She's Gone
"Looks like you have quite a haul there Percy. Could you use some help getting everything back to the condo?" "Yes, I would appreciate that La Salle."
Four hours later
"So when are you leaving again?" "The movers will be here first thing Monday morning then I'll leave right after the truck moves out." There is an unpleasant pregnant pause.
"I had a dream about you last night." Sonja starts out. "Well really about the both of us. About what it might have been like if I had kissed you that night after the boat nearly blew up"
"Sonja really." I backed up as she entered my personal space. "Don't you wonder Christopher what would have happened if I had stayed in your arms? If I had kissed you here and then here and then here? "Sonja please. Don't make it any harder than it is." "So tell me Chris, tell me that you never wanted me. That you never want to put your hands here. That you never wanted to wake up with me in your bed, in your arms. You can't can you?"
Shit, I'm backed into a corner now. If she wants to go there, I guess I have to too. "No Sonja, I can't tell you that because it would be a lie. I always wanted you. I just got to the point when I realized that it wasn't about us it was about the team.
Sonja I began to find myself distracted by you and by your presence. I couldn't wait for you to get into the truck so I could smell the soap on your skin or the shampoo in your hair. I wanted to grab your hand and bring it to my heart. I wanted to hold you in my arms and dance with you all night. I wanted to sit across from you at dinner and laugh at your jokes and watch how you scrunch up your nose when you break into a smile. And I wanted to take you into my arms and pull you to me.
God, Sonja, how did we get here? How did you embed yourself so deeply into my heart? I've done nothing but thought about it since you told me that you were leaving. But how could I say anything now? I pushed you away. You have a new opportunity and your staying here wouldn't have allowed us to be together. Yes another time or place I could see myself with you. Coming home each night laughing, talking at dinner and late at night in bed.
Oh Sonja please don't cry. It wasn't meant to be."
"You can say that Chris but it doesn't make me love you any less." "Sonja please stop crying. Come here."
As I pull her into my arms I say "listen Sonja, it's not that I never wanted you it's that we couldn't. "But I'm leaving now Chris. What's to stop you now?
"You're off to a new career, a new city, new friends and new men to love" I tell her.
She looks at me with those big brown eyes and as I drop my head to avoid looking into them, Sonja comes back close to my chest and puts her hand on my cheek. There was no resistance as she pulled my face closer to hers and kissed me hard. "I want you to make love to me Christopher" she whispers in my ear. Well this is a fait accompli I think as I lift her into my arms bridal style and carry her into her bedroom. My heart and body never had a chance against her touch and her words.
Being with her in such an intimate manner only confirmed to me that there was no way that I could be involved with her and work beside her every day. We got up about 8:00 and went out to find something to eat. Back in bed later I held her close while Sonja told me about the rest of her dream. "There was a big white house with a little curly headed girl and a blue eyed little boy playing in the front yard. You and I are sitting on the porch in a swing watching them while holding hands." I remained quiet and let her weave her story. Actually I was concerned that I might not be able to hold it together and I wasn't really sure what would I blurt out either.
These past few days I have thought way too much about Sonja Percy. My mind knew that not becoming involved with Sonja was the right thing for me. But if I am honest with myself though I know that I could have been very happy with Sonja as a woman and a wife. She's thoughtful, inquisitive, has a killer body, a great sense of humor and is as smart as a tack. And even though the positives outweigh the negatives, I couldn't shake the feeling that a loving relationship could cause a lapse in judgement for either of us and possibly cost the life of the other. I had seen no reason to allow my own heart and mind into the 'what if' zone that it appears where Sonja had moved to.
Morning came and I got up to find something to eat. I never did see the roommate. Sonja came back from walking the dog and we took a shower together and found ourselves right back in the bed all snuggled up together. Then my phone rang. "I'm sorry Sonja I have to go in." "Why would your life change now? she responds.
Sonja sat in the middle of her bed and watched me as I got dressed. I pulled her to me as I prepared to leave. "Let me see that smile again! You've been a wonderful friend Sonja. I will never forget you or what you have done for me. I can't even count the number of times that you have saved my life or how many times that you have made me laugh through a difficult moment. Come walk me to the door."
I turned to her one more time as I see a tear then another one escape her eyes. "Be safe my City Mouse" I say "and be happy and have a happy life." Then I gave her one last kiss.
I turned to hurry out the door and fell against the wall while putting my fist to my mouth to stifle my own desire to cry out at the pain I felt in my whole being. In spite of what I wanted to admit previously, I had indeed fallen hopelessly in love with Sonja Percy.
I couldn't see what was on the other side of the door. Sonja had fallen to the floor and lay there weeping at the loss of her Country Mouse.
A few days later while at King's bar I had one too many beers again and got up to play an old Hall and Oates song 'She's Gone'. Tammy came over and scooted in the booth right beside me. Well I don't have to ask who you're thinking about do I?" "Playing that song keeps me from crying in my beer" I say. "That's better then when I found Percy sobbing in the middle of the floor on Saturday morning. My shocked looked made her realize that she shouldn't have revealed that information to me. I could no longer 'man up' and I finally allowed myself to shed the pent up tears I had held in at my own loss as Tammy put her arm around my shoulder. Oh hell I thought in anger. This job had cost me both of the women that I had ever truly loved.
Everybody's high on consolation
Everybody's trying to tell me what is right for me, yeah
My daddy tried to bore me with a sermon
But it's plain to see that they can't comfort me
Sorry Charlie for the imposition
I think I've got it, I got the strength to carry on, yeah
I need a drink and a quick decision
Now it's up to me, ooh what will be?
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
I better learn how to face it
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
I'd pay the devil to replace her
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
What went wrong?
Get up in the morning, look in the mirror
One less toothbrush hanging in the stand
My face ain't looking any younger
Now I can see love's taken a toll on me
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
I better learn how to face it
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
I'd pay the devil to replace her
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
What went wrong?
Think I'll spend eternity in the city
Let the carbon and monoxide choke my thoughts away
And pretty bodies help dissolve the memories
But they can never be what she once was to me
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
I better learn how to face it
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
I'd pay the devil to replace her
She's Gone She's Gone
Oh why? Oh why?
What went wrong?