Old habits die hard for Kathryn

It was nearly nine months before life got back to normal for Kathryn Janeway. If normal meant trying to be in five different places at once. It seemed Starfleet's newest star Admiral was still very popular even nine months after getting her crew home. Luckily they had enough sense to give her a Vulcan aide who was able to keep her head on straight most of the time.

When Kathryn looked over her schedule this morning and discovered that she had 3 meetings she needed to be at all at or near the same time a thought crossed her mind. Since it wasn't fair that she go to one and not the other two, even though they were equally important, why not just not go to all three? Glancing out her office window, Kathryn found the temptation to blow off her morning schedule even harder to resist. It was the first full day of pure sunshine after almost a week worth of rain and clouds.

So she decided to play hokey for a day. Telling her aide not to disturb her unless the Borg suddenly showed up again, Kathryn made her way out of her building and into downtown San Francisco before she could have any second thoughts.

The first thing she wanted was a cup of real coffee, the next thing was to sit outside and enjoy the morning sun. So she quickly headed to her favorite café, which was conveniently (or inconveniently depending on how she looked at it) only a block away.

The baristas knew Kathryn well since she frequented the place on the way to work. "It's a little late for you to be coming in, isn't?" one of them asked as they brewed up a fresh pot of regular coffee just for her.

Kathryn shrugged. "It's nice day out," she said simply. She took her coffee and sat outside. For a while she sipped her coffee in peace and people watched. Surprisingly, she was able to avoid thinking about work. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the midmorning sun making its way through the tall buildings.

"Kathryn?" She knew that voice. She opened her eyes and twisted around in her seat to see Chakotay standing a few feet away.

"Chakotay!" Kathryn stood up and walked up to him. She didn't know whose decision it was but they were both hugging before she knew what was happening. "Can you stay? Why don't you grab a cup of something and sit with me?"

"Sure." He went inside and quickly emerged with a cup of something that smelled a lot like the herbal tea he used to drink with her on Voyager. He sat down next to her.

"Is that tea you're drinking?"

"Yes. I'm trying a green tea this time though." He took the top of his cup and blew on the tea.

"Too hot?"

"Yeah. Guess I'm not used to real tea."

"Even after nine months of being home?"

"I'm mostly replicating my tea from home."

Kathryn smiled. "I can't stand replicated coffee anymore. It has to be real. And fresh if possible."

Chakotay laughed, his dimples showing. "I bet. Coffee habit still going strong though?"

"Depends on what you mean by strong. I'm actually down to three cups a day because I just won't drink that replicated stuff anymore."

"Oh? Well, I think that's cutting back for you isn't it?" They both shared a laugh.

And then Chakotay asked the one question Kathryn was hoping he wouldn't ask. Hoping, but also knowing he was going to ask it eventually…"Why haven't we seen you Kathryn? Most of the crew stays in touch and those who can make it have been meeting once a month at Tom's."

"I can't make it. I've been busy." Which was mostly true. Her schedule had been pretty crazy.

"Oh. For nine months straight?"

"Yes."

"Well then why are you here instead of work then?"

Kathryn looked Chakotay straight in the eye and told him the truth. "Playing hokey. It was too nice out for me to spend the whole day indoors."

"I see…" There was an almost uncomfortable silence between them but Chakotay spoke again before Kathryn could say anything. "Why didn't you just 'play hokey' once and come out to Tom's then?"

"I said… I was busy…" Kathryn couldn't look Chakotay in the eye anymore.

"Spirits, Kathryn! You know as well as I do that we're in charge of our schedules, not the other way around. I mean Starfleet Command practically sat us down the moment we got home and told us! I'm only teaching one class instead of the normal three; Tom and B'Elanna are still taking family leave and spending it with Miral – I mean when was the last time you even saw Miral?" When she didn't answer, Chakotay repeated the question. "When was the last time you saw Miral, Kathryn?"

…"Maybe …a month …after we got back, I don't know. It might have been two," she finished weakly, still addressing the ground.

Chakotay sighed. "She's gotten so big you know." He took her hand in his, which caused her to look up at his face. The warm feeling of his hand on hers transported her to a happier time almost six years ago. "What's the real reason why you won't come out?" he asked her.

She thought it over for a minute, or pretended to think. She knew the real reason why she didn't bother meeting up with the crew, but felt ashamed to tell Chakotay. She still let him hold her hand but shifted in her seat.

"Kathryn?" he asked gently.

"I guess… I didn't think they wanted the captain who stranded them in the Delta Quadrant with them to ruin all their fun…"

"Oh Kathryn!" He sighed again, but softer than the last time. "Do you still see yourself like that? What about the woman who got us home and dealt the Borg a blow at the same time?"

"That was just luck. If my future-self hadn't come…"

"You would have still found a way on your own, Kathryn. The whole crew knew that's what you wanted more than anything… They saw how hard you worked…Why… Why are you the only one who still brings up the past?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean, Kathryn. The guilt, the isolation… the depression. I thought you beat it!"

Kathryn sighed. "I thought so too, Chakotay, really I did. I thought solving the crisis with the Malon and getting out of that Void… but I guess-

"I guess you're just really good job hiding it then," Chakotay said softly. He stroked her hand gently and scooted his chair closer to hers.

She nodded slowly, not quite looking at Chakotay but not looking at the ground either. "Just… it seems like after we got home… it was a 'good job, here's your promotion'… You know I wasn't even considering that they would promote me so suddenly. I thought I might be able to stay on as Voyager's captain for a while longer."

"We were all thrust into this other life suddenly. I think all of us had gotten used to Voyager being home. Even Harry."

Kathryn couldn't help but chuckle at that. "You know I still remember his little speech when the admiral came aboard."

Chakotay was silent for a moment before he spoke again. "Most of the crew viewed Voyager the same way as Harry did, Kathryn. You're not just some captain who stranded them across the galaxy. I know a lot of the younger crewmembers view you as a second mother. Look at B'Elanna…"

Kathryn closed her eyes and leaned back; her hand slipped from Chakotay's. Instead she started to rub her forehead absentmindedly and sighed loudly. "I know…I know. But…what do I do now Chakotay? I'm at this point where I know what I'm thinking is wrong, but I can't help think it."

"You could always get counseling. No one would know about it."

She sat up and looked at Chakotay again. His suggestion was one she considered at times before but never really got around to making an appointment. "Maybe. I've thought about it before but never really wanted to admit to myself that I needed it…. Because… you know…, I honestly thought I did pretty well on Voyager without a ship's counselor on board."

"You did… when there was something do. You had to keep busy."

Kathryn couldn't look Chakotay in the eye. She took a sip of her coffee, now lukewarm. "You're right," she finally admitted.

There was a lull in conversation before Chakotay spoke again. "Kathryn?"

"Hmm?"

"I think I know why you've been so busy then. It's like on Voyager, you need to be busy. You can't seem to give yourself anytime to breath or think-"

"Because then I just think about how unhappy I've been. Or I spend too much time regretting the past…." She sighed. "Makes sense, Chakotay… Sometimes I hate how you know me too well," Kathryn said lightheartedly.

He smiled a little. "Seven years by your side. You better hope I know you too well, Kathryn." Then he got up. "Come on."

"Where?"

"We're going to see Tom and B'Elanna. I want you to see how Miral is doing."

Kathryn didn't get up from her seat. "But what about work?"

"What did you tell your aide so you could slip out here?"

"That I didn't want to be disturbed unless the Borg suddenly showed up again."

Chakotay chuckled. "I'm sure that gives you enough time for lunch with Tom and B'Elanna."

"I don't want to impose on them."

"I was going to have lunch with them anyways. They'll be thrilled to have you come over. It's no problem, Kathryn."

She stood up and hugged Chakotay. He was a little surprised at first but then enveloped her in a bear hug.

When they finally let go of each other, they were both smiling. Chakotay's dimples were flashing. He took both their cups and threw them away. "Let's go." He offered his arm.

Kathryn started to laugh. "Chakotay, where would I be with out you? It's not even your job anymore and you're still my rock," she asked as she took it. Their hands naturally fell into each other's.

Chakotay studied Kathryn for a moment before putting some of her stray hair behind her ear. "I'll always be your rock Kathryn." He kissed her gently on her cheek. "Even when Starfleet doesn't pay me to."

Kathryn put her other hand on Chakotay's chest, just like she used to. His heart was beating faster, but neither of them pretended to notice. She stood up on her tippy toes and whispered into Chakotay's ear, "Why don't we have lunch just the two of us? We can always visit Tom and B'Elanna some other time. I'm sure they'll understand when you say you're with me."

There was a little twisted smile on her face when Chakotay looked at her with disbelief. When he realized she was serious, he kissed her again. Only this time it was on the lips. He started lightly, afraid he was going to fast, but she was fine with his kiss. More than fine actually. When they broke the kiss several moments later, he was amazed. "I think both of us… really wanted… that," he managed to get out. "I –I –I can always visit Tom and B'Elanna for lunch next week."

Kathryn's smile grew. "Come on then." This time she took his arm and led the way. They went to her small apartment because it was closer than his place. Both were eager to continue on the path that they started together so long ago but were unable to resume it because of their duty to their ship. Today was going to be a day that neither of them forgot for a long time.