I am a woman in her late twenties who is currently going through aggravated infertility. I have been through every single treatment in the book and every infertility situation imaginable. I became a fan of Friends this January after I heard about Chandler calling Monica a "mother without a baby." Since then, I refer to myself as a mother without a baby. I also was able to relate to what Courteney was going through in real life, as I went through many of the same things she did. As a matter of fact, while she was pregnant this last time, I was pregnant too, but unfortunately mine ended in another miscarriage. (I've had many of them.) (Unfortunately as well I don't have a tenth as much money as Friends actors have, so my treatment is often halted for months for financial reasons.)
The following is a scene filler for between "The One With the Fertility Test" and "The One With the Donor". Monica and Chandler have just found out they probably will never have biological children, and hearing that from a doctor is one of the cruelest bad news a couple can ever get. The conversations and emotions portrayed are very realistic; they come from personal experience and from talking to hundreds of other women in my shoes. This is very much how infertile people feel, especially in the beginning stages. By reading this, you will be able to appreciate the hardships that infertile people go through on a daily basis, and the emotions they must contend with.
I hope you enjoy it and please leave me your comments.
It was a scant few hours since she'd learned the terrible news, that she and Chandler possibly would never have biological children. She was still in such shock that she could barely speak.
After Chandler had hugged her and promised that they would figure it out, she sat down on the couch, stunned. Not a word passed from her lips. The entire room swam around her and she burst into gut wrenching sobs. Her body shook and she put her head in her hands. Helplessly, her husband of two years and boyfriend of five watched her dissolve in waves of grief and did not know what to say.
"Monica," he said softly, feebly, "I know this hurts. I know this is horrible. But we have to find a way to deal with it. We have to be strong for each other."
"Easy for you to say," Monica bawled. "I've wanted a baby since I was a kid! You didn't want kids until a year ago!"
Defeated, Chandler raised his hands in the air and gently sat down next to her. He held her in his arms and let her cry her heart out on his shoulders. A few tears slipped unbidden from his eyes and he tried to shake them away.
After fifteen minutes of incessant crying, Monica felt emotionally spent. She leaned back in the couch, her face splotchy, her eyes bloated. Chandler looked at her with intense sympathy and love, and then told her to go wash her face, as they were going for a ride. She did just that. Wordlessly, he led her to the car and they drove around aimlessly in silence for half an hour. Finally, he headed over to Battery Park. The couple walked silently along the water, holding hands tightly. It wasn't necessary for words were to pass between them. They were communicating with the physical touch; they both knew very well that they loved each other and they were going to figure this out.
The gently lapping waves had a calming effect on both of them, as well as a tiring one. By the time they arrived home, it was close to midnight. They both headed to the bedroom, feeling exhausted. They changed into pajamas and went to bed. But when Chandler reached out for Monica, she recoiled. Telling him she was too tired tonight, she turned over to the other side. Chandler understood, and he kissed her goodnight. Within minutes, he was snoring, the events of the day having wiped him out.
But Monica couldn't sleep. She knew that the reason for her refusal had nothing to do with exhaustion. She had done it many times even when bone tired. The act of physical intimacy had lost all meaning to her, now that she knew that it would probably never result in a baby.
The past year of trying had taken a toll on her. A year of scheduled sex had dulled the enjoyment of it. Abstaining two days before ovulation, doing it the day before ovulation, the morning of, the night of, and the day after, then being too tired from performing on demand for the rest of the month, and finally crashing down to the depths of despair every time her period came, had been far from fun. And now, to learn that all of this was for naught, was too much to take.
She was too tired to cry, but too wound up to fall asleep. She got out of bed and into the living room. With a sigh she plopped down on the couch.
So this was what it felt like to be punched hard in the stomach. So this was what it felt like to have a life's dream taken away. For the first time ever, Monica was learning that not everything in life could be controlled by her. It was a terrifying and humiliating revelation.
To think that her body was betraying her! All she'd ever dreamed of was the beautiful house filled with children, Emma and Daniel and Jack and Barbara. She had dumped Richard, the former love of her life, for his refusal to raise children with her. Chandler had made plans for four children right after their engagement. The images of her future were always filled with laughing, boisterous kids, in impeccable clothes and coiffed hear. And now, it was all gone with a wisp of smoke.
Tears began coursing down her cheeks as she thought of everything she would be missing out. Her life would be so empty without children. No scent of baby powder, baby oil, and baby lotion. No soft pinks and blues and bows and ribbons. No tiny little hands to squeeze in her own. It was too much to bear.
She thought of baby Emma, her first niece. What would happen with her relationship with Rachel now? Rachel had so easily acquired what she had never set out to get in the first place, and Monica, the born mother, had so many obstacles in her path to get there.
What about Chandler? Her tears intensified as she thought of her soulmate. Oh, how she loved him. He was taking the news with a little more aplomb – he was a man, after all – but she could see he was equally shaken. What would become of their marriage now? Did he view her as a failure for being unable to carry his baby? Would their life become one boring stretch of never-ending days with nothing to break the monotony? Her future was very shaky at the moment.
The hour grew later as Monica sat on the couch, rationalizing, pondering, brooding, and worrying. Her thoughts tumbled over each other, and her head began pounding. With a sigh, she lifted the remote from the couch and pointed it towards the television. She would watch some late night movie which would hopefully lull her to sleep.
A scant minute passed when the door to her bedroom slowly opened, and a haggard, disheveled Chandler appeared.
"Oh, sorry, honey, didn't mean to awaken you," Monica said croakily.
"You didn't." he replied, his voice hoarse. "I couldn't sleep either."
"Well, you sure know how to fake it," Monica said with a small smile.
Chandler smiled back. He slowly walked over to her and sat down next to her, his arm around her. They sat together in silence for a few minutes.
"Are you feeling any better?" he asked softly, breaking the silence.
"No," she wailed, a fresh wave of tears making its way down her face. "Not at all!" She buried her face in his shoulder. "I can't stop thinking of what a failure I am. My lifelong dream has been shattered."
Chandler was quiet for a minute. "Monica, can I ask you something?" he asked, breaking the silence.
She lifted her tear-stained face and looked at him. "What?"
"If... if... if you had known all those years ago that you could not have a baby with me, would you have... have... married Richard?"
Monica stared at Chandler, stunned. She shook her head, not sure she'd heard right. "What?" she said again.
"Well, I mean, you broke up with Richard because he didn't want to have children. But if you'd known back then that you could not bear your biological child anyway, would you have married him?"
"Um... NO!" she said emphatically. "Richard wasn't opposed to me BEARING a child – he didn't want to RAISE one. He would never want to adopt, either. I wouldn't have married him, had I known – no. You can be assured of that."
Chandler released an audible sigh of relief and relaxed visibly. "Thanks so much for that," he said.
Monica stared at him. "Chandler... I can't believe – did you really think that?"
"Well," he said, looking down and picking at his robe, "I am feeling kind of inadequate too, you know? You're not the only one with fertility problems here, and I feel really, really bad that I'm contributing towards this."
Monica looked shocked. She couldn't believe that in her absorption in her own grief, she hadn't really given a thought to what was going through Chandler's mind.
"Oh, honey," she said, hugging him tightly. "Not for a minute should you feel guilty! No way! We're both in this together. I was meant to marry you along with all your baggage and your problems. I promised to love you no matter what, through the good and the bad. No – it's not your problem or my problem. It is OUR problem. And we will get through this together. Please don't feel bad."
Chandler pushed her away from him and smiled broadly at her. "Really? I've been feeling so awful about this all night, wondering what's going through your mind... Wondering if you regret having married me... Wondering if... if you'll leave me now... This hasn't been easy on me, either."
"No way, sweetheart, don't even think that way!" Monica was concerned. "I guess this is a great lesson that openness is the key to a working marriage. You should have told me that right away."
"Yeah, when your cries could have woken the dead? Timing is everything, my friend." Chandler grinned.
Monica laughed. "Wow, I have my old funny friend back," she said with feeling. "I definitely need your sense of humor to see us through this tough time."
"Look, it's not over yet. We haven't gone back to Dr. Connelly for a consultation or further testing. I'm sure there are other options out there. And we could always adopt or take in foster kids who need loving families. There are many ways to build a family other than the good old tried-and-true biological way. We'll find a way out of this."
"Oh, Chandler, you have really assured me... Thank you; thank you so much." She hugged him again. Chandler patted the top of her head.
Monica pulled away from him and sat down cozily next to him. "You know, Chandler, how I told you that we should be open in our marriage? I want to discuss something else with you."
"Sure, honey, what is it?" he turned sideways to face her.
"I don't know... I feel... that all of the enjoyment has gone out of lovemaking. Somehow, always having to time it around ovulation, having to be 'all there' on schedule, not on spontaneity, has just taken all the joy out of it. And now, to learn that it won't even result in a baby... the whole luster is just gone."
"Quite the opposite!" Chandler exclaimed. "Now that we know that sex is NOT going to result in a baby, we can go back to those days when we were dating and going crazy... the timing and schedules are in the past; we don't have to check the calendar every minute if you're ovulating or not... we can just be two idiots in love again!" He gave her a beaming smile. "And you have to remember that marital relations is not only about procreation. It's also the ultimate expression of love between a couple. And I don't know about you, but I'm still madly in love with you!"
Monica jumped up from the couch. "Baby, I'm still madly in love with you, too!" She cried. Leaping into his arms, she let him carry her back to the bedroom.