recorded history,' and it's right in our hometown! That's right, last night the entire premises of the Kaiba mansion were covered in -"
It was at that exact moment that he accidentally sprayed the coffee all over the room. He ran to a window and looked out over his front lawn. Then:
"HOLY ####!!!"
He didn't know his window was halfway open. The TV voices paused for a second, and then piped up again. "Well, it looks like Seto Kaiba's just discovered the state of his house…"
Kaiba went on, oblivious. "Whoever did this is gonna die a very slow and painful death." As an afterthought, he added, "And the buffoons who're supposed to be my security team are all fired."
Just then Mokuba popped in, sporting a very happy grin. "Hey Seto, didja see what somebody did to our house? Isn't it funny?"
"No."
Mokuba ignored him. "Oh, and they said on the innernet that two of the guards think they're Twizzlers…"
Kaiba narrowed his eyes. "When were you on the internet? What have I told you about sneaking downstairs late at night, Mokuba?" The tone was dangerous at best.
"Uhh… don't do it?"
"Yes, Mokuba…" he hissed. "But what I wonder is, what else were you doing late last night?"
Mokuba's face twisted up. "EEEEEWWWWW!"
Kaiba jumped. "Damn it, that didn't come out right at all!" He bent over and poked his little brother in the chest. "What I mean is, I don't know who rolled our house… but I'm going to find out!"
"How?" the boy asked innocently.
He smirked. "My computer and the security camera feeds will tell me."
Mokuba jumped almost exactly like his big brother had done seconds before. "Uhh, there's no need to do that! The computer wouldn't know, would she?"
"Oh, yes she would," Kaiba seethed, and with that headed down towards his favorite room, the one where he spent most of his time… the computer room. Not, of course, without Mokuba trying to pull him back by his trenchcoat the whole way, grabbing onto and probably breaking everything he could land one hand on. (He'd crashed in his clothes last night, out of sheer exhaustion. Hey, if you'd been toting a sugar-high Mokuba around town for several straight hours, you would too.)
He finally reached the room and entered, typing his password into the computer. It rejected it. "Damn it…" He tried typing another one. It was wrong too. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"It's 'Pegasus is a big fat one-eyed loser'," Mokuba said simply. "With underscores between the words. And loser has a capital L."
Kaiba eyed him suspiciously for a second, then typed it in. It was accepted. "How did you -?"
"I watched you a couple times," Mokuba replied, smiling nervously. Kaiba made a mental note to change his password. And to something a bit less obvious.
The computer decided to speak up as he put on the little headset thingy. "Hey Kaiba, have you heard the news? There was a break-in on the property last night!"
"Access the payroll for the security people," he returned sharply, and when it lit up the screen, he continued. "Good. Now fire them all. And get a want ad in the paper," he added.
"Bossy, bossy, bossy," the computer sighed, but did it anyway.
"Now show me the footage the security cameras caught." She did. It was no good, really; they were all in costume and he only recognized one of them. "Is that Mai?" he wondered aloud. There was also a Vash and a James Bond, and a #17…
He suddenly glared at his brother. "Look at that… a Juunanagou about your height…" Guess who Mokuba had gone as.
Said brother's eyes went wide. "It wasn't me, niisan! I swear, it wasn't me!"
"Yeah, right…"
"It's true, Kaiba," the computer piped up. "He was playing Neverwinter Nights on me all night long."
"So…" He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin, Mokuba breathing a sigh of relief. "Then who are they? Give me an audio."
"I don't have one."
"Say what?!"
"The new security cameras you had installed didn't come with audio features. It's not my fault."
"Like hell it's not. You've gotta have a lip-reading program in there someplace."
There was a brief pause. "No, actually I don't. But I'm sure there's one on the internet. You can always find what you're looking for on the internet."
"There's eight billion web pages out there, and even Google only has 3 billion indexed. How do you expect to find anything?" He sighed and waved one hand. "Well, look, anyway…"
"I happen to have every search engine out there cross-referenced enough that I can access everything," the computer replied indignantly. "And if you're going to be so bossy about it, I don't think I will look."
Kaiba bent down and fingered her main power cord. "Aw, what a shame. Does that mean I'll have to pull this?"
"I was just joking…"
A few hours later…
"Got it!"
"Finally." Kaiba made a mental note to get a DSL line someday soon. Dial-up just didn't cut it anymore. He clicked off the TV (with a small protest from Mokuba, whom he couldn't get to leave) and swiveled around in his chair. Mokuba, unno-ticed, crept up beside him to watch.
"I'll read what they're saying. That okay?" the computer asked.
"No, just put the text on the screen." She obeyed, and Kaiba's eyes went wide as he saw the transcript.
Oh my God… Yeah, beautiful, ain't it? Even better than the principal's house last year… What's wrong, Yugi? Mai? Where's Anzu?
"IT'S THEM!!!" he shouted. "Ooh, they so better hope they booked a flight to Canada by now…"
"Oh yeah, Seto?" Mokuba piped up. "The mail came while the thingy was downloading, and I took a look at it already."
"Really."
"Yeah. It was mostly bills and stuff, but one was this…" He held out a postcard that read on the front "VANCOUVER BC, Wish You Were Here."
Kaiba took it and read the scribbles on the back. "They did book a flight to Canada?" he wondered aloud. "Well then, pack your bags, Mokuba. They wish we were there, so god damn it we're gonna be there!"
"Yippie!" Mokuba yelled with a grin.
"There goes the helicopter," Honda sighed. "It looks like we're gonna be safe after all."
"That's great, Honda," Yugi muttered, biting his lip. "But can you please stop standing on my hand now?"
It turns out Jou had set off an alarm or two as they'd been running, so they'd had to spend the night holed up at Yugi's place, which was closest. They were all out of their last night's costumes and wearing their normal clothes now, with one exception: Yugi didn't have the Puzzle with him. Now they were hiding in a tree just a few feet away from the wall, and Honda (who ironically was the only one who owned a pair of binoculars) was watching from the top. And standing on Yugi's hand.
"Oh, sorry," he said, and got off.
"I still think that was really mean of you," Anzu said reprovingly, not looking up from her reading.
"He deserved it," Jou and Yugi said at the same time.
Honda raised one eyebrow. "I could have sworn you were the most against it, Yugi."
"I was the most for - hey wait, are we talking about the same thing?"
"Chihuahua that, dumbass," Jou growled.
Anzu scowled. "I was talking about grounding Yami, actually." (At his grandson's request, Sugoroku had hidden the Puzzle someplace, and said grandson was in no hurry to find it.)
"He deserved it," Yugi repeated.
"Yeah, but Anzu's right. A whole week?" Honda asked.
Yugi sighed. "Try to put it in perspective. Eventually, Kaiba's going to realize we're not in Canada, and he's going to come back here and kill us all. (Well, except you Anzu, you weren't involved, but that's different.) Being grounded for a week pales in comparison, doesn't it?"
"That's true," Jou admitted. "Did he try to get us all killed for some specific reason?"
"I'd ask him but I'm not speaking to him," Yugi replied in an ambiguous tone. It was either nonchalance or amusement.
There were a few minutes in which the only sound was that of Anzu turning the pages of her book, and then Yugi spoke up. "Who wants to go out for ice cream?" Everyone chorused a "yeah!" and with that, they were off to Dairy Queen.
And in the darkness that was his abandoned soul room, Yami sulked. "Aw, nutbunnies."
~ * ~ * ~
Please, readers! Leave thine reviews!!! I have a second chapter coming, in which we get to torture Yami Bakura! But it will only appear online if you want it to! SO LET'S SEE THEM REVIEWS!!!
(o^.^o) The Artist Formerly Known As Ed, who likes to sign her masterpieces
Disclaimer: Unless my name is Kazuki Takahashi and nobody told me, which I doubt, I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh, and the only episode I have taped is pretty stupid. Thank God that WB got the new ones out, or else I'd be going insane... oh wait, I already have. Scratch that!
Happy Holidays
by TAFKAE
Chapter 1: Happy Halloween!
Jounouchi was standing two rungs down from the top of the ladder, and he still couldn't reach the roof. (Stupid safety rules - "always stay at least three rungs from the top," if that was true, he was pushing it already.) He and Honda had been decorating the latter's house, but he wondered if the place absolutely had to be this high-roofed. Honda had the cushy job of carving pumpkins.
Jou figured he could get away with one more rung.
"Hi, Jou!"
"GWAAAH!" As he jumped, the ladder toppled to the side, dragging its rule-breaking passenger along with it, and landing directly on top of him as well. "Ow… get the antiseptic…"
Honda ran out the front door. "Holy crap! Is it okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine…" Jou moaned. "Merely a flesh wound…"
"Not you, the ladder," Honda scolded, setting it back up. "Honestly, Jou, you're such a -" Then he noticed the cause of the disruption. "Oh, hey there Yugi. When did you get here?"
"Right before Jou fell off the ladder," Yugi said cheerfully, oblivious to the fact that it was his fault. "How're your costumes coming?"
"Perfect," Honda replied. Anzu had suggested that he and Jou go as Beavis and Butthead, and though Honda had thought (and still did) that it was a good idea, Jou had expressed violent opposition. Emphasis on violent. Honda had decided to go as James Bond instead.
"I would be finishing it up if Double-Oh-Seven here hadn't drafted me to deck out his house because he can't reach the roof," Jou spat, standing indignantly. "Though honestly I haven't been able to find enough gel to hold my hair up like I need."
"You can borrow some of mine," Yugi said almost instinctively. He had quite a bit at home - after all, he needed it to keep his hair the way he did.
"Borrowing implies returning," Honda pointed out.
"Have, then. But I don't think I can help you with the roof thing."
"No biggie. I think Anzu's got an extension ladder someplace," Jou said with a grin. "Have you decided what you're going as?"
Yugi was grinning just as much. "Yeah, but I'm keeping it a secret 'til tomorrow. It's really good, though!"
"Well, why'd ya come all the way out here?" Honda asked. His house was in a neighborhood fondly dubbed "the boondocks." "Can't be just to check on us… Ooh! We could have gone as the Three Stooges!"
Yugi laughed. "Naw, I just need some Wite-Out. I think Grandpa used the last of ours on the electric bill this month." For a moment Jou wondered if this had anything to do with the fact Yugi hadn't picked up the phone for a week, but he decided not to ask.
Honda reached into his coat pocket and rummaged around for a second before producing a small white plastic bottle, which he promptly tossed to Yugi. It bounced off his head and into the grass. "Oops."
Yugi picked it up. "Thanks. I'll bring over that gel later on, alright Jou?"
"Gotcha." Jou flashed his friend a thumbs-up. "Oh, and don't forget, Anzu's place tomorrow at eight!"
"Wouldn't miss it!" Yugi called, and with that, he was gone.
The next day at 8:14 PM…
Jou sighed. The trick-or-treaters were already out, and if Yugi didn't show up soon, they were gonna miss out on all the good candy!
Honda flipped through channel after channel of horror movies, finally settling on "The Twilight Zone" which seemed to be the closest thing to tolerable. Cable is overrated, he thought to himself. He was in a black suit and bowtie (probably borrowed from his dad) and had his hair slicked back. Very Bondy. And Bond was synonymous with "chick magnet."
Anzu flipped through her magazine for the fifth time. Where the heck is he? she wondered irritably. At a glance, it was hard to tell it was her, though despite the blue hair paint, she still looked rather Anzu-esque. Though after all this waiting, she was dang close to having the Bulma attitude to match her costume.
Jou's hair, thanks to a generous donation of gel from Yugi, flew out in every conceivable direction except forward, and so did his giant red coat. It didn't look as though it would be at all unfeasible to hide illegal aliens under it. The cardboard gun looked fake, but completed the Vash entourage nicely.
The doorbell rang for the fifth time that night, and Jou got up to answer it, cursing as he almost tripped over the coat. (How the heck did Vash do it?) As such he opened the door a little bit more harshly than he meant to. "Yeah, what?"
Oh God. Another trick-or-treating kid. "Hi!" he greeted, a bit too cheerfully to be #17, but the rest of the costume fit down to the letter. Except the backpack.
"We don't have any candy," Jou groaned, starting to shut the door.
The kid stuck his hand in it. "Jou, it's me!" he half-whined, half-laughed.
Jou reopened the door. "…Yugi?"
Yugi nodded vigorously. Come to think of it, Jou thought, noticing the bright yellow streaks through his friend's hair. Those things had to be dang hard to hide - no wonder he kind of flaunted them the rest of the time. "Oh my God," he said with a grin. "Come on in!"
Honda fell off the sofa he was sprawled over when Yugi entered. "Holy crap, Yugi, is that you?!"
"What?" Yugi asked innocently, noticing everyone staring at him. "I don't look that different, do I?"
"Hell yeah," Honda and Jou said in unison.
"Oh, man," Anzu breathed. "I've never seen you with your hair all… you know… normal! But what possessed you to go as Juunanagou? He's not even your favorite," she added. (This was true; his favorite characters were Goten and Puar.)
"It was Yami's idea," Yugi smiled, twirling the giant scarf around his finger enough that they could see the Puzzle hidden underneath. "Oh, and speaking of him…" He held up one finger. "He got into either the pocky or the Pixy Stix, or maybe both, and now he's really hyper, so I might not really be into this tonight."
Silence. Everyone shot him an odd look. "What?" he asked defensively.
"How can one of you be on a sugar high and not the other?" Honda ventured.
Yugi shrugged. "I have no idea, but that's how it's going, so there you are…"
Jou scratched his head. "I don't have a clue what you just said…"
"How very Vash of you," Anzu said flatly. "Now, what say we get out there and get our candy before those brats down the street do?"
Yugi grinned. "Sounds good to me!"
As they went out the door, Jou could be heard muttering something about "oh yeah, get BOTH of them on sugar-highs… can we spell Pietro Maximoff?!"
Two full hours and several full candy bags later…
They were exhausted. Anzu and Yugi, that is. Honda and Jou had started on their candy and were now singing the theme from "Little Shop of Horrors."
"They're starting to scare me almost as much as Yami is…" Yugi muttered, not sure if Anzu heard him or not, and not really caring any. Anzu wondered how Yami could be scaring him more than Honda and Jou.
They walked in silence for a few more minutes, on their way back to Anzu's house. Anzu and Yugi, that is. Honda and Jou really didn't care if they were going anywhere so long as they had their candy, and they were most certainly not silent. Suddenly, and seemingly totally unprovoked, Yugi shouted, "NO, GOD DAMN IT, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT ROLLING HIS HOUSE!!!"
Everyone stopped and stared at him. Yugi looked around. "Did I say that out loud?"
"Oh, you kids," a familiar voice said from behind them. "You shouldn't be yelling like that. Whatever would the neighbors think?"
They all turned. She was wearing a tight two-piece pinstripe suit, with no shirt under the jacket (much to Jou's satisfaction), a tommy-gun hoisted over one shoulder, and a nice gangster hat with lots of wavy golden hair underneath.
Lots of wavy golden hair.
Yugi blinked. "Mai?"
The woman pushed the brim of her hat up with the barrel of the gun, revealing that yes, it was indeed Mai. "What? How do you…?"
"Oh my gosh, Mai, I had no idea you lived in this neighborhood," Anzu said in a perfectly level tone that revealed she wasn't at all thrilled.
"Or this city for that matter," Jou added, unable to take his eyes off her chest.
She recognized his voice. "It's YOU! You of all people!"
"Is that a real gun?" Honda asked eagerly.
"Why, yes," Mai replied proudly and proceeded to pump a nearby tree full of lead. Everyone stopped and gaped, except Yugi, who seemed to have spaced out. A few seconds passed following the demonstration, then she leaned over (Jou found himself grinning) and tapped Yugi on the head with the side of the barrel. "Why'd you bring Kaiba's brother? I thought he was old enough to go on his own now."
"It's Yugi," Jou corrected. "With his hair down," he added.
"Yugi's hair can go down?" Mai asked in disbelief. It had never occurred to her that maybe it could. She didn't know where she'd gotten the idea that it couldn't, though; hers required a considerable amount of hairspray to stay up, and that was the bangs alone. Not waiting for a response, she continued. "Where're you four off to? Finished the rounds?"
"We're going on back to Anzu's house," Honda explained. "You wanna come with? We've got more chips than we can eat and more horror movies than we can watch."
Mai sighed. "…Do you have 'The Poltergeist'?" she said at last. Honda nodded vigorously. "Well then…" She hoisted the gun over her shoulder again. "I guess there are some things little girls never grow out of. Count me in."
Jou tapped Yugi on the shoulder. "You comin'?"
Yugi jumped and looked up. "Yeah, of course!" He grinned that cute grin of his and followed along.
[A minute or so earlier…]
NO, GOD DAMN IT, AND FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT ROLLING HIS HOUSE!!!
The yell was almost as loud outside as it was in. Yami had just asked for a Creme Saver. <All right, all right, chill out. And I didn't ask about rolling his house.>
You were about to.
<That's true. But I didn't!> Yami sighed. <And besides, how the heck is he gonna recognize us?>
So THAT'S why you chose this costume!
<That, and Juunanagou is my favorite character. Reminds me of me.>
Either way, we're not doing it. And I'm taking it upon myself to make sure you NEVER have sugar again. Or caffeine, for that matter. That'd probably be even worse!
Yami sighed again. <All right, all right. I'll just eat chips and watch the Poltergeist…> Then he got an evil idea. <Or make YOU watch it.>
You wouldn't!
<Watch me.>
It's reason enough to take the Puzzle apart.
Yami jumped. <You dork.>
If that's the best you can come up with, you're definitely never having sugar again.
<All right… fine…> Yami shrugged in resignation. <You win. I'll be good.>
Good. Now that we've gotten that settled, let's go back.
Jou tapped Yugi on the shoulder. "You comin'?"
Yugi jumped and looked up. "Yeah, of course!" He grinned that cute grin of his and followed along.
They'd gotten maybe halfway back to Anzu's house when Yugi started to feel something out of the Puzzle that he'd never felt before, and didn't know what it was until he heard Yami's voice, a little fast and almost gleeful. <I didn't want to do this, little buddy, but you've left me with no choice.>
Outside, Yugi stumbled for a second, almost falling over forwards if not for Jou catching him. Jou only had to take one look at the slightly deranged grin on his face to get an idea of what happened. "What the heck did you do?" he asked as Yami stood.
"He's fine," Yami reassured him.
Mai was confused. "Who's that 'he' he's talking about?"
"It's a very long story that none of us fully understands," Anzu sighed, grabbing at Yami's candy bag. "Would you just let it go?" she asked him frustratedly.
Yami was already stuffing his face with chocolate. "Holy God this stuff is good," he mumbled.
Now Mai was really confused. A second ago, Yugi had seemed calm and collected, and now he was a raving sugar-crazed psychopath. And… was he taller than he'd been before? She shook the idea out of her head. That was ridiculous. Taller, sheesh.
Yami suddenly sat down on the ground and yanked off his backpack, then started rummaging around inside. "Ohoho-hoho. Guys, we're not going back to Anzu's house just yet."
"Oh, good Lord. Where *are* we going then?" Honda muttered.
No answer. Yami was still looking for… whatever he was looking for in his backpack. It sounded like glass breaking, a balloon popping, and a cat screeching, but finally he produced it unharmed, leaving no explanation behind the sounds. A roll of toilet paper.
Jou started jumping up and down. "All RIGHT! So who're we doing this time, huh? Who're we doing this time?"
Yami grinned evilly and pointed to the south. There was a hill. And on that hill was…
"The Kaiba mansion?!" Mai shouted. "You've gotta be kidding!"
Yami glared at her. "I do not kid. Ever."
Anzu wasn't going to accept without offering her two bits. "I'm not going to be a part of this. Not only will we get in an incredible amount of trouble, but it's also REALLY childish and immature!"
"That was redundant." He pulled another roll out and tossed it to Honda, who looked almost as excited as Jou.
"I'm above that. And I'm going home!"
"Suit yourself." He rifled through the pack a little more before pulling out a third roll of TP, causing Mai to start wondering where the heck he kept it all. "What about you, Mai?" he asked before popping a miniature Three Musketeers bar into his mouth.
Mai looked at him quizzically. She didn't know what Yugi was up to, but whatever it was, this just wasn't how she remembered him from the Duelist Kingdom. He'd been a sweet little kid who could cry at almost anything, and understood exactly what was going on even when no one else did. And he'd always been nice to everyone. That wasn't the guy she was looking at now. It was probably the guy she'd been looking at five minutes ago. And come to think of it… his voice was different, too. It was uncanny. And weird.
But what could have brought on such a drastic change in such an incredibly short time? she wondered.
Well, at any rate, Kaiba was a big jerk, though he could probably be attractive if he'd just do something with his hair. "All right then," she said with a smile as she took the roll from his hands. "That's another thing little girls never grow out of."
And without further ado, the evil quartet started toward Seto Kaiba's house.
"WHAT are you telling me to do?!" Mai almost screamed.
"Just go up and flirt with the guards long enough for us to sneak over the wall. Then we'll knock 'em out and let you in," Yami explained.
"How exactly are we gonna do that?" Honda asked. "They've got guns, for God's sake!"
Yami got that evil smirk on his face again. "Just leave everything to me…"
Jou shuddered. "You know, you scare me when you smile like that."
Yami just downed a couple Pixy Stix in reply.
"Oh boys…" Mai put on her best seductress face and strutted closer to them. Damn… of all the nights to wear pumps. Honda had taken the tommy-gun (they didn't trust Yami with anything more dangerous than string, and they were gonna keep the string away from Jou), and they were all ready to climb the kudzu and hop the wall.
The guards looked at her all right. And her half-open jacket. And turned bright red. "Uh, yes ma'am?" one of them asked.
"I was wondering if you big boys could help me out," she crooned. "See, I think there's something on my shirt…"
She'd quickly moved around to the other side of the guards, getting them to look the other way. "Now! Move!" Honda hissed. With no further sound, they hopped onto the wall and across, then Honda headed for the gate while Yami crawled down the wall until he was right behind the guards. Jou made a sound reminiscent of a croak.
"Uh… guys?" he whispered.
Honda turned around. Jou's coat had caught on a rock at the top of the wall and, though Honda felt sincerely sorry for him, he knew he couldn't help him get down yet. "Just a sec, Jou…" he murmured.
Yami sat cross-legged on the wall next to the gate, deciding he'd watch where Mai's conversation with the guards went, when he felt his aibou stir. What happened?
<I'm not done. Go back to sleep.> With that, he knocked him out again. Dang… Yugi had come out of it faster than he'd thought he would… he'd have to stop prolonging this and get it over with. Which, in his sugar-frenzied mind, was one of the worst bummers in recorded history. Oh well. He sighed, then cleared his throat loudly. "Hello down there…"
"What the hell -" one of them started as he turned around, but Yami already had his hand up and facing them. Mai wasn't sure what he was about to do, but she was sure she didn't want to be in the way when he did it. Effortlessly, he engaged his famous (at least to us) mindcrush, and the two stock guards fell to the ground, unconscious.
Honda winced as he watched. He couldn't recall ever seeing it from this close up, but it looked pretty painful.
Mai was almost in shock. "What the hell did you just do?!" she demanded.
Yami popped a Tootsie Roll in his mouth. They were even better, he'd learned, when you let them melt a little in your pocket before eating them. Not to mention they kept you from having to answer awkward questions.
Jou squawked slightly. "Guys - a little help here -"
Honda walked back over and rolled up his suit sleeve a little bit, revealing a watch that looked remarkably like a Rolex (though it wasn't). After a second of moving his wrist around, he fired it, blowing the whole dang stone to bits and sending Jou sprawling to the ground.
With remarkable agility, Yami rolled off the back of the wall and landed softly on his feet as Mai climbed it and hopped delicately to the other side. "Where did you get that?" the former asked, thoroughly interested.
"I'm a member of the Official James Bond Fan Club," Honda replied proudly. "It was in the welcome packet."
"Sugoi…" Honda jerked it away as Yami tried to touch it. "Aw, come on. Why can't I play with it?"
"Because in the state you're in, I wouldn't trust you with anything more dangerous than finger paint."
Yami sighed dejectedly. "Oh, fine… You win…"
"He said it!" Jou almost shrieked. "Oh my God, he said it!" He turned on Honda. "You owe me fifty bucks!"
"What?" the other three asked at the same time in varying tones.
"Said what?" Yami and Mai asked.
"You still remember that?" Honda grumbled.
"We made a bet," Jou explained with a grin. "If Yami Yugi ever says 'You win,' of his own free will, Honda has to pay me fifty bucks."
"I didn't think he'd ever say it," Honda sighed, reaching into his pocket. "I'm a little short on cash… you can hold out till tomorrow, right?"
"Yami Yugi?" Mai asked, fully confused beyond belief. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"It's a very long story that none of us fully understands," Jou replied.
Yami raised his hand. "I understand it."
Honda and Jou promptly smacked him over the head. "No you don't, and neither does anyone else," Honda said reprovingly. Yami just scowled and rubbed his head. Jou made a mental note of how far different he was when he was on sugar.
"Anyway, we got a job to do," Honda continued, hefting his roll of toilet paper. "Jou, you -"
"Last I checked, Honda, I was in charge here," Yami said indignantly, then pointed to the side. "Jou, you and…" He was about to say Honda, but hey, why just be evil to Kaiba when you can be evil to your friends in the process? "You and Mai take the back of the house; me and Honda will get the front." He pulled a jumbo-size pack of TP rolls out of his backpack (Mai's eyes widened considerably, but apparently Jou and Honda were too excited to care, though for different reasons) and tossed it to Jou. "Leave no tree un-rolled!"
Jou saluted. "Aye aye, cap'n!" Before Mai could object (and almost before she could grab her tommy-gun) he grabbed her by the wrist and headed around toward the back of the massive grounds of the Kaiba mansion, laughing and singing gleefully as he went.
For a moment, there was silence out front, in which Yami just stood with an almost wistful quality on his face (though he was still smirking) and Honda just stared in disbelief. Finally, he turned to his smaller friend and said, "You are evil in its purest form, you know that?"
"One hundred percent natural spring water," Yami replied happily, popping a mini Snickers in his mouth. "And like you said…" He pulled out ANOTHER jumbo-size pack of TP rolls. "We got a job to do."
"Do you have a hammerspace portal in there?" Honda asked, gesturing at the backpack.
"Only on Halloween. Now shut up and start rolling."
Another two full hours later…
Yami sat on the wall right next to the gate, where he'd knocked out the guards a while earlier. Honda was standing nearby, watching for Jou and Mai, who (much to Yami's sugary, psychopathic amusement) hadn't yet returned. "Where the heck are they?" Honda wondered aloud.
He heard a small chuckle from the wall next to him, and wondered briefly if maybe Yami did know more than he was letting on. He also heard a munching sound, and decided not to ask him to share.
Just then, Jou and Mai emerged and started running across the walk as quietly as they could, though that didn't say much; after all, Jou was wearing big clunker Vash boots and Mai was wearing pumps. "Got back as soon as we finished," Jou panted as they arrived near the other two.
"Took ya long enough," Yami replied, with a more-than-slightly deranged grin on his face. "You guys weren't fooling around or anything, were you?" He let out a yelp as the butt of Mai's tommy-gun connected with his head.
"Pervert!" she shouted, then turned to Honda. "Is he always like this?"
"No, this is the first time I've seen it," Honda replied, shrugging.
Yami was rubbing his head when suddenly, his face screwed up a little, and he rubbed the bridge of his nose as though he was starting to get a migraine. "Oh, crap."
"What?" Jou asked. "You okay?"
"He's just coming into the sugar crash," Honda suggested.
Yami shook his head. "No, that's not it - he's waking up - and man is he gonna be mad -"
Mai looked toward the house, assuming Yami was referring to Kaiba. "I can imagine…" But then… how the heck could he tell? Hmm… after what he'd done to the guards, Mai just wasn't sure what this kid was anymore. Or if he was even human.
And suddenly, Yami wasn't there anymore, and in his place was the cute little kid with big eyes, who didn't have a clue what his other had just done… yet. He blinked a few times, realizing it was still Halloween night, and he was at Kaiba's house without a clue how he'd gotten there, and the house, lawn, trees, flowers, and a couple of topiaries were all covered in toilet paper. His already huge eyes got wider as he realized what had just happened, and he fell to his knees, staring in shock at the roll-job of the century. "Oh my God…"
"Yeah, beautiful, ain't it?" Jou asked wistfully. "Even better than the principal's house last year…"
Mai noticed him, though. Something was different about Yugi… he seemed smaller and less sprawling than before, and he wasn't reveling in what he'd have called a masterpiece just seconds ago… "What's wrong, Yugi?" she asked.
He looked up. "Mai?" Come to think of it, he did vaguely remember meeting up with her on their way back to Anzu's house… Anzu. "Where's Anzu?"
"She went home," Honda said simply. "Said she was above rolling Kaiba's house even though there's no way in hell he'd see any of us…" Yami had been right. Little Yugi was awake, and he did not like what he found.
Jou didn't notice, spreading his arms out to the sky. "This has got to be the biggest house to have ever been TP'd in recorded history!" He sighed. "I am proud."
"You do realize how bad of an idea this was, don't you?" Yugi asked both his friends and his still-hyper yami. "Don't you?!"
"I don't see why. Nobody saw us," Mai pointed out.
Yugi paused, then pointed to a corner of the wall. "Except that." Another one. "And that." And another. "And that."
Jou, Honda, and Mai followed his gestures with their eyes, straining to see in the darkness, but they all noticed at almost exactly the same time. "Oh ####!" Jou shouted.
Honda jumped backward. "He's got -"
"- security cameras!" Mai wailed.
There was a momentary pause inside. <Damn. Forgot about those.>
"What're we gonna do?" Jou babbled, rushing around the other three in circles. "Whatrewegonnadowhatrewegonnadowhatrewegonnado?!?!?"
Yugi sighed. "As far as I can tell, our best chance for survival is booking a flight to Canada by sunrise."
Honda and Jou were already scaling the wall. Yugi followed, waving his legs around chibily as he attempted to get them over the top. Mai managed to grab one of his feet and give him a boost, which surprised him and caused him to fall on his head on the other side. She herself came over last.
There was a short pause, and then Jou asked the question that was on everyone's mind…
"Where's Canada?"
Well, maybe not everyone's, but it was sure on his.
Kaiba woke up later than usual the next morning. Mokuba had been pestering him nonstop the night before, but he'd managed to pull the boy home by quarter to ten. It had been no easy task. Mokuba's puppy-eyes were rivaled only by Yugi's.
He sighed as he poured himself a big cup of coffee and started looking for the remote. His early news show (pretty much the only show he watched of his own free will, besides Letterman) had started ten minutes ago. Finally, he found it and clicked on the TV in his bedroom just in time to hear:
"And, in local news… It's being called 'the biggest TP job in recorded history,' and it's right in our hometown! That's right, last night the entire premises of the Kaiba mansion were covered in -"
It was at that exact moment that he accidentally sprayed the coffee all over the room. He ran to a window and looked out over his front lawn. Then:
"HOLY ####!!!"
He didn't know his window was halfway open. The TV voices paused for a second, and then piped up again. "Well, it looks like Seto Kaiba's just discovered the state of his house…"
Kaiba went on, oblivious. "Whoever did this is gonna die a very slow and painful death." As an afterthought, he added, "And the buffoons who're supposed to be my security team are all fired."
Just then Mokuba popped in, sporting a very happy grin. "Hey Seto, didja see what somebody did to our house? Isn't it funny?"
"No."
Mokuba ignored him. "Oh, and they said on the innernet that two of the guards think they're Twizzlers…"
Kaiba narrowed his eyes. "When were you on the internet? What have I told you about sneaking downstairs late at night, Mokuba?" The tone was dangerous at best.
"Uhh… don't do it?"
"Yes, Mokuba…" he hissed. "But what I wonder is, what else were you doing late last night?"
Mokuba's face twisted up. "EEEEEWWWWW!"
Kaiba jumped. "Damn it, that didn't come out right at all!" He bent over and poked his little brother in the chest. "What I mean is, I don't know who rolled our house… but I'm going to find out!"
"How?" the boy asked innocently.
He smirked. "My computer and the security camera feeds will tell me."
Mokuba jumped almost exactly like his big brother had done seconds before. "Uhh, there's no need to do that! The computer wouldn't know, would she?"
"Oh, yes she would," Kaiba seethed, and with that headed down towards his favorite room, the one where he spent most of his time… the computer room. Not, of course, without Mokuba trying to pull him back by his trenchcoat the whole way, grabbing onto and probably breaking everything he could land one hand on. (He'd crashed in his clothes last night, out of sheer exhaustion. Hey, if you'd been toting a sugar-high Mokuba around town for several straight hours, you would too.)
He finally reached the room and entered, typing his password into the computer. It rejected it. "Damn it…" He tried typing another one. It was wrong too. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"It's 'Pegasus is a big fat one-eyed loser'," Mokuba said simply. "With underscores between the words. And loser has a capital L."
Kaiba eyed him suspiciously for a second, then typed it in. It was accepted. "How did you -?"
"I watched you a couple times," Mokuba replied, smiling nervously. Kaiba made a mental note to change his password. And to something a bit less obvious.
The computer decided to speak up as he put on the little headset thingy. "Hey Kaiba, have you heard the news? There was a break-in on the property last night!"
"Access the payroll for the security people," he returned sharply, and when it lit up the screen, he continued. "Good. Now fire them all. And get a want ad in the paper," he added.
"Bossy, bossy, bossy," the computer sighed, but did it anyway.
"Now show me the footage the security cameras caught." She did. It was no good, really; they were all in costume and he only recognized one of them. "Is that Mai?" he wondered aloud. There was also a Vash and a James Bond, and a #17…
He suddenly glared at his brother. "Look at that… a Juunanagou about your height…" Guess who Mokuba had gone as.
Said brother's eyes went wide. "It wasn't me, niisan! I swear, it wasn't me!"
"Yeah, right…"
"It's true, Kaiba," the computer piped up. "He was playing Neverwinter Nights on me all night long."
"So…" He leaned back in his chair and rubbed his chin, Mokuba breathing a sigh of relief. "Then who are they? Give me an audio."
"I don't have one."
"Say what?!"
"The new security cameras you had installed didn't come with audio features. It's not my fault."
"Like hell it's not. You've gotta have a lip-reading program in there someplace."
There was a brief pause. "No, actually I don't. But I'm sure there's one on the internet. You can always find what you're looking for on the internet."
"There's eight billion web pages out there, and even Google only has 3 billion indexed. How do you expect to find anything?" He sighed and waved one hand. "Well, look, anyway…"
"I happen to have every search engine out there cross-referenced enough that I can access everything," the computer replied indignantly. "And if you're going to be so bossy about it, I don't think I will look."
Kaiba bent down and fingered her main power cord. "Aw, what a shame. Does that mean I'll have to pull this?"
"I was just joking…"
A few hours later…
"Got it!"
"Finally." Kaiba made a mental note to get a DSL line someday soon. Dial-up just didn't cut it anymore. He clicked off the TV (with a small protest from Mokuba, whom he couldn't get to leave) and swiveled around in his chair. Mokuba, unno-ticed, crept up beside him to watch.
"I'll read what they're saying. That okay?" the computer asked.
"No, just put the text on the screen." She obeyed, and Kaiba's eyes went wide as he saw the transcript.
Oh my God… Yeah, beautiful, ain't it? Even better than the principal's house last year… What's wrong, Yugi? Mai? Where's Anzu?
"IT'S THEM!!!" he shouted. "Ooh, they so better hope they booked a flight to Canada by now…"
"Oh yeah, Seto?" Mokuba piped up. "The mail came while the thingy was downloading, and I took a look at it already."
"Really."
"Yeah. It was mostly bills and stuff, but one was this…" He held out a postcard that read on the front "VANCOUVER BC, Wish You Were Here."
Kaiba took it and read the scribbles on the back. "They did book a flight to Canada?" he wondered aloud. "Well then, pack your bags, Mokuba. They wish we were there, so god damn it we're gonna be there!"
"Yippie!" Mokuba yelled with a grin.
"There goes the helicopter," Honda sighed. "It looks like we're gonna be safe after all."
"That's great, Honda," Yugi muttered, biting his lip. "But can you please stop standing on my hand now?"
It turns out Jou had set off an alarm or two as they'd been running, so they'd had to spend the night holed up at Yugi's place, which was closest. They were all out of their last night's costumes and wearing their normal clothes now, with one exception: Yugi didn't have the Puzzle with him. Now they were hiding in a tree just a few feet away from the wall, and Honda (who ironically was the only one who owned a pair of binoculars) was watching from the top. And standing on Yugi's hand.
"Oh, sorry," he said, and got off.
"I still think that was really mean of you," Anzu said reprovingly, not looking up from her reading.
"He deserved it," Jou and Yugi said at the same time.
Honda raised one eyebrow. "I could have sworn you were the most against it, Yugi."
"I was the most for - hey wait, are we talking about the same thing?"
"Chihuahua that, dumbass," Jou growled.
Anzu scowled. "I was talking about grounding Yami, actually." (At his grandson's request, Sugoroku had hidden the Puzzle someplace, and said grandson was in no hurry to find it.)
"He deserved it," Yugi repeated.
"Yeah, but Anzu's right. A whole week?" Honda asked.
Yugi sighed. "Try to put it in perspective. Eventually, Kaiba's going to realize we're not in Canada, and he's going to come back here and kill us all. (Well, except you Anzu, you weren't involved, but that's different.) Being grounded for a week pales in comparison, doesn't it?"
"That's true," Jou admitted. "Did he try to get us all killed for some specific reason?"
"I'd ask him but I'm not speaking to him," Yugi replied in an ambiguous tone. It was either nonchalance or amusement.
There were a few minutes in which the only sound was that of Anzu turning the pages of her book, and then Yugi spoke up. "Who wants to go out for ice cream?" Everyone chorused a "yeah!" and with that, they were off to Dairy Queen.
And in the darkness that was his abandoned soul room, Yami sulked. "Aw, nutbunnies."
~ * ~ * ~
Please, readers! Leave thine reviews!!! I have a second chapter coming, in which we get to torture Yami Bakura! But it will only appear online if you want it to! SO LET'S SEE THEM REVIEWS!!!
(o^.^o) The Artist Formerly Known As Ed, who likes to sign her masterpieces