11/27

Hello.

I haven't seen or heard from you in awhile.

It's a bit strange how we used to see each other everyday but now we never do.

Its funny how that happens, isn't it? How you see someone so much that you just become so used to having them there, just feeling their presence? After graduation, I noticed it. I had never noticed it to such an extent while you were there, the effect you had on me. It was as if you were just a space heater, and having you around filled the room with your heat, and that made me happy. It kept me young, it kept me innocent. Every time I see your picture or hear your voice in my dreams I feel like that stupid, pure sixteen-year-old high school girl who wanted nothing more than to be a star and for someone to love her.

11/30

Sometimes when he kisses me, I pretend it's you.

You know how sometimes, when you're making a puzzle, you find two pieces that you feel have to fit together so you smash and force them into each other until they fit, but still not quite? I feel like that's what happened with me and Finn. Everyone knew it was supposed to be it between the two of us. Hell, I thought I knew it was supposed to be it between the two of us. We were the golden, cliché power couple who everyone would look at and think, you know, that's the couple who's going to get married one day. I thought I was in heaven when I was with him. But the more time we spent smashed together, the more I realized that we weren't actually meant to fit together. But we were too far into the puzzle to realize I had made a mistake. I made so many mistakes, Noah.

12/4

I look at my children and I love them so much but I know deep in my heart I wish they were yours. Its funny when I see them, I pretend they're yours sometimes. They look like you, probably just because we're both Jewish. I remember how you were with Beth around, how you would talk about her after temple sometimes. Those were my favorite times, you know. The ones no one else knew about. When it was just you and me. You talked about Beth like she was an angel. I knew you would be a great father. When you sang Beth to Quinn all those years ago… I was a bit jealous. I wish you were here to be the father for my kids. Finn's great, but you know he's no you. He's a good father. He's a good husband. Just not for me.

12/10

I was thinking about the puzzle pieces again. They're kind of like magnets, right? I think me and Finn are like magnets. You know how there are always those two magnets that don't connect, no matter how hard you push them? You twist and turn them until they finally do. I feel like to be with Finn I had to twist and turn so much that I'm not myself anymore. Granted, I don't think I make people "light themselves on fire" anymore, but I feel like I'm not anything anymore. I'm just a blob of a person sitting here writing short little letters to someone I haven't seen in years that I'm never going to send. I just miss you. I want to see you one more time.

12/15

It's me and Finn's anniversary today. It's funny how fast fourteen years can go by. Do you remember my wedding day? It was one of the last normal days between us. Sure, I saw you a dozen or so times after that, but we rarely talked unless it was whispered words of regret when we had stolen away from Finn and Quinn. On my wedding day, a few hours before the ceremony, you came into my room. I was wearing a big beautiful wedding dress and looking in the mirror. My hair was down and flowing, my make up all done, my gold star necklace hanging, and my dress- well, my dress was absolutely beautiful. But I couldn't help from frowning, because something was missing. I was contemplating my reflection when you came in and stood by me in the mirror. All of a sudden, it felt as if the missing hole was filled. You looked so handsome in your tuxedo; you were the best man after all. You asked Quinn, my maid of honor and your girlfriend of the time, if you could talk to me alone for a bit. She smiled and nodded, and you kissed her forehead before she walked out. I felt green envy crawling in my stomach for a second, before I pushed it aside. You're marrying Finn, I thought, all your dreams are coming true now. But were they?

You grinned at me, that beautiful smile as your eyes shimmered with boyish mischief. You told me how beautiful I looked. I blushed. Then you grabbed my hands, and made me look into your eyes. I will never remember your words, because I wrote them down right after, for the sole purpose of remembering, and I have an excellent memory.

"Rachel, you don't know how badly I want to be the one you walk down the aisle to. You're the most beautiful, most inspiring girl I've ever met. You make me want to be a better person. I'm with Quinn now because- well because she's second best to you. She always has been. I helped Hudson out with you because I knew how much you love him, how much you've loved him all through high school. Remember that week in sophomore when we dated? That was probably the best week of my life. I guess what I want to say is, I love you. I've loved you since I heard you sing for the first time. Well not for the first time, because you would always kind of sing under your breath in the hallways, but when I heard you sing Don't Stop Believing, I was just- wowed. I walked in the auditorium, not for Finn, but for you. I joined Glee club for you. I realize that every good thing I've done I did for you. I need you, Berry. I love you. And I'm asking- no, I'm begging you, please, change out of your dress and let's get out of here."

I stood and looked at you in shock for a few seconds. "Noah… I've always wanted to hear you say that. But-"

"But what?"

"I can't do this to Finn. I- I-"

"God dammit, Berry. It wouldn't kill you to do something for yourself for a change."

I shook my head and whispered things like "I can't, I can't…" I just wanted you to hold be and say everything would be okay. But you didn't. You said, "Well, don't worry about it; I guess it's true, everyone cries at weddings." I looked up through my teary eyes to see your own tears running down your cheeks. It was the first time I ever saw you cry.

You slammed the door when you left, and I quickly dried my tears before Quinn came back in. when I walked down that aisle, I didn't feel happy like I should have. I had dreamed of walking down the aisle to Finn for years, but all I could feel was miserable as I looked at you in regret. You stayed stony faced, and refused to make eye contact with me.

Finn grinned at me with his small smirk, and I tried my hardest to grin back. Why couldn't I be normal, and be happy like him? Isn't this what I wanted?

I zoned out as the preacher said the vows. Oh how badly I wanted to just run into your arms and end this wedding.

"Do you Rachel Berry; take Finn Hudson, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, through good times and bad, and to honor all the days of your life, as long as you both shall live?"

I looked at you one last time. You looked at me, with all the emotion and pain in your eyes, as I said the two words that made us impossible before I could even think about it.

"I do."

12/24

It's Christmas Eve. It's also the fifth night of Hanukkah. It makes me wish I was with you again, because it wouldn't be so confusing to celebrate two holidays.

This will be my last letter to you. I'm sick of feeling this way, and it's never going to go away, but writing to you and thinking of you doesn't help me at all.

I know I can't go back in time. I wish I could so badly. You don't know how many times I've wished upon a star that I would wake up and I would be in high school again.

I want to start over.

But it's too late. I have children, you have children. My fantasy is nothing but a fantasy.

I wish life could start over. I wish I could fall into the past and be young again, so I could grow up knowing what I do now. I have so many regrets and I will have to live knowing that I screwed up my entire life and I'll never get another chance to do it over.

I want another life, Noah. One where I could do it right with you.

Pause. Imagine for a second we're in glee club. In the choir room. Our last day of high school. We were the only two left after everyone had left, teary eyed. You sat on a chair, and I stood with one hand on the piano.

"It's all over, isn't it?"

You walk up and hug me as I burst into tears.

Imagine, now. The first day of high school. Karofsky tossed lemon-lime slush in my face. You discreetly handed me a napkin.

Now. The first time I kissed you, in my bedroom. The second your lips touched mine, we both jumped back for a second before continuing, like we had shocked each other. Neither of us had expected it to feel like that.

Now. The last time I saw you. Finn had invited you over for some football and male bonding. We hadn't seen you in at least a year. I was six months pregnant with my first child. I hovered around the kitchen, cleaning and such, because I didn't know what to say to you. Finn had gone to the bathroom, and when I turned around you were in the kitchen with me. You put your hand on my stomach and smiled. You leaned in close and whispered four simple words into my ear.

I still love you.

I wanted to tell you how much I loved you in that moment. But I looked down at my stomach. Around my apartment. Upstairs where Finn had disappeared to. And I knew I couldn't love you back. It was too late, and I screwed it up.

You kissed me one last time, and left.

I still love you too.

A/N- So I hope you liked that. This was inspired by The One That Got Away by Katy Perry, and if you haven't heard it already, GO LISTEN TO IT. The lyrics in the description and the title obviously belong to her and her record company. Review and tell me what you thought.