Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. It belongs to Dr. JRR
Tolkien.
Author's Note:
This parody was inspired by the excellent suspense movie 'Signs'. My goodness, that was a good movie! I'll be having nightmares for months! Since I hope that I've clearly stated that this is a parody, things will be out of place. And I, could not care less if anyone flamed me. I don't know why someone would flame me, and I don't even know why I am writing this. Just to say that it was inspired by 'Signs'. Oops. Just wasted websapce and time. Sorry.
SIGNS
Food. Everywhere. Glorious, rich piles of pork, beef, potatoes, chicken, bread, sauces, cakes, ripe fruits and vegetables, and even pudding. Ale was neatly laid out behind the vast wooden bar. Gleaming tankards shone upon the top shelves. A roaring bush of fire crackled merrily in the stone mantle, and a cauldron of vegetable soup boiled above it. Festive music flowed in the empty hallways and out the window. A crowd of close friends gathered in a dance with a happily drunk Frodo Baggins.
As they danced, an elderly Bilbo Baggins climbed up onto a rickety wooden table and began jumping up and down to get everyone's attention. He smiled cheerfully when the bouncing crowd had stopped dancing and turned to face him quietly.
Bilbo cleared his throat and opened his mouth. Then, he said---
Ring!
Frodo snapped his eyes open. What a lovely dream it had been, except, there weren't any mushrooms, so technically, it wasn't really the perfect dream... oh well. Soft sunlight dawned on his clear face as he flopped over in his feather bed and reached over to answer... the telephone. For some reason, it seemed to be normal to have a telephone in Hobbiton, or even in Middle-earth, for there were no telephone lines ...humph ... must be wireless phones.
"Hello?"
"Frodo!" cried a woeful Peregrin Took, "You have to come here! Quick!"
Frodo slammed the telephone back onto the receiver and leaned his torso out the window, where Pippin stood as he put away a cell phone in the flower garden, watching Meriadoc Brandybuck give Samwise Gamgee a comforting pat on the back.
"What is wrong, Sam?" asked Frodo, leaning more out of the window.
Sam slowly turned around. Crystal tears of horror and mockery filled his eyes. They spilled from his sockets and landed with a splashing thud onto the soil. He pointed a trembling finger down into the flowers. Frodo leaned so far over the sill, that he fell out of the window.
Plunk.
"Ow."
Frodo smelt and tasted the dirt up in his face. Spitting it out, he rose and dust himself off. Then he saw it.
In the yard by yard section of Sam's special flower patch, Niphredil and Elanor stems had been brutally crushed toward the earth, yet the stems hadn't snapped. But how delicate this crime was committed, none of the hobbits pondered. It was the shape of the bent flowers. It wasn't in a shoe print, or a hoof print, or a paw print.
It was a heart.
~*~
"Aragorn, my lord!" sobbed Arwen, shaking her husband frantically, "Please! Rise now!"
Aragorn wearily opened his eyes. His gaze trailed across the petrified look of the Lady, and around the morning kissed bedroom. Out of the open window, he could hear people talking, some were screaming. Swiftly he bound to the window and looked out into his kingdom.
A huge crowd of Men gazed upon a tipsy tower of parchment envelopes that reached almost the brim of the roofs. Some envelopes were white, others blue, and some purple. But most of them were a violent, loud, stunning, shocking---
"Pink." mouthed Aragorn as he caught a salmon letter that had blown away with the breeze, "Why?" he turned to Arwen, who was now trying to see if she could comfortably hide in the bedroom closet, "Why are they pink?"
"That I cannot tell, my lord." she whimpered. She slammed the drawing doors shut and bolted the inside.
Aragorn examined the pink letter cautiously. In purple writing, his name was addressed, decorated with tiny shimmering hearts and stars. Flowery lacing bordered the edge, and inscribed in black down in the bottom left-most corner was 'Arwen is a b***h!'.
"What does this mean?"
~*~
"We cannot hide from this!" boomed Gimli as he watched his best friend Legolas climb a tall tree into the skies, "We should stand against it! It could not be worse than facing the bowels of Mordor."
Legolas scanned the wide gap from his standing perch, ignoring Gimli's suggestion. A large section of Mirkwood's trees had been completely hacked off their stumps. A section in the shape of a five pointed star. Wheeling around at the sound of a fleeing flock of sparrows, he spotted another clearing of cleaved trees.
He turned. And there was another! And another... and another... and another. He was surrounded.
Leaping off the branch, he shook his head at Gimli.
"Perhaps there are things worse," he whispered, beginning to walk away from the terrible sight, "Things much worse than facing the bowels of Mordor."
Gimli paled.
Suddenly, the telephone rang!
Legolas snatched a cordless phone off a hook that was plugged into a tree.
"Suilad."
"Legolas?" came an excited reply out of the ear, "Hey! Pippin here. We've just found the strangest markings in Sam's garden---"
"Were they in the shape of stars?" Legolas asked quickly. Gimli waited eagerly at his heels.
"No.... They were hearts. Five of 'em in fact."
"Five..." His voice drifted off.
Ring! Ring!
Gimli unhooked Legolas' cell phone off the elf's waist. Looking at the tiny screen, he said, "It's a call from Lord Aragorn."
"Answer it." said Legolas, continuing to listen to Pippin's dramatic memory of the morning.
"'Ello?"
"Yes. Greetings, Master Gimli," replied Aragorn, "Have you seen anything strange this morning?"
"Well," drawled Gimli, shifting his weight, "Other than watching King Thranduil drink a cup of decaf coffee, and Legolas answer a phone that was plugged into a tree... yes, I have seen something strange this morning."
"Tell me. What have you sighted?"
"Bits of Mirkwood have been shaved into the shape of stars. Five stars to be precise."
"Strange.... Thank you for informing me of that Master Dwarf, but I must leave you at once. Good day."
Beep.
Gimli snapped Legolas' cell phone shut and handed it back to him. Legolas slipped it back onto his belt and finally hung up on a still chattering Pippin.
"Something is definitely about Middle-earth, Gimli," he sighed, "I hope Mithrandir is somewhere in the area. We could use his counsel at the moment."
---------
How was that? Is this worth continuing? Mention in a review, if you decide to leave one.
Author's Note:
This parody was inspired by the excellent suspense movie 'Signs'. My goodness, that was a good movie! I'll be having nightmares for months! Since I hope that I've clearly stated that this is a parody, things will be out of place. And I, could not care less if anyone flamed me. I don't know why someone would flame me, and I don't even know why I am writing this. Just to say that it was inspired by 'Signs'. Oops. Just wasted websapce and time. Sorry.
SIGNS
Food. Everywhere. Glorious, rich piles of pork, beef, potatoes, chicken, bread, sauces, cakes, ripe fruits and vegetables, and even pudding. Ale was neatly laid out behind the vast wooden bar. Gleaming tankards shone upon the top shelves. A roaring bush of fire crackled merrily in the stone mantle, and a cauldron of vegetable soup boiled above it. Festive music flowed in the empty hallways and out the window. A crowd of close friends gathered in a dance with a happily drunk Frodo Baggins.
As they danced, an elderly Bilbo Baggins climbed up onto a rickety wooden table and began jumping up and down to get everyone's attention. He smiled cheerfully when the bouncing crowd had stopped dancing and turned to face him quietly.
Bilbo cleared his throat and opened his mouth. Then, he said---
Ring!
Frodo snapped his eyes open. What a lovely dream it had been, except, there weren't any mushrooms, so technically, it wasn't really the perfect dream... oh well. Soft sunlight dawned on his clear face as he flopped over in his feather bed and reached over to answer... the telephone. For some reason, it seemed to be normal to have a telephone in Hobbiton, or even in Middle-earth, for there were no telephone lines ...humph ... must be wireless phones.
"Hello?"
"Frodo!" cried a woeful Peregrin Took, "You have to come here! Quick!"
Frodo slammed the telephone back onto the receiver and leaned his torso out the window, where Pippin stood as he put away a cell phone in the flower garden, watching Meriadoc Brandybuck give Samwise Gamgee a comforting pat on the back.
"What is wrong, Sam?" asked Frodo, leaning more out of the window.
Sam slowly turned around. Crystal tears of horror and mockery filled his eyes. They spilled from his sockets and landed with a splashing thud onto the soil. He pointed a trembling finger down into the flowers. Frodo leaned so far over the sill, that he fell out of the window.
Plunk.
"Ow."
Frodo smelt and tasted the dirt up in his face. Spitting it out, he rose and dust himself off. Then he saw it.
In the yard by yard section of Sam's special flower patch, Niphredil and Elanor stems had been brutally crushed toward the earth, yet the stems hadn't snapped. But how delicate this crime was committed, none of the hobbits pondered. It was the shape of the bent flowers. It wasn't in a shoe print, or a hoof print, or a paw print.
It was a heart.
~*~
"Aragorn, my lord!" sobbed Arwen, shaking her husband frantically, "Please! Rise now!"
Aragorn wearily opened his eyes. His gaze trailed across the petrified look of the Lady, and around the morning kissed bedroom. Out of the open window, he could hear people talking, some were screaming. Swiftly he bound to the window and looked out into his kingdom.
A huge crowd of Men gazed upon a tipsy tower of parchment envelopes that reached almost the brim of the roofs. Some envelopes were white, others blue, and some purple. But most of them were a violent, loud, stunning, shocking---
"Pink." mouthed Aragorn as he caught a salmon letter that had blown away with the breeze, "Why?" he turned to Arwen, who was now trying to see if she could comfortably hide in the bedroom closet, "Why are they pink?"
"That I cannot tell, my lord." she whimpered. She slammed the drawing doors shut and bolted the inside.
Aragorn examined the pink letter cautiously. In purple writing, his name was addressed, decorated with tiny shimmering hearts and stars. Flowery lacing bordered the edge, and inscribed in black down in the bottom left-most corner was 'Arwen is a b***h!'.
"What does this mean?"
~*~
"We cannot hide from this!" boomed Gimli as he watched his best friend Legolas climb a tall tree into the skies, "We should stand against it! It could not be worse than facing the bowels of Mordor."
Legolas scanned the wide gap from his standing perch, ignoring Gimli's suggestion. A large section of Mirkwood's trees had been completely hacked off their stumps. A section in the shape of a five pointed star. Wheeling around at the sound of a fleeing flock of sparrows, he spotted another clearing of cleaved trees.
He turned. And there was another! And another... and another... and another. He was surrounded.
Leaping off the branch, he shook his head at Gimli.
"Perhaps there are things worse," he whispered, beginning to walk away from the terrible sight, "Things much worse than facing the bowels of Mordor."
Gimli paled.
Suddenly, the telephone rang!
Legolas snatched a cordless phone off a hook that was plugged into a tree.
"Suilad."
"Legolas?" came an excited reply out of the ear, "Hey! Pippin here. We've just found the strangest markings in Sam's garden---"
"Were they in the shape of stars?" Legolas asked quickly. Gimli waited eagerly at his heels.
"No.... They were hearts. Five of 'em in fact."
"Five..." His voice drifted off.
Ring! Ring!
Gimli unhooked Legolas' cell phone off the elf's waist. Looking at the tiny screen, he said, "It's a call from Lord Aragorn."
"Answer it." said Legolas, continuing to listen to Pippin's dramatic memory of the morning.
"'Ello?"
"Yes. Greetings, Master Gimli," replied Aragorn, "Have you seen anything strange this morning?"
"Well," drawled Gimli, shifting his weight, "Other than watching King Thranduil drink a cup of decaf coffee, and Legolas answer a phone that was plugged into a tree... yes, I have seen something strange this morning."
"Tell me. What have you sighted?"
"Bits of Mirkwood have been shaved into the shape of stars. Five stars to be precise."
"Strange.... Thank you for informing me of that Master Dwarf, but I must leave you at once. Good day."
Beep.
Gimli snapped Legolas' cell phone shut and handed it back to him. Legolas slipped it back onto his belt and finally hung up on a still chattering Pippin.
"Something is definitely about Middle-earth, Gimli," he sighed, "I hope Mithrandir is somewhere in the area. We could use his counsel at the moment."
---------
How was that? Is this worth continuing? Mention in a review, if you decide to leave one.