In Memory of… by Mandarax
Rated T
Summary – When all is said and done, when all the ceremonies are over, Sam has some time to be herself and to be his sister. Slight J/S (because I can't do without), Threads episode tag.
Disclaimer – yes, well, when you get it right, we'll stop writing. Promise. No, I'm not crossing my fingers behind my back. Really.
Author's Note - this might become a series of stories, conversations that Sam has with people around her father's passing and other events related to Threads. I may add in the future, but each will be a stand-alone so I marked the story as complete.
In memory of my dad.
**
She sat in one of the chairs on the porch, a blanket drawn around her shoulders, her arms wrapped around her knees, folded close to her body. She'd been sitting there for what seemed like hours, sipping her chardonnay slowly, holding tightly to the blanket and letting her mind wander.
Out of necessity, they held four different memorial services for Jacob Carter. Her brother and his family came up from San Diego to stay with her for a few days. Selmak and Jacob's Tok'ra allies and friends arrived at the SGC a few days after he passed. Several Jaffa allies arrived with Bra'tac. And then there were General Jacob Carter's friends on Earth.
The first was the Earth ceremony. In a typical Air Force ceremony they buried an empty casket and held a small gathering at her place. It served well to appease her father's many friends and Air Force contacts, as well as her brother and his family. She felt like she'd put up a farce in a ceremony that four years ago would have been exactly what her father wanted, but now was anything but.
The second had been the Jaffa Warrior Burial Ceremony which they held in the Gate room at the SGC. Bra'tac and Teal'c led the ceremony, speaking words of courage and wisdom of their Tok'ra ally who had so often come between his people and the Jaffa and spoke of peace and cooperation. Her father would have appreciated this ceremony.
The third was a simple gathering of Tok'ra who'd come to pay last respects to their colleague. Jacob may not have been held in very high esteem or very trusted within the Tok'ra in the last few years but both he and Selmak had more than their share of friends and allies that came through the gate. The SGC commissary turned into a room of mourning, people of the SGC and Tok'ra alike coming and going, paying their last respects. The way of the Tok'ra would have appealed most to Selmak but she knew it was too quiet, not ceremonial enough for her father.
Finally, the last ceremony they held was the one that had her working to keep her resolve the hardest. It was one she had chosen to perform as a last respect to her father. They gathered, SG1, General Hammond and the rest of the SGC at the Gate room, and without saying much, SG1 carried the casket, the one with her father's body in it, up to the Gate and pushed it through. She'd selected a gate that was out in space, not anywhere near a planet. This ceremony, she knew, both Selmak and her father would have appreciated the most. Both of them would have agreed to spend the rest of eternity in space between Earth, her father's favorite planet, and everywhere else in the galaxy. A symbolic gesture to the alien Selmak and the human Jacob.
When the ceremony ended and everyone went their way, she stayed put by the gate, staring at the ripples of the event horizon, breathing deeply. Her teammates stood quietly by her.
At the end of the day she returned home, to Earth's reality, to her brother and his wife and their two kids, taking up the guest room, Cassandra's room, and the den. She felt the loss of her father as acutely as she felt the loss of her mother, all those years ago. And she had managed to change her life completely in just a few days. Not only she had lost her father, she had broken off her engagement a second time, and she'd lost her teammate and one of her closest friends. Granted, she hadn't let herself mourn him quite yet, not until she was certain this time he wasn't coming back, but still the feelings she'd felt back then, the last time he'd died, returned only to be doubled by the loss of her father. Eventually Daniel did come back and even had his memory, but his second ascending hit too close to home, and her mind was reeling from it.
And on top of it all, she'd managed to disappoint her brother. Mark had hoped that she and Pete would be happy together. She knew that. He hoped that she'd get married, have a life outside the Air Force, have 2.4 kids and a dog, and live in the suburbs in a nice big house with a white picket fence. He wished for it, she knew, wanting his sister to feel the true happiness he felt when he when got married and had kids. She knew Mark understands that while they are cut from the same cloth, they are ultimately very different people with very different definitions of happiness. Still, he had hoped to infuse her with what brought joy to his life – his family. So much for that.
Sighing softly to herself, she took another sip of her wine. If only she could explain to him that their idea of happiness isn't really all that different. It just didn't involve the same man. It didn't involve Pete, like Mark wanted. It involved someone that at this point in her life, she couldn't have. But he could never understand. Not really.
She jumped slightly when a hand landed softly on her shoulder, glancing up.
"Hey sis, you okay?"
The object of her thoughts poured some more wine out of the bottle on the deck beneath her into her glass and then some into his and sat down in the chair next to her.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she said, "Just… thinking."
She wondered if she would ever be able to tell her brother who their father really was. The idea that Pete knew but Mark didn't shook her a little. She wondered if she would have the courage to explain it to him, should the Stargate program ever become public. She hoped she would.
"It's strange, you know," her brother was saying, "we weren't all that close but I feel like there's something missing from my life now."
"I know the feeling," she murmured. "But your relationship with him was better these last couple of years, wasn't it?"
A hint of a smile appeared on his lips. "Yeah, it's like he eased up the past four years since the previous bout of cancer."
If only he knew. "Maybe he understood we're grownups."
Mark took her hand into his and squeezed it. They sat silently together for several minutes.
"He didn't tell me the cancer was back," Mark said suddenly.
She nearly broke and told her brother the whole truth. "I only found out the day before he passed," she said instead.
Mark nodded. They were in the same boat then, neither was able to do anything for their father, he thought. "I realized a couple of days ago that he always came to San Diego to visit. We've never been to his house. I don't even know where my dad lives, or how he lives, if he has any friends or was everything still just Air Force. I know nothing about my father, and now he's gone."
A quiet sob escaped her lips. Yes, when the time comes, she'll have the courage to tell him everything. She'll be able to answer all her brother's questions.
"Sorry," he whispered, "Didn't mean to upset you even more."
She wiped the tears away with the hand he wasn't holding. "Mark, I'm sorry."
And it covered everything – not being able to tell him the truth; not staying with Pete; not being the perfect aunt to his kids; being a brat all those years ago; following in their father's footsteps.
"What for, sis?"
"Disappointing you," she said simply, choosing the easiest and least classified of all to address. "Pete."
He snorted. "To tell you the truth, I wasn't even sure you'd have a second date. I never thought you two would end up getting engaged."
She chuckled softly through unshed tears. "Yeah, me too," she whispered, knowing that she didn't either, but for a boatload of different reasons.
"Sammie, I want you to be happy, and if Pete's not the guy, that's okay. I'm a big boy, I'll live. You couldn't disappoint me if you tried. You have friends who love you and take care of you up here. You have Cassandra to be with you. You sound happy when we talk. I haven't a clue what you do in that mountain but I'm damn proud of you for it, and I'm sure dad was too."
She felt his eyes on her as he pulled his hand into his embrace even further. She looked up at him with teary eyes.
"Thanks, Mark. Means the world to me. Really."
With another squeeze of her hand her let go and stood up. "I've got to put the kids to bed. Just wanted to make sure you're okay, sis."
She nodded. "I will be."
He leaned down and kissed her hair before sliding the porch door open and stepping through it.