Author's Note: It's 2015 and starting it off with another South Park fanfic. Kinda like the previous, going to be short, but I'm trying to keep it like it was an episode. Now, I've written most of this story out already, so this isn't going to be like General Zod Goes to Washington. By that, I mean it's not going to take a whole year to do five chapters. Enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park.
Warning: language
You unlock this door with the key of rejection. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of frustration, a dimension of agony, a dimension of blue balls. You're moving into a land of both shadow and misfortune, of fear and despair; you've just crossed over into the Friend Zone.
Chapter 1
The bell that rang for lunch had long since passed and at a certain lunch table in a certain elementary school held a few certain boys that were currently discussing perhaps one of the most confounding issues of their time.
"Hey guys, you hear about what happened at that Kanye West concert?" a somewhat fat ten year old in a red jacket and yellow poof ball hat asked as he chowed down on enough cafeteria food that could feed an entire African village for a week. Bits of Salisbury steak escaped his mouth as he spoke, hardly pausing in his consumption. "It was so freaking hilarious. I had to TiVo it just to see it again!"
"Dude, that's not right," Stan, a boy in a brown jacket and red poof ball hat, answered, eating much less than his obese friend.
"Would you mind not talking and eating at the same time?" Kyle, an irritated boy in an orange coat and wearing a green ushanka, demanded. He was wiping off a piece of spit-covered Salisbury steak from his cheek.
"Oh, I'm sorry Kyle," the fat boy drawled. "Are you too high and mighty to take some cafeteria lunch food to the face?"
"It's disgusting Cartman. Even kindergartners know to eat with their mouths closed," Kyle snapped back.
The rest of the table ignored the impending argument.
"Yeah, that really wasn't really cool of Kanye to do that," Stan continued the previous, and more interesting conversation, his attention on the other boys at the table.
"Y-y-yeah, it was very in-insensitive," a browned haired boy stuttered over his words. Jimmy was his name and he'd insert a clever joke right there if he wasn't too busy with lunch. "Those poor people di-di-didn't even have any arms."
"And he wouldn't start singing until everyone in the room raised their arms in the air like they just don't care," added a boy in a blue jacket and chullo in the blandest voice you've ever heard.
One boy, a blond with the most innocent and bully-worthy smile, asked, "Well I'm sure it was a misunderstanding. They were probably too far in the back for poor Kayne to see."
"Butters, they were in the front row," the boy in the brown jacket stated.
"Oh. Huh." Butters looked unable to refute that.
Before Butters could continue to make a fool out of himself further, a depressed looking Token approached the table. The only black male in the school did not make eye contact with anyone, picking an empty seat at the end of the table where he set his lunch tray down. He took his seat and continued to look downward, not doing anything like, you know, eating.
It was such a stark contrast from the usually friendly guy the other boys knew that even Cartman was silent, though he continued to stuff his face. Looks were traded amongst the boys, all agreeing on one thing: something was up. However, they weren't girls so that made it a problem on figuring out what was going on.
Guys weren't supposed to be all chatty like those girls. Especially about feelings.
Thus, the boy closest to his feminine side was selected using only eye contact with the other boys.
"What's up, Token?" Stan asked.
Token sighed. "Nothing."
Again the other others shared a look amongst themselves. Bullshit was the general consensus.
"You haven't touched your Salisbury steak," Stan tried again.
"Yeah, if you're not going to eat it, let me have it," Cartman spoke up.
The fat boy got an irritated look from Kyle but everyone else ignored him. Token, did not respond however, only shifting in his seat and sighing again.
Okay, they were officially running out of ways to get Token talking. Asking what was up didn't work, mentioning food did nothing, so what clever, sly thing could be used next to get their only African American friend to talk?
"How's things with Nicole?" Stan asked. They were desperate if they were using that line of questioning. If small talk and food didn't get a guy talking, asking about their bitch—ahem, girlfriend was the last resort. Come on Token, respond to this one! Guy code was requiring them at this point to rip you a new one!
"Nicole and I aren't together anymore," Token stated, still not looking any of them in the eye.
Oh, so Token had broken up with his girlfriend. Now they were gettting—hold on, what?
The only one to do a spittake was Cartman, mainly due to him being the only one eating. This time, even Kyle ignored him as this new piece of juicy guy gossip was just too interesting to look away from.
"That sucks," the boy in the blue chullo commented.
"That's too bad," Butter added, reaching out a hand to pat Token on the shoulder. "There, there, little buddy."
"What happened?" Clyde, a boy with messy, brown hair and a red jacket, asked.
"She said that she wanted to take a break but that she wanted to stay friends." If anything, Token looked even more depressed than before.
The whole table was quiet, at least until one of the boys snorted and began to snicker at the black kid's misfortune. "Oh god, this is too rich!" Cartman laughed.
"What's so funny?" Kyle demanded, glaring at the other, fatter boy.
"Token got friend zoned! I can't believe it! What, you don't got enough money or something?" Cartman continued to cackle. "Oh, I've got to blog about this!"
"Shut up, fat ass," Kyle growled though it was his turn to be ignored.
"What's does friend zoned mean?" Butters asked, wide-eyed.
"Just ignore him Butters," Kyle advised the innocent blond boy.
"Butters, you need to keep up with the times, brah," Cartman spoke over his Jewish adversary. "Being friend zoned is the worst thing that can ever happen to a guy. It's like getting your balls cut off, it's that bad. You might as well give up your man card."
"Oh no!" Butters gasped.
"You're sc-sc-scaring him, Eric," Jimmy spoke up.
"Yeah, Butters isn't ready to hear about this," Stan said.
"Guys, you can't treat Butters here with a pair of kid gloves about this kind of thing," Cartman lectured. "He's old enough to hear about it and get the pissed scared out of him like everybody else."
"Yeah!" Butters agreed.
"Just leave it alone, Butters," the boy in the blue chullo hat stated. "Some things aren't meant to be known."
"Ignore Craig," Cartman told Butters. "He's just being a Negative Nancy. Now, being friend zoned is when you ask a girl out and she shoots you down by saying she would rather be friends with you instead. It's a girl's twisted way of telling you she thinks you're ugly and doesn't want anything to do with you. Once that happens, you are officially in the Friend Zone, a place from which there is no escape!"
"Oh hamburgers!" Butters was horrified, it was obvious to tell.
"If there's anyone to ignore around here, it's Cartman, Butters," Stan said. "He's pulling your leg."
"Oh, I see what this is. It's a conspiracy and you're all in on it!" Cartman accused.
"Eric is j-j-just making a joke," Jimmy continued. "Not a really f-f-f-funny joke but a-a-a joke all the s-same."
"Oh. Well, it wasn't a funny joke." Butters frowned.
"Ey! You'll believe Jimmy but you won't believe me?" Cartman demanded, slamming his hands on the table and glaring at the innocent blond.
"The way you tell it, the friend zone's a real place which it isn't," Craig said, not looking up from his lunch.
"You know what? Screw you guys, I'mma eating elsewhere." With that, Cartman snatched up his lunch trey and stormed off.
Okay, now that the asshole was gone, it was back to what they were supposed to be doing. ….what were they doing again? Oh right, Token and…being friend zoned. That fun stuff. Right.
"You should give Nicole a few days. She should come around and you'll be together again," Clyde advised.
"Yeah, and don't go to her house and play her Peter Gabriel. That shit doesn't work in real life," Stan added.
Kyle paused and looked up from his lunch, giving Stan an odd look.
Token, on the other hand, only sighed but he nodded. A sign of progress if the boys ever saw one. So back to more important things now. When Token was feeling better and back with Nicole, they'd rip on him for being such a pussy. Until then, it was all being understanding and shit.
"So you guys think the Broncos will make it to the Superbowl this year?" Stan asked, starting a new topic.
"12-4, they're doing good," Craig answered.
Despite the change in topic, Butters remained the only boy there with a disturbed look. Kyle was the only one to notice it.
As he stood before his locker, Butters could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Gosh, was he nervous. All that talk from lunch was getting to him. He hadn't heard about the friend zone before and boy did it sound scary. Kinda made him want to…no, no, no thinking like that Butters! You're a man, ya hear?
Yes, he was a big strong man…with a crush on a girl. No, it wasn't some girl from the internet, or the picture of Kim in his locker, it was a real-life girl in this very school! His parents were going to be so proud! Him getting himself a girlfriend, an honest to god girlfriend with skin and blood and hair and all that stuff!
It's a girl's twisted way of telling you she thinks you're ugly and doesn't want anything to do with you.
Eric's words from lunch were still bothering him, and in more than one way. While spooky sounding, all the talk about the friend zone had shown him a possibility that he hadn't considered yet. What if when he went up to his crush and asked her to go out with him, she said no? He hadn't considered that happening and seeing how bummed out Token was at lunch, it made him a little bit scared.
Could he go through with this now? He wasn't sure if he could. Maybe he should just stick with Kim. At least she wouldn't turn him down even though she was married to a black rapper.
"Hey Butters."
Butters gave out a cry and almost jumped. Spinning around, his heart slamming against his ribcage for sure this time, he felt some relief when he saw it was only Kyle and not…well, you know, the girl he was crushing on.
Wait, what was Kyle doing sneaking up on him?
"You okay, dude?" the boy in the green ushanka asked. "You didn't look well at lunch. Is something wrong?"
Oh. Oh, he was worried about him. Well, golly, he didn't mean to get people worried about him or anything. "It's nothing," Butters answered, not wanting to make Kyle go out of his way or anything. His problems shouldn't involve other people if only because it may trouble them or something like that.
"Is it what Cartman said at lunch?" Wow, Kyle wasn't holding back, was he?
"A little bit." He looked down at the floor, not wanting to see anything like disappointment from Kyle.
"Ignore what that asshole says," Kyle told him. "Half the stuff he says is a load of bunk. He was just trying to scare you."
"I know. But whenever he's talking, he makes it sound like he knows what he's talking about."
"That's how that tubby piece of lard is. You can't believe everything he says." Kyle's words were biting, as if they could hurt someone if they were, you know, real. "It's not as if the friend zone is a real place."
"You're right. I shouldn't believe all that scary stuff." It was really nice being able to talk this stuff out with someone. He was feeling better already. "Thanks Kyle, you're a real pal."
"There's nothing to be afriad of Butters so go out there and talk to that girl you like," Kyle said, giving an encouraging smile.
The world came to a stop and Butters felt as if his heart was made of lead. "Who told you I liked anybody!" he cried out, quickly covering his mouth and looking side to side to see if anyone had overheard him. The last thing he needed was for anybody out there to know he had a crush on somebody!
"No one. I kinda guessed," Kyle told him, shrugging. "It's not that big a deal. Just go and talk with her."
All the nervousness and all the doubts from before made a comeback and suddenly, Butters wasn't so sure anymore. It was one thing when he knew he was the only person who knew about him, gulp, liking someone else but it was another thing if someone else also knew about it. Suddenly, rejection seemed like a big possibility, no, the only possibility. Oh hamburgers, what was he going to do?
"No! No, I can't!" Butters tried to make his escape, but Kyle held him by the shoulder, stopping him.
"What's the problem Butters?" Kyle asked, that worried tone in his voice.
"It's…it's nothing! I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. That's what I'm going to do." He spoke fast, his words almost running into one another.
"Hey, hey, don't be like that." Kyle turned him so that he was looking the Jewish boy in the eye, or he would be if he wasn't looking down at the floor and those were some nice shoes Kyle was wearing. Where'd he get them from? "Butters, look at me."
It took some effort, but the blond boy managed to lift his eyes and make contact with the more confident Jew.
"You're a nice guy, Butters," Kyle told him. "Girls would have to be crazy to not like nice guys."
"B-but don't nice guys always finish last?" Butters stumbled over his own words.
"That's another load of bunk. Girls, they like stability, even if they don't know it. They like guys who are senstitive and will be there for him. You, Butters, are all of those things," Kyle continued with his pep talk. "You are nice. You are sensititve. And you are always there for your friends. You are a very stable and responsible person. What's not to like about that? The only thing you're missing is confidence.
"Just do this. When you go up to her, look her in the eye and say without a hint of hesitation that you like her and would she like to go out with you. Heck, ask if she wants to see a movie with you. That's a safe thing right there. Don't show that you're nervous. They pick up on that."
The more Kyle spoke, the more Butters thought about it. Wow, Kyle really knew how to do this kind of thing, didn't he? In fact, Butters felt like he could go up to her today and ask her out. That would be great, wouldn't it?
"So I need to be confident?" he asked hopefully.
"It doesn't hurt, Butters. Trust me." Maybe there was something to that confidence thing. Kyle looked all confident right now and Butters was believing everything that he was saying. Yeah, yeah, there was something to it after all.
"Thanks, Kyle. You know what? I'm going to go talk with her right now," he stated, squaring his shoulders like a man about to go into battle.
"Do it, Butters, and remember: confidence," Kyle instructed as he removed his hands, as if he was setting a lean, not-so-mean, Butters machine on the world. That didn't sound so bad there.
It was time for his date with destiny at long last.
As he watched Butters head off, Kyle was feeling pretty inspired right about now.
As shy as Butters was, if he could get the guts to confess to a girl, that meant that he himself could do that same thing. And you know what? He had a girl in mind already.
Nicole was recently separated with Token. So while it would be a dick move, Kyle was going to be smart about this. He wasn't going to go outright and ask her to be his girl. He was going to use some finesse, get closer to her, and if he was lucky, have a successful date with her.
It seemed like love was going to be in the air tonight and the Jewish boy was no exception to it.
It took some time but he found her. Butters was almost feeling giddy with excitement here. His heart was beating but it wasn't because he was nervous. No, it was with confidence. And with that confidence, he was going to get himself a girlfriend.
No longer was he going to be Butters, that guy without a girlfriend. No, from now on he was going to be Butters…that guy with a girlfriend. Hmm, needed some work but that could be done later. When he had a girlfriend.
She was just ahead with her curly blonde hair, minding her own business and doing girl stuff. At least he thought it was girl stuff. Couldn't really say what girl stuff was but that was beside the point.
Annie was just standing, his for the taking. Time to put that confidence thing Kyle had told him about to work and see if he could finally upgrade his Facebook relationship status from single to…the opposite of single. Not married, or engage, or things' complicated.
Remember, Butters, confidence.
"Hey Annie," he greeted as he came up to her. "How ya doing?"
Yeah, good start, Butters.
"Hey Butters," Annie greeted back, smile on her face, just as Butters always imagined her to be like. It was like she was waiting for this moment, for him to come clean. There really was something to being confident! "I'm good."
"Say Annie, there's something I need to tell you." This was it. He was at the moment of truth. He was about to lay it all on the line.
"Sure. What is it?" Annie asked.
"Well, I just wanted to say that for a while now, that is if you would um-um-um, I mean, I-I-I la-la-la-la—" oh wow, this was harder to do that he thought. Darn it Butters! Be confident already! "—um-um-WOULD YOU GO OUT WITH ME?!"
He nearly screamed that in her face but he got it out. Amazing job there Butters! Way to go! You did it! He always knew he had it in him! Sure it was tough going there for a bit but gosh darn it, he had pulled it off. Thank you, Kyle. You're a true pal.
"Oh, that's very nice of you," Annie said and he was hanging off her every word. Any second now, he was going to hear a yes, he was sure of it. "I'm flattered, really." She was flattered! Oh boy, he had never gotten this far in his imagination! "It's nice that you think of me that way." Uh huh, go on. "But I think it best if we remain friends." Here we go, here we—what?
The whole world seemed to freeze then, the back ground pulling away while all focus zoomed in on his face. "Huh?" he voiced out, his poor brain not really grasping what her last words had been.
"I think it would be best if we stayed friends. I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship we have," Annie continued. "But it was sweet of you to ask. It's just, I don't think I'm the girl for you."
He was starting to wish that a hole would open up and swallow him whole.
"Besides, there's a guy I like already," Annie admitted, her checks blushing lightly as she looked away. "He's a strong, silent type." No. "Doesn't say anything but that makes him so mysterious." This wasn't going where he thought it was going. "Plus he saved me a while back from some girls picking on me." Oh God, it was. "I also think he likes me back…though I'm not really sure what his name is. Butters? You don't think his name is really Douchebag, right?"
Douchebag.
Gosh darn it.
Eric was right. Eric had always been right. On both things. That being friend zoned was the worst thing that could ever happen to a guy. And Douchebag was a total douchebag.
"I'm sorry…Annie. I don't…really know," he told her, his own words breaking apart from the hurt he was feeling.
"Oh. Well. It was nice talking with you Butters," Annie said. "I need to be going to class. I'll talk with you later."
He barely noticed that she had left. All he could do was stand there and stare off into space. He knew now what it was that Token was feeling. The crushing despair, the hopelessness, the depression… It was so…so…overwhelming.
Everything he knew, everything he thought he was, it was all falling apart. Who was Butters? Oh, he was just that guy without a girlfriend. A loser. Nobody could ever like him. Nobody could ever like him in the way he wanted to be liked.
There was no question that he was now in the friend zone.
It had taken a bit but Kyle had finally tracked her down. There she was, chatting with some of the other girls. Talking about girl stuff, whatever girl stuff was. He needed to wait for an opportunity to present itself where she was isolated and not backed up by her girls.
That way she would be more vulnerable. And maybe more willing to say yes to anything he asked. Yes, he had spent a lot of time doing research on how to ask a girl out. So sue him. One of the many things he learned through movies and the internet had to be right.
He could feel his heart speeding up with anticipation as he bided his time. By that, he meant keeping an eye on Nicole and out for any of the guys. This would be more nerve-wrecking if any of the guys were around to see him do this. Unlike Butters who wore his heart on his sleeve, Kyle was much more cautious though not by much. He was always willing to put himself out there and make his opinions known. However there were always those times—hold up, she had left the herd.
It was time.
He made after her, walking down the school hallway as if he had every right to be there. Nothing to see here, just another kid heading to class like everybody else. Okay, he was closing in on her. A couple more seconds, he would be making contact. One more second…
"Hey Nicole. What's up?" Yep, start casual and work your way there…
"Hey Kyle. Nothing much," the African American girl answered.
"How are things?" Keep it casual, Kyle, you can do this.
"Okay, I guess," Nicole shrugged.
Not even mentioning the separation, huh. Made things a little harder but it was still doable. "I saw Token a while ago. Did he tell you about anything that might be going on with him?"
"Token? Oh yeah, we're…we're kinda taking a break from one another. Try out new things," Nicole told him. Oh yes, he was almost there. "Things were kinda getting, I don't know…"
"Monotonous?" he suggested.
"Yeah, that," she agreed. "Sometimes you need to do things differently for a bit."
"Uh huh," he nodded, listening to her.
"You don't think there's something wrong with that, right?" she asked him, concern in her eyes. "I mean, I didn't want to hurt Token or anything."
"I understand," he said. "Doing the same thing over and over can get boring after a bit. Believe me, once you're done something for the hundredth time, you try to do anything to change things up a bit."
"You really do…" she marveled. Kyle couldn't help but swell with pride at that. "You're such a good friend, Kyle."
He was in and now he needed to—wait, what?
The whole world seemed to freeze then, the back ground pulling away while all focus zoomed in on his face.
"I'm glad that we can talk like this with one another," Nicole was speaking again. "There's somethings a girl can't tell her girlfriends, things that only guys will get. Not that I'm saying there's something wrong with the other girls but there are things that guys like you only get and they just can't. That's why you're a friend to me, Kyle. I wouldn't change that for anything."
Kyle's words were like ash in his mouth. What was happening? Was what was happening what he thought was happening?
"I'll see you later, Kyle." And there she went, leaving him behind and in a place he hadn't seen in all his plans and calculations. He…he was in the friend zone, wasn't he?
Was it him or was he feeling like Token was at this moment? Depressed, listless, no longer here?
Maybe this was what he deserved. It really was a dick move to move on another guy's former girlfriend and on the same day when he gets dumped by her. Screw that whole thing about separating to try new things, it was a fancy way of saying you were dumping someone. What kind of person was he that he would swoop in like some kind of shark smelling blood in the water? Not a very good person, he guessed.
Must be why he deserved this in the first place. Heh, he hadn't even gotten to the part where he asked her to do something with him, a fancy way of just saying going out on a date with him.
Time to pack it up Kyle and walk away. There's nothing you can do now but wallow in the slime that you yourself have become. That also included the gunk that came with being put into the friend zone.
You could hear the wind blow outside but inside a bedroom with a certain blond-haired boy nursing a bad case of heartbreak, it wasn't even registered.
After being friend zoned, it was as if Butters had been in a fog, a daze even. Everything had slowed down but at the same time sped up. So would that mean everything was moving at normal speed then? Whatever, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.
His fragile, little heart could only take so much, you know? He had been faced with disappointment after disappointment, grounding after grounding, crazy thing after crazy thing but this, this had to be the worst of them all.
When he had finally come home from school, his father had been on the couch, reading his newspaper like always, stopping only to ask him how his day had been. He had only given a sigh and went up the stairs to lock himself in his room. He hadn't come out since, not even when he was told dinner was ready.
So here he was, in bed, almost crying his heart out. He had finished doing that five minutes ago and was on the post-crying sniffles at this point. He didn't even feel the hunger pangs anymore, not that it was important to eat anymore. If he could, he would just lie here and never leave his bed again. Why go back out into a cruel, cruel world to have his heart broken again?
Why had he listened to Kyle anyway? He should have just kept his big mouth shut and watched from far away, like he had been doing for the past two days when his crush first started. That confidence stuff, it hadn't worked! But he couldn't blame Kyle. He had been trying to help. It was his own fault that he had listened and gotten hurt.
Why were girls so mean? Why did they have to hurt boys like him all the time? Sure he wasn't Clyde, or Craig, or Kenny, but couldn't there have been one out there who liked him? Really and truly liked him?
When would he meet her? Because he could really use her right about now.
Outside, the wind grew stronger.
There was a reference to another fic of mine, My New Best Friend. Anyone care to guess what the reference was?