Please be kind in your reviews, because this story is based on inner thoughts I have had during intoxication. I just decided to have Levi live through them. Also, if you review and favorite this story, I promise to check out your stories...so please do so!
I began shaking. Trembling, shivering. Cold thoughts scattered through my brain, the evil embracing my mind. I couldn't control it, but I wanted to so badly.
The more I sipped, the more my body yearned to be damaged.
I look down at all the bottles I have destroyed. Liquor still seeping down my mouth, my vision becoming deeply blurred within every blink. Heavy breathing ensued, but it didn't bother me...
It didn't bother me that I could barely breathe.
I hate living like this. I despise it. I know it's selfish because I know everyone feels the same way, so what makes me so different?
Because I am weak. I am not strong-willed like everyone thinks I am and how I even portray myself. It is not joyous being a loner. Petra was my only love, and even then, I ignore embraces and touches from her. I was evil without being intoxicated.
I was evil within unfortunate choice.
I didn't like it, I was just used to it. It was hard to grasp affection when it headed my way. There were moments I even yearned for it, but I was like a mere baby unable to walk. I was naïve to the emotion.
Maybe it was Petra's fathers blessing that he wanted us to marry that led me to think I don't deserve infatuation and anything that came along with it.
No...
in fact...
Eren..was it you?
16 beer cans and 5 whiskey bottles down.
It's not over, I need more.
I only have 1 more whiskey bottle left. I need to make it count.
But I keep hearing his voice. This insanely young but deepened voice that I'm all too familiar with. It rung through my ears reaching the walls of my dirty empty room.
"There's no time to figure out if this the right thing to do!
Just move..
Don't try to keep your hands clean.
That's right..
The world is cruel."
It pierced through my brain. His naïve stupid self...how is he so naïve but gives off such incredible knowledge and strength? So admirable...
No, no. Levi, this is insanity. Fuckin' stupid, even. Your cheeks are getting hot. Get ahold of yourself!
Oh but I suppose I can't even control myself whilst being this intoxicated...
...where are my pills? I need them. Yes, that's right. Maybe I will think clearly. I popped about 20 pills but it's not working. I still feel pain.
God, I hate being alive. I don't enjoy living like this, I know we all don't! Constantly worrying if Titans will come after us. Constantly fighting against the Titans first, for I was part of the Survey Corps. I'm tired of seeing people die. Yes, at first I kept going on about how everyone ends up dying anyways. But not like this...
...how did we all deserve to live like this?
Why did we have to become Titan fodder?
Day in and day out...it's the same life over and over again!
Pain in my heart, it aches. My brain is pounding.
Eren how can you stay so joyous and optimist with all the hurt around us?
"I want to see and understand the world outside! I don't want to die inside these walls without knowing what's out there!"
Lemme pop some more pills. My vision seems beautiful, I see so many wonderful colors. The walls are spiralling. I like this world better...
I shuffled my feet towards the bathroom, and I see my bathtub all romantically set.
Ah yes, yes. They were romantically set for you, Eren. Rose petals against the water, candles along the sides of the tub. The scent of the room was bursted with apple and cinnamon. Was trying to through in a little spice for you.
I was going to confess my love for you.
We aren't dating, but I know you were curious about me. I saw how you trembled around me. Whether because you were intimidated or infatuated, I'll never know.
Either way, I knew I intrigued you so deeply.
You shook every time I whispered Titan tactics to you. Every time I held your hand down when you wanted to brutally take Titans head on, you froze and became warm within my touch. Every time I looked in your eyes, you were able to steadily look straight at my own. But once you did, you were locked.
You were smiling every time you saw me.
Your eyes widened when someone spoke my name.
You blushed when I spoke of your own name, resulting in you stammering and saying "Levi, don't say my name like that. It's not appropriate ."
Why was it not appropriate, Eren?
Are you scared? I'm scared too...
The Survey Corps and everyone along the Military would never agree to such passion such as ours.
But what a fucking fool I am, I realized too late. You gave me all the signs. I just kept continuing to convince myself that I wasn't worthy of love. I did not even feel worthy for Petra. Her death hurt deeply, but I was not in love.
But Eren, if I ever saw you get killed or eaten by a Titan...
...the thought was un-fucking-bearable.
Keep popping those pills, Levi. You aren't insane, yet. Keep swallowing 'till you are insane.
I yearned for physical movements from you, Eren. I hunger for those smooth, creamy lips to be placed against my jagged lips. My hands wanted to caress your hair, your body. I wanted you behind closed doors. I wanted us to be private, secluded. I wanted to hear your voice stretch through the roofs when I delivered my show of pleasure inside of you. I wanted your body to tremble against mine. Can Mikasa do that?
Can Mikasa fucking do that?
I see a knife...it's near the sink...but how? That's unfortunately convenient.
Oh Eren, if you were here, we'd be having warm touches against our skins.
But no, you chose Mikasa over me. Therefore, I will have cold sensations strike through me. This knife will do, the metal is frozen and quite sharp. I'm excited for the slices.
How could you suddenly decide that you loved Mikasa? Oh, because you confessed to you first?
Would you have said you loved me if I confessed first?
No, you crude, selfish human. You were too EMBARRASSED. You didn't want to get in TROUBLE. You didn't want to feel dirty and horrible and gross for loving the opposite sex.
I landed the knife down to my skin, and I expected to feel cold as I began to cut...but I felt so..
...
...warm...
I must keep going...it feels so good...
Slice. Slice. Slice.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
My arms and legs are now decorated with nice, gorgeous cuts.
Eren, you could have made me feel this good.
But maybe this is my fault...I never got to tell you I loved you...
Oh I don't know what to think. Oh dear, is the Acid kicking in?
Ah, I didn't get to finish the last whiskey bottle, half-way done!
I drank and I drank and I drank as blood continuously poured out of my cuts. I am going to pop one more pill, I promise! It just all feels so wonderful.
I'm growing tired though, maybe I should lie in the bathtub to soothe myself.
As I stepped into the tub, I wished you were in there with me. Images of us kissing and embracing flooding into my brain. Nobody else is like you. Nobody else is as courageous and strong and uplifting as you. You're stronger than I will ever be. Maybe that's why you chose Mikasa. She is extremely tough, I'm deeply weakened within the inside.
The water was burning my cuts, but as warm as the water was, it was making me grow even more tired.
...
...ah, I understand.
...
I'm dying. I was too intoxicated to realize how stupid it was to keep furthering my intoxication. I'm extremely drugged up and looped out, but I can finally feel me dying.
I like it though, I like this feeling. As if a huge weight off my shoulders are being lifting from my body.
How wonderful though, to die this way. What a lovely death chamber I created for myself, without realization. What was supposed to be a romantic night turned out to be a death chamber full of rose petals.
How dramatic. How wonderful.
I would love to die...
...die this way...
I laid my head back...I'm ready to be taken...
My...breaths...are...
...slowly...
...stopping...
My vision is completely blackened. I became deaf.
But I heard you...but you weren't...in my thoughts.
You sounded near.
I hear you screaming bloody murder, but I don't know what you're saying.
I hear the door knocking. Is that you trying to break down the door to rescue me? I can't seem to move, or care...
My vision returned for a bit, but barely...and that's when I saw you kick the door down with maximum force. You were always so sexy when you were determined, you know...
"YOU FUCKING FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Mikasa was behind you as you ran through the bathroom. You fuckin' disgust me. How could you bring the one person that ruined everything for me...
I tried to say your name, but I gurgled. I was too drugged and intoxicated to speak proper words.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?!"
You looked deeper around the bathtub, and you saw that it wasn't set up how it normally was. You saw how special this was set up.
"Why is your bathtub like this?! Levi, PLEASE try to answer!"
How come you care about me now, huh?
"Did you make this for someone? Was it Sasha?"
I shook vigorously, my whole body felt demented. Are you really truly that naïve, Eren? Are you? I looked at him uneasy, and then...
...that's when I felt the tears.
My tears just began falling intensively down my cheeks, and you began to look horrified.
"Y...oyuuuu...youuuuuu're so ..." I managed to say. My mouth is tightened, I feel the saliva raising up my throat.
"W-what?"
"Eren...I...I think he made this for you..." Mikasa chimed with deep sadness.
I see it now. I see the light.
I furthered my head back to prepare to fly away.
Tears kept creeping down,
blood kept seeping through.
And then I smiled.
I was able to feel deeply embraced with you before I departed.
"LEVI! PLEASE! WE GOTTA TAKE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL!" I see you are the one who is developing the tears now.
No. I want to leave this planet...
"Levi, PLEASE! We're going to get you to a hospital and get you cleaned, and you will heal! I'll help you! I love you too, Levi! I'm so sorry! I-I-I don't know what to say just PLEASE STAY WITH ME! WE CAN GO ON AND LIVE AND LOVE WITH EACH OTHER! I DON'T CARE IF ANYONE FINDS OUT! I DON'T CARE IF THEY SARCRIFICE ME TO THE TITANS FOR DECLARING MY LOVE! I WANT YOU, LEVI! PLEASE, I'M TAKING YOU TO THE HOSPITAL!"
I heard Mikasa cry softly. That is more emotion than I have ever seen her give...
I felt him raising me up from the bathtub, holding me as if I was a damsel in distress, but my hand touched his shoulder and it stopped him with a wince.
"I...I am happy now...I don't feel pain..."
"NO, STOP IT! OKAY WE ARE GETTING YOU OUT OF HERE! MIKASA, LET'S GO!"
Ahhhh there, the light brightened...
I'm ready...
"Levi, how could you do this to yourself?! You're so broken all because of me! I can't see you die like this!"
"People do crazy things when they're in love..."
Those words left my mouth so clearly, and that was the final thing I was able to say.
A few more seconds until my breath completely stopped.
I felt him clenching on my body as he ran out of the house and headed for the hospital.
I'll let naïve little Eren realize on his own that there was no use once he reaches there.
After all, I did say his ambition and optimism was what I found admirable about him...
My breath...
...I let out one final breath...
...it was amongst his chest, ah it feels warm.
I feel squeezing me tightly, deeply.
Lovingly.
It feels...
...warm...
...
...and I am happy.
Okay sorry for creeping anyone of you out, but to be truthful, like I said, these are things I go through whenever I become deeply intoxicated after having a hurtful day. I have never done drugs, but the emotions I poured out onto here were based on true feelings. I haven't drank much because of that, and I just wanted to be true and show everyone what alcohol, drugs, and cutting can do to you.
Also, everyone, please never kill yourself over someone. Life is so much more beautiful than that. I almost took my own life a few years ago just because I was heartbroken, and thank goodness that I never did. I have learned how insanely stupid it would have been if I did that, I would have left all the people that loved me and many other things.
Review and favorite this you guys! I will feel much appreciated. Love you all!