(OK, I hated that title so much I decided to change it. Sue me all you want. It was awful.)
I've written this fractured fairytale as a leap off of what Shrek 2 suggested in several bar scenes and the ending, where, if you aren't distracted by the song ending, you can see the step sister putting the moves on Charming. I thought that this romance was the perfect revenge for his close-mindedness and bureaucratic mannerisms. I am perfectly supportive of gay marriage, but I wanted to explore what Dreamworks was insinuating, so please, I am writing from the standpoint of the characters, not my opinions. If I can bully the storyline along, and it will be going on hiatus often (camp) then things will turn out the way I want 'em to.
Also, I put the other stories on the side of the road, to continue perhaps when I feel like it and other people care. Please review, and oh, almost forgot, I DONT OWN SHREK. Sorry Dreamworks. No lawsuit for you.
Stop Shreking Around (cringe) now retitled Twisted Etiquette
"Get yourr hahnds offa mah wife!"
The thick Scottish accent behind him told Charming that the game was up. Damn! And after all those close calls, and after he had taken all the effort to dance to seduce his destined fiancé to kiss him. He decided to make the most of the confusion, and drew the startled Fiona into a kiss, a wild, experienced, passionate, and flawlessly rehearsed kiss. Fiona still seemed dazed after the invasion of his tongue, so he put his hands expertly on the sides of her face. I've got her! he crowed triumphantly in his head. He heard the ex-ogre behind him fall to his knees in despair. Fiona put her hands on his face as well, and he smiled at her encouragingly. Then, WHAM... darkness.
He woke up on the scuffed but fairly clean floor. Several people had been stepping on his hair (he arranged some private torturing sessions for the offenders in his head)...
... and there was a wet patch with his mother's wand and a shattered pair of glasses lying just a few yards away. Fortunately, Charming had no time to reason out what the perfume-smelling puddle meant, as blasting music and a giant stampede of dancing people threatened to squash him where he lay.
He managed to make it to his feet, rubbing his head, which throbbed painfully in time to the music's backbeat. A scene of complete insanity floated into focus. There was that porno- obsessed drag wolf, dancing in a pink nightgown, while several pigs squealed lyrics and break-danced around him. A cookie danced on the stage, a doll made several suggestive movements, a singing cat and donkey belted out the song, and two of the ugliest, repulsive creatures cavorted on stage. And, what was even more bizarre than anything else, all of Far Far Away seemed to be cheering these... freaks on. The ones on the stage seemed to have to have no fashion sense or choreography. So, in short, they were ugly, unprofessional, and couldn't dance. Why in the world would ANYONE cheer them on?
Turning to try to escape from this insane crowd, he saw that the Queen trying to dance with a frog. He ran past most of the people, his head whipping from side to side as more surreal fantasies whirled before his eyes, before running blindly into a bulky body ahead.
"Oof!" he moaned, the impact having driven all the air out of his body. A large, beefy, and very hairy arm, lifted him up off the ground, and pulled his face toward the blurry and square face.
"Hey there, angelface," said the apparition. A face that was in definite need of an eyebrow-pluck, and many phases of plastic surgery loomed into his, then held a finger up to its heavily-lipsticked lips. Total confusion conquered Charming's frazzled nerves, the giantess put its lips against his, and a sort of numbness took over. What was this person doing? People didn't kiss him, he kissed them! Moreover, he couldn't even tell what this person was. The makeup, hair, and dress suggested a woman, but the voice and facial structure screamed a man.
Charming's mind decided that enough was enough, shorted out, and he blacked out on the stairs that stretched up to the castle. He was vaguely aware of being lifted up and carried, but then he was lost again in the mists.