(A/N): Hmm, just read on. The author notes at the end will explain things.
Disclaimer: What DO I own?
Genre: Angst/ General
Rating: K+… for one use of language at the end.
…Enjoy…
"Through an illusion"
Smile verb
To show you are happy or amused by widening your mouth and turning it up at the corners.
I close my eyes in what would seem sadly, and then angrily glare at the offensive book in front of me. I murmur a few words even I could not decode and almost suddenly throw the dictionary towards a wall, the instant contact shattering the silence of that night.
I… do not smile. If you have ever seen my lips tug in a way which would make you think I was happy, then you do not know me to say that I was SMILING. I lost the ability to a few years ago, the reason hidden deep in my heart and in a locked chest, a chest I wasn't bothered to even try opening.
I am in my teenage years, the time in life where people say that it's supposed to be the best period of my life, full of fun and surprises. Apparently, the saying did not include the likes of me, not even a fragment.
But despite all the troubles I have had, I manage to walk on, caring for people and disregarding myself. I don't even know the reason why myself, maybe because one day, someone will find that I am an interesting person, someone worth looking at and socializing with. That sounded very ironic, I'm sorry, but I don't think that day will ever come… EVER.
Walking through the corridors of school, wondering how people moved on and how they were freely able to smile. Something I hadn't been able to do in such a long period of time. I'm nothing but a fake. I rarely laugh except if the situation was really funny, but still… when I do, it's just a laugh because of something humorous, not because I feel light hearted or cheerful, because if that ever happened… it would be nothing but a FAKE.
I blame myself. I blame myself for being so weak, for being so ill willed. I have no confidence, none at all. And if I did, it would usually be because it involved a friend. I would do anything for a friend, but for myself? Impossible. I was THAT weak. I can't be ashamed of myself any longer. I have already experienced doing so for awhile, making me nothing but depressed. Not that I currently am not.
I have no idea how I turned out this way. I used to be bright, shy yet extremely vivid, doing nothing but smiling and laughing with those around me. Yet something made me change, something made me crawl into a shell and lock myself from humanity and I mean it. I figured it was my memories, something I held ever so dearly to me, and even now, I refuse to let go, refuse to just forget for my mere satisfaction.
Pathetic huh? They were just memories… why was it so hard to just… forget? But every time I ask myself that question, I answer it myself almost too quickly, my brain making a quick U-turn… It was because they were just too important, and I could never neglect nor ignore something dear to me. NEVER.
I sigh into the cold winter air, my warm breath making a tiny cloud of fog a few inches away from my face.
Things… were different now. I would still be kind, I always was, and I like being so. I also still like the company of others, never turning cold or bitter towards my friends. I appreciated their concern, really. It just made me feel worse, that I would be so down and I wasn't even completely alone. But I guess that's just me, sensitive.
My memories? They are something I would like to keep for myself… maybe just one day I'll end up saying them… just MAYBE.
The people around me; some can see through me while others can't. The person I thought who would be able to immediately tell if I was faking or not, was fooled. She thought I was happy, she thought I was smiling but I wasn't.
It's nice to know that a couple or so people out there are able to see through my make shift illusion of happiness. It really is. But what I was waiting for, was for the someone who would finally be able to brake my shell, to brake the barrier and see my true self, see my sadness and all that was with it. Whatever the person's reason may be, I just wanted him/her to do so, and then when that happens, if it's not asking for too much, for this person to see me smile, not those fake 'things' I did every single day at school, no. A real smile which would warm my own heart, something I desperately needed. But that day shall never come, to my own disappointment.
When people smile at me, I feel happiness reaching my insides. But the moment it tries to reach my heart, it gets pushed away by that fake illusion. Funny. The first time I fell for someone was because of such an action. A smile. But now, I can barely survive watching random people smiling… very amusing.
I was told that I was weak, and instead of feeling hurt, my heart approved instantly, no sense of restraint holding it back. Of course, still trying out my efforts in being strong, I deny, my mouth forming its own words without my mind co operating. How feeble.
Wrapping my arms around my medium sized body, I feel wetness traveling down my cheeks. I ignore it, knowing that it was definitely tears. An action I was so very used to that I considered it the same as breathing. I curse myself, accusing my own soul for being so weak and useless. I wanted to be an important person; I wanted to make someone smile. But all I seemed to be doing was making them worried about me, which I DID NOT want. I don't want them worrying over something futile. Well, at least I know one thing that isn't fake in me… Crying. I know that that was without a doubt… real.
I smile idiotically towards the half formed moon ahead of my window, my forehead resting on the cool glass.
I was happy for my cousin. He would be so depressed at times, always talking about destiny and what not, saying things of him being a 'caged bird'. But guess what? He was able to unlock the cage, with his own will and was able to fly, to live life like all humans should.
I on the other hand, was born free. Was born with fate and destiny in my own hands. But being an ironic person, I was also born with something else, something I realized later in my years. I had broken wings. No, I was never caged, but I never had the ability to fly. For a few years I was able to cope with the fact. I used my legs instead; I would walk, yet stumble from time to time, depression easily taking over me. Yet my cousin would come flying down, helping me up then leaving once again to wander the vast sky. Lucky.
But now, I stay put, not even trying to flap my wings, not even trying to move a leg. What kind of spirit do I have? Understatement… I don't.
Sleep overtakes my tired body, my window still open from a few minutes ago when I decided that I needed fresh air. My heavy eyelids win against my force to stay awake awhile longer.
As I close my eyes, I hear my name being called from a very far distance; it sounded like it was coming from out the window. I couldn't distinguish who it belonged to, let alone decide whether or not it was a familiar voice.
Sleep overpowers me, my body resting into the mattress as my thoughts end.
One day, I want to find you… maybe you will be able to do it… to make me smile for real... whoever you are.
(A/N): I bet all of you have the same thing in your minds… 'WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?' Ah well, it's what I call emotions. Feelings that need to be free for awhile. At least a moment. Let me tell you that I placed myself here, all is true, not that you know me… but yes. I shouldn't even be saying this, but who cares? The only thing that I connected to the story so that it may sound Naruto-ish was the 'cousin' part. Of course, talking about Neji, who else?
Yeah, a part of my biography… WOW.
Anyways, I shall remind you that this is based on me, so please watch your reviews, not that it will affect me much but still… I'm not doing well.
I have continued to write "The secrets of Uzumaki"… A Sasuhina fanfic for those who don't know. Please be patient for the next chapter, which should be 5.
Take care