Hope this amuses some of you! Please excuse any misspellings or grammatical errors, or odd page breaks. It's been a while since I posted anything. I wrote this rather quickly, right off the top of my head. I welcome any of your own rules, if you want to review them or send them to me.
Enjoy!
Rules of the Dragonborn
"We all have some set of rules after all. Innkeepers, guards, Jarls, the Companions, hell even the Dark Brotherhood and the Thieves Guild has rules!
Why not the Dragonborn?"
Rule 1: Never bring Lydia adventuring again. The snark is just not worth having a pack mule.
"I am…sworn to carry your burdens, Thane."
The Dragonborn, after unloading several heavy weapons onto her, turns away from the surly woman, barely repressing a twitch. That is all she's been saying for the past two days, since the Dragonborn met her two days ago.
"Thanks, Lydia," she forces out anyway, because her parents raised her to be polite, even in the face of such barely concealed hostility. "It looks like there's a few more chests up here, the bandits here must have been well off. Got anymore room for stuff?" Immediately, the Dragonborn regrets asking because she knows exactly what the response will be.
"…I am sworn to carry your burdens, Thane."
This time, the Dragonborn does twitch.
Rule 2: Sometimes, for literally no reason at all, dragon skeletons will dance.
The Dragonborn sighs in relief as the last bits of dragon soul melts into her skin and she finally stops glowing. The guards and citizens of Falkreath are staring, but she's used to that by now. Instead of paying them any attention, she steps forward with her spare dagger to pry off a few pieces of remaining dragon scales to sell. But, before she can touch the bones, the dragon skeleton twitches.
She jumps back, her dagger automatically moving forward in a defensive position. Is it still not dead yet? Usually the whole absorbing the soul thing works…
The dragon skeleton twitches again, so violently this time that it turns on its side and begins trembling.
"Gods, what is happening?" a guard cries. Everyone is backing away now, as the trembling turns into shaking and the dragon skeleton dances over the ground, and up the side of a house. The Dragonborn blinks. Its wing bone gets caught on the roof for a moment, but eventually the skeleton ceases its movements, and slumps back onto the ground. This time, it seems to finally stop moving.
Silence reigns for a moment, until the Dragonborn breaks it.
"Damn," she mutters. "That's like the fifth time. That's got to stop happening."
Rule 3: Invisible walls can happen.
Sunderstone Gorge is not a fun place.
The cave is full of puddles, of water and of oil, and the mages here aren't very friendly. The Dragonborn is beginning to run low on magic, and her Dwarven made arrows are running low. Still, she keeps moving through the cave because the promise of loot at the end makes it worth the irritation of wet socks. She sees puddles of oil ahead, and throws a firebolt at it. The oil burns quickly, taking out what sounds like a skeever and a creaking skeleton. She waits until the flames die out before she creeps around the corner and down a hall. Up ahead, she can see a mage lounging on a wooden balcony, and so she draws her bow, notches her arrow and fires.
The arrow, meant to hit the mage, instead stops dead in midair.
…What?
She moves forward and snatches the arrow back. She creeps forward slowly, looking hard at nothing, until her knee bangs against something solid. She swallows a curse, and instead quickly feels around this invisible barrier. It's plenty solid, but it looks like she can walk around it to keep going down the hall towards the other mages.
Instead, she notches an arrow again and shoots it at the mage. It misses, but it got his attention anyway, his and his friend's. They both run at her, casting Oakflesh and one is summoning a Flame Atronach.
The Dragonborn grins, and puts the invisible wall between her and her foes.
"I'll see you burn!" one of them shouts, blasting a Flame spell at her, the other casts a Frostbite spell. Streams of flame and ice hit the wall and don't even come close to her.
The utter look of confusion on their faces is priceless.
The Dragonborn conjures her own Flame Atronach, and throws a few firebolts at them as she uses the invisible wall for a shield. It's over quickly because the two mages just can't seem to get around the wall and so their spells keep hitting the wall and they keep running into the wall in an attempt to attack her with their iron daggers. When it's over, the Dragonborn fondly pets the invisible wall. It has served her well.
"No one is ever going to believe me."
The Dragonborn pets the wall once more, and then moves on to loot their bodies.
Rule 4: Bears are more dangerous than dragons.
The Dragonborn doesn't really understand this.
She can take down ancient dragons, for Sithis' sake! She is the Listener! She is the Harbinger, the Arch-Mage, the Guild master – she is the godsdamned Dragonborn!
"KYNE!"
And yet if a bear catches sight of her, it's all over. One application of Kyne's Peace and then she's hauling ass in the opposite direction, leaving a peaceful brown bear to snooze on the side of the dirt road.
Gods, she's been in Skyrim for six months already. You'd think she'd be able to handle one single bear without relying on her Thu'um by now.
Rule 5: EVERYONE wants something from you.
The Dragonborn hates coming into Whiterun these days.
First it's those Alik'r warriors by the front gate, every time they see her they try talking to. She keeps her head down, avoids eye contact, and speed walks away.
Then, some Orc in some weird armor hangs around just outside of Warmaiden's – whenever he sees her, he starts walking towards her too. She's slipped away through the crowds before, and snuck back around to watch him. He sat down on a bench and ignored everyone else, so clearly he wants something from her too.
And then there's Amren who always goes, "You tried mercenary work? It might suit you." Yeah! Like that's not a cry for attention! Sorry pal, this Dragonborn has too much on her plate already without being saddled with whatever your problem is!
Fralia Gray-Mane is another offensive person – always whining about her MIA son. The Dragonborn's heart goes out to her; it really does, now if only the old hag would just let her buy some fucking jewelry in peace. And it's only her that Fralia does it to! If it's another customer it's all business, but if the Dragonborn walks near the stand…
Literally every single person in Whiterun wants something from her!
Okay except, maybe, the kids. Playing tag doesn't really count, and the Dragonborn is more than happy to do that anyway. (The bullying problem was something else she just did anyway. Why? She likes kids, that's why. She just doesn't like whiny adults.)
"You tried mercenary work? It might suit you."
She flinches away from Amren. Damn! She thought she'd hidden. How did he find her?
"You tried mercenary work? It might suit you."
She runs, and violently bumps into a guard.
"Everything all right?" the kind guard asks, after steadying her.
"Yes, I'm–"
"You tried mercenary work? It might–"
"NO! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Pushing past the guard, the Dragonborn runs right out of Whiterun – knocking the suspicious Orc onto the ground, and one of the two Alik'r warriors over the edge of the small bridge and into the shallow waters below.
"What's her problem?" the guard wonders. Amren looks at the guard.
"You tried mercenary work? It might suit you."
"…No lollygaggin'."
NEW Rule 5: Hide from everyone.