Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation!
Pairings: NA (mentioned Yuki/Shu, Tohma/Mika)
Warnings: angst...and...POV
Author's Notes: Okay, this was the first Gravi fic I've EVER written, so please be kind .. I greatly appreciate reviews and feedback! This fic was inspired by a long time of thinking about, well...what gets talked about in this fic, and the song "Beautiful Child" by Madelyn, which also happens to be the title. I suggest checking it out! I also want to note that this fic is unbeated. So there might be a few errors, though I'm still checking over to make sure there aren't many!
Thanks! I hope you enjoy it!
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Broken. No, broken isn't the right word.
The more I think about it, the more I realize there are really no right words to describe the odd state my family is constantly in. Soap Opera is an understatement; Greek Tragedy is going too far. Though I guess at some points it's a little bit of both.
Estranged? In a way. There's still some odd connection that keeps us together. Whether it's dad's foot constantly hovering over the grave, or Eiri's never ending mental and physical issues, there's some crisis that eventually brings us all in one place. Though it's usually my brother.
It always has been.
And sometimes, to be honest, I feel sorry for him. He could breathe the wrong way and my sister would be on him in a second, not to mention his boytoy. He's had more than his share of problems, though I'm still left in the dark with some of them. I know he doesn't like the constant attention he gets from sympathy and pity. But it's still attention.
Would you believe me if I said we used to be pretty normal? Yeah, sometimes I think it's unbelievable too, but we were. You can tell in some of those old family pictures my dad's kept around the place. He's kept everything, especially if mom was in it. He's smiling, she's smiling, both Mika and Eiri are smiling, and I'm too young to know how to look.
Mom died before I could really remember her, but that's okay. I've always figured that it'd be easier for me to not have to deal with memories of someone I loved and lost.
I've changed my mind.
It seems like once she died, the family lost their reasons to be happy. Lucky me to have started to become conscious of my existence right when that started, eh? Lucky, lucky me.
Don't get me wrong, I do love my family. My dad can piss me off to no end, but he's still my father. Sis works so much to keep us all together – I think she feels underappreciated. And, well, Eiri is Eiri. I'm not even going to explain that.
Mika has done a lot, though. Not very many people seem to notice it. She's done one hell of a job being a sister and a mother to both bro and me. I think she feels guilty, though. That something didn't turn out right. I've got a hunch it has to do with Eiri. Everything has to do with him.
My dad isn't the most approachable old guy around. He's usually pretty grumpy, strict, and traditional. But at the end of the day, he's still my dad. I do what he asks of me – mostly. He gets stressed easily, especially over family matters. Namely, problems with my brother. Again, Eiri.
Okay, I probably sound resentful now, don't I?
But it's true, you know. Ever since I was nine, it's always been about him. I know it has something to do with when he left for America with Tohma, but no one's ever told me. I've always been 'too young and impressionable' to corrupt with such knowledge, apparently. It's really starting to piss me off.
I hate being left in the dark, especially when it comes to my brother.
I doubt he thinks about it much, if at all, but I wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for him and whatever happened. I shouldn't be complaining or condemning anything, all I want is for someone to see that! I'm only taking his place, filling a seat. I'm not here because I wanted to give up the rest of my life to this place, to fulfill some religious and spiritual exploration or to help others fulfill theirs. I'm not here because anyone wanted me to be – I'm here only because Eiri didn't want to be.
I don't like just being the backup, you know. Sometimes it makes me feel…well, shitty.
But I never say anything about it. I don't want to disturb the shaky balance we finally have. So I just suck it up and go on with life.
And admittedly, it's not so bad. I mean, I do find some of this stuff interesting, in the end I know there will be some overall lesson to life I'll take out of it. I don't mind the rituals, the discipline, the people. I'll do it.
But it means nothing.
Now that sounds like your classic sixteen year-old feeling pissed at their family, doesn't it? Curse you, teenage hormones. That's what they call it, you know. Just a phase. You'll get over it. This is the age where you feel 'rebellious', to 'stretch your limits'.
Well, fuck that.
I lost my virginity when I was twelve, did you know that? I doubt it. I doubt my family knows it, too. They just vaguely know I'm sexually active as of late. But that's okay; I guess it's better that way, really. I should consider myself lucky that they don't give me a bitchfest over it.
Maybe that's what I'm looking for, though – a bitchfest, that is. Or maybe some disapproving glare, or a look, or something. Something.
I've probably gotten around more than both my brother and sister have. Both women and men, more often women, though. I started smoking when I was fifteen. I've done pot before but haven't tried it since. I have enough faith in myself not to dig myself into a hole that deep.
I sneak out at night more often than not, at least recently. People don't care about my age anymore. And honestly, I don't feel it either. I don't know what I feel – older or younger. And honestly, I don't care. And neither do they.
I always found it funny that it was usually the middle child who was supposed to be the more withdrawn, ignored one. Well, I guess Eiri has the withdrawn thing down. But he's usually the center of attention.
Maybe I'm just being very childish to want to snatch that away from him sometimes. But I will openly admit here and now that I do. Even if for a little while. I do want to help him, though. I always will and no matter what happens, he's my older brother and I know I'll always look up to him. But I want what he has.
I want people to notice me sometimes, too.
I don't have a rock star fuckbuddy like my sister and brother. The only one I want is far away from me in distance and years. I'm not hugely successful. I don't have any insanely special talents that are posted up for everyone to see and praise on a constant basis. I don't have connections.
I like to draw sometimes, though. Did you know that? Yeah, and take pictures. I was lucky enough to get a digital camera for my birthday a few years ago. It's well used. But I couldn't take photography like I wanted. Dad said it wasn't important to the temple, so I just went with it. Like always.
But you know what? I'm tired of it. I'm tired of letting my life being completely run and dominated by other people. I may love them, but I don't have to like that fact.
So that's why I'm doing this. I want to say it's nothing personal, but that would sort of be a lie. It is personal, to my family, 'cause they're my whole reason for…well, everything.
To whoever finds this, well…pass it on to my family, okay? I owe them an explanation.
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The little red light on the camcorder blinked off as Tatsuha pushed the stop button. He rewound the tape, making sure the thing had actually recorded properly. Satisfied, he left the videotape on his freshly made bed.
The room was bare, lacking the usual personality that screamed 'Tatsuha'. Not a single Nittle Grasper memorabilia could be found. Drawers were emptied; desk was bare of its usual chaos. The place was bland, looking unlived in. All that was left were a pair of duffle bags sitting at the foot of the bed.
He zipped up his jacket without a word. Tentatively sliding the door to his room open, he checked up and down the hallway for any sign of his father. When he was met with nothing but the usual silence, Tatsuha quickly went back into the room to grab his bags before gently closing the door behind him. He tiptoed down the corridor just as quietly, making sure to snatch up his leather boots before slipping outside into the cool night. Sitting on the porch, he silently slipped the shoes on, letting the moon be the only light to guide his fingers. Once done, he paused, looking up towards the sky.
There had been a few summer nights spent, once, where they would sit on those steps and watch the sky, the pond. Kyoto was always a pretty place, if a little uneventful. But they could always take time to admire the scenery. Or they used to.
Tatsuha sighed a bit, running fingers through his hair, biting his lower lip. But he pushed himself off the steps before he could have second thoughts. Bags in his hands once again, the dark-haired boy floated expertly across the property, not disturbing a single stone or making a noise. He had done this more than once, but he would not have to anymore.
His bike was where he last parked it, conveniently all ready set up in the driveway. Tatsuha secured both bags onto the back and quickly put on his helmet. There was a pang in his chest, but he opted to ignore it. Yet as he sat down on the seat, it only grew. Turning to look over his shoulder, Tatsuha took a last mental picture of the place he'd called home for the first sixteen years of his life.
He would miss it.
Tearing his eyes away and slipping the clear plastic down to close off his helmet, Tatsuha vowed never to look back. Key in ignition, the motorcycle roared to life. He revved it a few times, reveling in the freedom and intimacy he felt between himself and his bike. He never had to worry about anyone else when he was riding. It was just him and the machine, driving to where it did not matter.
"T-Tatsuha?"
He refused to turn around. His father's voice sounded tired and surprised, shouting from the window.
"Where do you think you're going? Get back in here!"
He was tempted to comply. He'd never been caught before. Maybe that's why he wanted to start his bike so close to the house. He wanted to be caught. He had all these years, hadn't he?
"Are you listening to me?"
Not anymore.
Without another thought, he kicked up the stand and balanced on the bike.
"Tatsuha!"
And he drove.