Our hearts are infamous for leading us into places we really don't want to
go, places that if we really had the choice to make, we'd avoid. But we
can't tell our hearts what to feel, what to say, or how to react.
Sometimes our hearts can make us feel angry, confused, or miserable. Our hearts also bring us love, tenderness and freedom.
Freedom was something I thought I had, but when you're with someone, in love with them, you're never truly free, no matter how they might make you feel.
"How can this work? How can this happen? You don't even know what you want." Unconsciously he clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to stay calm. "All I want is you. All I'll ever want is you. Can't you see that?" She asked, wanting him, needing him to understand how she felt. "It's not enough."
"You don't want it to be enough. It's everything, but you can't see that. Anyone would think you were blind." Her voice cracked, almost fading at times, tears sparkling in her eyes, threatening to fall.
"If it's so important open my eyes. Show me."
"You won't let me. You say you will but you push me away every time." Her last words silenced him. "You can't seem to let yourself be with anyone."
"How would you know? How can you honestly say that you know?"
"Every time I lose myself, I find myself in you." Her voice was sad, pleading.
"I don't even know what you want from me."
"You missed the whole point." She said bitterly, trying to quell the tears that still threatened to fall. "What will happen if I leave you? Who will save you from yourself? Where will you go to hide from your own reflection?"
"Who said I need to hide?" He challenged her.
"I can see it in your eyes. When you've driven away everyone who cares, you'll be alone. Alone is worse than hiding, especially the way that you're trying to be alone."
"What do you know about being alone?" He snapped, his arguments becoming less and less plausible.
"You're afraid of me. I know who you really are." As she spoke he made the mistake of looking into her eyes, like chocolate brown oceans, filled with pain, and at once he felt like he was drowning in their depths.
"Who am I then? Can you tell me that?"
"I don't need to. You see who you are whenever you look in the mirror. You see who you are when you look at me. All I am is a reflection of you." As she spoke she knew that her words rang true, like the most pure and true notes in a perfect song, one after another.
"That's not true. It's not." He insisted.
"Look at me, damn it, look at me! I'm offering you everything I have, I'll fight your battles with you, I'll stand by you when no one else will. You don't need any one to hold your hand, if you'll let me, no one will ever need to, because I'll never let go. Regardless of what you think, and what you choose, you'll have all of that anyway. I've given myself to you, and for some stupid reason I keep right on giving. I love you so much I can't stop. I can't remember what it's like not to love you. Tell me whatever you have to, do whatever you have to, but after all of the years of your life have passed you by I'll still be right here beside you, always willing to hold your hand." Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she spoke.
"How can you promise that?"
"I can promise that because I'm so much in love with you that I can't see straight." She said, her voice strained, and full of pain. "I don't think I even want to anymore."
"How can you be in love with me? I don't even know what to say to you. I barely even know who you are."
"Look inside yourself, if you look hard enough, you'll find me there. It's where I found you."
I remember drowning in his eyes then, knowing how much I wanted him to stay, and feeling that little twist in my gut, that little twinge that you only realize afterwards is actually fear. Every fibre of my being screamed at me to throw myself into his arms and beg him to tell me that everything would be all right, as he had so many times before. The room fell silent then, and all she could do was drown in his eyes, until he looked away, and all I could see was a photograph, him looking over with such profound adoration and tenderness that she almost began to cry again, blinking back the tears until he spoke again.
"I don't understand this. I don't want to."
"Then walk away from me. Pretend I never existed if I mean that little to you." She watched as his muscles contracted, and then released, like he was going to leave, but changed his mind. "You can't walk away from part of yourself, can you?" She said to him, glad that he'd been unable to leave.
"I can't do this, whatever 'this' is." With those words he walked away, leaving her standing there all alone, tears trickling down her cheeks.
Now, when I think back, I can still hear our voices, feel the flood of emotions that we both let loose. I'm still alone, I don't think I will ever truly get over him. I feel as though he's spoiled me for any other man, and that's my curse for loving him.
In hindsight though I know that I don't regret on day of loving him, not one moment.
For me all that mattered was that we were together, and even though we didn't work out I know that I gave him my flesh, and blood, and body, and soul, everything I had to give.
When I left him, I felt like I was dying, like I just couldn't breathe, the world was collapsing around me. I don't feel that way as much any more. I know now that I don't have to be with him in order for the sun to rise, or the tide to run in and out.
I've made it through all of that. Or I should probably say I'm making my way through all of that. Fact is, I'm here and I can deal with anything life throws my way. Sometimes I can close my eyes and manage not to see his face, or I can look around at the people on the street and stop seeing his face, hearing his voice amid the other people.
My heart is open now. I'm living, and breathing now. I'm feeling again. I don't want the fairy tale ending anymore. I just want to live.
Sometimes our hearts can make us feel angry, confused, or miserable. Our hearts also bring us love, tenderness and freedom.
Freedom was something I thought I had, but when you're with someone, in love with them, you're never truly free, no matter how they might make you feel.
"How can this work? How can this happen? You don't even know what you want." Unconsciously he clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to stay calm. "All I want is you. All I'll ever want is you. Can't you see that?" She asked, wanting him, needing him to understand how she felt. "It's not enough."
"You don't want it to be enough. It's everything, but you can't see that. Anyone would think you were blind." Her voice cracked, almost fading at times, tears sparkling in her eyes, threatening to fall.
"If it's so important open my eyes. Show me."
"You won't let me. You say you will but you push me away every time." Her last words silenced him. "You can't seem to let yourself be with anyone."
"How would you know? How can you honestly say that you know?"
"Every time I lose myself, I find myself in you." Her voice was sad, pleading.
"I don't even know what you want from me."
"You missed the whole point." She said bitterly, trying to quell the tears that still threatened to fall. "What will happen if I leave you? Who will save you from yourself? Where will you go to hide from your own reflection?"
"Who said I need to hide?" He challenged her.
"I can see it in your eyes. When you've driven away everyone who cares, you'll be alone. Alone is worse than hiding, especially the way that you're trying to be alone."
"What do you know about being alone?" He snapped, his arguments becoming less and less plausible.
"You're afraid of me. I know who you really are." As she spoke he made the mistake of looking into her eyes, like chocolate brown oceans, filled with pain, and at once he felt like he was drowning in their depths.
"Who am I then? Can you tell me that?"
"I don't need to. You see who you are whenever you look in the mirror. You see who you are when you look at me. All I am is a reflection of you." As she spoke she knew that her words rang true, like the most pure and true notes in a perfect song, one after another.
"That's not true. It's not." He insisted.
"Look at me, damn it, look at me! I'm offering you everything I have, I'll fight your battles with you, I'll stand by you when no one else will. You don't need any one to hold your hand, if you'll let me, no one will ever need to, because I'll never let go. Regardless of what you think, and what you choose, you'll have all of that anyway. I've given myself to you, and for some stupid reason I keep right on giving. I love you so much I can't stop. I can't remember what it's like not to love you. Tell me whatever you have to, do whatever you have to, but after all of the years of your life have passed you by I'll still be right here beside you, always willing to hold your hand." Tears flowed freely down her cheeks as she spoke.
"How can you promise that?"
"I can promise that because I'm so much in love with you that I can't see straight." She said, her voice strained, and full of pain. "I don't think I even want to anymore."
"How can you be in love with me? I don't even know what to say to you. I barely even know who you are."
"Look inside yourself, if you look hard enough, you'll find me there. It's where I found you."
I remember drowning in his eyes then, knowing how much I wanted him to stay, and feeling that little twist in my gut, that little twinge that you only realize afterwards is actually fear. Every fibre of my being screamed at me to throw myself into his arms and beg him to tell me that everything would be all right, as he had so many times before. The room fell silent then, and all she could do was drown in his eyes, until he looked away, and all I could see was a photograph, him looking over with such profound adoration and tenderness that she almost began to cry again, blinking back the tears until he spoke again.
"I don't understand this. I don't want to."
"Then walk away from me. Pretend I never existed if I mean that little to you." She watched as his muscles contracted, and then released, like he was going to leave, but changed his mind. "You can't walk away from part of yourself, can you?" She said to him, glad that he'd been unable to leave.
"I can't do this, whatever 'this' is." With those words he walked away, leaving her standing there all alone, tears trickling down her cheeks.
Now, when I think back, I can still hear our voices, feel the flood of emotions that we both let loose. I'm still alone, I don't think I will ever truly get over him. I feel as though he's spoiled me for any other man, and that's my curse for loving him.
In hindsight though I know that I don't regret on day of loving him, not one moment.
For me all that mattered was that we were together, and even though we didn't work out I know that I gave him my flesh, and blood, and body, and soul, everything I had to give.
When I left him, I felt like I was dying, like I just couldn't breathe, the world was collapsing around me. I don't feel that way as much any more. I know now that I don't have to be with him in order for the sun to rise, or the tide to run in and out.
I've made it through all of that. Or I should probably say I'm making my way through all of that. Fact is, I'm here and I can deal with anything life throws my way. Sometimes I can close my eyes and manage not to see his face, or I can look around at the people on the street and stop seeing his face, hearing his voice amid the other people.
My heart is open now. I'm living, and breathing now. I'm feeling again. I don't want the fairy tale ending anymore. I just want to live.