This was written in collaboration with acmagicman. Neither of us own any of the characters in this story. The Muppets are owned by Jim Henson Productions, Angie Jacobs is a creation of Shirley Burton, and used with her permission. The rest of the Magician characters are owned by Gaumont Multimedia.
It started out to be a normal - or what passed for normal - day at the Magic Express. Ace, Cosmo and Angie were in the practice room to rehearse a new trick they had conceived together. With Cosmo doing the effects and Ace and Angie doing the actual trick, it was shaping up to be one of their best yet.
Just before they started, however, they heard some loud noises coming from just outside the Express. They sounded like a car backfiring - or gunshots.
"What in the heck was that bro? You don't think that... Nah! Blackjack wouldn't be that desperate, would he?"
"I think we'd better check it out," Ace replied. "The last thing we need is a battle in our 'backyard', so to speak." He headed out the door, Cosmo and Angie following. "Angel, activate main screen." The computer complied, activating the monitor.
An old, brightly painted bus had been traveling down a lonely road. Inside were several unusual creatures. Five of them were jamming together, a bear was driving, a frog sitting next to him, a female pig primping and a - whatever - listening to the music. Suddenly they found themselves in a railway yard. "Fozzie, hit the brakes!" the frog screamed.
"Wha.." Fozzie jammed on the brakes hard, causing the pig to smear her make-up. Needless to say, she was one unhappy pig.
"Fozzie," she said. "Where did you learn how to drive? Kermit, maybe you should drive, instead." She took out some wipes, and cleaned the mess, then started again. "Hmph," she said.
Meantime, Fozzie opened the bus door, and he and Kermit got out to see where they were.
Inside the Magic, Ace and the others were looking at the monitor with stunned looks on their faces. "Ace," said Angie. "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing? That's a bear and a frog getting out of that bus!"
Ace was shaking his head in disbelief. "That's what it looks like to me, Angie."
Cosmo headed for the door. "How dangerous can they be. C'mon, let's check them out in person. Besides, if the music I'm hearin' is comin' from that bus, I want to see who's playin' it!"
"Hey Cosmo, wait for me," Angie said, following Cosmo out the door. Ace followed behind them. The door to the Express slid open and the three of them went outside to see for themselves who was there. Ace stopped short, as Mona drove up and, getting out of her car, walked over to him with a very confused look on her face.
"Ace, what is going on here?"
He turned to Mona saying, "I have absolutely no idea.
Just then, Kermit noticed the four of them. He walked up to them and said, "Excuse me, but we seem to have taken a wrong turn. Can you tell us how to get back onto..."
"Kermit," said Fozzie plaintively, "We couldn't have taken a wrong turn. There weren't any turns to take."
"Fozzie," Kermit said, exasperated. He turned back to Ace. "Can you tell us how to get back onto the main highway? We seemed to have gotten ourselves misrouted. By the way, I think I should introduce myself. My name is Kermit the Frog and this is Fozzie Bear."
I can't believe this! I'm actually going to have a conversation with a frog! Oh well... "I'm Ace Cooper and this is Mona Malone."
"I'm Angie Jacobs," Angie added, "And this is Cosmo."
Just then they heard a gasp. They turned toward the bus, to see the pig, who was staring straight at Ace, stars in her eyes. Kermit knew that look. "Oh dear, here we go again."
She descended slowly, and walked over to Ace, knocking Angie out of her way with her hip. "Bonjour," she said, "Moi am Miss Piggy. And vous are...?"
"Piggy, this is Ace Cooper," said Kermit. He knew better than to introduce the others. Piggy was interested in only one person.
Ace swallowed hard and took two steps back, a look on his face that cried 'help'. He had no idea how to respond, especially with Mona standing next to him. And what if anyone else showed up to see this pig coming on to him?
Mona, on the other hand, was getting extremely upset at Miss Piggy's advances. Angie noticed the look on Mona's face, and walked around the group to Mona. She whispered, "Easy Mona. C'mon, she's a pig - literally! Besides, take a look at Ace's face."
Mona took one look at Ace's face, and the anger quickly left her, a smile forming on her face that she was having trouble hiding.
Meanwhile, the music from the bus continued. Cosmo said, "C'mon, Angie. Let's go see who's in the band in the bus." He and Angie hurried over, and boarded.
As Angie and Cosmo boarded the bus, the sound of sirens was heard. Please, Ace thought to himself, Don't let it be Vega.
No such luck. Vega got out of one of the cars and headed over to him, as Miss Piggy was saying, "Hey tall, dark and handsome. Why don't we go somewhere private, where we can get to know each other better?" Then, in a higher pitch, when Ace failed to respond, "Pleeease, Acey Wacey?"
Vega stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the mismatched pair. "Acey Wacey?" What little composure Vega had, was lost in a fit of laughter.
Meanwhile, Cosmo and Angie were enjoying the sounds the band was making. After about fifteen minutes, the band stopped, and the drummer noticed Angie. "Wo-man! Wo-man!"
"Down, Animal. Easy, Animal!" said one of the other members. Animal settled back, breathing heavily. The other member turned to Angie & Cosmo. "I saw you groovin' to the music. I knew you could dig it. I'm Floyd, bass player. That's Animal on drums, Janice on lead guitar, Zoot on sax and our fearless leader, Dr Teeth, on piano."
"What unusual names, Floyd."
"Well, they're our names, and they suit us. Just like he's," Floyd pointed to the long nosed creature sitting quietly nearby, "Gonzo."
"Go out. Animal go outside."
"Okay, Animal. Gonzo, would you mind going with him?"
"Sure, Floyd. Come on, Animal. Let's meet the others."
Animal got up and headed toward the door. He walked behind Angie to do so, and...
"Hey Cosmo, what about ... YEOWCH!" Angie's last word ended in a high pitched scream.
"Sorry about that, totally, like fer sure," said Janice. "He does that to every female he meets. Like, that's how we usually know where he is."
"Please Janice, ask him not to do it again."
"Fer sure. Like fer sure. Don't worry, he's really harmless. Isn't he, Doctor?"
"Just keep your copasetic self facing him, and you'll have no trouble at all."
"Uh Janice," Cosmo remarked, " I think the warning came just a little too late for them." Cosmo was pointing in the direction of the police. High pitched screams could be heard coming from the female officers present, one after another.
Angie saw what was happening and noticed a pattern. "He's heading toward Mona. Oh no!" She started to leave the bus, followed by the others.
Before Angie could get to Mona, Animal reached out giving her a hard pinch. Mona shrieked. She spun around to slap the pincher, saying, "How dare you! You…" She stopped, realizing that she missed whoever it was. With a shocked look on her face, she looked around, then down. There was Animal, looking up at her. She was stunned.
Animal said, "Wo-man. Animal like wo-man! Great wo-man!"
Gonzo hurried up to Animal. "C'mon, Animal. Let's go see what else we can find." He pulled on Animal's dog collar and they moved off.
As Gonzo and Animal walked off, Kermit apologized profusely Ace and Mona. "We've tried to break him of that habit, but the only thing we've been able to do is housebreak and leash train him."
As if things weren't hectic enough, the SensaNews van pulled up. Out hopped none other than Duke Paparazzo, his assistant and his camera. Miss Piggy took one look, and - publicity hungry pig that she is - dropped Ace like a hot potato, hurrying over to the newsman. "I take it you're here to interview moi? I would be delighted, but only for a few minutes, you understand. Moi's time is so limited."
"Thank you Paparazzo," Ace said to himself, giving a sigh of relief. "I had no idea how I was going to get rid of her without hurting her feelings."
But Paparazzo was just standing there in total shock. He was supposed to interview Ace Cooper, The Magician, about a reported disturbance here, not a talking pig. He shook his head. A talking pig? What is this, one of Cooper's tricks? No way am I going to talk to a pig. He tried to get around her to get to Ace, but she would not be denied.
"Moi am Miss Piggy, actress, singer, model - star extraordinaire. To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?"
"Duke Paparazzo, reporter for SensaNews," he said automatically. "But I..."
"Please don't feel intimidated. I really am very easy to talk to. Vous can call me 'Piggy, and I will call you Duke. Now, would vous like to ask me something in particular, or shall I just answer the standard questions the reporters seem to like to ask?"
Ace and the others looked on in amusement, as Paparazzo tried to avoid Miss Piggy. When he found it was impossible - something that had never happened to him before - he finally resigned himself to interviewing her.
In the meantime, another party had arrived, but remained hidden - or so she thought. Faceless had heard about the disturbance on her police scanner and had decided to investigate. Hidden in the shadows, she watched the scene unfolding, totally confused as to who or what those - people? - were. She was watching Ace, trying to decide how she could take advantage of this situation, and enjoying first his, then Paparazzo's discomfort. But, with the cops there, there wasn't much she could do, unless...
She never noticed Gonzo. But he noticed her.
"Whoa." he said. "Hello, gorgeous."
Faceless looked over, then down at Gonzo. "What is this a costume party? Scram! I'm busy."
"Oh, this is so cool! I'm Gonzo, and, lovely lady, my heart is yours."
"Look! I said I was busy!" Faceless was becoming increasingly irritated, but it was lost on Gonzo. She was so focused now on Gonzo, she never heard Animal coming up behind her. She grabbed Gonzo by the nose, and threw him off to the side. But then...
She suddenly screamed out in pain and surprise as Animal reached out and pinched her. Her loud scream alerted the others.
Kermit, who had left the group to find Gonzo and Animal, was closest to her. He realized, by her costume, that she wasn't anyone they should be around and shouted, "Animal, get away from her, fast!" But he himself wasn't quick enough.
Faceless reached out quickly, grabbing Kermit. "I don't believe this. First, a whatever it is and a weirdo with an oversized nose. Now a frog?"
Kermit gulped. But he was about to be rescued. Miss Piggy, seeing her beloved Kermie in the hands of a lady, whatever, was too much for her. She left Paparazzo in mid sentence and stormed over to Faceless. "You let go of my Kermie, now, or suffer the consequences!"
"Oh? And what can you do? I'm three times your size, pig!" Faceless said, still holding onto Kermit.
"Oh, oh. Now you've done it," Kermit said, knowing what would be coming next.
Miss Piggy saw red at that, and it wasn't the red of Faceless' eyes. As the others gathered around Faceless, she went into attack mode. "Hi Ya!"she screamed, and launched herself at Faceless, hitting her on the chest, just above Kermit's head. She went down, and the others dove on top of her.
Faceless tried to get out from under the pile, but she was too overwhelmed. From his vantage point, Ace and his friends watched the rather lop-sided fight. "Hey dude," Cosmo asked, " How long you gonna leave Faceless under there?"
Ace grinned. "Well, I'd like to leave her under there permanently, and it looks like they are having fun. But, I guess we can't." He closed his eyes, and the top of the pile rose, then parted, as he levitated her out of there.
"Derek, my friend. Would you like to do the honor of placing her under arrest, while I make sure everyone's okay?"
He lowered her to the ground, adding a freeze spell to keep her there, while the police handcuffed her. Lt. Vega signalled the two police officers nearest the thief, and they went over and took her into custody. Placing her in their car, they left the yard, sirens blaring.
Ace walked over to the group, and asked the obvious question, "Is everyone okay?"
Each one slowly picked him or herself up. Gonzo said, "Wow! That was so cool! Let's do that again."
"Gonzo," said Kermit, staggering to his feet, "Get Animal back into the bus. Everyone, back into the bus. Argh!"
This last was forced out of him, as Miss Piggy hugged him. "Are you okay, Kermie? That nasty lady didn't hurt you, did she?"
"I'm fine, Piggy," Kermit answered in a quivering voice."
"Good," Miss Piggy said, in a lower toned, less friendly voice. "Because, when we get on the bus, you better explain what you were doing with her." She stormed off.
Kermit watched her go. "Sheez," was all he said.
"I'm sorry you had to run into her, Kermit. She's a person who's not above using other people to get to me."
"That's okay. I've been treated worse," Kermit replied, looking toward Miss Piggy, "But I'm resilient. Oh look. That reporter is leaving. I guess Miss Piggy gave him enough information."
If so, it's the first time he's gotten enough," Angie - who had joined Ace - remarked.
"Well, I guess he hasn't interviewed anyone like Miss Piggy," Kermit replied as they headed toward the bus. "I think we'll try to find our own way home. I hear the band tuning up," he added, as Animal hit his cymbals and Zoot blew on his sax. "It's been a pleasure to meet you all. If you're ever in our neck of the woods - wherever that may be - look us up."
"We will, Kermit," Ace said, as he and the others waved good-bye. Kermit gave one final wave before entering the bus. The engine turned over with a loud bang - the same noise they had heard when Kermit and his friends had first arrived.
Before the door to the bus closed, Miss Piggy, who was at the top of the steps, turned and blew Ace a kiss, her gesture so expansive, she almost fell down the stairs. Her grip on the door handle, though, kept her inside. Angie and Mona, who saw the whole thing, dissolved into a fit of giggles.
With a wheeze, the bus pulled away, the sounds of the band coming from the open window. And disappeared as suddenly as it came.
After the hectic afternoon they had, Ace was looking forward to relaxing the rest of the evening. He was sitting in his favorite chair reading, when the vid-phone rang. "Hello; Ace Cooper speaking."
"Hello Acey Wacey," Vega's voice answered.
"Oh no," Ace groaned, rolling his eyes to the heavens.
"What's wrong, Ace? Are you okay?" said Angie, walking out of the kitchen.
"Vega's not going to let me forget this, Angie."
Angie grinned. She had heard the tale from Vega before he left, so she knew what Ace was talking about. "Well, did you really expect him to?"
"No. Not really."
"Well, you better find out what he wants." She turned and went down the hall to the computer room.
Ace addressed his friend. "Hello Vega. How's it going?" Ace braced for some more teasing.
"Just fine. This was too good a day. It's nice to know your animal magnetism is intact."
"Please, Derek. This is one afternoon I'd rather forget."
"You and Paparazzo. You didn't catch his broadcast this evening?"
"No I didn't, Derek. What happened?"
"There was not a word about what happened at your place. Paparazzo looked shell shocked throughout the program, and wasn't as glib as he usually is. I called the station and was told that all the footage they shot came out blank. Can you believe it?"
"I wonder how that happened."
"I have no idea. But one piece of good news. Faceless is still in jail, too stunned at the way she was caught to try escaping."
"I guess that's one good thing that came out of this afternoon, Derek."
"Yeah. Well, gotta go. I'll be in touch, Acey Wacey."
"Arggh!" Ace said in a strangled voice, as he broke the connection. He settled back, calming down again, and picked up his book to continue reading. Not five minutes later, he heard a sound from down the hall. It was music that sounded just like what had come from the bus this afternoon.
Listening for a moment, he followed the sound of the music to its source. Pausing outside the computer room door he listened for a while to Cosmo and Angie. Then smiling, he turned, going back down the hall.
As long as it isn't the real thing, I'm okay with it. He went back into the living room, sat back in his chair, picked up his book and continued to read.