Fenris's returning to Hawke

by grogghagga

After a while apart, Fenris comes back to Kirkwall to talk to Hawke.

Hawke despised herself. She had thought she was a strong and independent woman who would never fall weak for a broken heart and ended up in someone else arms just so she could feel a warm chest, a soft hand caress her chin, fingers playing through her long black hair, a soft kiss telling her that she belonged just there. To see a smile that was only for her as the man looked upon her and told her how beautiful she was, as she was laying in bed naked. To hear that someone wanted her so badly, to kiss every inch of her, exploring her body.

She never thought she needed confirmation, needed to be seen, but when that man broke, stole, shattered her into pieces, she needed just that, and she had ended up in a mans arms. In Anders arms.

She hated herself, felt like she was cheating, although she wasn't.

Fenris had left her that night, left her heartbroken. When she woke up from a short slumber after their passionate, although short, tumbling in bed she had found him all dressed up, his armor back on his chest and arms. He was about to pull his hand piece together when he heard her voice "-Was it that bad?" a voice insecure and fragile. She bet he could feel her eyes burning into his back, making small peek holes to reveal his facial expression before he looked at her.

Fenris closed his eyes, thoughts running through his head, all the loving things he wanted to say, but couldn't. He couldn't stand the loss, not again. That woman had brought back something precious, only to have him loose it. He didn't know what to feel, he needed time, but unsure if she would grant him that.

One last push on his right hand and the armor was in place. His protection against the world was back in place, he felt naked without them, like the steal was as big part of him like his feet and ears. Especially now he needed them, he felt vurnable, the way he had exposed himself for Hawke, the way the woman made him feel. He had lost himself inside of her, completely broken down his protecting wall and let her in, for a brief moment. A heavy sigh left his chest and he turned around, again amazed over how beautiful that woman was, he saw that she was waiting for an answer, searching his face for a hint, nervously fingered the blankets corner which had found its place half down the floor, in company of a pillow and her clothes.

"It was fine…" he found the words coming from his mouth stupid. Insufficient. "Fine?" He cursed at himself silent. "Andraste guide me…"

"No, that's not right, it was more than I ever could have dreamed of, its just…" He sighed. Why couldn't he just tell her how he truly felt? That she was the most wonderful person he had ever met, and would ever meet. That he owed his life to her. Trying to make her understand, she would wouldn't she?

"So…why are you dressed up, are you leaving?" her voice telling she was confused.

"I must go…" his voice broke and he turned away from her. "Forgive me" Then waked away with heavy steps.

Now Hawke felt a fury growing inside of her, she got up from bed, trying to pull the blanket around her body but her hands was shaking and didn't obey her, "fuck it then" she thought and let it fall to the floor, she took some quick steps and was only a few inches from Fenris, looking at his back piece, her hand grabbed his left arm and she pulled him around. Fenris stumbled and tried to resist, trying to recapture his balance which Hawke set out of balance with her rough grasp. She raised her hands only to capture his arms so he couldn't walk away, pushing him to the wall, not rough but enough to surprise herself that she was really angry, or mostly hurt.

She starred him in the eyes, those big green eyes that she had enjoyed looking at from the first moment she saw him, she felt his muscles tighten and she pressed her hands harder around his arms, only to make him feel more uncomfortable. "What?" she said.

Fenris looked at her, into her eyes, saw the confusion in them, felt her trembling hands as they held him tight but not hurting. He was unsure about her feelings, unsure if it was just a game of hurt feelings, or simply pride, maybe both.

He had to say something, he knew that, he wanted to tell her, tell her that he loved her, Maker knew he did…but the words found another way to escape his mouth "I cannot do this, its too fast, this, THIS isn't right!" And with a heavy force he freed himself from her arms and pushed her away. "This cannot be!" His voice hard and cold, he looked at her, she looked back, then nothing more. He walked away, down the main stairs, down the hall, opened the door and shut it behind him. He was gone.

A year had past since that night. 4 months since she found herself in Anders arms.

Now, when laying beside him she couldn't think of anything else but Fenris, how she missed him. Damn him! Damn that beautiful elf, damn his integrity and selfishness! Hawke closed her eyes, was it really his fault? Maybe she was the one who had rushed him, pressing him for answers he couldn't give, was it her who scared him away? Why did she had to be so, so…it appeared to her that he wasn't the selfish one, she was. If she could have shown patience instead of anger and hurt, would he still be here, why couldn't she had swallowed her pride and let him go for the night, maybe he would have come back the next? To explain. But he didn't, he had left Kirkwall with nothing but the ghost of his shadow in every corner.

On every mission they had went on she had lacked his lanky body, his strong arms and his way of always protecting her against foes, every time he had come to her rescue when he thought she needed help, striking the foes with incredible force and knocked them to the ground, only to look at her with his big worried eyes, saying "Are you hurt?" She wasn't, he never let them get that close to her, he always came to help her, although she could manage on her own, he wasn't far away from her, looking over his shoulder, watching, protecting her. Makers breath, she missed him so much.

Her thoughts was interrupted, Anders who laid beside her had been watching her from behind, he broke the silence "What are you thinking of, love?"

-"Fe…" She silenced. "Feathers…" she sighed, that was close.

-"Feathers?"

-"Yes. Those feather of yours, on your coat."

-"What about them?"

-"Nothing really, just wondering why they are green" She answered and felt incredible stupid.

-"Well, they are not green exactly, they are grey and come from the Black marchers. He placed his hand on her shoulder and tried to roll her over so he could see her face, she resisted. She wanted her back towards him, didn't want to look at him, not now.

Didn't want a kiss from him, didn't want him touching her at all in fact, but if she moved away she had to explain why, why she been so cold lately, hadn't looked him in the eyes, laughed at his jokes when meeting Varric and Merill at the Hanged man. She felt too weak, to vurnable, but she was a fool thinking he didn't noticed anything. She knew he did.

How could she had ended up in this mess, why her feet taken her to Anders's clinic that night was a mystery. She never liked him that much, although he was handsome, long and masculine, he wasn't what she wanted. But something drove her there, in his arms, into his bed.

She remembered it all too well…

Feeling alone and missing Fenris while sitting in her estate, drinking wine, she felt need of company. Maybe she could walk over to Merill and chat a little with her, the thought hit her that Merill was out of town, visiting the Keeper, for some reason she couldn't remember. Maybe Varric then? No, if she went to the Hanged man Isabella would be there and she had no need of seeing her, not after an argue about that stupid relic of hers, in fact it wasn't hers, it didn't belong to her, the discussion had ended up in yelling and Isabella calling Hawke a stubborn bitch who had to do what's right all the time. No, not the Hanged man.

Then Anders came to her mind, its been while since she saw him, he'd been hiding since the templar's started searching Darktown more frequently. Yes, Anders it was.

Anders was cleaning when she arrived, sorting out paper and other stuff. A smile came over his face when he saw the gorgeous woman approaching. -"Hawke! Long time my friend, how are you?" She didn't answer, looked around for something to sit on and the only thing she saw was his bed, without any answer she walked passed him and placed her behind on his bed. "Hmm, soft" she caught herself thinking.

Anders had followed her with his eyes, he turned around, looked at her, his eyes explored her tall legs, her thighs and her small waist. Then wandered up to her breasts, they were pretty big, round and beautiful, at least what he thought, he had never seen them, but he wanted to. "Something wrong?" He asked. Hawke answered with a headshake but he could see a tear rolling down her cheek, looking down and didn't want to meet his eyes. He came closer and laid a hand on her shoulder, "Hey, what's up?" His voice tender and soft, taking the hand of her shoulder and placed it on her chin, lifting her face up. "I just felt alone, I needed some company" she whispered. "I'm glad you came to me then" he placed his hands again on her shoulder and lifted her up. "Is it Fenris again? Why do you put yourself into this situation when you know how he is, what he did to you? He left you Hawke! He is nothing but a coward and an idiot. He doesn't deserve your tears."

Her body wanted to protest, wanted to scream that he was not an idiot, that she loved him, she wanted to protect him from this allegations, protect him as he had protected her, so many times. But she couldn't, wasn't strong enough, her legs turned to jelly and her chest hurting. Trying to breathe and calm herself from another cry attack. "I don't want to talk about him" she said. Before she knew it she had approached him and placed her lips on his, giving him a kiss that made her remember Fenris warmth. Oh how she wanted to feel the heat, the passion, his thrusts again, the sweat pouring from his back as he laid on top of her, making love to her.

Anders did not resist, not at all, instead he pulled his arms around her, held her tight and kissed her even harder, one hand started stroking her back, lower and lower 'til it had found its place on her bottom, he squeezed it. "So soft and delicate" he thought. He wondered how far he could go before Hawke told him to stop, he had to find out, this kiss of hers had surprised him but he had longed for her body so long, he couldn't resist, he couldn't. His hand left her bottom and wandered to her belt, fingered on it until it fell to the floor. Hawke let him continue, he felt aroused, his fingers wanted her skin, her breasts, her mouth, her center.

He took a step back, Hawke looked at him, he could feel her desire, wanted him to fill her, he approached her again, this time with more violent, pushed her into the wall, a little moan slipped out of Hawke's mouth "Yes, do it, do it Anders!" He pulled her small skirt away, let it rest on his arm while his fingers searched her holiest, he moaned when he discovered that she was all wet, he stroke her clit, up and down and he felt his pants getting tighter, the blood made his length screaming for more room. He pushed two fingers inside of her and Hawke bit her lip. He pulled them rough in and out, he wanted her to scream, her juices poured down his fingers and he continued. His lips found its place in her neck and she leaned back so he could explore her, making more room for himself there. She opened up her legs even more, Anders saw his chance and pulled his fingers out. Hawke protested. -"Why, no!" Anders smiled at her, kissed her only to leave her lips again and went down on his knees. -"You have no idea how long I have waited for this, Hawke. Spread your legs for me" Lost in the moment, she did what he said. -"Makers breath Hawke! I will eat you up" He placed his hands around her hips, pulling her closer. She moaned of desire when she felt his tongue enter her, licking her, in and out it went, in a faster and faster tempo, as she was getting closer he stopped. He placed his thumb on her clit and started rub it gently, only to take it away and place two fingers in her again, pressing deeper and deeper, hard. Hawke felt her body shivering, Anders was talented with his fingers for sure, and the way his tongue felt inside of her, but she wanted more, she took a step back and felt Anders's fingers leave her "No, come here, Im not done yet" He grabbed her, spread her legs and entered her again. He sighed as a baby who just got the nipple back from his mother, to feed more. His tongue went deep and twisting her inside. She felt an orgasm wasn't far away and Anders could tell from her contractions, he entered his fingers once again and pulled them rough in and out until it poured juices between Hawke's legs "Oh yeeeessss! Harder!" She came and Anders was quick on his feet, pulled of his coat and pants, took her in his arms and carried her to the bed, laid her down, placed one hand on her clit and gave it a soft massage, she was so incredible wet. Hawke laid on her back and Anders placed himself on top of her. "Spread your legs for me, please" Again, she did what he asked. He entered her with his length with one hard thrust. Hawke's back left the sheets, only to rest on her shoulders. "Makers breath! He was rough" she thought while he moved up and down her body, trying to go deeper with every move, with every thrust. -"I have dreamed of this for so long, Hawke" he frusted. His skin smashed into hers as he continued. He kissed her. He could feel the tension in his balls. He wanted to release it inside of her, all of it. He pulled out, placed his length on her clit. Wondered if he could make Hawke come again. He started to move up and down, massaging her with his lower head. Hawke tensed, she was a little soar and not sure what he wanted her to do. "You are not ready for a second go?" Anders smiled. "Very well then.." Something darkened in Anders face. He stood up on he's knees, the dick in all its power were covered on juices "Turn around, love" Hawke felt a bit insecure at first, but after looking at Anders face she turned over. She stood on her knees and held her balance with her palms. She felt his entrance again and the air escaped her instantly. He leaned over her back and pushed himself hard inside of her, working his every muscle, his thrusts was deep, almost like he wanted to punish her. Sweat was escaping his body and landed on her back. At the same time he placed his right hand on her bottom, massaging it, after a while he moved on, close to her upper hole. He pulled out from her only to place his fingers inside of her, some small thrusts and then out again, his dick was searching his way back and Anders helped with his hand, moaning the second he was inside. "So wet" he thought. His fingers that was now wet from Hawke placed themselves close to the upper opening, wanted to go inside. "Wait, no Anders…" Hawke whispered. "Sshh, it will be fine, love" Anders answered. Then he entered her tight hole with one finger and moaned at the warmth and tightness. He moved it in and out and fucked her other hole at the same time. Hawke didn't know what to say, but she felt another orgasm was on it way and she heard herself say "Harder!" Anders smiled and did what she said. He began to move faster and harder and his finger in her ass was also aggressive, he felt it was not long before he would release all of his seed inside of her but he wanted her to come first. He started rubbing the hole with his thumb and then entered another finger to it. Hawke screamed and seconds after she came, hard. "Yes love, come!" Anders pulled his fingers out, placed them on her hips and let his seed fill her up. They fell down in the bed, exhausted.

Her heart was pounding fast, she tried to reclaim it and then it hit her, what had she done?! What on earth came over her? Maker's breath woman! She was too soar to walk all the way home, she wanted to but the muscles didn't obey her. Instead she turned away from Anders, showed him her back and closes her eyes. "Never again" she thought, "Never again, I'm sorry Fenris" She fell to sleep.

It had been 4 months since the night with Anders and somehow she still felt unclean, filthy. Like she had done the most awful thing to the man she loved. But on second thought, he didn't love her back, he had not said so directly to her, but what reason should there else be for his departure? HE had left her. "Damn you Fenris" she mumbled. Anders was still looking at her back, on the way of stroking her when she got up. "Enough" She thought. -"I must get some air" and without waiting for a response she was out of the room. Jogging to the main door, she couldn't get out fast enough, it seemed like the walls around her was closing in, she couldn't get any air. "I must get out!" She turned the lad and pushed it to open, finally, out. The air filled her lungs and her hearts pounding began to calm. With her eyes closed she leaned her head back to the door. A tear rolled down her cheek. She cursed herself for what had happened between them, luckily it was the only time. She had escaped another love scene with Anders with different excuses and tried to be away as much as possible. Why she just couldn't tell him the truth or tell him to leave she did not know.

All she knew was that she had let herself down, along with her pride and integrity. How could she allow herself to fall for lust, lust over a man she didn't even loved. She despised herself. She was the true coward, not Fenris. She was the idiot.

He walked the dark and silent streets. It's been a while he showed himself outside his mansion doors. He looked around and found that nothing changed, but somehow everything had. He could hear a baby's cry form an open window, the mothers attempt to calm it back to sleep, hushing, singing. In a corner near the Blooming rose stood a elven prostitute, trying to lure men, and woman for that matter, into pleasure with her. Fenris frowned and walked pass her.

It occurred to him that though the streets were as they always been, he never felt at home here before, this was a city he'd stayed in 'cause of Denarius, waiting for his return. He had never thought it could be something else, not ever a temporarily home. The mansion wasn't much to brag about, it had fallen to pieces and he was surprised every time he closed the door and found it still standing, surprised the stairs to the main bedroom didn't collapsed when he walked on it.

But he could find something else, somewhere else to live, another house. Making a home for himself, yes, he would like that.

As he passed the Chantry corner he saw a woman, standing on the stairs to the building, she seemed to freeze, and cry. He knew who it was, she was the reason he got out from his home. He turned into the shadows, didn't want her to see him at once, for a moment uncertain again. Afraid actually. As he stood there, watching, observing, he could feel his heart pounding, his breath leave his chest harder than before. Before his shivering armor would give him away he took some small steps towards her.

As she was standing there, gathering strength to walk back inside, she heard footsteps not far from where she stood, she look up. The silhouette was familiar but she couldn't see who it was 'cause of the dark surrounding. But when the man opened his mouth and said "-Hello, Hawke" she felt a bolt of lightning in her chest, she knew that voice!

As the man approached the light cast by the building she was standing beneath she laid her hand over her mouth, a desperate attempt not to scream out his name.

He walked in front of her, stopped a few inches away and just looked at her. Her eyes flew over his body, didn't know were to attach them, when finally she saw a red ribbon attached on this right hand, she recognized it, it was hers! He'd kept it! Her eyes met his and she could sense his scent, the scent she missed for so long. No words came out of his mouth, he just stood there 'til she finally said -"You're back?"

-"Yes, in fact I've been back for some time…" Hawke dropped her chin…he had what? He saw the confusing in her eyes and continued -"I've been back for 2 months actually" Hawke sensed the anger bubbling inside of her again, but this time she would not, not give into the fury, she took a deep breath and said with low voice -"Why have you not come to me, why have you been hiding?" Fenris looked away, ashamed, again. -"I've….I've seen you with Anders. "Fuck!" What the first thought in Hawke's head, "Fuck"

-"There's noth…." Hawke began but Fenris interrupted her -"I didn't want to show myself, I wanted you to be happy and if I interfered I feared you would only hate me more"

Hawke's muscles tensed. "Hate me more?" She didn't hate him, she loved him, all this time she couldn't think of anything else but his embrace, her body in his arms, his lips and kisses running along her wanting body.

Fenris continued -"I know about you two, I know that you been with him" Hawke's eyes grow double sized, Fenris saw this and said "He's been bragging about it ever since it happened, and I don't need to ask if its true, I can see it in your eyes"

Hawke didn't know what to say, what could she say, she had been with him, slept with him, only once but that was one time too much. Suddenly she felt angry again, really angry -"You show up after 1 year, lecturing me about me sleeping with another man? How dare you?! You left me, remember? I was completely alone with a broken heart and had no one to talk to. And yes, it doesn't mean that I should have bedded him but I did and I regret it deeply in to my core!"

Fenris didn't move a inch, that's not the way he wanted to approach her, it had gone wrong, although he was jealous, he had no right to be. He had walked alone all this months, thinking of her, wanted to come back, explain why he left. When finally returning he'd learned she was with Anders, that fucking mage. He hated him, hated him so deeply for taking his Hawke.

-"I'm sorry…Marian, I'm so sorry."

Had Hawke heard him right? He called her by her first name, he had never done that before.

-"What did you say?"

Fenris took a deep breath and gathered his strength.

-"I'm sorry Marian, I truly am. I should never have left you that night, I should have stayed beside you, woken up the next morning and held you in my arms, telling you that I…I…" He silenced . He cursed himself for being such a fool.

Hawke just looked at him, his face looked hurt, he looked tired. How many times she had longed for him to come back, but if he couldn't say why he'd left she wouldn't let him into her life again, too afraid of getting hurt.

-"Why did you leave Fenris?" Her voice weak and hands trembling.

-"I was a coward."

Oh how she wanted to trough herself into his arms, feel his warm breath in her neck as he kissed her gently, but no, she stood her ground.

-"No, and yes…but why?" she answered.

-"I began to remember, my life before, just flashes. And to have it all come back to me, just for a second and then loose it, it was too much…" "I couldn't tell you, I was afraid you wouldn't understand, calling me weak, toss me away like trash. Although I knew you wouldn't do that, I couldn't find another way than to walk away, and I'm so so sorry for it." His face turned away from her, did she saw tears in his eyes?

-"I've missed you, Marian, you have not left my mind for a second I was away. All I could think of was you, what I wish I had done, and what I want to do with you"

-" And what is that?" Hawke asked and did not have time to catch her breath until Fenris had rushed upon her, pushed her into the door and kissed her, passionate. His hands was all over her, he didn't know were to put them, he wanted all of her, here and now! Hawke's response wasn't instantly, she tensed her body and the memory of him doing this before only to leave her after was disturbingly close. But, Hawke surrendered and let he do what he wanted with her, this time she hoped she wouldn't be sorry for it, how she had longed for his body, his strength and devotion.

He ripped her clothes of, they fell into the cold stairs and she was suddenly freezing, his body wasn't late to replace her naked body with his as he took her into his arms. He held her there for several minutes, just sniffing her scent and feeling her body getting more and more relaxed. -"I want you" he said. -"Now" he lifted her up, carried her to the hay beside the stairs, laid her down and took off his armor, his sword and his leather pants. His length was in full bloom already as he placed one hand on Hawke's small panties, he ripped them of, they were in his way. Hawke moaned and she wanted him inside, now, she couldn't wait any longer, she had been empty for too long. He placed two of his fingers inside her mouth, gently, he felt her tongue playing them around, small bites of love, he smiled. Drew them out and entered her lower place with them. Maker's breath, she was so warm, so wet. He rubbed her gently, didn't want to hurt her, kissed her belly, her breasts and finally he found her lips. His fingers worked carefully inside her, making her body ache for more. In and out, around and around he moved them 'til Hawke moaned for him to take her. She wanted him, he wanted her, so much. He laid down on top of her, stroking her along the side, down to his manhood and helped himself, one thrust and he was in. With loving moves he made love to her, whispering in her ears, silly romantic things, but he meant them. He moved with caution and with every thrust he looked at her, if he hurt her, he was bigger than Anders but Hawke seemed to enjoy all of it. After a while he thought Hawke was costumed to his size and began to thrust harder inside of her, faster, he placed his palms on the ground, her face in the middle, looking her in the eyes and like an animal he fucked her, every thrust deeper than the previous . He had wanted her for so long, now she laid here, naked in front of him, himself inside of her, he wanted to make her his. -"Tell me you want me" he said with a thrust so deep Hawke nearly lost her breath. -"I want you Fenris, I always wanted you, my wolf" -"Tell me that you are mine, only mine" -"I'm yours until the end of times and beyond, Fenris" And with those words he came deep inside of her, one last thrust and he collapsed on top of her.

-"I..I.." his voice broke. "Did I hurt you?"

-"No you didn't, I enjoyed it, I've missed you so much" Hawke smiled. -"What were you going to say Fenris? You…?"

Fenris silenced but knew what his heart wanted to say, what he wanted to say, but nothing came out from his mouth. He rolled over, ashamed again, damn his foolishness. How could he ever live without her, he couldn't. He wanted to be there for her, every day, every night, for as long as he lived. He wanted to wake up every morning beside her, touching her, loving her. He must say it, but what if she didn't felt the same way, what if she only said those things to tease? Never mind, he would bare his heart to her, now or never. He rolled back, looked her into her eyes, gave her a kiss that made her body trembling.

-"I love you, Marian, I do, I love you, And you will be the only woman for me as long as I live, if you will have me back."

Hawke dropped her chin. "Loved her?" She had thought she wasn't good enough for him, that he never loved her, and now he says he do? She felt dizzy but found her place soon enough.

-"Does that mean you forgive me?" she asked.

-"Forgive you? You silly woman, if anyone needs forgiveness its me."

-"I forgive you Fenris. I understand why you left. And I will be yours, you have my heart for eternity.

-"And you have mine, Marian" he said and kissed her sweet lips, only to lay her down again and make love another time.