Want to start off by saying a huge thank you to all the people who have alerted me and my other stories. I also want to say I'm so sorry I have not updated any of them. I have gone through some things in my life that have made writing impossible. One is that I completed a program that I needed to become considered highly qualified as a teacher. The other is one of my students passed away in September. That has been one of the single hardest things I have gone through and have not been in the writing mood. This is a story idea that has been on my mind for a long time and it wound up being longer than I planned. It's a song Fic. It's called "A Million Ways to Run" sung by Terri Clark. Don't own the song, Don't own NCIS, Jenny, or Gibbs. The only person who belongs to me is Katherine. R&R and I promise I will start working on some of my other stuff.
A Million Ways to Run
In the basement of the church.
I took the last chair in the room
Jenny walked in through the back door of a local DC church. This was not somewhere she normally came. She had not been to church in years. It was not even somewhere she came because she wanted to. Watching people begin to file in, she thought about what had lead her to be at this event.
Jenny was sitting at her desk, bourbon in hand, staring at a picture of Renee Benoit on the plasma screen. It had been over a week since she had last seen him. She had honestly thought putting a bullet between his eyes would solve all her problems but the truth was it had just made them worse. Now she had blood on her hands. The blood of a man she wasn't as sure as she was before committed the crime she killed him for. In hind sight, she wasn't positive he killed her father. Now here she was downing drink after drink in an attempt to forget what she had done. She was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of her door slamming. She looked up and saw the last person she had wanted to see.
"Director"
Jenny put her glass down and stood up. "Sir, what can I do for you?"
The SecNav pointed to the drink on her desk. "How many does that make?"
Jenny looked at what he was pointing at and looked back at him confused. "I don't know what you mean. I was not aware that it was against policy to enjoy a drink in your office."
"Cut the crap Jennifer. I know all about the things that have been going on around here recently. The undercover assignments, the risky ops, and the late night meetings with informants in an attempt to go after your personal obsession, Renee Benoit."
"I still don't under…"
"I also know about your behavior, Jennifer. I know about the fact that you go through Bourbon like most go through water. You go out to eat and have on average five drinks. You leave a little more than tipsy and stumbling. Your protection detail had to physically walk you inside your home because you couldn't walk by yourself. I also know about the fact that you have had to stay here on several occasions because you were passed out drunk."
Jenny dropped her head in shame. She sat in her chair and began looking inside her drawer. She located her badge and placed it on her desk. "Are you going to fire me?"
The SecNav walked to a chair in front of her desk and took a seat. "I came today to open my own personal investigation. Jennifer you are one of the best directors this agency has ever had. I can see that you are not currently intoxicated. But I can't ignore what I do know. You need to get yourself help. I know this place that is very discreet with these situations." He takes a card out of his pocket and places it on her desk, pushing it closer to her.
"And if I don't feel I have a problem and don't want help."
The SecNav stood up and walked toward the door. "Jennifer, please understand this is not a request. If you choose not to get the help you need, I will be forced to remove you from the director's chair. Meeting is tonight, be there."
Embarrassed and ashamed,
but that all began to change,
when she stood up and spoke her truth.
She was pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of chairs scrapping against the floor. She pulled Jethro's old marines baseball cap farther down her face to cover her eyes. She had to wear his hat because it was the only one she owned except for her NCIS hat from her Probie days. There was no way in hell she could wear that one. Her red hair and that hat would be a dead give away to who she was and no one could know she was there. The repercussions of the media finding out she was here could be damming. Any male in DC could have an alcohol problem, hell even a drug problem, and it would be fine. All he would have to do is go to some cushy rehab center, get out, and be back at work in a matter of weeks. Jenny was a different story. There would be talks about how the job was too much for her. People would demand she resign. People already thought NCIS had to be crazy to hire a woman for a position with that much power. There had been talk about her since she had become the director. They had said she had used the fact she was a woman to get where she was. That she had slipped straight from someone's bed into the director's chair. Those were all lies. This though wasn't.
Her thoughts were once again interrupted by a woman starting the meeting. She looked around the room and saw that everyone's eyes were on the woman speaking. If she wanted to leave, now would be the perfect moment. No one would see her. She would not have to explain herself or why she was there. No one was holding her back. No one except for the SecNav. He had told her that she had to be at this meeting. She had no idea how he was going to know that she showed up. He could show up. He could have someone there that would tell him that she was there and then left. This was her job on the line and she wasn't willing to give that up. If all she had to do was show up for one meeting, then so be it.
Her investigative skills came out when she saw movement come from beside her. She looked and saw a woman walk into the room and move toward the stage. She heard the woman that began the meeting say something about a special guest speaker and Jenny figured that this woman must be it. The way she looked had Jenny intrigued on just who she was and what she was going to say. The woman reminded Jenny of her self. She was attractive, fairly young, and was wearing a suite that Jenny had just bought from her favorite store. It wasn't just her looks though that she felt connected too. The woman had an air of confidence and power that Jenny recognized in her self. Maybe she was a motivational speaker. Who ever she was though had Jenny glued to her seat, waiting to her what she was going to say.
She said I came here years ago, when I lost my sanity,
I hit an all time-low,
but then I found serenity.
The woman walked up to the microphone and started speaking. "Hello, my name is Katherine Greene and I'm a lawyer. I'm sure all of you are looking at me and wondering what on earth is this woman here to talk to me about. How can she relate to me and my problem?" She looked around the room, giving each person some kind of eye contact but her eyes set on Jenny as she continued. "I'm here to talk to you because I'm just like you."
The eye contact was broken when a loud huff of disbelief was heard from across the room. "I know it maybe hard to believe looking at me today but I can still remember the night I walked into those doors." She pointed at the doors by Jenny. She also pointed to a seat near the back of the room about six down from Jenny. "I sat in that very seat. I came here 3 years 10 months and 2 days ago. I had lost my mind. I was as low as I could go and honestly thought that there was no hope for me. Before I tell you about how this place helped me I want all of you to understand what lead me here."
She reached into her oversized purse and pulled out a picture. In it was a very handsome man in a police officer uniform and a boy of about 3 or 4 years old. "This picture was taken about 2 years before I came here. These two are the most important men in my life. When this picture was taken I was living the perfect life. I had been married to the most wonderful man for 5 years. He was an officer with the DC police department. I was one of the leading criminal defense attorneys in DC. We had a four year old son who had just started preschool and worshiped the ground his daddy walked on. His name was Alex. We were the all American family."
Jenny noticed the woman's eyes begin to tear up. "In November, Alex's school had a great idea of take your child to work day. I couldn't take him because I had a full day in court. Plus what little boy would want to spend the day with his mommy in a boring court room, when his daddy was a real life hero, a police officer. Michael took him to the police station to hang out for the day. I finished up in court at 6:00 PM and headed home. Mike called and told me that they would be heading home at 7 and to expect them no later than 7:30. He also told me that he would be coming home in the police car. He wanted to give Alex the full experience of being a cop and riding in the car. Usually, the officers don't drive the cars home unless they work the graveyard shift but Mike spoke with the chief. He had a little boy himself and knew that all little boys want to ride in the car so he said it would be ok. I could hear the excitement in Alex's voice. I got supper ready and waited on them to come home. 8:00 rolled around and they weren't at home. I tried calling Mike and got no answer. I figured that they were caught in traffic and Mike didn't answer because he was driving with Alex in the car. When 9:00 rolled around I panicked. First place I called was the station. An officer told me that Mike and Alex left at 7. While on the phone the doorbell rang. I went to the door hoping that maybe Mike had forgot his keys but found Mike's chief at the door. When you have been married to a cop for five years you know that it's never good news when an officer comes to your door. He confirmed my worst fears. Both my husband and my son were dead. When they left the station, there was a bad accident on one of the road Mike used to come home. Instead of taking the detour that was laid out, Mike went through a short cut. The short cut however was in the shadier parts of DC. That night a local gang decided to do an initiation. What better of an initiation than to do a drive by and what better of a target than a cop car? The members opened fire on the car with semi automatic weapons. They didn't have a chance."
The tears were running down her face by this point. Her voice was cracking. She was no longer looking at any one in the room. Her eyes were trained on the door. "I was told that they went quick. That they didn't suffer. I also was told that they were able to find the people that did it. An eye witness saw what happened and was able to tell them everything. I wanted to know who it was. I wanted to face the people and make sure they knew what they had done. When I went to the station, one of the gang members I saw made me sick. One of the members was a client of mine about a month before. I had been able to get him off of murder charges because the police didn't have enough evidence to prove that he had been the one to pull the trigger. I later found out in trial that it was his idea to shoot my husband's car. He wanted to show the newbies how to handle things. Not only did I have to live with the knowledge that my family was gone, I was the reason they were dead."
I took shelter hiding from the pain, in any place
to make it go away.
Jenny could see the pain in the woman's eyes. She could only imagine what this had done to her. With what had happened no one could blame her for anything that she did. Hell, to be honest, Jenny was surprised that she was even standing there. If those things had happened to her, she would have ended her suffering long ago. How could anyone live with the guilt of not only your husband and son dying but also know that your job allowed the person to do it? It had to have taken a lot of courage not to eat a bullet.
Katherine continued her speech. "I started off consumed in revenge. There was no way I was going to allow the people that had murdered my husband and little boy to get off. I drowned myself in law books, changed my entire mind frame. I was no longer a defense attorney hell bent on getting someone off. I was a devoted wife and mother who worked with the prosecution to make sure that these bastards spent every waking moment for the rest of their sorry lives in prison. I didn't care how far it went or how long it took; I was going to make sure that someone paid." She unclenched her fist and took a sip of the water that was sitting on the podium. "The trial ended 6 months after it began. Everyone in the car got a life sentence. The gang leader who came up with the idea was sentenced to three life sentences with no possibility of parole. My mission was complete. I really thought that would stop my pain. That I would feel that justice was served but when everything was over I still felt hollow. Now I had nothing to fill up my nights and I was left with the sounds of an empty house. I played what if games with myself; what if I had insisted that Alex came with me, what if the chief hadn't let Mike take the car, what if they had left a little later or a little earlier, what if I had listened to Mike when he said Alex didn't need to start school that year, what if I had listened to my gut when it told me not to defend this man, he was guilty, and what if I hadn't been so damn good at my job and he had went to jail. I had to find something else to make me feel better. I had to find anything to make the pain go away.
In the arms of a stranger
keeping company with danger,
or staring' down the barrel of a gun
At the bottom of a bottle,
getting numb with every swallow,
it's easy, when it's what you've always done,
With a Million Ways to Run
"That was when I started doing the things that lead me here. I found that the only way I could go to sleep at night was to drink so much that I passed out. Alcohol would numb me until I couldn't feel anything. With that knowledge, the drinks at night became an all day thing. After a while drinking was not enough. I remembered clients talking about how they turned to drugs to make the pain go away. I was at the point I was willing to try anything. I called up my old clients to find out where I could score. I started off with the light drugs, mainly pot, but that wasn't enough. Soon I was doing cocaine, heroin, LSD. Anything that would make me forget what had happened. After a year and a half of doing this, I could look in the mirror and not even know myself. I was a Skelton. I honestly looked like the walking dead. When I was in the hospital for the fifth time for cardiac problems, my doctor confronted me with my problem. He told me that I had one of two options. I could come here and get myself help or he was going to involuntarily admit me into a rehab program to clean me out. It was either stop the drugs or die. I took the first choice and walked myself through those doors and got the help I need." She took a long pause. "This place helped me get my life back. It was a long hard road. There have been several times that I wanted to run back to the drugs but I knew they were not the answer to my problems. No matter how many drugs I took, my son and husband were not coming back. It wasn't going to change what happened. The only thing that could change was me. I took my life back and now I have a wonderful life. I'm sober. I now work as one of the leading prosecuting lawyers in DC. I met a new man, got married and now we have a beautiful daughter. I still have the guilt of what happened but now I have learned to live with what happened."
I was the first one out the door
But her words echoed in my head
The crowd clapped when Katherine was done. She stepped off the stage and took a seat down front. The woman who started the meeting came back up. She gave her speech about how things were their choice. No one else could make them do what they didn't want to. It took about 5 minutes and then she announced the meeting was over. She welcomed people to come and speak with Katherine if they wanted.
It took Jenny all of 2 minutes to make up her mind to leave without speaking to anyone. She was the first one out the door. As she made her way to her black BMW, she thought back to what Katherine had said. "It wasn't going to change what happened. The only thing that could change was me. I took my life back." Jenny had always been someone who took her life into her own hands. If she wanted something bad enough, she was the one who would fight tooth and nail to make it happen. Some self doubt came flooding to her. What if she was too far gone? What if she had done too much and could never get over it?
I took the long way home
but no longer felt alone
Cause I'd lived everything she said
She needed more time to think and she knew she couldn't do that at home. If she went back there all she would think about was her dad. She would think about the last meeting she had with Benoit and how that lead to her killing him. She wanted to be somewhere she could honestly think about what had happened tonight and figure out what she was going to do. She understood where Katherine was coming from. She had been there herself. She had done things she wasn't proud of. The things she had done to figure out the truth, to get Benoit had been totally against her nature. She had sent Tony in to get to his daughter. She knew it was not a good idea. She knew it was possible that he would fall for her. She didn't care what happened to him. She really hoped that they would fall for each other. The best way to get information is to seduce it out of someone. In her mind they were collateral damage. And killing Benoit. She had never been comfortable with just killing someone but she was willing to put a bullet between his eyes without thinking twice. She stood there, held his hand in a way she knew that he couldn't get away, and she done it so he would know who did it. She wanted to watch him as he died. She killed him in cold blood.
It wasn't just what she had done recently as director either that she felt ashamed of. She was willing to do anything to get to the director's chair. She hadn't done what many thought she had done. She had never had sex with any man to get here but there were things that were against her nature. She had agreed to take on dangerous assignments. She gave no regards to her life or the life of anyone she worked with. She had gotten herself in so much trouble in Cairo that if it hadn't been for Ziva she would be dead right now.
She had also given up the life she had wanted from the time she was a little girl. Before her dad died, she was in college studying political science. While she did have a job in the political circle, it wasn't what she expected. She wanted to become Senator and work on her way to becoming the first woman president. She imagined being married and having kids. Now, she was all alone. It wasn't because it wasn't possible for her to be married. She had been involved with several men; just none of them were good enough to get married to. She hadn't loved any of them enough. None of them except…
I thought about lost moments of my past
And then I knew, there was no going back...
Jethro. He was the one man that had been in life that she could imagine having a life with. She thought back to Paris. She had been so in love with him. She loved walking down the streets with him, holding his hand. She could still remember the night he first told her that he loved her. They had been walking down the streets of Paris. It began to rain. They both ran hand in hand to one of the side stores that had a little awning over it to allow protection from the rain. He pulled her close to him to help keep her warm. When she looked up into his eyes, she could see something that she had never really seen in them before, love. It was at that very moment that he said "I love you Jen." She had felt her heart stop and knew that this was the only man for her. After that day she began to imagine herself becoming the next Mrs. Leroy Jethro Gibbs. That was until the Director called her. He offered her the position of team leader in Spain. A job that was sure to move her on up the ladder at NCIS. If she wanted to become director, she had to take the job. Taking the job though would cause her Jethro. That was when she wrote that damn letter and walked off the airplane. That was the only way she could do it though. She knew if she told Jethro face to face and he had asked her to stay, she would have given up the job and went home with him. She let the job, her need for revenge cost; her the only man she had ever loved.
Even after coming back to DC she let her job keep her from Jethro. On her first day as director, she told him there was no way they could be together again. She danced around him and her feelings during her first year. She really thought there might have been a chance for them when he was in the explosion, but when he woke up he didn't know her. She found out about his family and there was a part of her that felt betrayed that he never told her about them. Then he left. When he came back, she waved her relationship with Todd under his nose to make him feel like a bastard for leaving her. Then, La Grenouille. She was so consumed with revenge that she couldn't see how much of a bitch she was to everyone, especially him. That alone should have ended any kind of relationship between them. It seemed though that after he was dead and Jethro's relationship with Lt. Mann ended, things began to change. He honestly began to show her a different side of himself.
She thought back to what had occurred after SecNav left her office earlier.
She was left alone in her office. She looked down at the card on her desk, then to the door, and then back to the glass of Bourbon in her hand. She was so lost in thought that she didn't hear her door open.
"Jen."
She looked up and saw Jethro standing by the door. "What do you need Agent Gibbs?"
He began to walk closer to her desk. "Don't need anything Jen?"
She placed her hand over the card on her desk and pulled it closer to her so it would be out of his sight. "Then what are you doing up here?"
He took a seat in one of the chairs in front of her desk. "Just wanted to check on you. Saw the SecNav up here earlier. He stayed for a pretty long while. What did he want?"
"He needed to speak with me about the agency."
"Never knew him to make a house call. He usually just talks to you on the phone or over an MTAC feed."
"He was just in the neighborhood and stopped in." She looked up at him and saw his look of disbelief. "I can tell by the look on your face that you are not sure I'm telling you the truth. I can assure you there is nothing wrong. Now I'm sure there is a case you are working on. If not, then some paper work that you need to finish." She reached and put on her glasses. "I have to get back to work myself."
He got up and walked to the door. As he reached for the door knob, he turned and looked back to her. "Jen, if you ever need to talk you know where to find me." With that, he turned the knob and walked out of her office.
To the arms of a stranger
Keeping company with danger
or staring' down the barrel of a gun
The bottom of a bottle,
Getting numb with every swallow
Cause it's easy, when it's what you've always done
With a Million Ways to Run
She walked through the familiar front door and down the hall. She reached the door to a room that she had come to many times in her life. She braced herself as she turned the knob and found waiting for her what had always been behind that door. In the dim light of the room, she could see Jethro working on his boat. She knew him and knew that at the end of a hard day that he always came down here to work on something, usually a boat. As she started down the stairs, she watched as he continued to work, seemingly unfazed by her being there. She knew that he knew she was there. Even if he had not heard her walk in the front door, the sound of her heels on the stairs were a dead give away. She also knew that he was waiting on her to start the conversation. She was after all the one who showed up at his house. "New boat?"
"Yeah but why do I get the feeling you didn't come by to talk with me about my boat?"
"Does your offer from earlier still stand?"
"Which one?"
"You said if I ever needed to talk…"
"Yeah Jen. Still stands."
She watched as he put down the sander and walked over to the bench. He poured some nuts and bolts out of a jar. Then walked and picked up a coffee cup. She knew what was going to happen next. "No Bourbon, please."
He looked at her shocked. "Don't want a drink. Shocker. What's up, Jen?"
"You were right earlier. SecNav was there because of a problem. And the problem is me." She went and sat on the dusty old chair he had. "He has noticed some things and heard some things and stopped by to get them under control."
"Those things about you?"
"Yeah. He knows about La Grenouille. And some of my other problems. Says if I don't get them under control, he is going to remove me from the director's chair."
"What other problems, Jen."
"I'm a mess Jethro. I have been for a long time. Ever since my dad died I have screwed up my life. I can't tell you how many men's beds I have slipped from thinking, hoping, to find the one who could make the pain go away. Some of them I can honestly say I don't even know their names. They were complete strangers. I run into dangerous situations because that is the only time I feel alive. The bigger the adrenal rush, the better." She felt the tears start to run down her face. She reached up and angrily brushed them off. "There are moments I really understand my dad and why he did what he did. I have stared down my sig and thought if I pull the trigger, it will all be over. And the alcohol." She felt the tears again but this time she just let them continue to fall. She stood and turned away from him. "I just don't want to feel anything anymore so I drink until I'm so numb and the pain goes away. I find any way to run away because it's what I have always done. I run away from my feelings, I run away from help, I run away from the truth. Hell, Jethro I ran away from the best thing that ever happened to me…you."
He watched as she continued to break down. It killed him to see her this way. He walked over to her and turned her around until she was looking at him. "Jen, it's ok. We all run. Why do you think I'm down here night after night working on a boat?"
She pulled back and looked at him. "I'm tired of running. I'm tired of drowning my self in so much alcohol that I don't even know I'm in the world. I'm tired treating the people who care about me like shit. I'm tired of running away from my feelings for you. I'm tired of thinking that I have to give up my happiness because I'm not willing to admit my dad…" Her sobs got louder. "My dad put a bullet in his head. I need help Jethro." She felt his thumb wipe away some tears. "I need help before I kill my self like my dad."
He pulled her close to him and felt her knees begin to buckle. He took all her weight and eased them down to the floor. He knew she was emotionally spent. He had seen the pain in her eyes as she spoke. He knew she needed help. He knew he also had to be that help because if he didn't, he was going to burry another woman he loved. "I promise you Jen I will help you any way I can. I will go to any meeting you need me to. I will listen when you need to talk. I will be with you every step of the way. I will not lose you." He pulled her closer to him and kissed the top of her head. He rocked her back and forth. He felt her body begin to relax and her breathing even out. He knew that she had fallen asleep. He kissed the top of her head again. "I love you, Jen." He made himself as comfortable as he could on the basement floor. After a while he felt himself getting tired and finally went to sleep with Jenny safely in his arms.
There's a freedom I have found
In staying on the ground
Long enough, to chase those demons down...
Tonight, Jenny sat in the basement where it all began. It had been six months since Jenny had broken down in Jethro's basement. She however was not in Jethro's basement. She was in the basement of the church. Instead of sitting in the last row, she was sitting front row. Instead of being hidden under Jethro's baseball cap, she was dressed like normal, power suit and heels. Jethro was sitting beside her, holding hand as he had every night since the basement. The morning after her break down, Jethro and she had poured out every bit of alcohol in his house, her house, and her office. She began an intensive rehab program that included going to AA meetings at the church.
The meeting was called to order by the same woman who started it before. She introduced the guest speaker. "Tonight I would like to welcome Director Jenny Shepard."
Jenny took the stage and waited for the crowed to stop clapping. She was nervous. This was the first night she was going to share a part of her battle. She looked out in the audience and saw the SecNav smiling. She saw her dysfunctional family; Tony, Abby, Ziva, Tim, and Ducky. She saw her new friend and sponsor, Katherine. And of course Jethro. Knowing she had all that support, she knew that she was going to do fine. "Hello. My name is Jennifer Shepard and I'm the director of NCIS. Six months ago I was forced by my boss to come here in an attempt to get me help. I honestly didn't think I had a problem but when given the choice of come or lose my job; I figured I would show up. I sat in the back of the room and couldn't wait for the meeting to be over so I could run out the door. Until I connected with the speaker that night." She looked and smiled at Katherine. "After I left, I did some serious thinking that lead me to the basement of a really good friend. Someone who had always been there for me." She locked eyes on Jethro. "There in that basement I admitted I had a problem that I needed help with. I was addicted to alcohol. I used it as a way to numb my feelings. I admitted if I didn't get help, I was going to slowly kill my self. That friend was my saving grace. I can honestly say with out him I wouldn't be standing here today six months sober. Thanks to that night, I have my life back. I'm a better friend and I'm a better director. I also was able to admit how much I was in love with the man in my life and am happy to say after six month, I'm engaged to. I understood what Katherine said that night and took it to heart. "I still have the guilt of what happened but now I have learned to live with what happened." I learned that I'm not the only one who has had bad things that has happened in life. I learned that I'm not the only one who tries to run from problems." She looked at all her family and friends and smiled. She finished her speech with:
And I thank God I know I'm Not the only one,
with A Million ways to run...