Dealing with a Marauder

Chapter One: Those Without Wands Be Warned (in which Lily contemplates the beginning of the end)

I honestly don't know how I get myself into these situations. No one else seems to. It's always me. The perfectionist, fiery, redheaded goody-two-shoes. Everyone else, for example, an enter a toilet cubicle without the toilet paper deciding to go on vacation. Unfortunately, I am me (smart cookie, aren't I?), and I find myself in that very situation on what is proving to be a rather terrible Thursday lunchtime.

Normally, being a witch and all, I'd just use magic to conjure some toilet paper. But naturally, the day I find myself in this somewhat terrifying situation is the one day I've (stupidly) left my wand sitting on my bed. I repeat: smart cookie, aren't I?

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Not much point saying that out loud, since the bathroom is empty, but the situation just calls for verbalising obscenities.

My mum always says how cursing gets you nowhere.

I contemplated this for a while.

She's right. Here I am, still stuck in my cubicle. Damn eh? Using the 'f' word hasn't gotten me out of here.

Which I must do. I must scheme to get out of this goddamn toilet cubicle – I mean, I can't stay here forever, right?

No, I definitely can't. Ew, I can't believe I just actually considered living in a toilet cubicle for my whole life.

Okay – so back to me getting out of here. Realistically, I have two options.

Option one: Be disgusting (no details are really required here) and just skip that step in my bathroom procedure.

Option two: Wait until someone enters the bathroom and ask them to pass me some.

Being Lily Evans, I'm taking a liking to the second option – it presents a higher level of personal hygiene, and a perfectionist needs her (or his) hygiene.

Hm. Seems rather unproductive sitting here doing nothing.

Five minutes…

Oh goodie, the bell for the end of lunch just went.

Sweet Merlin, thankyou. As I've established – living in a toilet cubicle is definitely not my goal in life.

Surely people would be flocking to the bathrooms soon. It's the end of lunch – it's like peak hour for bathroom-use.

Any second…

Okay… soon…

Come on people.

I can't believe it. What is this place?

Hogwarts yes, I know, but doesn't anyone drink and consequently need to pee?

This smells a lot like a case of Murphy's Law. The one time you need mass amounts of people to be lining up to the toilet is the one time it is deserted. Much like the aforementioned "leaving wand behind" syndrome.

Or how the one day you forgot to do your homework (not that I ever forget, but let's just say hypothetically) is the one day the professor checks it?

Life sucks, no?

Bang.

What the bloody hell was that?!

Yep. Explosion confirmed – the shrieking has begun.

Once there's shrieking then you always get - … rapping?

"Yo check it out Hogwarts:

We've got here houses – just four

You know most of the story, but we're here to tell you more.

Ravenclaw's smart and Hufflepuff's cute,

Slytherin's as retarded as a blast-ended screwt,

But there's one more house that you should know,

And that's Gryffindor – we make the show,

Here to rock your socks,

And show those Slytherin co - people,

We're brave and proud,

Not scared to be too loud,

We've got the ideal mix,

We'll kick those Slytherin di – heaps,

One day you'll be like us maybe,

But til then we say to you: GRYFFINDOR PRIDE, BABY!"

Hah! That's right – GRYFFINDOR PRIDE. Oh wait – I'm supposed to be a prefect. Oh well, I'm stuck in a toilet cubicle. I may take a temporary break to enjoy the humour of the situation.

I wonder who did it, not that it isn't obvious.

It's probably the bloody Marauders again. FYI – the Marauders are the resident pranksters here at Hoggy's.

I have mixed emotions about them – they're half annoying, half hilarious. I generally choose to display my disapproval rather than my amusement though, because after all I'm a prefect and I have to uphold school values and such.

I'm pretty sure laughing at the breaking of rules doesn't fall under that category.

Anywho, someone has just opened the door! If I was not sitting down, I would totally do a victory dance.

Unknown enter-ers (I can invent words as I see fit, thankyou very much!) are talking. Obviously I'm eavesdropping, it's kind of hard not to in an otherwise silent bathroom.

"Bloody brilliant, Prongs! Worked a treat – did you see their faces?!" Unknown Person One speaks.

Headless flying hippogriffs – that voice is male. Not to mention it sounds suspiciously like Sirius Black. I could have a hernia right here, right now.

(Chuckle) "Why thankyou Padfoot! But of course my ideas always work. I think the success of this particular one is emphasised by the sheer innovation of the prank. And who'd have thought something as simple as singing sludge," Unknown Person Two gloats (I would say speaks, but it's too arrogant to be considered speech).

I am almost certain that Unknown Person Two is James Potter. That prat has been chasing me for years. After a million rejections you'd think he'd get the picture. But alas! – it is not so. He insists on asking me out, as well as threatening anyone else who asks me out with no less than painful torture followed by the killing curse.

Thus, even if I did have other guys chasing me, they are somewhat driven away by the Boy Insisting That (being) Charming Helps (get me to date him). BITCH for short.

Okay, so that abbreviation isn't that great. At least it gives me a chance to call him a bitch.

"I reckon. The Slytherins will be seething. Seeing their housemate say such things about their house. And it wasn't just as simple as singing sludge – we had to get Remmy to freeze him remember?"

"Speaking of which - isn't Moony supposed to be along soon? He's taking an awfully long time."

"Yeah. I spose."

"They'd better be along soon or we'll get caught for this one…"

"Erm, Prongs?"

"…which'd be pretty bad because it's such a success and all, and McGonnagal didn't see us, so there's no way we'll get detention…"

"Prongs!"

"What is it Padfoot?!"

I'm thinking the same thing. What is Black so uptight about?

I heard a gasp, then silence.

The air is suddenly a whole lot thicker – you know how it gets when someone realises something? Yeah, like that.

Someone's stepping closer. Fu - lobberworms.

I am hereby abandoning my sense of hygiene and fully clothing myself due to a May-day. I have reason to believe Unknown Persons One and Two are approaching.

I will not suffer that kind of humiliation, especially in front of the likes of James Potter and Sirius Black.

The footsteps suddenly stopped. I think I've stopped breathing. That's not good.

God it's quiet in here – you could hear a pin drop.

Okay, so nothing's happening.

Screw this, I'm not waiting any longer. I have pride and dignity and confidence. I am Lily Evans, for Merlin's sake!

I open the door forcefully, feeling it connect with something hard.

Unknown Persons One and Two are no longer unknown. They are most definitely Sirius Black and James Potter (respectively), and they are most definitely… clutching their heads and displaying expressions of pain?

Oh right. I hurt them when I opened the door. Ha!

"Merlin, my nose! It's disfigured! No longer am I Sirius-the-sex-God-Black."

I don't care how much pain he's in – I can't help it. I roll my eyes.

All Potter could manage was a loud grunt. Wow, how intellectual of him.

He looks really sore though. I'm feeling a tad guilty. I'd best apologise.

"Sorry it's just – I – you weren't supposed to be there!"

Half way through my apology I decided it wasn't really my fault. I mean, they shouldn't have been right outside a door, which is bound to be opened.

"I don't care where I was supposed to be! This is my nose here!"

I mentally snorted (real snorting isn't very becoming). He's not self obsessed, not at all.

"What he means to say is you look very stunning today, Miss Evans."

Aww how sweet – not! I gave him my best "ice cold glare" (It's so perfected I named it).

"Before you ask – answer's no."

"How did you know I was going to ask?"

"Potter, when do you not?"

"Touché."

Honestly, I know this guy too well. Pretty much every conversation we've had has consisted of him asking me out, and me refusing with some slightly scathing words, hoping to drive him away.

Black and Potter picked themselves up from the ground. Black examined his former sex-God nose in the mirror, pulling out his wand and stopping the flow of blood with a simple charm.

"And I'm back to sex-God status," Black announced, styling his hair and still checking himself out in the mirror.

I had another mental snort. He is so obsessed with his appearance, for a guy.

Woah, wait a second…guy. Black is a guy!

No I'm not stupid, what I'm trying to say is that he's a guy in the girls' bathrooms. And so is Potter. They're on female territory!

I nearly growled. Like, actually growled.

"Wait a minute – what the hell are you guys doing in here!?"

A valid question if I may say so myself.

"Well, very simply – we're hiding whilst waiting for Remus and Peter to meet up with us," Black answered honestly. Or what I think is honestly anyways.

"And just why are you hiding?"

I know it's a stupid question – but I want to hear them say it. That was I can used my perfect prefect authority on them.

Potter feigned disappointment.

"Damn, did you miss the song Evans?"

I pulled a face at him which was probably very ugly, but he just grinned at me. Bloody prat. Be repulsed already!

"No, I heard the song. Unfortunately, I was unable to see it. Care to fill in the blanks? If I was there what would I have seen, hm?"

I put on the best tell-the-truth-or-face-my-perfect-prefect-wrath face.

Black examined his nails casually.

"Well, being the clever sods that we are - "

Haha. Sods indeed! I never thought I'd agree with Sirius Black.

"- we managed to body-bind Snape, shove singing sludge down his throat and allow him to rap our wonderful creation for the whole corridor!"

How the hell did they manage to brew singing sludge? It's such a difficult potion! Oh wait – they're the Maruaders. They have Remus Lupin on their team…

They could do anything they liked and get away with it. Prank everyone in the school, and entertain people and get back at their enemies – especially Snape.

Oh hold on. Inner prefect kicking in right about now.

"You WHAT?"

"Now, now Evans – no need to get mad. No one was hurt -"

Potter had some nerve saying that. I walked over to the sink and began violently washing my hands. Perhaps that's what cut him off. Or perhaps it was my angry ranting.

"I don't care if no one was hurt, you broke about three school rules. Not to mention that Snape is, in fact, a human being – despite what you may believe. I ought to report you to McGonagall."

I crossed my arms to make me look a little more authoritative.

"No you won't Evans."

I snapped out of my authoritative stance immediately.

Merlin, Black was so menacing. Part of me is actually really scared right now. Just that tone he uses! It's perfectly freaky. He should really become a judge in the ministry or something – he's scare the truth right out of anyone.

"Yes, I will. I can, I will."

Great answer. Oh well. I have an excuse – fear down to my bones.

I made to exit the bathrooms, but Potter blocked my move.

"Get out of the way Potter."

He smirked. Actually smirked. Why was he smirking?!

"No Evans, you can't tell on us. It was a harmless prank and you're making a big deal out of it."

"It is my duty as prefect to uphold school rules and make sure -"

"Oh really? Who. Cares."

I glared at Black.

"I do!"

I indicated to myself for emphasis.

"Evans, I swear – if you tell I will .. you'll regret it."

Black had that evil glint in his eye. And I was suddenly very frightened. After all, with a surname like "Black" you have to have the Evil Glint down pact.

The way he enunciated each word made me very aware of the fact that I was wandless in the girls' bathrooms with James Potter and Sirius Black – not exactly people who didn't know a few nasty hexes or whatnot.

"That sounded very much like a threat, Black."

Hopefully the coldness in my tone hid the terror inside me.

"Padfoot, cool it - " I don't think I've ever been more thankful to hear Potter's voice "- Look, Lily, what will it take for you not to tell?"

His features were completely serious, but I couldn't be sure of his motives. He is a Marauder.

"Are you bribing me?"

"No, I am merely proposing that we make a deal."

Okay, so he's bribing me. I paused, considering the concept.

Oh, I can't resist a good bribe.

"Okay. What is this proposal of yours?"

He gulped, rather visibly.

"I won't ask you out for one month, if you don't tell."

Oh my God. This has to be a joke. James Potter? Not asking me out?

"Are you serious?"

"No, I'm - "

I sent Black the biggest "shut up" look I could muster. Potter had done the same.

"Yep. I'll stop a-asking you out for a month if you don't tell McGonagall."

I contemplated this. I mean, if I tell McGonagall what do I get in return? Nothing. So…

"Alright."

"But if you do tell – you have to go on a date with me."

I don't think anyone can grin lopsidedly quite like James Potter.

"Okay."

It was not like I was going to tell on them anyways. He was starting to look a little shocked by now, but he grinned even more.

"This applies to all our pranking though – you can't dob on us, deduct points from us or give us detentions for any of our pranks. Deal?"

Woah. That's an awful lot they can get away with…

Damn Potter. He knows I won't back out! And I won't.

I sighed. How did I get here again? Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot my wand and James Potter was born.

I sighed again.

"Evans…?"

Oh I guess I'd better answer him.

"Deal." I shook his extended hand.

"Am I free to go now?"

"Oh. Yeah, sure."

He nervously ran his hand through his hair and stepped aside.

I felt a secret stab of jealousy towards him – how was it that he could run his hands through his hair and still have it look perfect?

Well. Admittedly it is messy…. But it's a good messy! Hmph.

Realising I should probably stop staring at him, I cleared my throat and said goodbye. My mum says it always pays to be polite.

I walked briskly out of the bathroom and down the corridor, with the oddest feeling that this deal was the beginning of the end.

How dramatic of me.

A/N: And there you have it. Chapter one of my new Fic. I kind of need a name…since this one is gay and all – so suggestions are welcomed!

Just so you know a bit about how I'm going to write this: As keen observers, you may have noticed that this is written from Lily's point of view. The next chapter I am thinking will be told from James' and then I'll do some other characters (probably Sirius and Remus) and then go back to James and Lily's perspective. I expect that this fic will be anywhere from 7-10 chapters depending on how much I can think of to write. Ha.

Well, I hope you liked it – please review, because reviews equal love.

--- Michelle