A/N: This is more a series of drabbles than anything, but they do make a story. I'll try to update often, but I have a lot of other fics I need to get to, too. Hope you enjoy it! Please let me know.
Also, GDI, this storyline with Olivia being raped is really upsetting. :/ I doubt I'll be watching Surrender Benson, and I'll probably have a hard time watching the rest of the season too. Sucks that they had to do this bullcrap right when they make Barba a regular. :( Oh well, at least there's always fanfic.
Nothing exists in Olivia's world but pain.
Bruises, burns, and cuts mar most of her body. The pain makes her muscles clench, makes her want to arch on the stretcher. But that would require her to move, so it's not happening.
She picks up on some of what's going on around her. Cragen, Fin, Amanda, Nick, Munch, and Brian are all there. She hears their voices washing over her, and feels Brian grasp her hand.
She cringes. Is it pain or fear that made her do that? She can't tell anymore. They're both one and the same as far as she's concerned.
Her eyes close. She doesn't care about the instructions to stay awake until she's been checked out by a doctor. What do they know? They don't know how little sleep she's gotten over the last few days, always staying on guard, running on adrenaline and nothing else- and even the adrenaline has worn off by now.
No, she's earned some sleep.
There's only one thing bothering her, but she can't quite place it. The closest she gets is concluding that something's missing.
It doesn't bother her for long; her body finally surrenders as the ambulance starts driving away from Hell on Earth.
Not something, she realizes days later, when she's finally able to think clearly again. Someone.
Sure, Barba isn't exactly a sensitive person, but surely he would come for her?
She asks Cragen the next time he comes. He shakes his head, saying something about a case the temporary squad had been working on with him. Temporary, because all the members of her team are on mental health leave until a psychologist clears them.
For the first time in her career, Olivia asks her captain not to tell her about the cases. He agrees, and they talk about baseball instead.
Even after the case ends, Barba doesn't visit her. Not until the night before she's to be discharged.
He hands her a chocolate bar and a pink rose as he sits in the plastic chair next to the bed. He's clearly been thinking about how to go about this for a while.
She doesn't ask any of the infinite questions on her mind; she just waits.
Barba avoids her gaze, looking at the hospital blanket instead. Olivia doesn't have the energy to be surprised.
"I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can say."
Olivia looks over at him. She doesn't like the guilt on his face, but there's nothing she can do. She's too overwhelmed with her own pain; there's no way she can take on anyone else's.
She doesn't know what to feel when he gets up and leaves without another word. After a few minutes of crushing silence, she decides: nothing.
She rolls to her side and gazes out the window. Nothing in her head flows right. It's like an old, clunky computer; everything is slow and disjointed, and it crashes all the time. She has to navigate carefully to avoid having to reboot herself.
And there's never an ounce of emotion. It's beyond her at this point. She doesn't know when she'll get it back, nor does she know if she wants it. It's much better this way, running on autopilot, able to tell the Queens SVU detectives what had happened without panicking. When the emotions come back, it will be a sign of healing, but it will also bring so much pain. She'd enjoy the painlessness while it lasts.