A/N: It's not a new multi-chap, don't worry. I will stay true till the end of MMB, though I may throw out previews every so often to keep you interested. ;) This fic is just a "missing" CB scene for every episode of season 5. I understand the whole Chuck having a hard time "feeling" this season, as is easily seen in his blasé façade this episode and his paying people off(?) to beat him up in the next episode (or is suggested in the promo), but for all intents and purposes, at the end of the day he's going to be letting himself feel, at least a little bit.
*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended. No spoilers; just based off the episode (and those prior to it).
…
"I know you think I must be dying because Blair's marrying another man…"
His side still burned, and he wondered how long he could keep it from Nate and Serena. His sister probably wouldn't be too much of a problem, since she was now staying in L.A. for an extended amount of time, but Nate would be a little harder to shoo off. Not impossible though. It wasn't very often he took the time to take off his shirt unless there was a bed in the room – and more often than not a woman, sometimes more than one.
He could just take some ointment, some water, and if signs of infection started to appear, he could make a quick detour to the hospital on his way to wherever and no one would know the difference. A large part of him felt it was too much trouble to get his physical self fixed. He was having a hard time finding his own emotions, for better or worse, and feeling the kind of physical pain he was feeling… It made him feel surer of himself. Because he knew he should be dying, emotionally speaking. Every time before when he'd ended things with Blair (or she with him), he'd be drinking himself into a scotch oblivion trying to forget or wishing he could go back and fix things.
Not this time. This positive, secure outlook on life was far more dangerous. It looked healthy on the outside but it threatened any real visibility to the heart that beat loudly inside its iron-clad shell. He wasn't the selfish, heartless person before all things Blair. He wasn't hurting anybody, only himself. He wasn't going to the point where he would die at any second. He was just torturing himself to the point where he could feel what was real. The five physical senses were real.
Nate was out somewhere, and he was glad for it. He needed this time alone to think. Every day since he'd taken off with Nate on their summer whirlwind adventure, he'd been fighting the heavy burden of regret that weighed him down whenever the selfish part of his heart beat fiercely enough to make him wonder if he should have let Blair go. Over time though, he'd become good at putting that part of him to sleep, and until today he'd perfected the art.
That invitation, the one he so flippantly through in his best friends' faces, had set him off when he'd seen it. He knew they had good intentions, but that wasn't what had bothered him. It was the fact that he'd spent six weeks trying to forget how much it hurt to let Blair go, and even though he'd admitted to the reality of her marrying Louis with his consent, the invitation made it real without his permission. It shook him to the core, and he discovered that recklessness had its advantages. The pain in his side that he'd refused to even touch since he first examined it in Serena's trailer told him he was still hurting, that he still felt. As painful as it was to look back on the times he'd been so hurt by what was going on between them, he wanted to know that he was still capable of that feeling, that he could drown himself in alcohol as a means of numbing the pain. That was unhealthy, but this was so much worse. This was denial in its cruelest form, and it had Blair Waldorf written all over it.
Waldorf.
It was strange to think that in a few short months he wouldn't be calling her that anymore. For old times' sake, he probably still could, but he knew it wouldn't feel right. It would be too close to them, even in their childhood. Serena would probably always be known as a 'Van der Woodsen' just because of the icon she was, but Princess of Monaco was a much bigger title than even that, and so Grimaldi could easily replace Waldorf.
He fingered the invitation in his hands. The realization that he could easily tear it up and throw it away shocked him. He'd never been able to throw anything away that related to her, even if it was not in his favor – maybe especially so, because that offered a challenge. But there was no yearning in him to tear it up and throw it away. He set it back down and stared at it, tracing the letters with his eyes, learning every graceful curve of the elegant calligraphy. It wasn't what he wanted to see. He wanted his name there – his.
But that was in the past. To solidify that very fact, he was going to do what he hadn't dared to all summer. He dug the cell out of his pocket and speed-dialed number one.
"Chuck?" her voice sounded strangled. He wondered why, if it had anything to do with him.
"Blair." He smiled a little, realizing how very much he'd missed hearing her voice all summer.
"Why are you calling?" she asked, sounding edgy. Somehow that was not something he followed very well.
"I…uh…" he picked up the invitation again, as a source of reference. "I got your wedding invitation today."
"Oh."
"Yeah, it's…" he flipped it over back and forth a few times, as if that would somehow spark more intelligence into his suddenly blank mind. "It's—great calligraphy." Huh? Mentally, he smacked himself. He was losing it.
"Oh…uh, thanks. Sophie—" She cleared her throat. "Louis' mom picked it out."
He thought he heard her cringe and wondered if all was going well with the planning of the wedding. For a moment his mind transferred him to a stunning vision of Blair walking down the aisle towards him, her soul mate – the one who'd let her go.
"Well, it's lovely," he concluded, very sure he needed to end the conversation as soon as possible. If he was standing before her, he'd be stumbling over his own feet and no doubt drop something on her dainty, expensive shoes or dress.
"I'll let her know you thought so."
He frowned briefly at the odd, somewhat out-of-place statement. Was it possible she was feeling as awkward as he was?
"Well, I'll—how's your summer been?" he asked suddenly, realizing that was an excellent choice in topic – later realizing it was a lame one.
"Fine. Good, I mean." She sounded cheered, as if realizing too that it was a great topic to veer to. "Louis and I had a lovely time in—"
"You can say it, Blair," he said, knowing it was her hesitance in discussing Louis – the man she'd chosen over him – that made her freeze.
"My summer was good, Chuck." There was some bite in her voice. He could almost enjoy it. "How was yours?"
"Fantastic," he said simply, a smile creeping onto his face.
"Usually when you smile like that, you look like a creepy Cheshire cat…"
"Great."
He sighed and rolled his eyes. The conversation couldn't get any more awkward or forced if either of them tried to make it that way.
"Goodnight, Blair."
"Goodnight, Chuck."
She hung up before he did. He contemplated the phone briefly, staring at the screen until it quickly went dark. Then he slipped it into his pocket, glanced once more at the pristine wedding invitation, and grabbed a bottle of water.
…
Her hands lay on her flat belly. She was unable to think of anything else but Chuck and she knew that must be the most horrible thing. Her summer with Louis had been magical, unforgettable, and the spell she'd hoped she could stay mesmerized by forever. She wanted the baby to be his, needed it to be. The details of a pregnancy in and of itself were complicated enough without knowing the identification of the father or the guilt that would surely consume her if she knowingly tried to pass the child off as someone not of royal blood.
No matter how hard she tried she could not find joy in this situation. If things with Chuck had turned out differently, she would have still been scared, but there would have been joy. When faced with the facts, it would have been inevitable.
But it was not. There was a living being growing inside her and however bad it was, she wanted it gone. She was scared and too overwhelmed to even know where to begin with the situation, now that it was obvious to even the hired help, regardless of her job description and what she was supposed to notice. Her conversation with Chuck had proven above all things that a baby would complicate matters between them most of all. She could not bear it if he was driven to insanity over her new state. There was so much at risk here, everything if she was being honest. Her heart, her ambition, her self-respect, her status, her honesty…
A baby changes everything.
…
A/N: I wanted to add a little blurb about the commercials 'a baby changes everything', but I just couldn't find a way to word it in a way I liked. XD Hope you enjoyed this bit. Don't be too harsh on B for wanting to get rid of the baby at this point. From what I could tell from the episode, she's scared out of her mind and probably just wants the "problem" to go away, because it threatens her fairytale. We'll just have to see as the season progresses how that state of mind might change. However, it does seem I was able to adapt to the "non-feelings" of Chuck after all. :)