So Much Left To Say
High school is over and they are going their separate ways. Yet there is so much between them, so many feelings that remain, so much left to say… a Brooke and Lucas oneshot set at the end of season four.
With thanks to the amazing Cass for betaing this for me.
Title is from 'I Love' by Athlete.
DISCLAIMER: I do not own One Tree Hill.
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He barely saw her. She was camouflaged by the shadows, a black door behind her as she sat uncommonly still. But she was there, and Lucas smiled.
"Hey," he spoke.
"Hey. Sorry for just turning up but I just wanted to, I don't know. Say goodbye I guess," Brooke said.
"I'm glad you came," he said and sat down beside her on the steps of his balcony. "When do you leave?"
"Tomorrow afternoon," she replied.
"I'm gonna miss you," he said sincerely.
She nodded, "I'll miss you too." It was true, she would miss him. Still, after everything, she couldn't image life without Lucas. Even when she was angry with him, even now when they were broken up and weren't so close, he was still there. And Brooke liked knowing that. It was going to be weird leaving that behind. They sat in silence. Brooke hadn't really thought about what she wanted to say to Lucas other than goodbye. She just knew she had to see him; she couldn't leave without seeing him.
Lucas spoke, breaking the silence, "I can't believe high school's over. We're leaving behind a whole part of our lives."
"Yeah."
"And everything we've all been through… it's just weird, we won't be together as a group anymore."
Brooke nodded, she knew exactly how he felt. They were all going their separate ways and she wished their lives together could continue. As she almost wished hers and Lucas' lives could continue together, as friends or as whatever word defined their relationship. Just with lives that were linked in some way or another.
"And you and me…" he trailed off; he couldn't even begin to find the words.
So many images of herself and Lucas flickered through Brooke's mind. So many memories. She didn't regret their relationship and everything they'd been through. She was just sad that there had been no happy ending. While she usually presented a defeatist attitude in regards to her relationship with Lucas, there was a small part of her that always had hope that they would find their way in the end. After a moment she spoke, "It's a shame." It was the only thing she could think of to casually sum up the downfall of their relationship.
"What is?" he asked.
"Us."
"How do you mean?"
"I feel like we're further apart than we've ever been," she confessed.
"That's not true, Brooke."
"We barely speak anymore, Lucas."
"I like to think we'll always be connected, even if we haven't been hanging out a lot."
"Why haven't we?"
"Why haven't we what?"
"Why haven't we been hanging out? I mean when you and I were together you and Peyton were just as close as we were. So why shouldn't it be the same for us?"
Lucas sighed lightly, annoyed with himself for not knowing how to respond.
When Lucas didn't answer Brooke answered herself, "I guess because… all that time, every moment you two shared while we together, that was just your hearts' way of telling you that you two are meant to be. Leading you to where you are now."
"That's not true."
"Lucas it's okay." He turned to look at her and met her gaze. "You don't have to lie to me. I've accepted it. I was just a part of the road that lead you back to her. And that's okay."
"Maybe it would be, if it was the truth," he spoke gently.
"But it is," Brooke said with a conviction that surprised Lucas. He regretted that his actions had led her to belittle herself and what she had been to him. What she perhaps still was.
"How can you be so sure?"
"You're forgetting something." He met her gaze once again. "I was her friend Lucas."
"Peyton's?"
Brooke nodded. "Right at beginning I was there. I watched you two, I saw you fall for each other. I was there when you flirted at basketball games. I was there when you two exchanged looks at Dan's basketball mixer. I was there the night you looked after her after that guy drugged her. I was there, I saw it all."
"You were there. So did you ever think maybe there was a reason for that?"
"Like what?"
"For me to find you. For us to find each other."
"Honestly? No."
Lucas looked away; her words stung. He knew they shouldn't, he was still with Peyton, but they did, and he couldn't help that.
"But I do think there was a reason. It was for me to see you two. To see how you're meant to be. I mean the signs were there all along. I was just too stupid to see them." She paused for a moment and whispered her final words. "And I fell in love with you anyway."
"Now you're the one whose forgetting something. I fell in love with you too, doesn't that mean something? I chose to be with you Brooke, because I fell in love with you."
"You didn't the first time we were together. And I'm not so sure you did the second time either."
"I did. And I did the first time too. I just didn't realize it until I lost you because at the time I was still infatuated with…" he paused, regretting his words.
"Peyton?"
Lucas looked down and sighed lightly. "Yeah."
"See Lucas, she's always been there. In between us. And if that's not a sign then I don't know what is."
"A sign that what?"
"That you and Peyton have always been meant to be."
He paused for a moment before answering. He thought about himself and Peyton. When they were together the first time, he thought he was in love with her. But now after having been with Brooke, he wasn't so sure it had been that. She had been a mystery and so different from anyone he knew, and that had intrigued him. Now, he and Peyton were together again, but Lucas couldn't remember why. Knowing that, he couldn't believe they were meant to be. Despite as much as he had tried to convince himself they were.
"I don't think we are. And I don't think Peyton does either." He knew he shouldn't say that, because he and Peyton were, after all, still together. But this was probably the last time he was going to speak to Brooke in a long time, and she deserved a little honesty; their relationship deserved it.
"What do you mean?"
"Things haven't felt completely right. I enjoy spending time with her but… I don't feel the deep sense of being in the right place that I felt when… when we were together. I tried to tell myself I do feel it but I don't. And I can tell she doesn't feel it either."
Brooke fell silent, and they sat there in the quiet moonlight for a moment before Lucas spoke.
"I can't even remember why we got back together in the first place."
"You and me?"
"No. Me and Peyton."
"Because she was in love with you."
"But she wasn't the one I was in love with."
Brooke didn't know what to say, and so she surrendered to silence.
"I know the reason why we don't hang out anymore. It's because its too hard," Lucas spoke and Brooke turned to look at him.
"Too hard how?" she asked.
"To be around each other but not together. I know my heart couldn't handle that," he said. Brooke looked down. "In this very spot two years ago you pointed out that we're different. But our hearts are the same, always have been and always will, and where love's concerned, that's all that matters."
She thought about this for a moment, before whispering a final question. "It may be what matters, but is it enough?"
He didn't hesitate to answer, "Yes. In the end, it will be."
Brooke smiled, and for the first time in a long time - she believed him.
She kissed his cheek and said a final goodbye. She wandered away from the boy she had long ago lost her heart to, knowing tomorrow she would embark on a new life following her dreams. But she had a strong feeling of hope that her old life would always be with her, and that one day, she would return to it. And as she opened her car door she swore she heard Lucas' gentle voice faintly in the distance.
"See you soon, Pretty Girl."