Yes. I wrote a story again. Yes. I erased everything else. No. I do not care. Why did I call this story Ice? I have no idea.

XXX

Ice

XXX

I'm sitting here. I'm always sitting here. It's not like I've got anywhere to go, anyone to turn to. Sometimes I feel like, once the Big Bang came along, that my life has just stopped moving. I feel like I'm stuck in some type of place I don't wanna be. I'm running, always running from someone or something. I've completely forgotten why I'm living anymore. I only eat, and sleep, and breathe. I'm no longer aware of who I am. I don't feel much anymore. I've been slumming around this old abandoned building Hyde's placed us at, wondering what my purpose in life is anymore. I lay down, I sleep, I dream that maybe my life will turn back around, that maybe I can finally do something worth doing, but then I'm awakened by a heavy fist to the gut and I'm drug to the floor where I'm pinned for a few seconds, dark eyes glaring down at me like I'm a piece of worthless scum, and I'm reminded that I have no life of my own anymore. There's no more reason to go on trying. So why do I bother living?

Hyde still keeps me around. I don't see why he bothers. I'm no real use. I can get in quick, and get out quick, and that's about it. I can hunt down anyone he wants me to if he gives me something to work with, but after that, I'm treated like dirt once again. He keeps hurting me. He's always hurting me. And Kangor doesn't do anything to stop it. He just turns away, staring blankly at his own existence. I wonder why he bothers staying here too. He could do well for himself without Hyde, without me. But he stays, and every time I ask him why he bothers staying, he asks me why I bother living. And then I think. For the whole night and the whole day, I'm thinking of myself. I'm thinking why can't I be dead? I don't want to put a bullet to my head or a blade to my wrist. But I don't want to live either. Do I? Do I really just want to die? Do I honestly think that there's nothing left for me but to follow Hyde's every word, to make him happy? Could there really be something for me?

I'm caught thinking again, and I think and I think and I think until I'm hurting because I'm thinking, and Hyde doesn't want me thinking, so he throws me into a wall, and tells me to concentrate, to listen to him, to follow his orders. But I can't listen to him. I do what he says, but I can't understand him, I can't understand why he has to choose this life. Why are we here? Are we his toys or something? Is this some type of government conspiracy? Did aliens zwarp his mind? Is he brainwashed? What is he? He's…a monster. That's all I can call him. I don't know what else to say about him other than he's greedy, he's selfish, and he holds no moral. I hate him. I despise him. I want nothing to do with him.

But if I leave, I'll regret it.

I tried once to leave, but Hyde found me easily. I don't know how he did it, but he did, and once he had me in his grasp once again, he began beating on me. He punched me, he threw me, he insulted me with words that I never thought could be. He'd always end with calling me a worthless piece of scrap, and he doesn't know why he puts up with me. I don't either. And I want to shout it to him, scream it to him, why don't you just throw me away for good?

But I can't, because if I do, I'll regret it. I always end up regretting it. All the time.

And so I just sit here. I sit here and contemplate my very existence. Hyde hates me. Hyde despises me. Hyde needs me. For some ungodly reason he needs me and I want nothing more than to leave him in need and never having what it is he needs. Like me. He can want and want and need and need and there will be nothing and no one there to give it to him, to help him. He'll sit there and he'll think and then he'll die just like everyone else.

But I know I can't leave. It's his need for me; it's my need for him that keeps me here. I don't know why I say I need him but I do know that in some form or way I just might. I don't know. I never know. Hyde doesn't give me time enough to know. He always makes sure my mind isn't too busy thinking. He'd known that it was a dangerous thing to let me think on my own because he had done it once before and I came to him with the question: "Why are we doing this? Why are we hurting people? Why?" And that's why I don't ask why anymore. He had left me within an inch of my life and he hadn't bothered to pull me to my feet the next day, or the day after that. But Kangor had. Kangor had hauled me to my feet, drug me to the old ruddy couch in the room and had tended to my wounds. I guess that's why I feel safer when I'm with him. I feel at peace. I feel so much better. Just looking at him keeps me from ridding the world of myself, or running away again. As long as I know he's here, I can withstand Hyde. I can live through this. I can make it and hopefully, when Hyde is done with me, I can try to start over. I can try to live a life worth living. I can go a day without fear of being tormented by heavy fists and hard kicks. I can be happy. Man, I hadn't been happy in a long time.

I had lain there on the couch while Kangor was looking at my broken fingers and the large bruises on my entire upper body. He had had to remove my shirt to get to my bruised and fractured ribs from when Hyde threw me into the table. He was also looking over the gash I had received on my leg from when Hyde had thrown me into the table he had already broken, and a sharp peace of one of the legs cut across my thigh. It had hurt, bad, but at least I had Kangor. Even if he didn't try to provide comfort, it was what I felt.

"He really did a number on ya," Kangor had muttered as he grabbed hold of my fingers, bending them back into place. I whimpered at the first one and shouted out at the second one. On the third on, the last one, I couldn't make a sound. I could only give a silent scream and close my eyes as I wrapped my good hand over Kangor's shoulder and buried my face in his chest, tears finding their way down my cheeks. God how I hated crying. It showed weakness and vulnerability. It showed that I really was only useful for a punching bag and a hound dog.

While my face was smashed against Kangor's chest, my good hand on his shoulder, claws digging into his flesh, I had noticed something. Kangor didn't pull away. It almost scared me. It caught me so off guard that my tears flowed faster. I tried to make them stop. I tired to pull myself away from him but I couldn't. I just couldn't. His hand was still latched to my limp fingers, but ever so lightly, and he didn't make a move. Not a single move. He just stayed there while I was drenching his shirt in my tears, my claws drawing blood. He'd probably complain later and then Hyde would find me crying and then he'd scowl at me and call me more names and so on and so forth and I'd wind up depressed once again, feeling nothing but a lonely empty feeling inside me. An emptiness that I felt could never be filled.

In a matter of minutes I was finally able to let my head go back against the arm of the couch, though my left hand (my good hand) was still clutched to his arm and he had let go of my other hand. I noticed the signs of pain he was giving now as my claws dragged from his shoulder to his elbow, but he didn't pull away. I felt so bad. I could see the blood I was drawing from his arm, I could see it sliding down my fingers. It scared me. It scared me so much. I was hurting this man. What would Hyde say if he walked in right now and saw this? He'd probably call me a dirty little faggot again and then punch me. He wouldn't even bother with an explanation from Kangor or me. He'd just see Kangor hovering over me with my claws dug into his flesh, forcing him even closer. He wouldn't think of anything else. He'd be furious.

There's another problem Hyde has. And I guess it's another reason why he beats me. It's not like he found out this summer while I was staring at Kangor's shirtless form sweating from the blistering heat. He knew far before that. A long time ago. I guess you could say I knew Hyde long before the Big Bang. But I don't want to get into that right now. In fact, that's the last thing I even want to mention or think about. What he did to me…

I closed my eyes, for only a moment, cutting off the persistent tears. And when I opened them, I saw Kangor holding my wrist, trying to pry off my hand. I guess the pain had been too great for him. His blood was running down my arm now and it scared me more than ever. I quickly jerked my hand away, causing him to hiss in more pain. I looked up at him, regret and sorrow and fear in my eyes. He winced as he held his arm. I hurt him and I was so sorry. I was so scared. What would he do to me now? What would Hyde do if he came in here? What would happen to me?

And that's when he made eye contact with me. I saw those deep brown eyes staring unconsciously into the even darker brown of mine. Whatever he was looking for inside of me, I'm sure he found it because he looked away, letting go of his arm and looking down to my chest. I suddenly felt his cold hands on my pale flesh and I practically yelped. He was running his hands over my ribs and all I could do was whimper when he hit a spot where I'm sure the bone was practically broken. "Looks pretty bad," he said and he started to hold his bleeding arm again. He then took his hand to the gash in my leg where my hand had gone against it. It was bleeding and my blood was getting all over the couch and on my clothes. It wasn't all that bad, but it hurt like a bitch. And when Kangor held his hand against it I was completely out of breath. I don't like pain and I don't take it well and when this happened I thought for sure I would die of just the sheer exhaustion of it all. I swear my heart was beating so fast I thought it would pound out of my chest. I felt a cold sweat overtake me and when Kangor ripped my pants further to get to the wound I almost fainted. The pain.

I don't know how to describe how hurt I was. My head was now pounding right along with my heart and I thought for sure I was going to pass out. My leg was leaking enough blood to feed a family of vampires and my eyes were leaking enough tears to fill an ocean. I felt dizzy, I felt sick, I felt dead somewhat. I didn't know the feeling too well. It hadn't happened this bad before. Hyde had never hurt me this bad. I didn't know if I could take this much longer.

"I wish he could c-could leave me…alone," I wheezed out to Kangor, but for all I knew, he wasn't listening. He glanced at me a bit but then quickly looked away.

Suddenly, I had felt Kangor's cold fingers against my waist and at the edge of my pants. Oh god, I thought, my eyes growing impossibly wide. I quickly jerked away, trying to scoot as far away from Kangor as possible but I was hindered by pain and exhaustion and I'm sure some emotional pain as well. Not to mention, as icy as Kangor's hands were I can't deny that I didn't like his feel, his skin to my skin. But I couldn't allow myself to be vocal about that. Instead, I used the pain and the fear of physical contact that I usually do suffer from as my motive. "I need ta get to the cut mon," he scowled at me as he pulled me back. "Unless ya don't mind wearin' thigh high shorts." That got me. As confused and tired and weary as I was I understood the concept of a man wearing short shorts. It wasn't pretty; especially when you're a pale skinny thing like me whose ex-best friend had given the nickname "milky thighs" to. Not pretty at all. (Ok, I've seen a few boys in my life who don't look half bad with those things on. But that's beside the point.) And so, I let Kangor do his work, wincing as the worn denim brushed against my abused skin. Parts of one leg of my boxers were drenched in red and when I looked down to see how bad the damage was, I thought for sure that I would flinch and look away. But I didn't. Instead I stared. I was enthralled by my own wounds. I knew then that what I drew on pieces of paper must have been the truth. The sight of Kangor's blood didn't scare me. It was just the thought of what might happen to me after that. The sight of my own blood didn't scare me either. In fact, it quite interested me.

I noticed Kangor hesitate for a second. I knew there wasn't much to work with at the moment in mending my leg, but he improvised. I expected him to reach for my shirt, which for the record I had no idea of its whereabouts. Instead though, he took his own shirt. I didn't know what was hurting me anymore. My leg and my entire body, or Kangor's own body right before me as he ripped at his shirt.

Delirious and exhausted, I couldn't hold my head up anymore and by the time it hit the arm of the couch, I was out.

I woke up some hours later, and when I had started to sit up the sudden rush of pain swung over me and I quickly fell back to the couch. For some reason, I hurt more than I had before. My leg had stopped bleeding, so all in all that was a good sign. My fingers still felt totally useless and my sides hurt more than ever still. My left arm though, I couldn't determine. I had moved it to reach for my face to wipe at my eyes but once I started to rotate my shoulder a bit the pain hit me like a racing semi. And all too quickly images raced through my mind. So fast in fact that I could barely register what they were. At a point, I saw Hyde furious as ever with death in his eyes. It came back to me. I thought I was finished. He had shoved Kangor away and had grabbed me by the arm. I remembered screaming. I remembered begging him to let me go; to just leave me alone. He didn't listen though. His grip tightened on my arm and in all too quick a moment I felt myself fall, or rather, be thrown into the nearest wall, which was only about five feet from me but it still hurt. It was excruciating. Hard and fast and I thought for sure my back was broken. Hyde had never let go of my arm though and I guess that's how it came to be the way it was. I winced when I saw the marks left upon my skin.

His hand released me and gravity brought me down to the floor, tears streaking my face and blood staining the walls and floor. I don't remember much after that. I slightly recalled Hyde leaving, threatening Kangor on the way and then I felt Kangor's cold hands on me once again. And then I was on the floor again. Hyde wasn't going to let up this time. He was sick of us pissing him off. Though I don't really know how we accomplished that. I know that deep down in my brainwashed body Hyde was just hurting himself. I recalled shouts and screams and struggles. I remember grunts of pain and thuds of falling masses. And that's when my memories stopped and I blacked out.

And now I lay here, the scent of blood and death still in the air, but there was no body to have claim to them. There was only me in the room. I felt the sudden sense of loneliness once again and the empty feeling in my chest was rising. I felt the tears in my eyes and would have wiped them away before they could fall but one hand still felt immobile and my other arm was too battered to move. It felt like that feeling you get when you work out for hours on end and strain yourself so hard that your muscles feel like bursting out of your skin. Just as the tears started I felt a sudden presence in the room. Out of instinct, I sniffed the air finding a familiar scent and my spirits rose. I was able to turn my head and roll my eyes towards the direction of the scent and that's when I saw Kangor, slightly panting and holding his right shoulder, the same shoulder I had dug my claws into. He was walking in with a limp and one eye was unable to open. The fear came back to me. I was certain Hyde would jump him or something, but I couldn't see the other man anywhere. I couldn't smell him, I couldn't hear him; all I could smell was blood and sweat and mold and dust and a small presence of death. I was scared more than ever now. And I'm sure that my eyes showed it.

I raised my head a bit, and tried to sit up, but I only got so far. I dug my body back into the couch when I saw Kangor approaching. He was hurt, he was alive, but Hyde was nowhere to be seen. The thought of death scared me once again. I had been trying to deny it for years of my existence but it was futile to ignore what was part of every day life. It drove through my mind; racing here and there and touching every part of me I thought I'd crumble to a mass of bloody and broken limbs. A large lump in my throat prevented me from swallowing now and I nearly choked as I backed away into the surface of the couch, my eyes wide as saucers and my whole body trembling. Kangor stopped in his tracks and leant against the wall. He just stared at me, his bloody and sweating body shaking. But not as much as mine. I felt like a scared dog now. I probably looked like one as well. All Kangor had to do was look at me—he didn't even have to do that—and I knew right then what had become of Hyde.

I choked as I swallowed and sputtered blood. I felt the ache in my jaw and the broken tooth. I felt the coppery taste of my own blood and it leaked out of my mouth as I turned my head, looking away from Kangor after all this time.

He killed him, I thought to myself. He had killed him. I may have hated Hyde. I may have despised him far more than despise is worthy of being used. He may have hurt the person I loved. He may have killed him. I wanted Hyde dead more than anything then and just a while ago. But now that it was done, I felt myself grow colder. I felt I would die of sheer fright and I couldn't help the sobs leaking from my throat. I couldn't stop my head burying into my arms. Tears, blood, death, pain, despair. The ugly world I lived in now was dying all too quickly. Everywhere I turned there was another suicide, another child raped, another woman ravaged, another affair, more pain here, more there; it racked my brain and I thought for sure I'd die of it all. Die of the delirium I was now in. I denied my life. I denied the pain my body had felt. I denied that I even ever existed for a small moment in my life.

And when I looked up again, my face a mixture of anguish, blood and salty tears, Kangor was right there, his eyes fixed on mine, and I was his for the time being.

"You can leave," he said in barely a whisper before wincing at the bother of his aching arm. "'E won't bother you…again." I watched as he slumped to the floor, doing his best to hold his head up. "Can't bother us…" he never looked away from me. He never broke eye contact. I was transfixed. He scared me. Everything scared me. The whole world was nothing but a frightful nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. "Ferret…"

"W-w…wha..?" I couldn't get the words out. My body was consumed by all emotions but my conscience. That was lost somewhere far, far away. I didn't know what would happen to me now. I could tell Kangor had no motion to kill me. He wouldn't hurt me. He'd never hurt me. Never. But I still couldn't trust him. Not after what had just happened. If he could kill Hyde, whom else would he bother to rid the world of? Fear was my strongest emotion I had left, and I was frantic.

"'e's gone," he whispered to me. "Gone, Ferret."

He spoke as if he had just gotten rid of the worst evil that could have tormented the world so harshly. He acted as if I was some lost boy of royal blood whom he had just saved from assassination. Don't ask where I got that one. I was delirious. I didn't know anything but fear and what I had read in The Sandman comics—or graphic novels as some call them. I didn't know what I felt anymore. I felt my body was mush and my mind was mashed.

He looked at me for a bit, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. And then, he blinked away, leaning his head back against the wall, finally taking his eyes off me. I looked down, unable to speak. I didn't expect him to say anything else, and I'm sure he thought the same for me.

Over the course of two days I had floated in and out of consciousness, and every time, Kangor was right there, either examining his wounds or mine or just lounging about. We were low on food and it wouldn't be long until we were totally out. When it came to stealing and such I was usually the one in getting whatever needed. I guess it was because I was the least conspicuous. After all the ground didn't shake when I stepped on it. It didn't even make a sound. I had the patience for the job and the swiftness required. But not at the moment. I was too tired, too sore to do anything. I could barely move without whimpering in pain. As for Kangor, well, I don't know exactly what was running through his mind. I know we never really talked much in the time we had known each other. Hyde didn't want too many friendly relations going on. It got to the point where he didn't even want me talking to any living thing. I know when we first started out, he was more lenient with me, but over the years he had gotten worse. Something had happened to him and he was taking it out on me.

Well, thanks to Kangor that factor was resolved.

But the food issue was still in our minds. I came around, probably in the middle of the night, and saw Kangor over me once again, one hip pressed against the arm of the couch. I looked up at him with tired brown eyes and he raised his hand. I flinched ever so slightly, the image of a fist to my jaw planted in my memories, afraid he was going to hit me. I don't know why I had thought such a thing. He hadn't hurt me at all in the time we knew each other. He never raised a fist to me. But the memories of several other fists my way was probably what caused my reaction. When I felt his fingers in my hair—and I practically screamed in alarm because of it—I felt my body melt into the cushions. I gave a contented sigh. I don't know what Kangor was doing, but it felt so good. I'm sure, even to this day, Kangor had no motive for what he had done, and I assure you, I will never let him forget this moment.

My body was tensed from all the strain put through it over the past few days, but once Kangor's cold fingers laced through my greasy brown hair I was in Heaven. And it was kind of funny too, because I never really believed in a Heaven. I was more of the Atheist kind of guy, but when you're a free spirit going to the school I went too, its more considered Satanism if anything. Ironic…sure. But either way, if there be a Heaven in my mind or somewhere out there, I was sure I was in it.

I was right. It is a state of mind. Just look at my surroundings. Dank, rank, dusty and dirty. Heaven only to some. The feeling in my body though…God but it felt so intense.

"Hungry, man," I was able to drawl out as I moved my head closer to Kangor's hip, feeling my forehead press against the denim of his jeans. To my surprise, he didn't move.

"I'm gonna get us food," he assured me. But it all felt so futile in my mind. I felt we'd never get food. I felt we'd never get heat. Winter was barely over and there was still snow on the ground and a chill in the air. I was freezing. My body was shivering; my hands ice cold and my flesh even paler. I feared we would die in this place. The eternal Hell in my mind.

But I didn't question him. I just lay my head against his thigh as his hand still roamed through my greasy locks, and I wondered forever then until I was out again why he had done it. Was it for the comfort of another person? Was it because he pitied me, and so thought it best to give me a warm feeling just for now? Was he playing with me? So many more questions raced and raced and I was out before I could finish them all.

Three days later, Kangor was nowhere to be seen. I was capable of finally walking—I'm sure I always was somewhat, but had been too broken spiritually to do it—and I was already looking for him. I searched all over the building; in places I hadn't ever been in before, put my nose to the ground and tried to find him. But where his scent landed me was to the doorway—an exit—to the outside, and that's where I stopped. There was no trail leading back in. My lip trembled, my jaw still aching. I had finally gotten the broken tooth out last night, but the bruises on the right side of my face were still visible. I was just glad it wasn't broken. I had no medical experience at all in my life. I was an art major student at Dakota University, not some doctor. I didn't even really know how to go about sprained ankles—I'd just say put pressure on it—or a stomachache even—I'd just told myself it'd go away eventually. As for bruised and slightly fractured ribs, a practically broken arm, out of place fingers and gashes in legs, I was completely lost.

I didn't want to go outside. For starters, it was cold. There was still snow on the ground, ice in the roads and it couldn't have been more than twenty degrees outside. Also, I had no way of keeping warm out there. All I had were baggy pants and an old worn black hoodie with torn sleeves, and I got cold pretty easy. Not to mention, the world was a scary place. Peopled died out there. I'd die out there. I already almost had on several occasions. And also again, meta-humans weren't exactly a welcome group. Even Static.

I slammed the door shut, leaning my back against it, safe inside. I couldn't believe he had just left like that, and without a word to me about it. Fear struck me once again. A while ago, when I had succeeded in waking up once again Kangor began to tell me of a place over near Ferris Row that Ebon and them had bunked in. He said they had heat. Heat! He said they had food and that maybe it'd be a good idea to get over there as soon as possible.

I let my mind relax a bit. That's were Kangor had gone. He had gone there. I didn't know quite where "there" was, but that must have been where he had gone. Where else would he go? I mean, it was the middle of winter; he wouldn't go outside for nothing. He wouldn't leave me here either. He'd be back for me. He knew how bad a condition I was in. He'd be back. I hoped.

My stomach started to grumble. I hadn't eaten much in the past umpteen days and I was STARVING! But I remembered: no food. And thus, as I turned my head to the window at my side, peeking a glance to the gray and white world outside, I knew I'd eventually have to leave. I'd have to get food. I wasn't going to live off of rats. I'm no wussy vampire like Louis. Heck no.

I'm a worser wussy.

XXX

Is Ferret still an Atheist? Yes. Is he gay? No. Did he have a boyfriend? Yes he did. Did the boyfriend die? Well, apparently. Did he have a girlfriend? Yes, and it is still Tiffany.

I might continue this; I might not. I don't know. Depends on if I feel like getting shwasted or not in the next couple of days. I'll decide then.