A/N: Alright! Here, have some angst for Valentine's Day. *laugh* Link/Allen again - what is happening to me? *hides*
Title: Selfishness
Author: liketolaugh
Rating: T
Pairings: Link/Allen
Genre: Romance/Angst
Warnings: Slight AU
Summary: Link hadn't been able to look Allen in the eye since he regained control, and for the first time, he regretted accepting a task from Leverrier. But he wouldn't back out. He couldn't.
Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.
The inn room was quiet. The only sounds were the soft brushes of cloth on cloth and the hairbrush dragging through Link's hair.
Link was glad he was facing away from Allen, because he hadn't been able to look the young exorcist in the eye since he'd regained control. He might have tried to slip away, if he'd had a little warning, but Kanda, of course, was having none of it, and had not only kept Link from leaving, but told Allen flat-out that he was there for Neah.
Kanda and Johnny had gone out to get food, leaving Link and Allen behind. Link would be surprised, if Allen hadn't made it so clear he wanted to be alone with Link.
He'd braced himself - Allen would surely be angry, and damn it, he had every right - but Allen had just asked, very quietly, if he could braid Link's hair again. And Link had accepted out of confusion, and neither of them had spoken since.
Now Allen was silently running the brush through Link's hair, meticulously making sure there weren't any tangles left in it. Link felt the white-haired boy's bare fingers - the human ones, because the Innocence hand tended to get caught - run through his hair, and then he set the brush aside. He still wasn't speaking.
Link couldn't remember the last time another person had made him feel this nervous.
He felt Allen divide his hair into sections and then begin to weave them together, slow and gentle. He swallowed, brown eyes fixed on the bedspread directly in front of him.
"Aren't you angry?" he asked at last, when Allen was halfway done, still not having said a word.
"...No." Allen's movements barely faltered.
Link tensed, confusion throwing his mind into turmoil. "Why not?" he asked helplessly, not caring that he was essentially throwing himself at Allen's mercy.
"Why would I be? You're just doing your job."
Something about Allen's tone, too quiet and too even, bothered Link, and he started to turn around, brow furrowed in worry. Allen stopped him with a feather-light touch on his shoulder, and he turned back to the front. "Why?" he repeated, disbelieving and aching with guilt that Allen refused to validate. "Because I let you think I was dead. Because I followed you for months without ever speaking to you. Because-" Because I am supporting the Fourteenth instead of you.
Allen sighed softly; it blew across Link's hair, almost too light to feel. "You're just doing your job," he repeated, some slight strain audible in his voice. He tied off Link's braid and scooted back.
Link turned around, expression twisting slightly as worry developed into frustration. "'I'm just doing my job'?" he repeated harshly, watching Allen bring his knees to his chest and wrap his arms around them, silver eyes soft and pensive. "Don't you care? Do think this is a joke, Allen? This means that I will have to actively support the Fourteenth as he tries to erase you! I will help him suppress you! I am choosing him! Doesn't that matter to you at all?"
Because it mattered to Link. It mattered to Link a lot, and he'd been so sure that it would bother Allen too. Had he been wrong?
No. After months of observing Allen at all times, after seeing him more vulnerable than perhaps anyone had since Mana, Link knew Allen better than anyone. He was not wrong.
For a moment, just a moment, Link could see the misery and the hurt in Allen's eyes, and he regretted letting a single one of those words cross his lips. Then Allen's face shut down again - he could see it for what it was now - and he rested his chin on his knees, eyes holding only an echo of the pain he'd seen a second before.
"It does matter to me," he said softly. "It does. But you want this, right? Your job as a CROW means a lot to you, I know. And so you have to choose the Fourteenth." He smiled, a little thing with so much emotion in it that Link actually flinched. "It's okay. I understand."
Link's mouth was dry. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Allen repeated. "I should have known."
Link wished that the world would stop falling down around him. "You should have known what?"
Allen reached up and threaded his fingers through his own hair, not-so-coincidentally hiding most of his face. "That you'd eventually choose someone over me." He took a deep, shaky breath while Link was frozen, and let it out in a painful-sounding laugh. "Don't mind me. I was being stupid and selfish. I still am."
Link started to reach for him but stopped himself short, curling his fingers into a fist instead, face lined with frustration and pain of his own. "No. No, you're not." I am. "You… You deserve someone that puts you first. I'm sorry." He withdrew his hand to tuck it guiltily against himself. "I didn't mean for it to be this way." If I'd known, I never would have let myself near you. You don't deserve this.
"I know you didn't," Allen murmured, tilting his head back up to give Link a small, gentle smile. "Things happen. Neither of us expected this. I'm sorry that I can't let you have this, either."
"Don't be," Link said, fervently enough to surprise even himself. He moved to sit a little closer to Allen, and was both humbled and gratified when he didn't move away, even leaning into him a little, closing his eyes. "Is there anything…" He trailed off, because it was a stupid question. Nothing would make this any better, or easier, or nicer.
Allen's breath hitched slightly and Link felt like the biggest asshole in the world. "...Tell me you love me?"
"I love you," Link whispered, with every bit of emotion he could coax from his choked throat.
Allen's head nuzzled against Link's shoulder, and Link moved his arm to hold Allen so he wouldn't slide away on accident. "Thank you. I love you too."
Okay! *beam* So that hurt to write, a little. *laugh* Allen has, uh. Abandonment issues. *rueful* And I took a lot more liberties with Link than I did in Midnight Oil. *worried* Anyway, thanks for reading, and please review!