Quick note before this gets started: This is a remaster of a story I originally uploaded to Quotev. I wasn't exactly the proudest of it when it came out, I wasn't confident in it, either. But this remaster is too good to put there.
Also, this is the beginning of a little compilation, all of remasters of stories that I had on the backlog forever. Except, I lost access to all of them minus this one, so the rest are just from how I remember them. ANYWAYS, ENOUGH CHATTER! Here ya go:
Freddi looked at herself in the mirror. Brown hair, blue eyes, mask of happiness over her severe depression, everything was the same. She guessed the only thing that was different was that she'd sent such a deeply personal voicemail to her best friend, Bonny.
Bonny was a lovely girl of eighteen, her short, blue hair probably being the first thing people would notice about her. The next thing would either be her eyes, which were an odd red pigmentation, or her personality. She cared so much for her friends, and would give up a lot of things for their sake. Especially her time. That's one Freddi found herself taking a lot.
She sighed, knowing that the message she'd sent to her had been a request to take more of her time, because her boyfriend, Chris, was taking Bonny's attention away from her. She felt really bad because of it, but she knew she couldn't handle things herself.
I'm such an asshole, Freddi thought to herself. Can't leave your best fucking friend alone for so much as a couple months without having some sort of mental breakdown, eh girl?
She was essentially trying to mentally communicate with her reflection. She didn't understand her problem, but all she knew was the Bonny was the only one who could fix it. For that, she'd fallen in love with the blue-haired guitarist.
That message contained her tones and worries of being alone, about how she felt like Chris was ripping Bonny away from her. She herself had to dig deeply into her own psyche in order to really convey everything. No mention of Freddi's little crush she'd developed after all this time, but that didn't matter.
She could feel her sanity deteriorating, and she wanted to push out a final call for help. Or maybe it was some sort of record of what she was just before she hit the brink of insanity. But she wasn't always this way. There was a time when her emotions were stable, and she wanted to go back to before insanity started to infect her mind and destroy her from the inside.
Freddi was grabbing her math book from her locker, in anticipation of her next period. She shuffled around, looking for another pencil case with unsharpened pencils. She was down to the last few pencils in the case she carried around in her binder, so she needed new ones.
She finally managed to land her hand on one, fixating it in her binder without taking the one she had out. No real time for that. She shut the metal door with a loud clang, as she was greeted by her best friend, Bonny.
The blue-haired girly had slyly hidden just behind the open locker door, and with her surprise "Hello," Freddi almost jumped out of her skin, dropping her things.
Bonny couldn't help but chuckle at this, as she enjoyed startling the poor brunette now and again. But her laughter only made Freddi begin to subtly gawk at her friend. She'd developed a silent crush for the girl over the past two years, feeling weird on her sixteenth birthday especially. That was around the time she realised her feelings. Now, it was soon up on her eighteenth birthday, but that wasn't until after prom, three months from now.
However, she'd spoken no words to the wonder of her world, feeling a great fear in losing the girl's friendship, something she essentially depended on. Yeah, she could be independent, that's how she got the boyfriend she'd recently dumped in the first place.
He wasn't her type to begin with, and was very understanding to what she'd presented to him. He probably went easy on her, knowing that he'd guilt trip her beyond infinity if he broke down. Maybe he didn't care to begin with, she didn't really know.
But as the girl before her stopped laughing, Freddi bent down to pick her books up, initiating conversation.
"Was it worth it?" she said with a monotone, somewhat bitter voice.
"Yeah, kinda," Bonny replied, chipper as always, "but what's with you?"
Bonny had that smug grin painted to her lips that only she had ever been able to pull off. She was leaned against the lockers with her hand above her head in that cocky "I'm the cool kid" way. It drove Freddi mad knowing she couldn't have her.
"I dunno," Freddi sighed, "just been kinda blue lately, I suppose. Don't really know why, couldn't tell ya if I tried."
"I'm stealing that last sentence and using it as a lyric in the future, just so you know."
"That's okay with me. Anyways, I gotta go to math, see you at lunch."
"See you, I guess...?"
Bonny stood confused, as that ended up as one of the shortest interactions she'd ever had with Freddi. There was something up with the brunette, but she dare not question it. She knew poor ole' Fred got really defensive and insecure.
Freddi's mind was running rampant with many thoughts, wondering if her little lies had worked at all for her. She knew exactly why she felt bitter and depressed, but she wouldn't show it. Especially not when the subject matter was so sensitive, she'd have to dig around the truth as though she were an anthropologist trying to dig up bones.
She brushed her hair out of her eyes as she picked up the pace, holding her book and binder under her right arm instead of out in front of her. She just wanted to be in class already, so she could start drawing to take her mind off of things. She hated having to think.
Especially when Bonny was involved, because all she ever thought about was how much she wanted their lips to meet. About how she wanted some sort of fancy, long-term relationship she knew would never be possible. Her unstable emotions would eventually tear the two apart, even if she got her chance.
Not to mention Chris, Bonny's boyfriend, was still in the picture. He seemed almost perfect for Bonny, and Freddi wasn't about to come between that. But she couldn't deny how much she wanted to.
She finally got to class after what felt like an eternity walking. She sat down in her normal spot, the back right corner of the class, and set her things down. She grabbed a pencil from the case in her binder and a sheet of paper, beginning to mindlessly doodle until the late bell rang. She completely lost track of what her pencil was doing, but soon found herself covering the drawing in shame.
She blushed, hoping more than anything that no one took notice, as she stuffed the drawing back in her binder quickly. Silence from Chris, who she forgot sat next to her. More than anything she hoped he didn't see what she was doing.
Not that it was particularly worth being ashamed over, it was just a picture of Bonny. Of course, the expression was questionable, but that was the most of it that was. Bonny was simply playing guitar, something she loved to do. But Freddi put this sort of loving look on her face, as her eyes stared at the viewer.
She glanced back at Chris as she shut her binder, and made eye contact. He smirked, and began speaking.
"You're good at that," he told her, "maybe you could teach me sometime."
"I— I guess, maybe?" Freddi stammered. "I don't r-really know how t-to teach, so..."
"Well, that's fine if you can't. I just wanted to present Bonny with something like what you drew of her. Don't think I didn't see it. You have some skill."
"Th-thanks..."
"But I must warn you, if you're anything close to what I suspect, you'll be sorry, in the end. But, knowing everything she's told me about you, you'll be fine. You guys may have been best friends since kindergarten, but she's my girlfriend. That takes precedence, k?"
"G-gotchya..."
"Good."
Freddi couldn't help but feel like curling up and crying from embarrassment, now. She remained silent for the rest of the class, keeping her brain on autopilot. She, once again, hated thinking more than anything. She hated having that freedom, because it backfired in her face every time.
She stood in silence when the bell rang, gathering her things and walking again to her locker to drop things off before lunch. She felt herself shaking a bit, trying to think positively, keep paranoia out of her head. It wasn't working.
She wondered what everyone else around her was thinking at all times. The brunette wondered if anyone could see her attraction to her best friend, she wondered how obvious it was. And with that, she wondered if Bonny already knew, or was at least suspicious. But that couldn't be, because she was always blunt with Freddi, so it would've come up by now. Right?
She sighed, shutting her locker once more and making her way to the cafeteria. She slogged her way through the lunch line, trying to spot Bonny's bright, blue hair through the crowd. It wasn't hard, and she was soon making her way to her friend.
She sat down by her friend, trying to keep herself from exploding with emotion and anxiety. She began eating silently, when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
"You're in my seat," a nasally voice sounded.
She turned around to see a short, dirty-blonde who was trying to pull off "that" look. You know the one: cargo shorts with a snapback. He was one of those types of guys. She said nothing as she stared at him, his nature stunning her. She thought his kind had died out years ago.
"You're in my seat, bitch," he said as though she knew. She looked him dead in the eye as she stood.
She was barely 5'7", and she towered over him. "Alright then," she said with full presence of mind. "I'll move."
"Freddi, don't— Brian, give it up for a day. She's my friend," Bonny said in futile attempt to get in the middle of things.
"No no, it's fine. He sits here, he can sit there. I don't care, doesn't really matter to me."
But it did matter to Freddi, she just wasn't about to make a fool of herself trying to keep a fucking seat. She'd take the gunshot wound and and fall back. It never really bothered her where she sat, even when every other table besides hers was filled. Speaking of, the empty table in the corner look really enticing to her.
She made her way over there with her lunch, and ate in silence. She stopped herself halfway through, her stomach deciding it'd fight back against the school's crummy lunches for once. She felt like vomiting with only half the damn thing eaten.
She rested her elbow on the table, and pressed her forehead to her palm. She breathed deeply, trying to avoid spilling her guts out. She felt her stomach overturning on her hard, and she quickly found herself rushing to the bathroom.
Bonny, meanwhile, had been eyeing the poor Freddi ever-so-carefully, and couldn't tell for sure if something was going on with the brunette. The way she got up and rushed so quickly, Bonny thought it safe to assume that it was simply the school food making her sick. She hoped it was that. She knew what an upset Freddi looked like, and she wasn't equipped to deal with that just yet.
Somehow, things always ended up like this. Freddi got into a rut just as Bonny was enjoying a relationship, and Bonny had to pay attention to Freddi, and next thing she knew, she was single again. It had always happened ever since she started trying to date three years ago.
She made note to maybe talk to Freddi about that before it actually did happen, because she knew it would. Maybe if she preemptively tried to do a little something about it, it'd turn out differently. Maybe it was a futile endeavour, but she still wished to attempt it nonetheless. She supposed it might also have been because Freddi herself came out of a relationship recently that she was upset now, though.
Bonny had absolutely no idea, and couldn't help but stare as Freddi headed back in and sat back down. The brunette noticed her, making eye contact. She smiled, and waved as a polite gesture, and Bonny's worries went away. Always that damn smile of hers that cheered Bonny up somehow.
The rest of the school day flew by, and Bonny barely felt like she blinked before she and Chris were making their way out of the building, chatting along the way.
"So, I noticed you kinda had a lot of concern in your voice talking to that brunette. Freddi, I believe her name was?" Chris asked.
"Yeah. She's my best friend, we've known each other since kindergarten. She's been extremely on-edge and depressed since we were fifteen. I thought I told you all this."
"I see. Well, you probably did, but I forgot, because I just wasn't thinking. Either way, surprise date to the movies?"
"Oh, hell yeah! I haven't been to the movies in ages. I'd absolutely love to go see the latest shitty romcom or something with you."
"Well, that's where we're headed right now."
"Uh, right now? Well if we're headed straight there, can I surprise-invite Freddi? It's fine if I can't, but I was gonna talk with her, see if she's holding up alright. Every time I get into the rhythm of a relationship, something goes wrong in her life and I have to be with her. Next thing I know, I'm single again, y'know?"
"Sounds like she's being indirectly territorial. She's trying to keep you all to herself, Bonny."
"I don't wanna look at it that way. In fact, what I was gonna do was see if she needed something, and then I'd see how things worked out. I'd see if she got really depressed, or something like that, and go ahead and try to fix the problem ahead of time."
"Sounds kinda smart, but it can wait until after the movie. I just wanna spend some time with you, y'know? I mean, I think that we need to sorta start being a little more consistent. It's been kinda here and there, but we need to start getting serious, you get me?"
"Yeah, I get it. Let's go, then."
Bonny and Chris drove to the movies, and quickly were inside the cinema. They were a little late for the movie, but obviously not too late.
All the while, Freddi was focused intently on finishing the doodle she'd begun in class. She needed to take her mind off of stresses, and the fact that she basically barfed her guts up because the school's food was that bad. She'd say something about it tomorrow to the administration, or the principal, someone like that.
She was constantly readjusting the sheet of paper, being careful with her pencil strokes. Erasing things on paper was a pain in the ass, so she preferred not to have to be in the situation in the first place. She was silent, her earbuds in as she gave laser focus to the piece of paper in front of her.
It took her around an hour in total to just complete the little sketch she'd started out, but she was happy with what became of it. She opened the left drawer of her desk, dropping it in, with a quiet sigh. No one would ever see it again, along with the rest of the doodles and sketches that were shoved in that same drawer.
She'd also retired her venting journal, which she'd kept before on the part of the desk a keyboard would normally go on, to the same drawer. She tempted the idea of bringing it back out a couple times, but told herself that she didn't need it.
She pulled her earbuds out, hearing her mom call her for dinner. She paused her music, leaving her phone on the desk. She was quickly down the stairs, grabbing a plate and filling it up with actually decent food.
Meanwhile, Bonny and Chris were just getting out of the movie, talking with each other about the shitty effects and terrible acting. It'd been some action thriller they couldn't even remember the name of, when Bonny realised she needed to call Freddi.
As they got into the car, she did so, allowing it to ring.
"C'mon, pick up, pick up," Bonny pleaded with every tone. She soon heard the voicemail prompt.
She attempted it again, vainly. And a third time. Then a fourth. What was up with her? She usually answered the phone, unless she left it somewhere or was keeping it on silent. The poor girl was so disorganised, that Bonny imagined it was the former. That was more likely than her leaving it on silent. That device pretty much ruled her life, even if ninety percent of the time she spent was watching cat videos or something else stupid.
She sighed, worrying for her friend. Never had she ever felt such immense worry for her, but anxiety was beginning to creep in and she hated it. She remained silent for the rest of the car trip. Chris attempted to get some sort of conversation out of her, but it was futile. She'd locked up.
"Thanks," she said nonchalantly, stepping out of the car. "It was fun."
"Doesn't sound like you had too much fun," Chris mentioned off-handedly.
"Look, I'm just extremely worried for Freddi, right now. She didn't answer four consecutive calls, and after today, I'm not sure if she's totally okay in her head right now. I'm just hoping it's not too late if she's not okay. It's nothing to do with you."
"I get it. Well, see you tomorrow."
"See ya, Chris. Love you."
Chris drove off, as Bonnie entered her house quietly. As she shut the door, she felt her phone begin to vibrate, and she rushed to pull it out. Freddi was calling back, thank the divine beings.
The blue-haired girl quickly picked up.
"Hey," Freddi said, her mouth full of food. She swallowed before continuing: "Sorry I didn't answer right away, was getting dinner. You worried about something?"
"Yes! I saw you get up and rush to the bathroom earlier. I called you four times, obviously I'm worried. That shit isn't normal for you."
"The school food was just that bad," Freddi mentioned before taking another bite and quickly swallowing. "It made me sick."
"I hope you're being honest about that."
"If I were just that depressed, you'd be the first and only person I'd go to, Bonny. Of course I'm being honest, I gain nothing from lying to you."
"Alright, I guess I see your point. So, on that note, I need to let you know something right quick. I may not be able to be around for you as much, anymore. Me and Chris are starting to take this relationship more seriously, so if I don't find as much time to talk to you, or maybe don't even say a word to you some days, it's not because of you."
"Good to know. It'd make me more anxious than right now if you'd have not prefaced all of this. Some people don't get the warning, their friends just desert them on an island of loneliness."
"Why are you so full of good lyric ideas today? I'm gonna have to steal that one, too."
Freddi chuckled. "It's quite alright, you don't have to tell me you're stealing them. And, I dunno. I guess it's just how my mind has been today. No clue if it's anything in particular."
"I may have to pull you during my next writing session."
"That's fine with me. I guess it'd give me something to do when I don't have ideas of my own."
"Alright, really just wanted to check up on you, let you know everything that's about to happen. I really hope you can understand. If something happens, I don't know if I'll be able to be there for you."
"Yeah, I get it. I've been trying to get better about breakdowns and that shit, finding different ways to vent my feelings. I think I've found some ways that are working out pretty well."
"That's good. Well, I'll talk to you later, I gotta go."
"See ya."
As Freddi hung up, she punched her face into her pillow, having shifted from her desk to her bed in the middle of the call. She could've said something, been open about her feelings, anything other than a total mindless mess like she was throughout the duration. She said things she figured Bonny wanted to hear, and not what she honestly needed to say.
She sighed, cursing herself for trying to just be the yes-girl. For trying to please everyone but herself at all times. She never stood up for herself, or tried to have a longer discussion with anyone. It always ended with "okay."
And on top of that, she could be losing her best friend, here. Someone she not only held dearly to her heart, but someone she loved. Someone she'd never let go of, in her mind. Someone who would always be everything she wanted but could never have.
She turned over, looking up towards the ceiling, wondering what all was going to change.
Well, three months went by.
There was nothing but silence between the two, and it was slowly killing the brunette from the inside out. She felt like she was going insane, and when she had the house to herself, she felt totally isolated. She didn't have anyone to call or text, no one to talk to, it was just silent. And it was suffocating.
Many times in those months did she consider calling, but refrained herself knowing that Bonny had someone else she cared about. Probably more so than she'd ever cared for the brunette. She never bothered to make any time for her, though, and Freddi felt ignored.
She woke up one day, knowing that her sister, Gabi, and her mom would be out all day. It would be a day of slow, brooding silence. It would be a day where a Freddi was tempted to find a knife and slit her wrists, knowing the pain would be all she had.
But she overcame it in her mind, knowing that it wouldn't accomplish anything. It never did. She sighed, trying to figure out something to keep her mind off of things.
And of course the first idea she had was essentially to give herself more anxiety.
She decided it best to call Bonny, to try to get her feelings out to the blue-haired guitarist. Well, her anxieties, not her feelings. It'd been three months of pure silence, and the brunette was suffocating in it. She wanted to at least try to make a cry for help.
She sluggishly reached for her phone, bleary-eyed and hair in a mess. She unlocked the device, going into her contacts and laying down as she started the call. It rang continually, which was odd to Freddi. She'd awoken at about noon, so she ought to be up by this point. What could she be doing right now? Lunch dates weren't like a thing, were they? Well, not like she'd know.
She could never hold a relationship for more than a week or two, if that.
She called again as the ringer faded into the voicemail prompt, but it happened all over again. A third time, surely it'd— hey, would ya listen to that answering machine? Lovely robotic voice.
She sighed, waiting for the prompt to give her the tone to start speaking. She was ready to finally get this shit off her chest, maybe get some help for peace of mind. Or at the very least be able to track around the time when she went insane.
As soon as the tone went away, she fired off immediately:
"Hey Bonny, I know you're probably annoyed with me trying to call you three times in a row. You probably had some important shit with Chris. But, I couldn't just leave myself in silence about this, at least not anymore. Ever since you guys did start dating, you've felt way too distant in this friendship. I know you talked about that, but hear me out.
"I— I miss when it was just us against the world. Because then, I didn't have to worry about these sorts of anxieties creeping in, because I knew you'd help me out. I've never been able to let go of those times, and that's how I guess I became subconsciously territorial? Yeah, I realised what I am, and I'm so sorry.
"Shit, I'm rambling, uh... Heh, well, I guess it doesn't matter, does it? You probably don't remember the voice speaking these words to you as you hear them, if you're even bothering to listen to this. I'm probably just a faded memory at this point, because we haven't talked in so long. Are you mad at me? Upset? What can I do to amend that? I'm being suffocated by silence, right now. It's starting to hurt me physically.
"Heh, this voicemail is just gonna give me more anxious thoughts, I know, but I needed to speak these feelings, even if it were into an echo chamber. I miss you, Bonny. I miss your little tangents, I miss that smirk only you've ever been able to pull off. I want to know if my best friend ever remembers me at this point, even if it's unlikely.
"Anyways, I'm sorry to bother you with this stupid shit. You can go back to ignoring me, if you bothered to listen to this whole thing. I hope you're happy, honestly. It doesn't matter if I'm involved or not, I honestly hope you're doing well."
Freddi hung up, realising she'd been rambling for the better part of five minutes. She sighed, as she set her phone down, and dressed herself. She stepped into the bathroom to finish getting ready.
Freddi looked at herself in the mirror. Brown hair, blue eyes, mask of happiness over her severe depression, everything was the same. She guessed the only thing that was different was that she'd sent such a deeply personal voicemail to her best friend. Not that even was something that'd normally be out of the ordinary, but it was so deep that she was having a hard time really believing in what she'd said.
I'm such an asshole, Freddi thought to herself. Can't leave your best fucking friend alone for so much as a couple months without having some sort of mental breakdown, eh girl?
"What the fuck is wrong with me?" she whispered, as tears slowly began to stream down her cheeks. "Why can't I be normal? Why can't I learn to hide this shit? Why can't I hold a relationship for longer than a couple weeks? How do I even fix me? What's broken? What's broken..."
She echoed the last phrase as she broke down into a sob, curling up on the floor. She rested her head against the cabinets under the sink counter, relating the same phrase over and over, searching desperately for an answer she'd never find.
"What's broken... what's broken..."
After around ten minutes of just letting her emotions come out like a flood, she stood, grabbing a paper towel and wiping away the tears. She blew her nose, trying to get rid of any proof she was crying. It didn't happen.
She looked at her red, puffed-up eyes, and the streaks on her face. She didn't see the same girl she saw just ten minutes earlier. She saw someone somehow more dead inside, somehow more destructive of the things around her. Somehow more anxious and hopeless than ever before.
It didn't help that she remembered that prom was coming in less than a week. Senior prom, and she had no one to go with. Senior prom, and she was going to a dance where someone she liked would be, but with someone who wasn't her.
Where she couldn't even have anyone to hang out, because her only friend had a date that Freddi had yet to drive away. She hated herself for how she'd alway treated things when her best friend got a new boyfriend. It was someone she'd pay attention to other than her, so she'd turn the spotlight to herself.
"You're a selfish fuck, that's what's broken," she told herself in the mirror. "You're too worried about yourself to think about the one you think you love. What the fuck is wrong with you? You make me sick."
Freddi walked away, wandering downstairs to find something to eat.
And ever since that moment, she didn't pay attention the whole rest of the week, not until prom. She looked at no one, not until prom.
Tonight would be the night that she lost any shred of dignity she may have had left. The night that would cement her loneliness in the world forever. The night where she'd put herself out there, despite knowing for damn sure that it'd backfire in her face.
Tonight would be the night that she confessed her feelings to Bonny. In the midst of the blue-haired guitarist's relationship with a guy she very clearly loved with all of he heart, Freddi would try to admit the lovesickness she'd had for two years. Even though she knew she'd leave the dance with her heart broken, she decided it was better to leave like that, rather than never knowing.
She sighed, looking at her stupid black dress with a short skirt. Self-consciousness sank in as she looked further towards her black ballet shoes. It's not as if she could feasibly wear heels. She didn't look good at all, in her eyes. But it was the best thing she had. She sighed, hoping that tonight went better than she knew it would. She wanted to be surprised, but knew that she'd never be with Bonny.
She snatched her keys and a small purse from her nightstand, and headed downstairs.
"You're looking stunning tonight," Gabi mentioned as Freddi descended the stairs.
"No I don't," Freddi weakly argued, "I look like trash."
"No you don't, sis. Don't put yourself down like that, because you look great. You'll kill 'em, tonight. So, who's picking you up?"
"No one. I'm going alone."
"Not even with Bonny?"
Freddi shook her head, and abruptly ended the conversation there by turning and heading to the door. Her shoes were uncomfortable, her dress was too short, everything was off to a horrid start. Driving up to the school felt like a chore, as if she were walking there. It went so slowly, and so quickly at the same time.
She got to the gym, only giving minor nod to the décor, because her heart was pounding so hard. She felt ready to throw up. Her heart was in her throat. The concessions table had quite an arrangement of little snacks and drinks. She merely picked up a drink, and hugged the wall of the gym to the other side.
She leaned against the wall, slowly sipping on the punch to try and calm her down, but her mind continued to race. Tonight was the night where her life ended, where she'd realise there truly was nothing beyond death for her. She didn't want that to be tonight, but it all had to do with the fact that she wouldn't be able to share her life with the one she wanted to.
She anxiously set her drink down on a table, bringing out her phone to see if Bonny had even bothered calling back. When she checked, there wasn't even a single text from her. That cemented Freddi's anxiety that tonight would just be the end of the road. She put her phone away, picking her drink back up and went back to sipping slowly to help the anxiety. No way in hell she made it out on top tonight.
She scanned carefully over every face in the crowd of dancing people, the blaring music making it hard to focus. She closed her eyes, sighing, as she didn't immediately spot her friend in the dim room. Maybe they didn't bother to come. Maybe they went out and had their own fun. Without her.
That wouldn't be too far off what she expected. She didn't want to be included in absolutely everything. That would just be cruel to them. She just wanted a little more communication from her best friend. From the one who promised since kindergarten to support her. And she promised the same to that best friend.
Now look what they've become. Just like every high school pair of friends, completely distant from one another. Why didn't she expect this?
She opened her eyes, finally spotting the couple in the crowd. Bonny was smiling at Chris, she looked happy. The brunette couldn't help but smile a little to at least know Bonny was happy. That's all she could care about at this point, because she knew her own life was almost over.
A slow song came on, and Bonny and Chris started slow dancing together. The way she looked into his eyes showed a love that Freddi wished she could feel. She wanted to be able to look someone in the eyes as they danced. She wanted to feel what true love was. And she sure as hell knew she wasn't.
She realised how creepy she must've looked. Staring longingly at a couple as they danced, a dumb grin plastered to her face. Her eyes fell to the floor, as she tried to ration the courage to approach. She looked back up to find Bonny wandering the concessions table.
The brunette didn't rush, per say, but she was still quick about hugging the wall over to Bonny, again.
"H-hey," she said quietly.
"Oh, hey Freddi, you came," Bonny replied with a smile.
"Mmhmm... I didn't think I'd come, at first. I just didn't want to lean on the wall by myself, looking like some awkward fuck. But, I convinced myself to come."
"That's nice."
"You want to know how I convinced myself?" Freddi asked, her breathing getting quick and short. She felt as if the room was closing in.
"Never mind that, you're hyperventilating, Freddi are you okay."
"Y-yeah, I'm just— I-I'm not ready to say this..."
"Then don't, just wait until you're ready."
"I-I'll never be ready if— if I don't say this now: I— I love you, Bonny."
"I love you, too, Freddi. You're a great friend."
"N-no... I love you. When I'm around you, I— I can't help but feel like I'm going to throw up because I can't talk to you. My heart beats in my throat as I can't think of the words to say, and I feel so lovesick around you. I can't keep the idea going that I'm fine, because I'm not, and that's b-because I can't tell you these things. I can't tell you these things because I know the answer, and I know that I'm never going to recover if I do."
"Freddi, I— I don't know what to tell you."
"I know— I know you don't know what to say, because I know you don't feel the same way. I know you love Chris, and you probably think that I view you as some sort of toy, and not you. But I love you because you've always been there for me, and I don't want that to ever lose that."
"Freddi, I— I'm so sorry. First for not answering that voicemail you sent me. I couldn't ever forget you, I just didn't know how to respond. I listened to every word, and I cried through it all. I never thought of you as someone who was so open like you were in that message. You just kinda put everything out there. I wondered what was going on with you. I wanted to call you so badly, but I couldn't think of what to say."
"You didn't have to say anything intelligible, all I needed was to hear your voice again."
"But, moving on, I— I'm sorry, but I just don't swing that way. I'm so sorry."
"I figured that that was gonna be what I heard. I'll— I'll see you on Monday."
"Freddi—"
Bonny tried to reach for Freddi's shoulder, but the brunette had already began walking away. She was headed towards to door out into the parking lot. Bonny wondered if she could've saved the situation, if she'd've just said the right words. Maybe denying Freddi because she wasn't interested in girls wasn't a good enough reason. Maybe things would be great if she decided to just give things a spin. But it was already too late.
Her best friend was going home, heartbroken. She likely didn't dance with anyone, she just leaned up against the wall, waiting for her. That made Bonny's heart twinge, because her best friend hadn't gotten the full experience. She'd been alone for it. Bonny sighed, as she felt Chris place a hand on her shoulder. He pulled her close, kissing her forehead.
"What's taking so long, boo?" he asked quietly, swaying back and forth to the music as he held her. "Was starting to wonder if you'd found another boyfriend."
"No, I— I—" Bonny pulled away slowly, setting down the drinks, "I had to reject Freddi. She came up to me, trying to get out the fact that she loved me, and— and I think I said the wrong thing."
"What'd you say?"
"I said I didn't swing that way, but as I heard the words hitting my mouth, I was already regretting them. She deserves a better reason than that. She means the world to me as a friend."
"I get it. You've told me before that you guys have known each other since kindergarten."
"Yeah, and she's always had some sort of issue since then. But not anything too major, until high school. I feel like if I don't go do something, I'll lose my best friend tonight."
"Then let's go."
"Really?"
"She clearly means a lot to you, so of course I'm gonna take you to help her out. I'd be a terrible boyfriend if I didn't do that."
"You're great, Chris. Let's go."
As they started walking out to the parking lot, Freddi was already at home, in tears. She couldn't let go just like that, the words stabbed her heart beyond what she'd ever imagined possible. Why did she let herself get this way?
She knew that it was her fault. She got so attached, so hopeful that maybe, just maybe, Bonny had some sort of mutual feeling hidden within. But, of course not. She felt completely fucking stupid for even imagining such a thing could be there. She felt like she was just blindly trying to find something that was so obviously not there, and not ever going to be there.
She pulled her pillow to her chest, turning over to her side, tears silently still falling down her face. She'd changed out of her dress into a brown t-shirt and thin, grey lounge pants. She felt like she was ultimately going to be alone when the world ended. No one would ever come along that she could love in the same way as Bonny. Maybe Bonny wasn't her first love, but it hurt like her first love.
She buried her tear-stained face into her pillow, curling up in the dark. She wasn't going to sleep tonight, she knew that. She briefly considered bringing out the knife in her nightstand drawer. But she refrained, knowing that such an action wouldn't take away her problems. And plus, she'd probably end up hurting Bonny in the process.
But maybe she was okay with that.
No— She couldn't be, right? At least, she shouldn't be. Even as friends, not lovers, they need to have each other's back.
But what's the point in being there for someone you don't need to catch? For someone who isn't able to catch you, anymore? Someone who has their catch, someone who doesn't need you to catch them. Because they aren't the one falling.
She heard someone come in downstairs, and she knew she was the only one still awake. It was 11pm, no one was up this late besides her. She didn't imagine Bonny would come over, the only other person with a key. But she was ready to die. If it wasn't Bonny, if it was some sort of criminal who was there to take her life tonight, she wouldn't be against it.
The stairs creaked as they ascended. No gunshots, even with Gabi passed out on the couch downstairs. She cursed whatever higher being that was out there for not taking her now. She had nothing left to live for, what was even the point?
"Freddi?" she heard Bonny's voice say softly against a creaking door.
"Go away," Freddi groaned, "you've hurt me enough with your words. I don't need your presence haunting me."
"About that, I— I wanted to say sorry. What I said, I-I feel really bad about. You need a better reason than that, because if I really wanted to, I probably could let myself be with you. But, y'know... Chris is kinda a thing, I'm trying to keep my life together, and you're trying to the same, it just— it wouldn't work out, trust me."
Freddi sniffed, "That's the thing: we're supposed to make it work if we truly care. Or, I thought that's how relationships were supposed to work. Friendships apparently don't work that way, so maybe I just don't know what the fuck I'm talking about."
"No, Freddi— that's not what I—" Bonny sighed. "I want to make it work, I honestly do, but I'm already with someone who I love. Maybe we could make things work if that wasn't in the way, but I'm not in a situation where I could make the commitment. I care about you, Freddi. I honestly do."
"No, I get it. I understand why things can't be the way I want them to be, but I'm being bitter because I don't know a better way. I don't know any way that I can vent my frustrations while still carrying a conversation. I'm just so lost and confused right now."
"I know, and you may be for some time. But trust me, things will get better."
"Things never get better. They mellow out until they eventually get fucked up again. My life won't get better. I'll coast on "okay" until shit like this happens, and I'm left heartbroken. I'm left bent and broken, and I'm left alone. I've missed just your friendship, Bonny. You haven't talked to me in three months."
"I know, and I'm sorry. I'm more sorry than words can express for putting you through that shit. That was not an okay thing to do, but I still managed to do it. I'm so fucking sorry for that. Don't think that you did anything for me to start ignoring you, because I just got caught up in everything."
"Don't be sorry. Even if you didn't mean to, I get it. Maybe I just need to fade into silence. Fade away to where no one remembers or still cares about me. I'm just so tired of being alone."
"I know, I know. I told Chris I was going to stay with you tonight, just to make sure you turn up okay."
"That was a bad idea. I'm only going to be more and more emotional as the night goes on, wishing that with the time I have with you, I could've done more than just talk. But, I'm going to respect your relationship, and not be a selfish prick like I always am."
"You're not—"
"Before you even get a chance to finish that statement, you know I am. Don't try to fight it, right now. I'm not in the mood."
Freddi felt one of Bonny's hands find itself tangled in her messy, brown hair. She sighed, as the blue-haired girl sitting at her feet continued to play with her heart. She didn't say anything, because she knew anything that'd come from her mouth would only worsen her situation. Silence was the best solution, even if it had been her worst enemy for the past three months.
She acknowledged that sometimes you needed silence, even if she hated that it had to be that way. She wanted to be able to whisper the words "I love you" and get the response she wanted. She wanted to taste her best friend's lips so badly, and she was right there. But alas, she remained still and silent.
She fell asleep at some point, as did Bonny, but she couldn't remember when it happened. She woke the next morning at nine with her alarm. She turned the damn thing off, because its blaring and buzzing wasn't just annoying, they were distracting. She remembered that Bonny had to go home today. She wasn't ready to let go, just yet, though. She still needed her assuring touch to let her know she was still real, that her life hadn't just been some huge fucking dream to this point.
Though, it'd be more of a nightmare than anything.
She attempted to sit up, but found Bonny was bent over awkwardly over her legs, and she couldn't help but cringe a little bit. Her back was so weirdly contorted, she knew that Bonny wouldn't be waking up to the most pleasant state.
The brunette sighed, laying back down. Half her nose was blocked, and she was ready to get out of bed. She always felt disgusting if she wallowed in her own filth for too long. She needed a shower. She needed a new life. She needed too many things.
She sat there for about half an hour before Bonny finally woke up, rolling over on Freddi's legs and slowly rising to a sitting position.
"I guess it's no wonder why my back fucking hurts," she stated. "Oh fuck, I was probably holding you down. You know you could've woken me, right?"
"That wouldn't have been right. You were asleep, I wasn't going to disturb you."
"As long as you didn't finger yourself while I was laying there."
"Aaaaaaaaaaand, I'm mad at you, again."
Bonny couldn't help but chuckle lightly, even though she knew Freddi probably took offense to it, anyways. She smiled at the brunette, who still had a sour frown plastered to her face.
"Hey, c'mon. It was just a joke," Bonny whined.
"I know it was just a joke, but I'm not in the mood for jokes. I'm genuinely depressed right now, and I have to deal with it once you leave. I'm not ready for this day to start."
"I know you feel that way, but you have to be willing to laugh at yourself, even in the darkest times. It'll save you a lot more pain, in the long run."
"Maybe it will, but, I'm just— I'm not willing to step outside of myself right now. I need a few more days of being selfish and bitter to sort of finally let go, because I have all these feelings swirling inside that I just can't get rid of. And no matter how much calm conversation I have, I'm not gonna suppress that. I just won't."
"I guess I can understand that. Anyhow, I can't stay all day. I'll have to be on my way. See you on Monday."
"See you then, I guess."
Freddi watched Bonny walk away. She didn't cry out, she didn't resist, she just watched. She screamed at herself on the inside, telling herself to take Bonny's hand, and don't let go until the problem's solved. But she knew Bonny couldn't solve this problem for her. She had to do it herself, there wasn't a way for her best friend to help her on this one.
As the door shut, Freddi sighed. That damned silence, again. She wasn't ready to go back to this, and her heart twinged at the thought that nothing would change. That another three months would pass, and she'd have enough. She'd have enough and she'd "vanish." Because she wasn't about to take another three fucking months of silence.
She already felt herself hanging by a thread, barely clinging to life because she knew there wasn't much left, but she still held on. She didn't understand why, she thought that she didn't have the will to live in her mind. Maybe her sub-conscience willed her on, she didn't know.
She yawned, laying back on her bed. She stared longingly at the ceiling, whispering to herself:
"Maybe one day. Maybe one day..."
8,193 words, author's notes not included.
So, that was a thing. The longest single chapter that I've ever written, and I'm not done. I'm gonna update this whenever, but it's not high on my priorities list. So don't expect it to be too often. Which, I'm starting so many projects because ideas and motivation are sporadic and you gotta act on 'em. I enjoyed writing this, and if you bothered to read the whole damn thing (can't blame ya if ya didn't, it's long as fuck) I hope you enjoyed it, too. Anyways, please leave a review of your thoughts, as it's much appreciated. ^^;
EDIT: Fixed dialogue and grammar issues I didn't notice the first time.