Portia's POV
I sit there, in the chair beside the bed, one hand resting on hers, the other wiping my eyes. She's resting now, and I watch as her chest rises and falls, thinking back on the past. We've had 12 good years ,and I suppose, I should be grateful for that much. 12 beautiful years, in which we've lived our lives, in bliss, unaware that such tragedy would strike at such an unexpected moment.
I remember quite well. It was August, 15, the eve of our anniversary, when Ellen collapsed, and our lives changed for ever.
"Babe-" Ellen had said, slowing to a standstill, hunching over, wincing in pain. At first, I had thought it was her back, and had helped her to sit down against a tree.
"Portia-" Her voice was filled with fear, and it frightened me. She clutched my hand so tightly it might have broken, and there were tears rolling down her cheeks, her breathing fast and labored, as if she couldn't get enough air .
"I-I can't breath Darling- I can't breathe-"
I had called an ambulance, and held her hand the entire way to the hospital. At first, the Doctor's thought she had a heart attack, but after they had ran some tests, I was asked out into the hallway by a very grave looking Doctor, and a sympathetic nurse. I knew something had to be very wrong.
"Mrs. DeRossi-" The Doctor began, and the nurse put a hand on my shoulder. "We've discovered a tumor in your wife's brain. It is, regrettably, inoperable."
My eyes filled with tears then, "How long-" I couldn't finish. My mouth wouldn't allow itself to form the words, because I thought somehow, if I didn't say it , it wouldn't be true.
"6 months." He answered anyway. "And it would sound best, coming from you."
And so I reentered the room, with the painful, unbearable task of telling my wife that she had 6 short months to live.
"Ellen- Darling-" I whispered, sitting beside her on the bed, stroking her hair, my face red with tears. Right away, she had noticed something was wrong. She always knew, no matter how I tried to hide it.
"Porsche-" She whispered, using the endearment that she knew I loved. "why are you crying? Whats wrong? Has someone hurt you?" Even at her weakest, she was as protective of me as a lioness.
I took a deep breath. I had to be strong , for her. I had to be the strong one now. "Ellen- You have a tumor in your brain. It is inoperable, and you have 6 months left to live." I began to sob then, and she reached up, pulling me close against her, allowing me to bury my face into her shoulder.
"I'm sorry baby" She whispered. "Im sorry"
"I love you Ellen-" I whispered then.
"I love you to Portia" She whispered back, "I love you so much"
We cried for hours, finally falling asleep in each other's arms.
The news spread to the Tabloids like a forest fire through a dead forest soaked in gasoline. Headlines like "Ellen's last days." and "Comedy Queen to die of Brain Tumor' assaulted me as I stepped into the market to pick up some of her favorite juice.
Complete strangers recognized me, and where in the past, there'd be people begging for autographs, now people randomly hugged me, and gave me gifts, trying in their own small ways to offer me whatever comfort they could. I have never loved my fans more than I did in those horrible, dark days. But they couldn't save her, no one could.
"Baby-" I called out each day, after she got home from work. I'd have her favorite soup ready in a mug, and we'd snuggle on the couch with the cats and dogs, and watch a movie, buried in each other's arms until it was time for bed.
"Honey-" I had whispered one night, pulling her close to me, resting my head on her shoulder. "I love you. and I always WILL love you, even when you're gone-" I held her tightly, fighting back the tears, but as always, she knew.
"Porsche- dont cry-" She whispered, turning around to face me, "I want to see your beautiful smile." She kissed the corner of my mouth, smiling at me, though i knew she wanted to cry.
She stood up then, walking to the door, and led me to the backyard. The stars shone brilliantly in the night sky.
"Look up my darling" She had whispered. "Look at the stars." She put her arms around me, holding me tightly. "When I'm gone, I will still be with you. I will never leave you, not really. When you feel alone, as if your heart is breaking, stand under the stars, and look up, and I will be the brightest star, watching over you. I will be the warm wind that encircles you . I will be the voice that you hear. I will still be with you."
We spent the night under the stars.
It wasn't long before she grew too weak to drive herself to work, and to walk up the stairs to her stage on her own. I began going to work with her everyday, and at the start of every show, I would help her up the steps, her leaning against me, my arms around her. I'd kiss her lovingly as I helped her to sit in her chair, and I disappeared to watch from the front row.
She no longer danced, but her sense of humor burned ever stronger in the hardest of times. She laughed, and joked, and gave presents to the audience, and large sums of money to children in the cancer wards. Even on the worst days, she refused to miss a single episode, sometimes, even filming from a bed that I would roll onto the stage.
My rock was crumbling, and my heart was breaking in two.
They say that when someone has brain cancer, their personality changes at times, and they do things they wouldn't normally do. I know that for a fact.
We had been sitting in the living room, when Ellen began to get up, saying she wanted another cup of tea.
"Here darling-" I smiled, gently taking the cup from her hand, "Let me do it. you rest."
"REST?" She had snarled, "ALL I ever do is rest! Would it kill you to let me get my own Damned tea for once?"
"Ellen- Honey-" I took her hand then, trying to calm her, but she brushed me off angrily.
"LET me go!" She growled, glaring at me.
"ELLEN!" I darted towards her when she stumbled, and put my arms around her. "Here. sit down-"
"NO. Portia!" Then she did the unthinkable. She slapped me. It was the first time she had ever done anything like that, and it terrified me. I recoiled, like a dog who had messed on the carpet, sinking back onto the couch, curling up into a tight ball, shaking and sobbing.
"Oh My God. Portia-" Ellen gasped, realizing what she had done. She limped towards me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Portia I'm so sorry. I dont know what came over me I-I-" she rested her head against me, and cried.
"Shh." I turned around, forgiving her instantly, wrapping my arms around her. "Shh. Baby. it's alright. I'm not upset. " I held her. "I love you Ellen. I love you"
"I don't want to die Portia-" Ellen whispered, "I don't want to leave you, or to leave this world, or -" She began to sob, shaking against me.
"I don't want you to either baby. But you'll always be in my heart-" I whispered.
"Ok." She cracked a smile, a teasing light to her eyes once again.
"ok Baby" I whispered back.
There came a time, near the end, when she collapsed on stage. It was her last episode, 5 ½ months since the diagnosis.
She stood,and asked the crowd if she could have the last dance. Asked them to dance with her one final time.
The music played, and she danced, gliding across the stage with all the beauty and grace as she she had when she was healthy.
Then, she fell, call out my name as she hit the ground. I was at her side instantly.
"Baby!" I fell beside her, pulling her into my lap, sobbing, not caring that this was a live performance, and that the cameras were rolling, and the whole world was seeing this. All I cared about was holding her, and comforting her.
"Please don't leave me baby." I sobbed, holding her in my arms, begging God to not to take her away from me yet.
"Portia-" Ellen raised her head to look at me, a kind, loving smile on her face. "Remember the stars. You will never be alone. Remember who you are Portia. You are a light. "
"Ok baby." I whispered.
As we exited the building, to the ambulance, I saw that there wasn't a dry eye in the entire audience.
Here I am now. The months have passed, and she is dying. It's hard to believe that the person you love the very most is leaving you.
I climb into the bed beside her, snuggling against her. I smile as she weakly wraps her arms around me.
"P-P-Portia-" She whispers, and I turn instantly, burying my face in her neck. She still smells the same. The scent of her shampoo, mixed with her perfume, and a scent that I can only describe as happiness. I still feel her warmth against me as I lie there, still feel her kindness and gentleness, and her strength. She's still my Ellen.
"Ellen. " I see how weak she is, and the sight frightens me. I see how hard she's trying to hang on. "Baby. you can let go. It's ok. I-I'll be ok." I kiss her. putting all of my emotion into it for I know it will be our very last.
"I love you my Darling" She whispers. "I love you. I'll always be watching over you."
"I know baby. I love you too. I love you so much-" I smile through my tears, letting her see me smile once again, for the last time.
"Porsche-" She whispers, her voice weak. I take her in my arms, letting her rest against me, like so many countless nights before.
"You can let go Darling." I whisper. "Ok baby?"
"Ok Porsche-" Her eyes close, and she takes a deep ragged breath. And moves no more.
I enter the house, the stillness making my heart ache. The Funeral was today, and I feel so alone, so alone. Wolf runs over to me, begging to go out.
"Come on boy." I say, opening the back door, stepping onto the grass. The stars shine brilliantly, and I remember what Ellen told me that night we spent under the stars. She would never leave me.
I see a shooting star, bright and flaming against the night sky. A warm wind encircles me, blowing my hair around my face, "I LOVE YOU!" I shout, and it seems as if the wind is speaking.
"I love you too Porsche-" I hear. "I love you too."