This one had been written long before the "Christmas" series. But I only post it now as the mood is totally different from the two previous fics. In the beginning I just thought of a couple of remarks the guys could make while asked "what if you were..." and then I went on and on and... it became this little silly chapter hereunder. I hope you will like it anyway. Please let me know. And if you find a few mistakes or errors, my apologies as this one has not been B-R'd. Thanks again for taking the time to R&R. Warm regards, P5.
If You Were...
Prolixius5, Xmas2009
SH * SH * SH * SH * SH * SH *SH * SH * SH *SH * SH * SH *SH * SH * SH *
Stakeouts could be very boring. They knew. For sure. That's why they had always preferred to hit the streets and run after the bad guys. Even if that meant being a lot more exposed to danger. Sometimes.
This time, they had been waiting for more than two hours. It was past midnight. Earlier that evening, Starsky had been devouring two large hamburgers and a very large portion of fries; as a result, he was now yawning every five minutes, trying to digest this royal feast. And his partner was beginning to feel a bit irritated.
"Stop it!"
"Stop whaaaat?" the brunette unable to contain another big yawn.
"If you go on yawning like that, I'm gonna fall asleep too! Why don't you go and lie down on the back seat and take a nap. I'll wake you if something comes up... But I don't think they will show up tonight."
"...'kay." replied the brunette in a tired tone, while first stretching his arms extensively and crawling on the back seat, unintentionally kicking the blonde's ear with one if his blue Adidas.
"Hey, watch out!"
"Sorry, Buddy... Wake me up in case of war declaration only, awright?"
"Yeah, sure." mumbled Hutch.
Starsky tried to make himself comfortable on the back seat of Hutch's LTD. Even if it was a bit more spacious than his beloved Torino, he found it difficult to find the right position to try and get some rewarding sleep.
Hutch grabbed the thermos and poured himself a large dose of the strong black coffee he had prepared before leaving his place and pick up his partner.
During the following twenty minutes, the blonde heard his partner mumble, turn every five minutes, unable to find a suitable position to rest. Finally, Starsky raised and sat up. A long sigh emanated from him and Hutch could smell the vapors of what his friend had been eating earlier that night.
After at least the tenth profound sigh, Starsky watched Hutch in the rear-view mirror.
"Hey, I got an idea, shall we play a game? I need to find a way to make time pass more quickly. I'm really getting so bored I could almost quit on this assignment."
"What game?"
"Truth or Dare?"
"Nope. We've done that one already... Starsk... you know I don't like your games. You have a genetically incurable tendency to cheat."
"Who? Me?"
There was some childish incredulity in Starsky's voice.
"Okay, what kinda game?"
"Huh... let me think..." Starsky frowned for a brief moment.
"Don't! Be kind to your neurones!"
"Very funny... OK, I got it. It's called If I were, you know, Chinese portraits?..."
"Sounds weird already."
"C'mon, be a sport. Besides, it's this or hearing me snoring for the rest of the night!"
"OK, let's play your game." Hutch replied swiftly.
Starsky was fully awake now, secretly rejoicing at the idea of the funny moments coming ahead.
"I'll start." claimed the brunette.
"Why you?"
"Because I thought of it first." replied Starsky with a quick sharp tone. "Huh, let's see... if you were... a season, which one would it be?"
Hutch thought for a few seconds.
"I guess I'd be Spring."
"Why?"
"Because it's the season when everything is brand new. Nature creates miracles. Too bad we are not enjoying it as we should. We are passing by without opening our eyes to-"
"Wow wow wow, stooop! It's supposed to be a game, not a philosophy class. Right? We are supposed to enjoy ourselves."
"Sorry." Hutch humbly replied.
"Your turn."
Hutch was searching for his first question. Starsky was fidgeting around on the back seat.
"If it takes you that long to find each next question, it'll be breakfast time soon." Starsky said, waiting now impatiently to hear what Hutch would ask.
"Stop thinking about food, will ya?" Then the idea popped up. "OK, Let's play it your way. If you were a delicate meal, what would it be? And forget about hamburgers and burritos, for a change! Try to pick up something more ... civilized."
Starsky smiled and remembered what he had told one of his girlfriend's who was questioning his eclectic tastes.
"Easy, that would be a filet mignon. And a good French wine."
Hutch stared at his friend in the rear-view mirror.
"I'd like to see that some time! ... Your turn."
"If you were a color?"
"That'd be blue. Because of the ocean."
Starsky was waiting for one more intricate explanation from the Blonde and knew he did not have t ask to get it.
"Huh...When I retire from this line of work, I think I'm gonna buy me a little boat, if I can afford it and sail. Well, it's just a dream, really, but if I had the chance..."
"Would you take me as first officer?" Starsky asked in a very polite and childish way.
"If you behave yourself."
"What it that supposed to mean?"
"You know the quote: "one woman in each harbor." You would not be able to refraining from leaving broken hearts behind everywhere we go."
"Speak for yourself, Blondie. OK, my turn."
"See, you're already cheating. Next question is for me to ask."
"That's what I said. My turn to answer."
"That's right! Let's see... if you were ... an animal?"
"Definitely a feline."
"Like a cat?"
"More like a panther, if you don't mind."
"I don't, it's just that..."
"What now?"
"Nothing. But they only eat meat, no donuts or stuff like that. Besides they don't necessarily eat every day. You're sure you'd go along with this diet?" Hutch seemed to be very amused by his own last remark.
"I'd adapt!" Starsky replied in a convincing tone, not willing to concede any point to his partner on a game he had initiated.
"I'd like to see that." mumbled Hutch for himself.
"What's that you're saying?"
"Nothing. Your turn..."
"Huh...If you were... an element?"
"An element?"
"Yeah you know earth, fire, ... which one would you pick up?"
"I'd say air." the blonde replied.
"I would have thought water, ... you know, because of the ocean."
"I'd prefer air. No limit, no border, no change of substance like water becoming ice."
"But air can become a tornado, right, Blond Blintz?"
"I guess so. OK, next."
Suddenly Hutch smiled when a thought crossed his mind.
"If you were a vegetable?"
Starsky choked.
"A vegetable? Forget it! No way. Except maybe an onion, if there is a burger next to it."
"That's grouse, Starsk."
"You mean that sucks, next time, pick up something less stupid."
"Sorry." replied the Blonde with a big smile.
He had not abandon the idea to have Starsky change his regular burger-onion burrito-candy bar diet for some more balanced and nutritious food. Starsky seemed to be a lost hope but still the blonde wanted to remain optimistic. He was sure Starsky's stomach would certainly have him pay some day anyway for the torture it had endured.
The brunette thought about the next question and put a mischievous smile on his face.
"What if you were a sin, Hutch?"
"A sin?"
"Yeah, you know, pick one of the seven."
"You mean like in capital sin? "
Wow, Hutch thought, why is he becoming so serious all of a sudden?
"Yeah. You do know them, right?"
"You're kidding? Of course I know them. There is... huh... let's see... Lust. Forget about that one. Then... gluttony."
This time Starsky reacted fast.
"Let's forget about that one too, as far as you're concerned; You're a desperate case, addicted to soya sprouts and goat milk."
"Let's see, what else... Envy? Nah, I don't think so. There is also Greed... And Sloth... But I would not choose those."
"I have to agree." replied the brunette.
"How many do we have so far?" He started to count on his fingers. "Lust, Gluttony, Envy, Greed, Sloth. That's five. Which one did I miss?"
"Pride. That's one."
"Well, part of if could apply, I guess. I'm proud to be what I am, and ..." he paused for a moment. "And to have you as a friend, even when you always find a way to drag me along into one of your silly games. I'm proud off all we have accomplished as cops. Is that a sin?"
"I don't know... you tell me... " Starsky replied, although he knew the answer to that one already.
"I guess not. We can be proud of the job we do every day, right?"
"Do you need my blessing? You know we do a good job, the best we can, I know you Blondie, let go of your doubts... Hey, you still miss one!"
"I give up."
"I guess my question was not a good one, as this last sin one does not really apply to you either, well not that often at least."
"Which one is it?
"Wrath."
"Well, you might be wrong, Starsk. I guess it's the only one that could really fit on a regular basis. I may try to hold it inside, but sometimes I feel like breaking everything around me when I see one of the bad guys being released and innocent people left out without proper justice."
"That's settled. Wrath it is... Sorry, that was not really a good question."
All through the game, Hutch was still keeping an eye on the warehouse where some illegal transaction was supposed to take place. But so far, only a alley cat has visited the place. So much for a rewarding mission tonight! He admitted to himself that Starsky's game was changing a totally boring night into a more pleasant search for funny or unexpected facts about them, that they never talked about, even though they knew each other so well after all these years of friendship and partnership. That pleased him more than he would admit... Out loud anyway.
While Starsky was changing position again, obviously uncomfortable on the back seat, he found another proposal.
"If you were a song, Starsk, what would it be?"
"A song? Huh... I'd say... hey, got it... Black Bean Soup!"
"Why that one?" said Hutch in a surprise.
"'Cause it reminds me good moments among friends, a good meal shared around a large table... Especially when we learn to see beyond what's obvious and start looking with our heart and not our eyes."
"Gee, Starsk, you're becoming sentimental."
"That's not true! Well, ... not more than the guy who prepared that meal for us and we never knew what was in there. But it sure was delicious. When Huggy asked about the ingredients, he said friendship and all that stuff. Remember?"
Hutch stayed pensive for a moment while Starsky was singing in a whisper.
"All I want is black bean soup and you to bring it to me. Be my love while love will stay and wear your ribbons for me."
"Yeah, I remember," Hutch finally replied. "I was so glad when this multiple murder case was finally over."
"Yeah, me too. And the evening Anton prepared his special goulash was one of the best moments in my life. I'm glad we managed to arrange for him to get a stable situation."
"Yeah..." Hutch was again lost in his thoughts.
"A penny?" said the brunette.
"What?"
"A penny for your thoughts."
"I was just thinking about the next question."
"Keep it for the next round, it's my turn. Let's see... what if you were... a metal?"
Hutch frowned for a moment.
"I think I'd choose steel." he finally replied.
"Why steel?"
" 'Cause it's solid... and a hundred percent recyclable."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, here comes Super Ecologist Hutch, always thinking positive for nature!" Starsky claimed in a very solemn tone.
"Not like you!"
"How do you know? I have a plant in my apartment and- "
"That's the limit of your ecologist side."
"If you go on like this, I'm gonna grant you a new nickname."
"Which would be...?"
"Mr Green."
"OK, forget it. I'm kinda used to Blond Blintz now."
"Suits you... Hey, is there any more coffee in your thermos?"
"Yeah, a cup or two. Want some?"
"Yeah."
"But I warn you, there is no sugar."
"Well, I guess that'll have to do, I'm falling apart anyway."
Hutch poured some of the black liquid in a plastic cup and handed it to Starsky. The brunette took a sip, his face twisted with disgust, yet he drank the whole cup in one single gulp.
"Starsk?"
"Hmm..."
"It's about two in the morning. I don't think they're gonna show up now."
"I don't either, but we are supposed to stay until Garrett's team comes to take over. And besides, we have not finished the game yet. I still got a few interesting questions for you?"
"Starsk, you're nuts, you know that?"
"Not true! And I'd like to point out that it's probably contagious, since you've been playing for about an hour now!"
"OK, OK! Whose turn?"
"Yours, Blondie."
Hutch finished his cup and left it on the floor of the car.
"You really gotta clean up this dump once in a while. It's the last time I join you for a long mission in this wreck."
Hearing Starsky's reflexion gave him an idea for his next question.
"If you were a color?"
"I asked you that already!"
"So what?"
"You need to pick another one."
"We did not set any prior rules to this game. So just answer the damn question!"
"OK, OK... red!"
" 'Figures!"
"Why's that?
"Candy apple red, maybe?" replied Hutch with a big smile.
"Yeah, for example." Starsky replied, with a big smile too.
"Glad we took my car and not that tomato of yours, it's so...."
"So...?"
"So conspicuous."
"Nice word."
"Nice color!"
"Game-set-match. Hutch, gimme a break, will ya?"
Hutch tried to stretch his aching back. He was beginning to feel a sharp pain down his loins. Garrett was supposed to replace them in about half an hour and he was longing for a long hot shower and a decent night in his bed.
"You're okay, Hutch?"
"Yeah, just stretching a little..."
Starsky knew his partner's back was making him suffer and, even if he enjoyed the game, he was hoping the other team would show up soon so that the blonde could finally get some rest.
"Hey, who would you be if you had to pick up a comic character?" Starsky asked in a happy voice, trying to cheer up his friend and make him forget about the pain.
"Well, I don't know..."
"Guess?"
"Don't tell me!" Hutch was not willing to hear this.
"Yep, I got the perfect one for you!"
"Which is?" Hutch asked with some apprehension.
"Captain Marvel, of course!" said Starsky with a triumphant smile.
"OK, that's it!" Hutch replied sharply, with a bit of irritation.
"What?"
"You're not supposed to find the answers for me."
"But I think it's a perfect match!" Starsky replied in an almost imploring tone.
"Forget it."
"Hutch, don't be modest. You are the perfect savior. Think of it as a compliment."
"Yeah sure."
"I don't want you to start remembering times we saved one another from trouble; I thought this game was supposed to be fun."
"It is. Okay, now let me find another one for you."
Hutch tried to concentrate. Nothing was popping in his head right now. Starsky was patiently waiting.
The blonde detective closed his eyes and tried not to show he was now more concerned about the pain he felt in his back than the game.
"Which perfume?" he finally uttered, his voice very low now.
"Which perfume..." echoed Starsky.
The brunette took a deep breath, as if remembering some good moment.
"That would be... fresh paint."
"Paint? Starsky, you're weird! I said perfume. Thought you'd pick up some sandal wood or something?"
"Fresh paint means new premises."
"I don't get it, Starsk."
"You know... like a new house?" the brunette suggested.
"Don't tell me you're still thinking about buying a house?... And talk me into it??" the blonde replied sharply again, remembering not so good moments about buying a house with his partner.
"I won't give up, ya know that, Blondie. Wouldn't it be great to have our own place?"
"But we do have one, you have yours, I have mine. I remember the last time you tried to convince me to buy that ramshackle, I almost broke my neck before I even had the chance to get inside the place. No way! Just forget it!"
And saying so, he turned again his attention to the warehouse, but nothing was happening out there to divert the conversation.
Starsky mumbled, disappointed, even if he had not totally given up on the idea to share a house with his partner. Or maybe just buy one, rehabilitate it and rent it. Hutch was just not ready to jump into the project... yet.
"Now one for you, Hutch. If you were a quality? C'mon, pick up one? That shouldn't be too hard."
Hutch changed position one more time, trying not to show the pain he felt. He kept pensive for a moment and finally replied:
"Faithful."
"Interesting. Go on. Faithful to what?"
"To my beliefs."
"Oh, I thought you were gonna say..."
"Someone? 'Course, I'm faithful to you, to our friendship, but this you already know. I also meant faithful to my decisions in life."
"That sounds very profound!" replied the brunette in a gentle yet mocking way. "Gimme an example."
"Sticking to good things in life, taking care of my physical health... and keeping sane by avoiding to get trapped in silly projects of yours."
"Still thinking about the house?"
"That's only ONE example."
"You got more?"
"Yeah, like the time you said we could go and rob some banks in Bolivia."
"I never said that!"
"Oh yes, you did!"
"When?"
Hutch thought - only too late - it was a bad idea to remind his partner of that moment but now he was obliged to justify his remark.
"When you got shot in that Italian restaurant. You told me that, when everything was all over, if we got out of that night alive, we could go and rob a couple of banks in Bolivia."
Starsky closed his eyes, the memory of that stormy night made him feel the pain in his shoulder again. He did say silly things that awful night. When the were trapped by two nutcases, he was badly wounded and Hutch was trying to find a way to save him and the clients. Starsky thought his partner had been handling it just perfectly that night.
"Yeah... right. OK, what about a flaw?"
"Hey, it's my turn."
"Just answer this one, please, I'm curious, Mister Perfect!"
"OK, you ask for it. If I had to pick up a flaw, it would be... fear."
Starsky did not say a word. Can't be! Now Buddy, you'll explain this, he thought. He was waiting for Hutch to explain spontaneously.
Hutch peered in the rear-view mirror and went on.
"Fear of losing what I have. What's precious. Life. Health. Friendship."
Starsky kept silent. There was something in the air between them at that moment which they both felt at the same time. That strong connection, that bond they had been building for years and which meant that each one was safe if the other was around.
Although none of them would admit it, they had experienced fear, quite a few times. But it had not been fear in front of danger; it had been fear of seeing the other one hurt or... worse. They had been working together for too long not to be fully aware of the risks. But not tonight.
Now it was Hutch's turn to yawn extensively. It was two-thirty and he was longing for Garrett to show up to relieve them.
"Starsk? Pick up a tree."
"A tree?" Starsky took some time to consider and suddenly put a large smile on his face. "If I were a tree, I'd be the one you offered me last Christmas."
"What? Why that one? It was a joke when I offered it to you."
"But you did name that tree after me, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but..."
"That's great! A tree is meant to last, to grow deep roots in the ground, to survive us. When I'm gone, that tree will still be there, offering shadow and shelter for birds, hopefully for a long time and people will read my name on it and -"
"Stop. You're becoming narcissist."
"Becoming what?"
"Never mind."
Starsky peeked at the warehouse, now hoping that nothing would interrupt their little game.
"Hutch, if you were a feeling, I know what that'd be."
"Allow me to answer myself to your questions, please!"
"Go on. I'm all ears."
"You really wanna know?"
"Yeah, that's what this game is all about."
"OK, you ask for it. I'd pick up Love."
"Love? For what... or who? Don't tell me you're still thinking about that blonde chick! What's her name again? Cassie? Kitty?"
"Kelly! Yeah, she was... well, we had good times together."
"Sure! Too bad she was already married to the most jealous guy in town. You sure have a way to pick them up, Buddy!"
"Speak for yourself, Buddy! You pervert, trying to disgrace teenagers!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Remember you cheated with that sixteen year old blonde who, by the way, helped us out of a critical situation!"
"You blew your hit man cover and besides, she was honestly nuts about me." the brunette said proudly.
"That's what I said, that was pervert to let her hope and then dump her."
"Gimme a break, will ya?"
Hutch started to laugh softly as he enjoyed the idea of getting on his partner's nerves with reflexions like these from time to time.
"Let's get serious. What if you were a book?"
"A book... let's see..."
Starsky was vaguely staring at the warehouse, then at his watch.
"Take your time... and don't give me some silly crap about "how-to-read-in-the-mind-of-your-superior-to-get-a-promotion" or "the 1001 ways to achieve success with women", okay?"
"Hutch!"
"Just answer it; what book?"
"Flowers for Algernon."
"What's that?"
"It's a great book, about a man who get to become more intelligent-"
"That's start bad already."
Starsky did not underline and went on. "And he gets a treatment which makes him super smart and there's this little mouse that becomes his friend and-..."
"Wow wow, stooop! I'd prefer to read it by myself."
"You'd read this kinda book? No kidding!"
"Starsk... just shut up and pick up a question."
"Right. Have it your way. What if you were a celebrity?"
"Huh...a movie star? A politician? What kind of celebrity?"
"Pick up anyone you'd like to be."
"Well,... there may be one. But... you'll laugh about it."
"Yeah? Go on, impress me!" Starsky was very curious now.
"I'd chose... don't laugh, promise?
"Huuutch, just say it!!"
Hutch took a breath and whispered his answer.
"The Dalai Lama."
Starsky almost choked and burst into a big peal of laughter.
"That is juuust perfect for you, Babe. I can really figure you out on your mountain, eating soya sprouts and talking to the birds. I do have the greatest respect for the Dalai Lama, man, but are you sure you're up to it?"
"You said If I were..., not do you wanna take his place!"
"Yeah, sure!"
Starsky had a hard time stopping laughing. While he was wiping the tears from his eyes, Hutch thought about the next question. He had one in mind and even knew the answer he would have given provided it was Starsky's turn to ask him.
"Starsk, if you were a saying, what would that be?"
"A saying? Like a proverb?"
"Not necessarily a proverb. A saying... a quote... well, what kind of phrase would you choose?"
Starsky looked at Hutch in the rear-view mirror. Hutch was looking back at him. The both smiled at each other. For they knew they had thought the same thing at the same time. Again, they were on the same wavelength; they had been synchronized for so many years that most of the time, words were useless between them.
But tonight, they felt the need to say the words, just for the joy of hearing their voices joining in the same perfect moment.
They stated at the same time:
"As always, ME and THEE."
Silence.
Smiles.
There was nothing more to say.
They ended the game, both of them feeling a great warmth filling their hearts as they were resuming their silent watch in the chilly night.
Fin.