Author's notes: Don't blame the writer for the opinions expressed! Selmak took over my body and wrote this drabble!
Spoilers: Jolinar Memories and The Devil You Know.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not afraid to admit that I've always had some trepidation about blending with a man. The very idea was alien, even preposterous. After nearly two thousand years as a woman I was quite accustomed to my femininity. I loved being a woman. Oh, I know, I don't have a sex. But I do have a preference and it's all woman!
Besides, I'm Selmak of the Tok'ra, the oldest and wisest, a respected leader on the High Council. I was one of a select few that had the privilege of interviewing my host each time a new blending was required. I wasn't too picky. About five eight, blonde hair, blue eyed, intelligent, sense of humor, and a good figure but not too leggy and not too top heavy if you know what I mean. Those were…
What's so funny?
Hey, if you were stuck with the same body for two hundred years or more you'd have a specific set of requirements too! So don't go judging me. Some day, when you reach my age then you can go criticizing me all you want. Until then…oh wait, I forgot, you humans only have a limited life span unlike me! Never mind, just accept what I say.
I am older and wiser, and I know what's best!
Anyway, I was comfortable and confident that I would never have to confront my fear of being blended with a man. I knew I would lose all my power if I ever blended with a man. You heard me. Power. I'm not talking physical strength. We all know men are physically stronger than women are. We have to let them feel good about some thing otherwise we'd never have sex with them. Oops! Can I say sex? Is this PG-13? Who gives a shit, this is my story!
Power.
Right, who can turn a man's head by simply walking into a room? Keep your mind out of the gutter ladies. Who can make even the strongest man weak in the knees? Who actually has a higher tolerance to pain? We all know a woman can bear any kind of pain. I'd like to see a man in labor for twenty-four hours then still have the energy to push a watermelon out between his legs.
We women have more power than the men do. We simply allow them to believe they're the dominant sex of our species. It's all part of our plan to take over the universe and reshape it to our liking. Oops! Did I say that? Well, I am some what arrogant, a side effect of the blending.
About that, I can honestly tell you I never thought I would have to blend with a man. But one day the cosmos threw me for a loop. For those of you who don't know it yet, fate really has a twisted sense of humor. I was left with no option. It was Him or Death. Death or Him.
I was petrified.
Not only had Martouf brought in a man to be my new host but a man who was ill and barely able to stand on his own two feet. I had lay there thinking…where did they dig this guy up? I've seen corpses with more color! Couldn't I have the blonde? She was my type!
And they couldn't have found someone just a little 'younger'? I mean I know I'm the oldest and wisest but that didn't mean I wanted to look the part! Why do you think they call it 'Father Time'? He's ancient, older than dirt! I know I'm older than dirt but I am not going to admit that to anyone!
I am female, remember. It is our prerogative never to reveal our real age.
Thankfully, Saroosh, bless her heart, verbally smacked me on my flipper and told me I was being too hard on the guy when I didn't even know anything about him. And even though she was dying, she ordered me to behave. Of course, I did as she told me. I didn't want to upset her nor did I want to remember our final moments together as displeasing.
I really loved Saroosh as any symbiote would love their host. She was the perfect host. Fit all my requirements when I chose her for the blending. And we really did have nearly two hundred years of laughter together. That was no joke. We often cracked jokes to each other during those long, boring Council Meetings. We'd play matchmaker in the dining commons. Flirt with the men in the bathing pools…when we were much younger mind you.
And we loved wearing colorful dresses. We had an extensive wardrobe but not as large as Anise's leather collection. Sorry, I never like my host's boobs strapped down so tight that they felt like they were going to pop. Honestly, I wondered how Anise and Freya ever could breathe in those getups! So you would never find leather in my collection. I like soft, flowing gowns that were easy to take off during the heat of passion.
Oh, did I actually say that out loud? My, my! Isn't it a little warm in here? Where was I? Or right…Jacob.
When I saw Jacob that first time, I knew he wouldn't want to wear a dress not even as a joke. Pfft, teddy bear my ass! What a crock! You could tell by his walk and how he held himself that he was a man's man. Even though the man was sick, he held his head high and stood stiff as a pole. Military type, you can tell right away even if he wasn't wearing the uniform.
And worse, the man had absolutely no clue about what he was actually getting into. He knew nothing of the Tok'ra or the Goa'uld; he didn't even know the difference between them. I had to gently remind him that I wasn't a Goa'uld.
Me, Selmak a Goa'uld!
Yet, he was surprisingly humble about his apology. So my initial thought that he knew nothing was wrong. He did at least understand that the Goa'uld were the monsters of the universe. And he wasn't afraid to admit the very idea of blending terrified him. He faced it like a true warrior would.
I must admit that I was…impressed. And it takes a lot to impress someone of my vast experience.
It was only after I had blended with him that I learned the real reason why he had agreed to blending. Sure there were the positives of having longevity and healing abilities. Not to mention he was a fighter and loved the battle as much as the Jaffa did. But the love Jacob had for his daughter was strong. Strong enough that he would have done anything to cheat death so that Samantha Carter wouldn't have to suffer the loss of another parent.
Yeah, that's my host now…a real 'teddy bear' at heart. And a real pain in the ass with more rough edges than I could measure!
I told you I had my fears about blending with a man, remember?
Let me tell all you women. It is absolutely true…a man does think differently than a woman! They are the animals we intuitively believed they are! Anything with big boobs and long slender legs is an object to be gawked at. Ok, so I admit that Jacob never gawked for too long, kept any lustful thoughts to himself, and he did have a great respect for women.
They just speak a different language only other men can understand. At least that's what I've been able to deduce. Jacob tried to explain the different sports like football and baseball to me. I didn't understand the concept of twenty-two men rolling around in the grass for a ball that wasn't even round. The stick and the ball was equally baffling and actually sounded boring. Honestly, who keeps track of the hits, misses, and how far the ball traveled or who it traveled to?
Then there's food, a man's other obsession other than the opposite sex. Can you tell me why it's important to drink lots of something call beer and eat burgers or hot dogs on the Fourth of July? I don't know what beer is. Nor do I even know what the significance of the Fourth of July is. Jacob said it's called a holiday. Pfft, I don't even get a vacation day let alone a holiday!
A vacation sounds like it would be nice. I'm not sure about the beverage. But I am curious about some things called coffee, chocolate, chili-cheese fries, double bacon cheeseburger, cake and ice cream. The list of Earth foods goes on and on. I hope to try them all.
There's also a fun place called Disneyland that could be very interesting to explore. And you know, after a lifetime or two of being a resistance fighter and leader, I do have a lot of accumulated vacation time.
And there are a few other positives I could live with. The peeing while standing is way more convenient especially if you don't have an adequate bathroom available. The grooming is simpler for Jacob since he's low maintenance and not exceedingly vain about his appearance. The lack of hair on his head took some getting used to. I used to love brushing my host's hair in the morning when I first arose. The very action was time consuming and relaxing. It takes all of two seconds to comb Jacob's hair.
On other hand, I always did like a man with a hairy chest!
Oops! I really have to be careful what I think. Jacob doesn't see men the way I still do. I'm still getting used to seeing a woman through a man's eyes. And that's nothing compared to having to learn how to walk like a man. Jacob says I'm to dainty when I walk and won't let me have control of his body unless we're sitting down. Even then he tells me to watch my hand gestures. I even had to learn how to eat like a man!
Yes, ladies, I had to learn how to shovel it in and then give a big belch of appreciation. Ok, not really…it was just a quiet tiny burp.
Who would have thought that trying to be a man was so difficult? I mean, I'm two fucking thousand years old for crying out loud! The change, if it really happened, wasn't going to take place overnight. And especially not when the two of us are stubborn and both firmly set in our ways. I didn't think it were possible to find a host as stubborn as I am.
It was just another of fate's cruel jokes I had to endure.
But you know when all is said and done, I wouldn't change what's happened. You heard me. Even after all our bitching about who's the more dominant sex. Even after fighting over who was going to fly the cargo ship, who was going to be in charge of the body during a mission, who was going take a nap during the Council Meetings, or whether to sleep in or not.
Even after all of that and more I wouldn't change hosts now.
The option was given to me after I mentioned to Garshaw that I was finding my transition with Jacob to be a difficult one. I had instantly regretted saying such a thing for I really hurt Jacob's feelings. The man is full of strong emotions that he keeps deep within. Keeping them inside was a side effect of his military training with the Air Force. To be a strong military leader you can never let your troops see the fear in your eyes. But through our bond I could feel his emotions even if he didn't project them.
Jacob Carter truly understands the meaning of duty, honor and loyalty. When he calls himself Tok'ra he means it. When he says he's my host, he's proud of it. And one thing about my host that he doesn't show too often is that he is fiercely protective of those he deeply cares about.
I didn't realize just how protective he could be until Sokar captured us and sent us to Netu to be tortured and interrogated. Jacob took the brunt of the punishment, giving Binar our Tok'ra name and nothing more. Jacob even learned to use my voice and could swear in the Goa'uld's language better than most Goa'uld or Tok'ra. His cocky attitude really pissed off Binar and Sokar. But it also frustrated them into finally giving up on us and just dumping us into the pit.
And in the pit we still are. I have devoted much of my energy to healing Jacob's injuries. I am prepared to sacrifice myself so that he may have a chance to live. He's clever enough to survive. Only he's too stubborn to let me go.
'Sel, don't cry. If we die, I die a happy man. Hell, you helped me cheat death! I should have died over a year ago from cancer. Even though our time together was short, I experienced so much and I'm honored to call you my symbiote and my friend.'
'You really are a pain in the ass, Jake. But I wouldn't smooth out your rough edges too much. I love you as you are and I value our friendship.'
'I…was that…was that Sam's voice?'
'I don't know. Call her.'
"Sam?" Jacob called as loud as he could. He was exhausted and I was weak. But we both dared to hope. "Sam."
"Dad?"
Then suddenly an angel…Jacob's angel was before us.
"Dad!"
We're both still in a state of shock. Jacob can't even believe what his own eyes are telling him!
"Am I dreaming?" he asks.
"No…no we're real," Sam answers.
I see the anxiousness in Sam's eyes. We must be in pretty bad shape. It's difficult for me to tell as the last of my strength is fading.
"Are you crazy?"
I chuckled. My host protective to end. Only he would ask if his daughter was crazy for coming to his rescue. Admit it; you gotta love the big lug for that!
Needless to say, I was out of it after that. Brief terrifying glimpses of Apophis flashed before my eyes a couple of times as Jacob and I were in and out of consciousness once Sam and her friends arrived. Jacob even managed to do his job in conveying the intelligence we gathered to Martouf.
To be honest, there was a point when we thought we were going to die. Jacob was scared. As was I. I had never really stared death so closely in the face before. And Jacob…he didn't want his daughter to be hurt. And the grandkids…did I mention I was a grandma since I blended with Jacob? We both knew we couldn't die because of them, not after I had worked so hard to bring Jacob's son Mark and the grandkids into Jacob's life.
But what I'm I saying you know the rest of the story. Sam was able to recall her memories of Jolinar and save us all. Only we didn't take our vacation in Alaska. No. Jacob and I decided that as soon as we were recovered we would see the grandkids. I love them both as if they were my own. And I love Sam and Mark as if they were my own children.
We all had such a wonderful time at Disneyland. I even had fun in the giant teacups and laughed so my sides hurt. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I laughed that hard. Maybe it truly was fate or some kind of cosmic rationale that I blend with Jacob. Whatever the reason, I'm glad to be where I am. And I'm really looking forward to my next vacation on Earth, my next double cheeseburger with chocolate cake, and my next adventure with my host, Jacob.
'Jacob, what's that? It smells really good!'
'It's called coffee! Try it. I think you'll like it.'