TheEmperor'sEmpress»
» I swear, you all will hate me for this...
» Alternate sequel to THE DAY YOU SAID GOODNIGHT.
» Read at your own risk.
*Baby, Just Say Goodnight*
•••
Ah! changed and cold, how changed and very cold!
With stiffened smiling lips and cold calm eyes:
Changed, yet the same; much knowing, little wise;
This was the promise of the days of old!
Grown hard and stubborn in the ancient mould,
Grown rigid in the sham of lifelong lies:
We hoped for better things as years would rise,
But it is over as a tale once told.
All fallen the the blossom that no fruitage bore,
All lost, all lost, the lapse that went before:
So lost till death shut to the opened door,
So lost from chime to everlasting chime,
So cold and lost for ever evermore.
[Christina Rossetti, "Dead Before Death"]
•••
Ten o'clock, ten at night.
Akashi woke with a shake of the head. His body was numb, his head ached. He sat up in the couch, gazing at the darkness around him.
In Akashi's opinion, there's nothing worse than waking up in total darkness. It's like having to go back and live that moment all over from the beginning. When he first opened his eyes, the realization that a certain person was no longer there beside him breaks his heart in more ways than he could imagine. After an extremely long time of being alone, six years of coldness and emptiness Akashi feels numb. It was improbable that such a person as himself could even be living.
Amid the darkness and silence, Akashi tried to gather up the pieces of his life. Of what was even left of it. For the red emperor, life ended when he was twenty-one. What continued to exist after that was merely a shell of what he used to be.
It was cold night, but inside Akashi was something much, much colder. He was living in Hell, but instead of burning in its fire, he was instead freezing.
Akashi recalled the distant past, back to that time when he finally felt complete. When he experienced the wonder of being able to give love and revceive love.
To feel what it's like to love and be loved.
He turned to the entry way. In the darkness, the silent sound of a door being opened reaches his ears. Light footsteps, and then in the shadows forming was the face of another that Akashi had longed to see for a long, long time.
•••
Come to me in the silence of the night:
Come in the speaking silence of a dream;
Come with soft rounded cheeks and eyes as bright
As sunlight on a stream;
Come back in tears,
O memory, hope, love of finished years.
•••
On Akashi's wristwatch, the time showed eleven-thirty. Outside, the snow had stopped, but thick clouds still covered the sky. No light anywhere. For a long time, Akashi sat frozen on the sofa, staring at the person who had just entered his apartment.
The hour hand struck twelve. The person was now fully visible to Akashi. Akashi tried to speak out, to call out his name, but his voice died in his throat, and silence slipped in to fill its place.
•••
Oh dream how sweet, too sweet, too bitter sweet,
Whose wakening should have been in Paradise,
Where souls brim full of love abide and meet;
Where thirsting longing eyes
Watch the slow door
That opening, letting in, lets out no more.
•••
"Happy Birthday, Sei," Kuroko said by way of greeting, a smile barely visible in the darkness of the room. He sat on the other end of the sofa, looking at Akashi who was so overtaken by an overwhelming melange of emotions that he can no longer discern one from the other. Happiness, anger, surprise, frustration, and a lot more others whose names are swallowed up in that emotional turmoil.
"I owe you a birthday greeting for the past six years," said the Kuroko apologetically.
"That's okay, Tetsuya," Akashi finally managed to say. "What's important is that you're here now. You've finally come home. To me."
Kuroko sighed quietly. "I'm sorry for everything, Sei."
Akashi shook his head. "The past does not matter, Tetsuya. What's important is now, this very moment. The present."
They both fell silent. In the darkness, Akashi strained to see Kuroko clearly.
"I really made you go through a lot, didn't I?" said Kuroko, his voice laced with sadness and guilt. "I gave so much pain, so much trouble... And no amount of apologies can ever erase all that. I haven't done anything but to depend on you everytime, and look what I gave you in return."
"Tetsuya, that's not necessary."
"Of course it is," said Kuroko. "I've been nothing but a burden to you ever since —"
Akashi cut him off. "Tetsuya, listen. Who was it that helped me in running the club back in Teiko by acting as the negotiator between the other members? Who was it that brought me back from my own madness? Who was it that makes me forget all my troubles? Who was it that showed me that I am a person worthy of loving? Who was it, Tetsuya? If anything, I should be the one thanking you, not the other way around."
"But, still —"
Akashi clicked his tongue impatiently. "Tetsuya, do we really have to argue about this? First time I see you after a long time and this is what we're gonna do? To argue about unnecessary things?"
Kuroko bowed his head and sighed. "You're right, Sei." He cleared his throat. "Actually, I have some things to say to you."
"If this is about why you left, you can just forget about it," Akashi said.
Kuroko looked him in the eyes, blue orbs filled with determination. "I know this is kind of selfish, but I need you to hear me out. Please, Sei?"
The redhead stared back at him with an inscrutable gaze, and nodded, though a bit reluctant. "Fine." Akashi reached for the lamp on the corner table but Kuroko stopped him before he could pull the cord.
"You have to forgive me, but it has to be dark."
Akashi frowned. "But I want to see you, Tetsuya."
"I'm sorry, Sei, but please bear with me for a while." When Akashi settled back on the couch, Kuroko gave him a small sad smile.
"Well then," said the bluenette, clearing his throat. Akashi crossed his arms in front of him and kept still, wrapped in his blanket. He waited for the bluenette to start talking, but no words followed. All he could see was Kuroko fiddling with his sweatband, which Akashi find odd because Kuroko does not normally wear those except when plays on the court. Also, he was wondering why the need for darkness and why the bluenette did not hugged him the moment he came in. He was about to ask this questions when Kuroko spoke.
"Well then," he said a second time. "About my sudden leaving... I'll start from the very beginning, is that okau with you, Sei?"
The redhead didn't answer. The bluenette ontinued to speak, taking his silence as consent.
"It was a Saturday morning, and you had just left for work. I was doing nothing when the doorbell rang, and I have no idea who it might be. When I opened the door, to my great surprise, your father was there standing on the other side."
Akashi almost stood up from his seat at this revelation. "So it has been him all along! Tetsuya, why didn't you tell me all about this before making that decision? He threatened you, didn't he?"
Biting his lip, Kuroko nodded. "He did." Seeing as the redhead was about to explode in anger, Kuroko said, "Sei, let me finish my story first okay? Please?"
"Tsk." Akashi huffed but complied to his wishes, and Kuroko continued with his tale.
"At first I thought that he was looking for you, but then he told me that he came specifically to talk to me."
With narrowed eyes, Akashi asked, "Talk to you about what?"
"About your future." Kuroko's voice was almost a whisper. "And how I don't figure in it."
"What nonsense is he talking about? I can't picture a future without you...!"
"Your father sees things differently from you. Apparently, he has planned your future ahead and obviously, he did not include me in it. And so, he ordered me to break up with you and to just practically disappear. Which is what I'm good at anyway."
"And you just followed his orders? Huh, Tetsuya?" Akashi was now fuming mad. He was about to reach out to shake the bluenette by the shoulders when Kuroko moved away, where he cannot reach hin, and answered, frustration evident in his normally calm voice.
"It wasn't as simple as you think as you think, Seijuurou!" The use of his full name surprised Akashi. Tears flowed down Kuroko's eyes, liquid pearls in the pitch black of their surroundings. "Your father threatened that he will disown you if I continued my relationship with you. Of course I can't allow that to happen! What about your dreams then? All the things you've been through will all go to waste just because of me! I can't possibly do that to you, Sei. I can't." Kuroko was sobbing now. "That's why, that's why I had to leave..."
Akashi once again made a move to get closer to Kuroko, but each time he did, Kuroko would move back, out of his reach.
Akashu finally felt that something was really off with the bluenette.
Why doesn't he come closer?
Kuroko always kept a set distance, and didn't try to narrow that gap.
"Tetsuya —"
"Don't come!" Kuroko's words sounded close to a scream as they issued from his lips. Akashi watched him recoil, and felt his heart palpitating. A flurry of unease started up in his chest.
Why?
"Why are you running away, Tetsuya?"
"Don't come close. Please. Sei..."
Tears trickled down Kuroko's cheek.
"I was waiting... waiting all this time. I wanted to see you, so, so much... that was all I hoped for..."
"And we did see each other. You're right here, right now. You were the one who stepped in through the door and greeted me a happy birthday. This is probably the happiest birthday I ever had for the past six years, Tetsuya. So why? Why won't you let me embrace you? Kiss you even? Why?"
He moved again, and Kuroko did the same, maintaning their distance. Kuroko jerked his chin up. He was chewing his lip in a desperate attempt to contain his shaking. Kuroko shook his head, his face drawn.
A gesture of rejection.
"Why!? Why are you refusing me?"
Akashi tried to restrain himself, but he could not. His tone turned rough to match the rise of his emotions.
Tetsuya, let me hold you. Hold you with my own arms. I want to embrace you to make up for all those years we spent apart. We've finally been able to see each other. Words of every kind are whirling inside me, words to say to you, to tell you, to apologize to you. I want to tell you how much I missed you, how much I love you.
But why do you refuse? Why?
"Tetsuya, I―"
"Stop." Kuroko's words were like knives that stabbed him deep in the chest. "Don't get any closer. Please."
Akashi beheld Kuroko silently. He swallowed the rest of his sentence. His unspoken words became a muddy flow, a swift wind that further agitated his heart. His breathing turned erratic from anxiety and uncertainty.
His body froze up at this unidentifiable fear.
Akashi felt a chill.
The restless sounds of his heart refused to disappear. Instead, they echoed even more strongly.
"Tetsuya,what is it that you're not telling me?"
A shadow crossed Akashi's eyes. A breath's length of silence.
"Answer me, Tetsuya!"
Kuroko's head was still bowed. His shoulders clad in his soft blue sweater were trembling.
"Tetsuya, you still haven't answered my question. Why are you refusing me? Why aren't you coming any closer? Why can't I get closer to you?"
"Sei..."
"And those sweatbands... Why are you wearing them now? You never did before, not unless you're on the court. So why, Tetsuya? Answer me."
"You're right." Kuroko broke into a sudden smile. "As expected of you, Sei... Of course you woild know such things. You were the one who allowed me to play basketball along with Aomine-kun on the same court. I was happy... so happy. I was just about to quit the club that day, but you appeared and just like that, you gave me hope. That even someone as weak as me can do something for the team. And even though I was a failure during my first try, you didn't laugh. You believed in me and gave me another chance. You made everything possible for me... That's why, when you changed... Sei.. I was really disappointed with myself because I was never able to do anything for you back then... That's why, even though I hated basketball that time, I made a conviction. That I would do my best to bring all of the Kiseki no Sedai back to your basketball-loving selves... But especially you. I wanted to see your smiles again, that look on your face when you see or hear something that's amusing. And that, I think, is very―"
"Stop!" Akashi overran Kuroko's words. "Why are you talking about past memories? That's not what I want to hear. What I want to say is: why are you not getting closer to me? Why are you acting so damn unusual? Why? I just wanted to —"
"I wanted you to remember." Kuroko interrupted Akashi this time. "To remember me as I am. This is not what I have planned though. I didn't mean to cry in front of you, because I want you to remember me with a smile on my face, not like this. Not when my face are overran with tears."
"Remember? Are you telling me to turn you into a memory? Tetsuya, what're you talking about? You're not planning to stay with me?"
"Sei, you know already, don't you? There's no way you couldn't have realized. And if you have realized... don't avert your eyes from the truth. Averting your eyes and running away isn't going to solve anything. Nothing will change, and nothing will return to the way it was."
It will solve nothing. Nothing will change. Nothing will return to the way it was.
It was difficult to draw a breath. The tears are beginning to stung Akashi's eyes.
"Sei, don't run away. At the very least, not now... you can't run away now."
Akashi blinked. He caught Kuroko's own pained gaze.
"...You're saying you're not real... that you're an illusion."
Kuroko nodded slowly. "...Hai. I don't exist in reality anymore."
Doesn't exist in reality. What is that? What do those words mean?
Akashi was close to screaming. Terror welled up from the core of his body. Kuroko had not run into his outstretched arms.
Not that Kuroko didn't want to. It's because he had not been able to.
Kuroko was neither able to embrace nor be embraced.
Doesn't exist in reality.
An incorporeal illusion. An incorporeal illusion.
"...Tetsuya..."
"Yes, Sei?."
"Are you telling me you're already dead?"
Akashi don't know how long it took Kuroko to reply. Could have been a few seconds, could have been … It was a long silence. Akashi's mouth was all dry inside.
"That's right," said Kuroko finally. "I'm dead."
•••
Yet come to me in dreams, that I may live
My very life again tho' cold in death.
Come back to me in dreams, that I may give
Pulse for pulse, breath for breath:
Speak low, lean low,
As long ago, my love, how long ago.
[Christina Rossetti, "Echo"]
•••
"I was killed in the apartment I'm staying at in Hokkaido," explained the bluenette. "I was making dinner when a masked person barged in and pointed a gun at me all of a sudden. Nigou attacked the man but the man simply shot him in the head." His voice caught as he recalled how his beloved pet died protecting him. The old dog wasn't even able to cry out before his life slipped away. Kuroko was shot a second later.
Akashi can't feel anything. It's like all of his systems just stopped working. "When?"
"A few months after I left."
A few months... That was when he decided to cut off his ties with the Akashi Corporation.
The redhead laughed hysterically, tears mixing in with his laughter. Everything was clear to him now. "So that's what he meant... That he will take something precious to me... So that's how it is...!"
Akashi continued laughing like a madman, his hands on his head, pulling at the crimson hair. His laughter was the only sound in the darkened apartment.
"Sei…"
"Stop it," Akashi cut him short. "I know everything. There's nothing left to be said."
Kuroko shook his head.
"Even if you didn't canceled your heir status, I still would have died. Even if I stayed, your father would still find ways to kill me. Maybe we could've met under warmer, brighter circumstances. But it's all the same. I would have had to die. Otherwise things would have only gotten harder. And I guess I didn't want to bear that kind of hardship."
"So why did you have to die?" Akashi asked, a crazed look in his eyes, the heterochromia amplifying its effect.
"It's just that we had the right love at the wrong time."
"Don't give me that kind of bull." Akashi growled, his hands clenched in tight fists at his sides as he stood and looked down at the floor.
A teardrop found its way into the tatami floor beneath him.
With trembling hands, he reached out as if to touch Kuroko's face, but stopped midway as he gazed at Kuroko with a grief-stricken face.
"Tetsuya, why do you have to die?"
"I have to, so that you can have a better life."
"But you know perfectly that I can't liv without you by my side!" Akashi roared. "I wanted to meet you again, but not like this... Not when I can't even touch you or kiss you, to feel you, to be with you again... Why does everyone I love always die in the end? Am I cursed?"
"No, you're not," said the bluenette, quietly.
"And I can't even do anything about it," muttered Akashi darkly. "It's the same with Mother. I was powerless. Weak."
"People are weak." Kuroko's voice was soft.
"As a general rule, yes, that's true," Akashi snapped. "But what I'm talking about now is a very individual thing. Weakness is something that rots in the body. I've never felt that ever since I was the death of my mother. That's why I was always on edge. There's this something inside you that's rotting away and you feel it all along. Can you understand what that's like?"
Kuroko sat silent.
"Of course you would," the redhead continued. "You're well acquainted with it ever since you were little. So am I. Beneath the tough exterior was nothing but a scared child. Despite my absoluteness, I was unable to do a thing when it matters most. Just like how I was never able to visit Mother more often in the hospital. And now, your death. Which I'm completely ignorant until now."
"Sei, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault."
Akashi laughed. This time the laugh came off. "If it's not my fault, then whose is it?"
"...It's no one's fault. It was something that's bound to happen, no matter what we do about it. It's..."
"So you're saying this was Fate's decree?"
"Yes." Kuroko stood up. He stood right in front of Akashi. His hand moved to caress Akashi's face, only that it never made contact with the other's skin. Kuroko went to him, into his arms, pressing his face against his shoulder, clinging to him, shaking so hard as his body was racked with sobs.
All these Akashi could not even feel.
His arms came around Kuroko, strong, safe arms, and Akashi pretended that he was holding Kuroko tight against him. The faint tremor in Kuroko's body had to be Akashi's imagination.
Akashi put a hand against Kuroko's head, gently stroking the soft blue hair as he remembered how it would feel like, just like before. "Tetsuya," he whispered in Kuroko's ear. "I love you."
"I love you, too, Sei," Kuroko whispered, and Akashi wanted to laugh, somewhere near hysteria. If only he could just wake up from this beautiful nightmare that he was in...
But he knew that this was no nightmare. This is no dream. Everything is as real the terrible pain in his chest. And so Akashi stayed that way, clinging to Kuroko, and Kuroko made no effort to move, giving Akashi the time he needed.
After some time, Kuroko raised his head finally. Akashi was calmer now, his eyes soft, yet still filled with pain. But at least, the mad look in them a while ago was now extinguished.
"So why did you come back?" Akashi didn't recognize his own voice—it was small and strained.
Kuroko's smile was so sweet, his heart broke just by looking at it. It might be the last time that he gets to see it in person, aside from the ones in their photos. Akashi captured that smile and tucked it in his memory.
"I have one last thing to ask you to do, Sei."
"One last thing?"
"I'm not asking you to forget me. But I don't want you to tie yourself to me. If you ever find someone else to love, then do so. I want you to be happy, Sei. That's all I wish of you."
Akashi briefly closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again, liquid red and gold stared back at Kuroko's pale blue ones, a mixture of hurt, of regret, of resignation, of acceptance.
"So this is how it goes," he said in a shaky voice. "So be it. Just two last questions."
"Okay."
"First, do you love me, Tetsuya?"
Kuroko blinked. "Of course, Sei. I love you with my life. Even if I'm no longer in the same plane as you, my love for you has never changed. Remember Shakespeare's sonnet?"
Akashi swallowed, trying to hold back a sob and nodded at Kuroko's question. He let out a shaky breath. "Yes. Second, will I see you again?"
Kuroko answered this one with a smile as Akashi's tears started to fall once more. "We will, when the time is right. Preferably somewhere brighter, maybe in summer," said Kuroko. "Remember my request, Sei. I was supposed to give you a birthday gift but I ended up as the one asking something from you."
Akashi was openly crying now. "...Tetsuya..." He tried to tighten his hug around Kuroko but his arms passed right through the bluenette's body and he ended up hugging himself. In anguish, his knees gave under him and he fell to the floor, kneeling, his hands clawing at the floor as his tears fell freely down his cheeks, his sobs coming out unrestrained from his mouth. Kuroko can do nothing but to watch Akashi, and in this state of helplesness, Kuroko started to vry as well, wanting to put an arm around Akashi, to comfort him, but all he can do was to kneel beside the redhead where they both cried in silent tears, drowning in their sorrows and at the injustice of the world - of how it separated the two of them in such a cruel way.
On Akashi's watch, it was three minutes before one.
Akashi lay on the bed that had been unused for years, while Kuroko perched on the edge beside him. Kuroko ran his hand up Akashi's arm and to the redhead's face, where he can see the streaks of dried tears.
"I have to get going now, Sei," Kuroko whispered.
"You're going so soon?" Akashi's voice was hoarse from all the crying earlier, but he had accepted the fact that the one he loved had moved on to another world far different from his.
A moment's pause came between them as they reached some sort of a silent agreement.
"Goodbye," Kuroko said, standing up to leave.
"Don't say that word, Tetsuya. Don't. Anything but that," Akashi pleaded.
Kuroko's eyes widened, unable to say anything. Then, his eyes softened as an idea came up to him. He smiled, the one he reserves only for Akashi, and said sweetly, almost like a song.
"Good night, Sei."
Akashi closed his eyes and listened. Kuroko's shoes scuffed across the floor, the door opened. Freezing cold air entered the room. Not a breeze, but a slow-spreading, sinking chill.
Kuroko stood in the open doorway for a moment. He seemed to be staring at something, not the scenery outside, not the room interior, but some completely other thing. The doorknob or the tip of his shoe, something. Then, as if closing the door of time, the door swung shut with a click.
Afterward all was silent. There was nothing else left but silence.
•••
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of the future that you planned:
Only remember me: you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.
[Christina Rossetti, "Remember"]
•••
A certain bluenette looked down on a sleeping redhead. His pale blue eyes had a fond look as he watched the rise and fall of the sleeper's chest. He sighed in regret. No matter how hard he wished, he could no longer crawl beneath the sheets with him, could no longer wrap his body around his, and sink into that warm pleasure of him. All he could do was to watch, to lean over and put his mouth against his lips in a kiss that he wouldn't be able to feel, much less remember when he wakes up in the morning.
All he could do was leave him.
***Preparing for death threats in 1, 2, 3...***