Sam's Journal
Dean's been gone a week. Seven days. Ten thousand eighty minutes. Each second too long to be spending in hell for me. I can't eat, can't sleep, can't breath, can't even blink for too long or else I see him in hell. Hear him screaming my name. Wish to God or whomever that I could trade places with him. He is the last person that deserves to be in hell. All the good he has done in this world. All the people he has saved. It all just hurts too much to think about, yet I find myself thinking of nothing else except him. The guilt is crushing me. Guilt because it is my fault he is there. In the pit.
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It's been a month. I finally broke down and fell asleep. You start to go crazy the longer you go without sleep. I would have gone to the crossroads too, if Bobby hadn't stopped me by knocking me out. Man has a wicked right hook. Had a bruise on my face for a week and a half. Bobby makes me eat too. Nothing has any taste anymore. I can still picture him inhaling a burger and talking with his mouth open. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about him. I can't make myself say his name anymore, it is just too painful.
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It's been 2 months. I've started hunting again. Once I was able to prove to Bobby that I wasn't going to go off half cocked and make a deal like my brother did. It's different to be hunting alone. Again. Almost like the time I spent when the trickster took him away from me, except this time, there is no hope. He's gone and no amount of wishing is going to bring him back. I miss our talks. Our arguments. Our togetherness. Everything about him. I find it harder to hear his voice, picture his smirk. Going on without him isn't a choice, it is a way of life, one I am finding harder and harder to do.
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It's been 4 months. I met someone, her name is Kristy. She is a nice distraction from missing Dean. I can finally say his name again. I still think about him every day but find that I have to keep on moving. Keep on going. Keep on hunting. Do the things he said to me before the hellhounds got him. God, I still have nightmares about the whole scene and sometimes I swear I can hear him yelling my name. I keep in touch with Bobby and he gives me leads on new hunts. Kristy knows my brother died but doesn't know how. I can't bring myself to tell her, although she does know about the hunting. I wish Dean was around to meet her. I think he would like her, she has spunk.