Hard Push
Beckett deals with suicidal thoughts sometime between the end of 4x20 and when she talks to Dr. Burke in 4x21. I'm calling it 'slightly AU', could have happened, but didn't.
I'm going to take a moment here to formally thank Lou for reading around six different versions of this and offering opinions until it was 'just right', THANK YOU.
NO CHARACTER DEATH.
Trigger Warning! - If suicidal thoughts make you uncomfortable, please either do not continue, or do so at your own peril.
She wanted to blame the alcohol, wanted to shift it onto someone or something else. She couldn't do that though, and she knew it. She had barely finished one beer at the bar before she decided to take her pity party to a more private location. She had tried half-heartedly to flirt with Hunt, but it was a lost cause, all she thought about was Castle. Everything Hunt said reminded her of something Castle did or said, and it hurt to think that he had given up on waiting for her. It was all her fault.
She stumbled around her dark apartment, not bothering to flip any of the lights on. She found solace in the dark. She didn't have to look at herself in the hall mirror, see the pain reflected in her own dark eyes, her sunken features. No, the dark offered her a cloak to hide behind, even from herself.
She should have stopped pushing him away months ago, and now it was too late. He was off with another woman, sharing dinner, and lunch, and jokes and information about the case - even though he really shouldn't – and it was all her fault.
As she reached her bedroom, she shrugged out of her leather jacket, tossing it onto the chair in the corner. She unstrapped her father's watch from around her wrist, placing it gently on her dresser, her mother's ring quickly following. She pulled her badge from the waistband of her jeans, and reached for her holster to unclip that as well. Her hand hesitated on the cold handle of her service weapon. I could solve this problem once and for all, she thought. It's common among cops, after all. All the death and destruction we see, it all goes into that pot, and sometimes it just overflows. She shook her head slowly, maybe I should call someone, her brain finally supplied, coming out of its darker musings. It's too bad the one person I want to call probably wouldn't answer. He's probably off having a ball with Jacinda. With a huff, she drew her weapon from its holster, and holding it at her side.
It would be so easy to just end this all, the endless quest for justice, the pointless search for love, the rampant denial of any and all feelings I have. Her thoughts became self-destructive again, and not for the first time, not by a long shot. I wish I could just go back. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to push him so far away? Why do I always push everyone away? She was crying in earnest now, the tears streaking down her cheeks in a slow, familiar pattern.
No. I can't do this. Think of what it would do to Dad. Or Lanie. Or- but she cut off that next thought, refusing to let herself believe anything existed between Rick and herself any longer. She was heavy, and not much fun to be around anymore, she knew that.
I just want this to be over, she thought, raising the weapon slightly. If he couldn't hold on any longer, why should I? She paused for a moment, letting the fact that she needed him settle over her. I've needed him all along, and now that he's leaving, what's the point? As much as I would love to shoulder this alone, and push on, I know I can't. She slumped onto the floor, leaning back against her bed, the hand with the gun in it resting heavily in her lap. I know it would hurt some people, but it's not like I'll feel guilty after I'm gone. The guilt I have now is enough for a lifetime anyway.
That's not the point though, is it? Her thoughts bounced back and forth, unable to just make that final of a decision without some sort of forethought. Shouldn't I ask him what happened, why he suddenly couldn't take the wait any longer? Don't I deserve to know? Before- before I make this kind of decision? She sat there a while longer, letting her thoughts circle, trying to figure out how she would ask him in the first place, when a knock at her door interrupted her inner musings.
She made her way blindly through her apartment, gun still in her hand, tears still staining her face. When she reached the door, she yanked it open without looking through the peep hole, she was armed after all. A soft gasp fell from her lips when her eyes met those of one Richard Castle, clad in jeans and a zip-up hoodie.
"Castle-" She whispered.
"Kate! Are you alright?" He exclaimed, his hands reaching towards her automatically. He caught himself midway to her, and placed his hand on the wood of the doorframe, pretending to lean against it.
"I'm fine," she mumbled automatically, hiding slightly behind the door as she stepped back to let him into her apartment, flicking the hall light on.
"Kate, you're crying. What's wrong?" He asked, his eyes shining with worry.
"What's wrong, Castle? What's wrong?" her voice shook, growing louder, "I thought you were going to wait for me! I thought you understood!" She burst out, surprising even herself.
"Understood?" He choked a laugh, losing his worry immediately, "Yeah, I understood alright! After your interrogation with that kid in the bombing case, I think I got the message loud and clear, Beckett!"
"Int-" she began, before the realization hit her like a ton of bricks, and she squeezed her eyes shut, "No. Castle - No."
"No?" He questioned, an eyebrow raised, his eyes cold when she finally met them.
"That's not how I wanted you to find out," she choked out, her breath having left her.
"Well, that's not how I wanted to tell you how I felt, all those months ago, but that's how it happened! I guess we both have things we regret saying." She could see the ire rising in his eyes, even as they burned into her own.
"No- Castle, please don't say that," the tears started a renewed stream down her face, but she refused to acknowledge them by wiping them away.
"Say what? That I regret telling you that I loved you?" His eyes seemed to grow colder, if that was even possible. "It may have been the biggest mistake of my life."
"Please, Rick, don't," she pled, a visible shudder running down her spine.
"Why not?!" He clenched his fists at his sides, "Beckett, you've turned me down at every turn! You shut me out for three whole months! I didn't know if you were even alive!" His voice cracked ever-so-slightly at the end, hinting at how much that time had pained him.
"Rick, I regret that more than anything," she whispered, her eyes trained on the floor now, unable to meet the hurt in his eyes.
"Yeah, well that's just great," he spat, "what do you wish had happened instead? That you had just told me to skedaddle after the hangar? Or maybe that I had reacted sooner, taken that bullet for you? That I had been the one to die in your arms?" His voice tapered off with the last question, reliving that heartrending moment behind closed eyelids.
"No, none of those! Rick, I wish I would have told you that I felt the same way, that I still feel that way, I- I need you," she confessed, meeting his cold gaze with shining eyes.
"You have a funny way of showing it, Beckett," he shook his head, his eyes closed tightly. "Usually, when you need someone, you don't shove them out of your life; you hold them close, draw your strength from them, what you're doing is the exact opposite. I just- Beckett, I don't understand," he let out a long breath, and when he opened his eyes, they were no longer cold, but sad and uncomprehending.
"I- I know that I haven't been showing it well, but please, Rick, give me a chance!" She stumbled over her words slightly, " You, Rick, you are my strength, or at least part of it, and I-" she took a breath to center her thoughts, "I've felt sapped for strength the last few days without you there to support me."
His eyes met hers, seeing the truth in them, and he took a deep, cleansing breath. "Beckett- Kate, I never consciously meant to hurt you, but subconsciously, I think that may have been my goal in dating someone else."
She nodded, "I understand, I just- I don't think I can stand you pulling away anymore," It was her turn to shake her head, though she shook hers at herself. "It hurts," she added softly.
"And you think I could?" He sighed, "For the months after your shooting when I waited by the phone, hoping every time it rung that it would be you, begging me to come see you?" His eyes skirted around, trying valiantly not to meet hers, to see his own pain mirrored in her eyes. "I understand that you're in pain now, but Kate, you didn't see what that did to me," he confessed.
"I know that I've made mistakes, Rick, but I want to try to apologize and start over, please? I want to tell you how I feel, and know that you feel the same way," he met her eyes briefly, seeing the sincerity in them, but unable to fully accept what she proposed.
"Kate, I don't know if I can take that right now. You lied to me for the better part of a year," he paused, sounding deflated, "I need some time."
"Please, please don't walk away," she begged, "I know that's exactly what I said to you, but please don't ask for time and walk away."
"I'm not saying that's what I plan on doing, but Kate, when I heard you tell that kid in interrogation that you remembered every second of your shooting, it was like I was taking a bullet to the chest myself," he sighed, blinking slowly. "All I could think is that you were embarrassed and didn't feel the same way, but couldn't just let me down easy," he took a breath, but before he could continue, she cut him off.
"No- Rick, I just couldn't find the words for how I felt, especially in that environment, in that state of complete vulnerability. I pushed everyone away then," she looked up at him, swallowing thickly. "I know now! I know how I feel about you, about- about us," she waved her hands between the two of them, only then realizing that she still held her gun.
He noticed at the same moment, "Kate- why do you have your gun out?"
"I-" she swallowed, "I wasn't having the best day," she admitted, her eyes falling to her feet.
"Kate!" He gasped, "Would you really resort to that?" His eyes began to swim with tears of his own at this realization, "You would take yourself from everyone that loves you so permanently?"
"No!" she exclaimed, "No, I just- I wasn't - " she took a deep, cleansing breath, her eyes still glued to the floor, and elected to tell him the truth, "I decided to talk to you before I made that kind of decision."
"Talk to me?" he pondered.
"I needed to know why, and now I do," her gaze lifted back to his, "and I hope that I- that we can get past this… together."
"Kate, please tell me that you wouldn't have taken yourself away from me like that," he breathed softly.
"Castle, Rick-" she swallowed back the lump in her throat, "I'm not going to lie, I was thinking about it, I've- I have been working so damn hard to fix myself, to be the kind of person that deserves your love, the kind of person that can reciprocate wholeheartedly," her eyes burned into his, "but every time you have just walked out the last few days- it's been like a stab to the chest, the pain nearly as searing as the bullet that almost stole my life in the first place." She waved her gun towards her chest to emphasize her point.
"I wish you would have come to me, told me," he whispered, his hand reaching out to the one she held her gun in, holding it tightly in his own.
"I was about to come and talk to you when you showed up," she looked up at him, conveying her truthfulness in her eyes. It struck her then, "why are you here, anyway?"
"Can we-" he motioned towards her couch, she looked like she was about to fall over. She nodded, and let him lead her to the couch, sitting down in the middle, not wanting to put space between them. "And how about, we set this down?" he indicated to the gun in her hand, which was still loosely grasped in his own.
Her eyes darted to the gun, and then up to his, "I'm sorry," she began, dropping the gun onto the coffee table with a clunk that rang of finality.
Thoughts?
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