Those Left Behind
He didn't know what to feel as he saw the body of his captain go up in flames. Was he supposed to feel anything? For once Abarai Renji had no answer. His once pulled back red hair was down, without their hair tie he normally wore. It…didn't feel right.
None of it did.
Kuchiki Byakuya was dead. Renji had been awoken by sobbing. His shocked eyes had found Rukia by his bedside, her once bright violet eyes swollen and thick tears running down her face. Renji had stared at her, his breath in his throat as his stunned eyes found Rukia's. The petite Shinigami was too overcome with emotion to talk, so it ended up the substitute Shinigami Ichigo to tell him that his captain was dead.
He had been killed in battle. Renji only vaguely remembered clutching Ichigo's hakama, yelling at him to stop telling him lies and demanding to see his captain. Renji hadn't understood, only thinking again and again where was his captain and was he alright. It ended up that Rukia had to calm him down, his face against his chest as she sobbed to him that her brother was dead. Haltingly, she told him of how his body had been found near where they lay, drowned in blood and his zanpakutō broken. "They're preparing his body for the funeral," Rukia had whispered. Her voice was almost inaudible through the thickness of her grief and swayed as she attempted to move her head from his chest. Ichigo caught her just in time, and the once-proud Shinigami found herself shamelessly sobbing in Ichigo's arms, sobbing for her brother.
Renji could only stare, his mind blank as Ichigo turned his judgement eyes on him, but the red-haired Shinigami could only hear Rukia's words throb through his dull mind. Captain… Renji found himself on the floor, his mind helplessly grasping his sanity as he found his knees on the floor, his lungs fighting for breath. Captain… His mind unraveled of one of his memories of Kuchiki-taichō, finding him outside of his office and watching the moon. The surprised vice-captain was stunned when the taichō asked him calmly if he would like to join him. Taichō…! Suddenly, Renji found himself screaming, intelligible words falling from his gaping mouth as the reality came in through his mind. Kuchiki-taichō!
Renji saw the flames against his somber eyes. The funeral had been held a couple days late from the numerous summons required. Kuchiki Byakuya had been the head of the Kuchiki clan, after all. At the corner of his eyes, Renji could see Rukia beside various members of the Kuchiki clan, her violet eyes wet as she stood beside her adopted clan. Not one tear, not one of them. Renji had overhead Rukia explain to Ichigo, with mirthless laughter in her voice, that her adopted older brother had not been well-liked in his clan, marrying a commoner from Rukongai and then adopting one into the clan. "They're probably happy now that he's dead," Rukia had murmured with a faithless smile. "Even since he married my sister, he hasn't gotten along with anyone in the clan…except me."
Renji's hands clenched in his hands tightly as he thought about what he had heard, his teeth grinding as rage surged through him. Assholes! Assholes who didn't know taichō or care about him! Renji remembered when he once thought that his taichō had only been cold and ruthless. How wrong he was. He had heard about he had married Hisana, a commoner from Izunari, a name hushed and whispered throughout his division. When he had been made Kuchiki-taichō's vice captain, the red-haired Shinigami had wondered why the sixth division captain always came later than usual on the every month of the nineteenth. A seated officer had whispered to him that Hisana-sama, Kuchiki-taichō's wife, had died many years ago from an illness on the nineteenth before spring, and so their captain always prayed to her shrine for a longer period of time on that day. One day, when the plum blossoms had bloomed, Renji had noted that his captain appeared more quiet than usual. His calm and unsettled reiatsu was different, and it took a moment for Renji to realize that his captain was sad. When he had asked what was wrong, Renji had thought perhaps his captain wouldn't respond, but the raven-haired Kuchiki stopped the brush in his hands and his eyes – slightly more empty than usual – told him that his wife had died this day, thirty years ago. It had been then that Renji had left his captain be, telling him that he would finish the paperwork and the Kuchiki could relax. The older Shinigami had nodded, and it was the only time when he could see a crack in his captain's broken façade.
His captain had almost been killed by protecting Rukia from Ichimaru, no longer torn between the promise he had made to his wife and the graves of his parents. Thinking back as he watched his captain rest as Renji soundlessly watched him, the Shinigami thought of how he had butchered his interpretation of Kuchiki-taichō. He truly does care about Rukia…and me. Renji had gripped his arms then with his fingers, remembering of his captain had chided him for not taking ten years to manage his bankai. And of how he seemed to not kill him, many times, despite breaking the laws he upheld. He could have killed me, but he didn't. Because… He remembered of the scarf against his bleeding skin, soothing his wounds. Renji knew the scarf was important. He had known that the scarf was an heirloom of the Kuchiki family, and worth ten noble mansions. So then…why did he drape it over me? Like some kind of warmth of protection? Renji had pulled the soft scarf from his hakama, the silk caressing his fingers. You actually care about me, don't you taichō? Renji thought as he folded the scarf and placed it gently on the bed as his captain slept. His eyes paused, staring at his captain one last time before leaving.
I didn't truly want to fight you, taichō. After all I said, of how I always watched you and wanted to defeat you, was a lie. I…truly… Renji didn't exactly know what to say. How did he truly feel about his taichō? He admired him, but not in the reverence that stupid Soifun held for that strange former Shinigami. I had to save Rukia, and that meant killing you. And that…
…I could never do.
"Why are you here, Renji?"
Renji thought about his reply, thinking about his captain as his body was engulfed in flames. He stood in front of the sixth division, his vice-captain badge now on his left shoulder. Since I became his vice-captain, I hadn't worn it. Why now? He can't even see me now.
Renji had been slightly surprised by the information he had learned about his captain in death. He almost smiled ruefully to himself, thinking of how stupid he had been to not realize that his taichō had served under his grandfather as his vice-captain. His humor faded when the Ukitake-san told the audience of how Kuchiki Byakuya's grandfather had died during an assignment in the world of the living, leaving the future captain the only survivor from a deadly Hollow attack. "He inherited the position that was once given to his father at a very young age, the late sixth division's vice-captain Kuchiki Sōjun, who had died shortly after Kuchiki-taichō was born." Renji listened with a growing somber expression, angry with himself for not thinking that even though his captain had been a noble, he hadn't had tragedies in his life. Losing a father shortly after your birth and given the title of head of a clan when you're just a child, Renji thought as his eyes focused on Ichigo, who had his mouth opened in shock at the information as Rukia stared ahead, her eyes drowning in grief. "Despite being very young, the captain of the sixth division executed his duties with grace and manner of the proud Kuchiki clan, even during personal reasons of grief." Hisana-sama… Renji thought. "He had protected Soul Society with every strength he had, and protected those he most desired to protect." Renji's eyes widened, his breath in his throat as he heard when the captain of the thirteenth division had said. Ukitake-san looked at him very briefly, a knowing look in his eyes before continuing. Taichō… Renji thought as he saw the flames and the scent of incense. I couldn't even protect you… How can I…?
He remembered the battle, screaming for the Quincy to stop as he watched helplessly as his taichō's body was destroyed. Blood everywhere, scattering. The once-beautiful cherry blossoms cold and hard. STOP! Renji had thought helplessly. He had to help his taichō, no matter what it took. It didn't matter that his bankai was broken, or that he was told not to use it. That he could do nothing and that he would likely die from his suicidal attack. He had to save the male Kuchiki. STOP! His captain was still bleeding, his eyes – his dark gray eyes that had mesmerized Renji so many times through their coldness and whispers of emotion – clouded with pain.
BYAKUYA! Renji had roared inside as he screamed that the Quincy had no right to wield Senbonzakura. He has not right, Renji had thought as his taichō's broken body filtered through his mind. And then, he felt himself flying, flying away, his sight fading as he heard an audible crack from his taichō's katana.
Renji was still as he watched the Kuchiki clan gather in hushed whispers. Everyone, including the sixth division, had left. It almost felt like a dream, seeing nothing now as the body that once held the man Renji respected most in his life gone. Taichō… he thought.
They'll likely…promote me. To your positon. His fists clenched until they almost bled, pain surging through his heart. But I still feel…that it belongs to you. You're…too perfect. You were…my taichō…and I can't accept anyone else.
"Oniichan?" Renji turned, surprised to find a young child standing beside him. She was tugging at his hakama, and was looking at him through her wide gray eyes. The red-haired vice-captain stared at her, his breath gasping in his throat as he continued to look at her face. The child was female, appearing around two or three years old and was wearing a dark blue kimono with branches of cherry blossoms decorating the fabric. The image of the flower left a wound in Renji's heart, remembering of how Kuchiki-taichō told him of how his favorite flowers were cherry blossoms. One time, he had even followed his taichō to his mansion to see if it was true. His eyes had widened at the sight of his captain surrounded by falling cherry blossoms, a small but visible smile on his face. He could see the child had dark black hair that was in a hime-cut fashion, her pale hand tugging on his hakama again as Renji continued to stare at the young child…who looked so much like his taichō.
"Why are you crying, oniichan?" Renji felt his hand against his cheek, feeling the unfamiliar tears flowing against his skin. The small child continued to look up at him in confusion. "Why was everyone here?"
Eh? Renji thought dumbfounded as the child continued looking at him in bewilderment. She doesn't know what's going on? The red-haired Shinigami was stunned as he stared at the child's plump face, similar to an apple, he thought, before he remembered of how the annoying Kusajishi-fukutaichō had wailed at the news of his taichō's death. The pink-haired Shinigami, usually laughing and smiling, was inconsolable, sobbing and screaming "Byakushi! Byakushi!" as the grief and hollow feeling inside him intensified until he had seen Zakari-taichō hit her head until she was unconscious. She had yet to wake up.
Renji sighed and lowered himself down to the child's height. The child's wide gray eyes bored into his own. "My name is Abarai Renji, the…vice-captain of the sixth division." It was hard to speak, but Renji forced the words out of his mouth. "What is yours?"
The world seemed to still as a sudden blossom from a tree fell and landed on the ground.
"Kuchiki Kiku, the 29th head of the Kuchiki clan." Renji held his breath and forced himself not the squeeze his eyes shut at the sound of the name. "Oniichan…" The girl trailed, Renji knowing that he was crying in earnest now. "Where is my Tōsama?" Her eyes searched Renji's agonized own. "He promised me that he would come back. And why…was Ukitake-taichō talking about him?"
"Kiku..." Renji breathed, his heart heavy as he stared into his taichō's daughter's eyes. When did he have a daughter? He never mentioned her, nor did Rukia. I had… Suddenly his thoughts shattered when the little dark-haired Kuchiki asked him a question.
"Did you love my Tōsama like he loved Okaasan?" The girl's inquisitive eyes searched Renji's, and the red-haired Shinigami thought of the memories he had of his captain. Did I actually care for him that way…? Renji thought. "Tōsama said that it wasn't my fault that Okaasan died, even though Okaasan died not long after I was born," the child continued to whisper. He could see the sadness in her eyes as the child thought of the painful memory, and her eyes glanced against his own as Renji thought of what he truly felt for his fallen captain.
I now know what I was going to say…Kuchiki-taichō…but I was too late, as always.
"It wasn't like that. I simply would do anything for him, Kiku-chan." The child stared at him with surprise at his the affectionate term. And…I know what he wanted to protect the most.
Tears trailed down his face, falling onto the ground like rain. Not only me and Rukia…but…
"Kiku-sama!" Renji heard the child turn and look at the Kuchiki elder in surprise. "What are you doing with that disgraceful Shinigami? Did your lord father not tell you to associate with such filth?"
Renji visibly flinched, trying to not shake in rage and grief. He liked such filth like me.
"Rukia-oneesama!" Renji turned and wiped his eyes to see Kiku joyfully embrace Rukia, the Shinigami's violet eyes heavy with sorrow as she embraced her small niece. Looking at the child of his beloved taichō smiling and laughing at the sight of Rukia, Renji thought of what his taichō had fought for.
I will…protect you, taichō. I promise you that I will. I…guess I have a new reason to live, don't I?
Gomen nasai, Kuchiki-taichō… Renji thought as he looked up at the sky as he started to cry again. I couldn't tell you of how I felt about you.
That I would do anything to protect you.
As he felt the Quincy tear him apart, with his blood splattering the ground, Renji apologized to his captain.
What a stupid vice-captain I am to you. I couldn't...even avenge you. I'm sorry...Taichō.