Title: Alter Ego
Author: Angel Leviathan
Spoilers: Whole book.
Disclaimer: Wicked and its characters aren't mine.
Notes: Set in the early days of Elphaba's time as a terrorist.
The tears stung like fire and she couldn't stop them. She would have given anything at that moment just to stop crying and she couldn't do it. She was sure the trails her tears left would leave scars if she continued, but the more she tried to calm herself, the more tears fell.
She was a terrorist, she thought she knew everything about the world, she damn well wasn't supposed to cry. She had cried on few occasions in her life and even in those moments, the pain had been enough to make her stop. She was an outcast, an enigma, outspoken, she wasn't supposed to be capable of breaking down like a child and sobbing her heart out.
She was alone. Elphaba loved to be alone, preferred her own company to that of anyone else, but before there had always been the option of somebody to talk to. It wasn't so much the conversation she missed. It was being with people she trusted, people who knew her, knew what she could be like, and still loved her.
She thought she must be crying the most for Glinda. She was surprised that it wasn't Nessa. But she had been bound to Nessa since early childhood, yes, she loved her, but Nessa had never been someone she ever chose to be with. When she first met Glinda, she was sure she hated everything the girl stood for. Class, money, snobbery. Little intelligence. Or so it seemed. Glinda always infuriated her because she could think, she did think, when it suited her, and still let herself be guided by social status and material gain. Yes, she had changed, she had changed very much since the day she and Elphaba had met. Glinda was naïve in an almost innocent way that made her want to protect her friend. Her best friend. Yes, she had hated what she was at times, and she would never have seen herself being close to her, but Glinda kept her balanced. If she was being stupid, she never hesitated to tell her she thought so. They were opposites, but they were the same. Elphaba had believed she was the stronger, that she must be, because she had broken free and Glinda had remained in her safe little world. She wanted her company. She wanted her around to tell her she was being stupid. So she could be contrary and stubborn and play her little game of really getting Glinda to think, even when she didn't want to. She wanted to be Elphie again. If only so she could have someone to hold her back when she went too far.
Perhaps she missed Glinda most of all because she loved her more than any of her family. Glinda might think she was strange and stubborn and outspoken, but she trusted her. She chose to be with her, chose to be her friend, she wasn't false when it came to their friendship, she didn't pretend to love or like her as her family had.
But Glinda wasn't there. And Elphaba wasn't Elphie anymore. She straightened up and bit down hard on her lip, drawing blood, until she forced herself to stop her tears. She was just Fae now. Fae worked best alone. Even if she did sometimes wish for her young blonde alter ego to be by her side.
Fin