Disclaimer: Don't own WR or anything of that kind. Wish I did.
A/N: This was a spur of the moment fic, from a really late night when all I could think about was Reddie and inspired, quite obviously, by reading 1984 for my English Lit A Level. AU: Set after Episode 11, Kim doesn't have a baby, she and Rachel get along really well because Kim's naturally bubbly and Rachel needs someone like that and because Kim isn't worrying about Grace all the time, she's had time to get to know a little bit of Rachel. On the other hand Kim and Eddie are still bickering and so are Rachel and Eddie. It's their way of dealing with what happened. I hope you enjoy this, I quite liked writing it so I hope it was worth the effort. Please do leave comments, they make everything worthwhile!
Summary: Doublethink: The power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them. Who do we know that's been practising this recently? Reddie.
Doublethink
"You wanted to see me?" Eddie Lawson's voice interjected upon Rachel's train of thought and she looked up from her laptop, the second it took to raise her eyes all the time she needed to refocus from her previous task to the one now waiting in front of her. It had been a week since half term, two weeks since Melissa's departure and still, she and Eddie were no nearer to a conclusion than they had been when he'd run after her and called her name. The indecision, the uncertainness, wasn't doing anyone any good. So, despite many misgivings that a head-on approach was the right one, that was what Rachel had chosen. After a fashion.
"Yes, Eddie, can you close the door?" Rachel requested, sending him a brief smile before saving what she'd been working on and closing her computer. He did as she asked and closed the door, then took up the oh-so-familiar stance in front of her desk: shoulders slightly slouched, hands in pockets, head lowered to look at her. Rachel stretched her forearms out on the desk in front of her and inter-locked her fingers, the action steadying her for what she knew would be a difficult conversation. And from the slightly irritated look that was developing on his face, for no apparent reason, she knew it wasn't going to get any easier. Then, as she raised her eyes, she suddenly wished she were standing as well. She hated him looking down on her like that. "Eddie, sit down, you're making the place look untidy." She tried to joke, but he didn't smile. Why did this have a very bitter sense of déjà vu?
"I'll sit on the sofas with you, but I'm not sitting in that chair like some unruly pupil." He nodded at the chair in front of her desk, his expression practically repulsed. Rachel sighed; they'd had far too many silly arguments like this, this week. One would say one thing, completely innocently, then the other would say something else, reacting far too much and too badly, and they'd end up not speaking to each other for a few hours, until it was absolutely necessary. It had to stop.
"Alright, fine." Rachel gave in, holding up her hands and pushing herself back from the desk so she could stand and walk over to take a seat on the soft chairs next to where he had sat already. He slumped forward, elbows on his thighs, not looking at her. She sat back, elegantly crossing her legs and studying him, torn between compassion and irritation.
"So what did you want to talk to me about?" He finally asked after a few seconds of heavy silence. Rachel placed her hands on her knee, the one not covered by her crossed leg, and waited a second for the words to form in her throat, knowing she had to do this right.
"Your problem with Kim. I don't know what it is, I hope I don't need to, but you need to sort it. You're both going to be working together a lot over the next few months and I am not going to play referee the entire time." It was ironic, she realised now; the same problem she and Eddie seemed to be experiencing, he and Kim were also having, and although Rachel was pretty sure the reasons were related, she didn't think they were the same. She hoped, by confronting the problem with Kim, it may help them as well.
"It's not – I don't have a problem with Kim." Rachel felt the sceptical eyebrow rise before she could stop it, and it drew a rise out of him she'd been trying to avoid. "I mean, it's not just her, is it? Look at us. We're bickering just as much, over the stupidest things." His voice sounded tired, and she realised he was, as weary of this fighting as she was.
"But the question is why." She prompted, finding his eyes as he reluctantly looked around at her voice.
"I'm just… angry a lot at the moment. And you're not helping."
"Me? Why me?" She couldn't stop herself reacting defensively, though she knew it wouldn't help.
"Why? God, Rachel, every time I see you - " His hands balled into frustrated fists and words seemed to fail him, so he ducked his head to rest on his chest, apparently thinking of his next move. His voice, when it emerged again, was low, carefully controlled, and she was grateful for that. "No one can make me angry quite like you can, Rachel. I see you every day, and you're fine, happy, coping, like what happened last term hasn't affected you at all!" The words pierced Rachel, right through her wonderfully perfected armour of ignorance, and she reacted before she could prevent herself.
"Of course it has! Melissa is my sister, Eddie, she hurt me as well! I know not like she hurt you, but I know it happened, I just… I can't let it affect this place. I can't let it affect my job. It's not fair on the school." Too late, she realised that her words sounded like a reprimand and his dark gaze met hers abruptly, sharply even.
"Well, I'm sorry I can't compartmentalise as well as you can." He snapped, shoving himself up and yanking the door open, his words again biting at the woman he'd spoken to as he stormed out of the office. Sighing, Rachel slid forward and covered her eyes with a hand, weariness enveloping her for a second. She wished that had gone better. Then, gathering herself as best she could, she dropped her arms and stood as well, going back around her desk to where she felt safe, in control.
She was just about to open her Word document back up when she heard a light knock against her doorframe and looked up to see Kim stood, smiling, waiting for permission to enter, which she gave with a smile and a nod of her own. She'd found she got along better with Kim in a week than she did with many people in a month and was grateful to whatever force had drawn her home, because Rachel almost needed someone else around her like Kim at the moment. The other teacher came in and again, closed the door, though there was none of the tense atmosphere there had been when Eddie was in the room.
"I know that look." Kim said, confidently, as she took the seat in front of Rachel's desk.
"What look?" Rachel returned, glad for the distraction from her own musings.
"That look." Kim nodded across at her and Rachel frowned light-heartedly.
"What 'look'?" Rachel almost laughed.
"I might have only been here a week but I know what that look means!" Kim continued to tease her and she finally gave into a small laugh, welcoming the easiness she so desperately needed.
"What look?" Rachel asked again.
"You've had another fight with Eddie, haven't you?" The second of pause before Rachel opened her mouth to deny it was enough to confirm it. "Yes, you have." Kim concluded, slightly smug. "Like I said, you get this-"
"Look! Yes, I got that. And it wasn't a fight. More me trying to talk and him…"
"Not listening. Yes, I know the feeling." Both women laughed, and Rachel thanked whoever was listening that they were comfortable enough with each other to do so.
"And I don't get a look," Rachel returned, a little pointedly, "You just saw Eddie probably storming off down the corridor before you came in, am I right?" She smiled, knowing it was true and Kim had the grace to look a little guilty, shooting her eyes away from the Headmistress and grinning impishly.
"Ok, yes I did see him. No one can make him fling doors around quite like you can," Kim joked but the familiar words made Rachel freeze, suddenly slightly uncomfortable, "but I still maintain my point. You do get a look. It's like you're angry, worried and hurt but trying not to be all at the same time." That little description effectively brought an end to the jokes and Rachel shifted, keeping her eyes guarded. Sometimes she really wished Kim wasn't so perceptive.
"Well, things with Eddie are… complicated. After last term-" Rachel caught herself before she ran away with the story and flicked her gaze to Kim's, who was completely serious now. "Do you know…" Rachel began to ask, not about to elaborate if she didn't. The fewer people knew the whole truth, the better for everyone and she had no idea how much had leaked to the staff of what actually happened that last day.
"Steph filled me in." The words were enough to fill Rachel with foreboding. If anyone would know every detail of the conversation both she and Eddie had tried so hard to keep under wraps, it would be Steph Haydock. "I asked if she knew why Eddie was so…"
"Grumpy?" Rachel finished, half-joking. Kim smiled and nodded.
"Yeah, and I got the whole story, well, what Steph knows of it anyway. I get the feeling we're all missing a few details." Rachel abruptly recovered her ability to breathe normally as Kim finished and Rachel knew she had to settle for being as vague as possible, despite the temptation to finally tell someone what Melissa's revelation had done to her, and to Eddie.
"Probably." Rachel equivocated.
"You're not going to tell me?" Kim queried, seemingly a little disappointed, and Rachel had to remind herself that while she and Kim were good friends so far, they didn't really know each other. Anyone who'd known her for as long as… well, as long as Eddie, would know she wouldn't say anything.
"It's not my place." Rachel told her quietly, looking down at her desk and tapping her thumbs together.
"Well, I know that Eddie was going to marry your sister, and now she's disappeared. Steph's convinced he realised at the last minute he was actually in love with you." Kim's tone was light but there was definitely a piercing gleam to her eyes as they bored into Rachel's, and the Headmistress found herself torn again, this time between guilt and discomfort.
"That's not what happened." Rachel spoke quickly, a little too quickly. Kim raised an eyebrow in reply. "It was Melissa's choice to leave, she made the mistake. Although," Rachel halted herself, trying to toe the very fine line between being honest and not revealing too much. "He did choose, in a way…" She was struggling to find her words, not entirely sure herself what had happened and what was still happening because of the last day of term.
"He chose you." Kim finished softly, correctly interpreting her colleague's body language and Rachel almost flinched, her eyes jumping guiltily from Kim to around the room. It wasn't an answer but to Kim, it was. "So why are you still arguing?" Kim asked, leaning forward, and Rachel was a little touched to note an edge of concern in her colleague's voice.
"Because we haven't talked about it since. Once I knew what he'd chosen, I couldn't – I drove off. Didn't see him over the holiday, except briefly to pick up Philip a couple of times, as well as the rest of his things. And I didn't stay any longer than I needed to." Rachel was caught between the impulse to defend herself, that she hadn't betrayed her sister, and the inclination that she was incriminating herself, by admitted there was a problem that she hadn't dealt with. "He's angry with me because I won't talk about it. I can't." Admitting it was supposed to make her feel better, but all it succeeded in doing was making her feel a little bit more wretched.
"But, how things turned out, Eddie choosing you, it's not going to just go away Rachel. You'll have to face it sooner or later." Kim was calm, trying to understand and Rachel appreciated the effort but even Eddie found that task hard a lot of the time.
"I was hoping later." Rachel replied stubbornly, adjusting her sleeves and avoiding the stern look she knew the other woman was shooting at her. Rachel Mason was not a coward, far from it, but dealing with a man who had admitted his feelings for her was not an area she felt comfortable handling under any circumstances.
"Well, I'm asking you as a favour for you to please make it sooner. He's driving people crazy, it's not just me, and you're the only one who can do anything about it. Believe me, the others have tried."
"But Kim, if I do talk to him, it'll only make it worse." Rachel couldn't contain the words that had been torturing her for a week, the fact that she was suspended between two equally unappealing courses of action. One, let the current state of affairs continue, and eventually have the whole staff barrel in here to complain about Eddie's behaviour. Two, talk to Eddie and possibly destroy whatever relationship they had yet managed to hold onto. In the back of her mind, Rachel couldn't believe she was even saying the words out-loud, she'd been determined to deal with this on her own.
"Why would it? You like him," Rach opened her mouth, knowing she could not allow that truth air without denying it, but Kim interrupted her before she could speak, "don't bother, I know it's true, you don't have to confirm or deny it. He obviously is nuts about you. What's the problem?" Rachel almost smiled as she likened Kim's voice to that of a mother with an unruly toddler; was she really that transparent? Were her feelings as clearly written on her expressions as Eddie's so often were?
"It's not that simple." Rachel sighed, sitting back in her chair and once again running over all the possible outcomes, knowing nothing had changed, there was no way this could work.
"No, you're not that simple." Kim corrected her. "You think if you complicate this enough, he'll run away and stop making you feel all these things that keep confusing you."
"I am complicated." Rachel stated, the one thing she was sure of.
"Yes. But you and Eddie aren't. You need to stop thinking it's not possible and start trying to see why it would be a great thing for both of you. There are a lot more reasons than you think." Rachel shook her head, and Kim sighed. "Anyway, he's not going anywhere. Even in the midst of all this mess between you two at the moment, you can see it's hurting him just as much as it is you. He hates not spending the time with you he usually does. He's not going to give up on you that easily, Rachel."
"He will if someone else simpler comes along. Someone like Mel, who'll just welcome him with open arms." She knew there was an element of dryness to her voice just then, but she couldn't remove it. She'd spent too long doing something similar last term.
"Oh no, he's way past that now. He's not getting distracted again. He knows what he wants now, and he's not going to stop sulking until he gets it."
"I hope you're wrong."
"I know I'm right." Kim told the Head smugly, getting up and putting her hands on her hips, evidently almost ready to leave. "Rachel, you might want to give this a thought. If you don't talk to him soon, he's going to make you. Wouldn't you rather it be on your turf and your terms?" With that final shot, Kim smiled and left, leaving Rachel sitting at her desk, feeling as though her mind had been on a 'Cups and Saucers' fairground ride. Now she knew why she hated rollercoasters.
She ignored the outside world until lunch, knowing it was the only way she'd get her work done, keeping her office door closed and thankfully, no one came to see her. Then, when lunch finally arrived, and she registered the rise in noise across her school as all the kids flooded the halls and grounds, she was finally disturbed.
"I'm nipping down to the canteen for a sandwich, do you want anything?" It was Joyce, poking her head around the door and no doubt a little worried about the quiet that had ruled over her office all morning since Kim had left. Normally, Rachel would go out at break to walk the corridors, check in with the staff, talk to the pupils, just to escape her office for twenty minutes, but she hadn't left. And Eddie had not made his usual visit third period, as he always did on a Wednesday when he was free. Joyce was a sharp woman, she had noticed something was off, Rachel could tell by the crinkle in her forehead and the concern in her eyes.
Smiling, Rachel shook her head at the question and Joyce left it at that, retreating from the office and the Headmistress listened for the outer door closing before leaning back in her chair. She wished people wouldn't worry about her; it made her feel so guilty. Looking around, her eyes were drawn to the window and she caught glimpses of her students now swamping the part of the grounds she could see, food in their hands and chatter spewing from their mouths.
Suddenly, Rachel was gripped by the impulse to join them, to get out of her office for just a little while. Get some fresh air. Yes, she decided, she would risk leaving the safety of her office and go for a quick walk outside, just to clear her head a little, then come back able to concentrate again. She knew the impulse would not leave her until she obeyed it, so she stood, grabbed her jacket from the back of her chair and slipped it on, striding out of her office determinedly.
Slipping easily into the swarm of moving students in the corridor, she let the flow of people guide her down the stairs and out of Waterloo Road's main entrance. As she paused at the top of the steps, she took a moment to look around. There were her pupils, the ones she would give everything for, had given on some occasions, spaced sporadically across the grass and concrete that made up the school grounds. She took comfort in their playfulness, their noise, their tangible presence.
Then a whiff of cold caught the edge of one side of her jacket and pulled it back, exposing her thin shirt and cold skin beneath to the chilly breeze and she tugged the material back in place before folding her arms around her – a defensive barrier against the cold. Picking herself out of her thoughts, she descended the steps and followed a non-existent path around her school, eyes flicking around her, seemingly seeing everything and nothing. She was determined not to let her mind anywhere near the issue that had been plaguing her subconscious thoughts since this morning.
Reaching a secluded wall that protected her from the wind and from prying eyes, she halted herself and took shelter against it, leaning slightly on the hard surface and taking a few deep breaths. There was much life out here, it almost overwhelmed her. The students, the trees, the shivering in her own limbs, it all reminded her of what it felt like to be alive. And she knew, although she tried to push it away, part of her wanted to feel that again.
Suddenly, she heard the crunch of approaching footsteps and had to pull herself straight, throwing away the reveries she'd been absorbed in, saving the thoughts for another private moment. A second later, the person encroaching on her personal time and space rounded the corner, head swinging this way and that, obviously looking for someone. And when she saw who it was searching, she had to acknowledge the person they were most likely looking for was her.
"Eddie." She greeted him and his focus immediately sharpened to her, his expression glad and worried at the same time. Clearly, he'd recovered from his flare of temper earlier. She wished she'd been able to shrug off the moment that easily. As he turned and approached, Rachel realised he was holding a tuna sandwich, which she recognised from the label, and an apple in his hands and she wondered why he'd come for a walk with his lunch. Then she remembered he didn't like tuna. Odd.
"Thought I'd find you here." He smiled nervously, standing next to her, looking her in the eye, searching for something but she didn't understand what. She frowned, wondering why he was looking for her. "These are for you." He handed her the food, although her expression betrayed her lack of gratitude at the gesture.
"You've been talking to Joyce." She commented quietly, looking at the food briefly before flicking her eyes at him. She was thankful when he didn't try to deny it.
"You're not eating, Rachel." He told her unnecessarily; she knew her eating habits of late had been limited and unpredictable at best. But it wasn't any one else's business but hers, and it wasn't as though what she was or wasn't eating had affected her ability to do her job.
"I'm fine Eddie." Rachel said quietly, but very determinedly, holding the sandwich and fruit in her hands but not actually doing anything with them.
"I would have believed you, if I didn't know you quite so well." He half-smiled. She rolled her eyes, having a small flashback to the first day of term. She had told him the same thing then, when quite clearly it had not been true. Was that why he was confidant enough to challenge her now?
"Anything else you wanted? Or was it just the delivery?" Rachel nearly snapped at him. Her biggest irritation was when people worried about her. Her second biggest was when people started interfering in a situation she had under control. It wasn't as though she was putting herself in danger, she wouldn't ever do that while she was still looking after Philip. She knew she needed to be there for him and that required her healthy. She was so busy being annoyed that she didn't notice the stubborn light enter his eyes and flood his expression until it was too late.
"I think it's time I found out what you're thinking and feeling. About what happened last term."
Although she tried not to react, her eyes flew up to his, wonder and fear mixing within her. "You know how I feel. What about you?" Oh, has he been talking to Kim as well? She wondered sardonically, even as she felt worry surface within her.
"Eddie, this is not the time-" Her whole body had tensed at his words, recognised Kim had been right and Rachel almost wished she'd listened earlier and tackled him before he had the chance to do the same to her.
"Rachel, we have to talk about this because the way you're acting at the moment is making me think none of it meant anything."
"Of course it meant something! Melissa is my sister, Eddie, and she lied to me, lied about everything!" Too late, she realised he'd been partially baiting her, but she'd spoken now.
"That's not what I meant. And you know that."
"I – I don't know what you mean." The way her gaze skittered away from him, to the sandwich, to the wall, anywhere, suggested otherwise.
"Yes you do. My choice, Rachel, I chose you. We're going to have to face it sometime." As he spoke, Rachel folded her lips together, licking them a little as she tried to figure out a way to get away from him.
"Just not right now."
"Yes, now." He affirmed, stepping slightly closer, the iron will she knew was almost equal to hers rising. "My god, Rach, don't you understand how frustrating this is?"
"Don't you? Eddie, you left my sister for another woman, by rights I should hate you." She regretted the words as soon as she said them, knowing they were unjustified, and he had flinched upon hearing them, but she continued anyway, a little more softly. "The fact that the other woman was me means I feel guilty as well and I don't want that! I don't want to feel guilty for this because, for once, I did nothing to cause it."
"You have nothing to feel guilty for."
"Really? Because I do." She really did snap at him now, angry with herself for admitting it.
"Well, you shouldn't." She wished it was that simple. "Out of all the people in this mess, it was Mel and me that screwed up, not you."
"I just – I don't know, Eddie. Don't know what to think or feel."
"You're confusing the two. Thinking, fine, you might be a bit confused, conflicted even, but you can't control how you really feel." That sounded like a challenge, one she had once known she was equal to. Now she wasn't so sure.
"Try me." She shot back, folding her arms and flashing a fiery look up at Eddie.
"Well, I know you weren't happy about me and Mel. You pretended you were, and I let you, but you weren't." Rachel suddenly dropped her eyes, hoping he was guessing as she tried not to let her body language scream 'awkward'.
"I was happy for you." She protested, albeit weakly.
"No, you tried to think you were. I'm not sure you even believed it, though you certainly could be convincing to everyone else."
"Of course I believed it! You're my friend, Melissa's my sister, of course I was glad you were happy." Those words, so bitter on her tongue, felt like a mantra she'd said so many times, especially to herself, over the last few weeks.
"Why do you keep lying to me? Or worse, are you lying to yourself?" That brought Rachel up short, and for the first time in weeks, she turned her thoughts inward, forcing herself to acknowledge what she was feeling. Was Eddie right?
The choked up feeling she'd experienced when her Deputy proposed flickered through her. She'd dismissed it at the time, concentrating on being happy for her sister. Now she knew it was despair that had clawed at her throat and longing that made it hard to swallow. Yes, she'd known in the back of her mind that she'd been envious of the easy relationship the two people closest to her had developed but had she really been jealous? As in, possessive, needing, wanting Eddie back, sort of jealous? Yes, she had. And suddenly, she was angry.
"You knew I wasn't happy with what was happening?" Rachel asked, gathering herself and turning to look up at Eddie. There was a sharp edge to her voice, but her Deputy obviously missed it as he nodded, trying to step towards her, hope flaring in his eyes. But Rachel wasn't about to let him that close. "You knew I was-"
"Jealous? I figured it out."
"So why did you let it carry on? Why propose? Why let it get so difficult?" Her tone definitely qualified as hostile now, but she didn't care.
"What?" He was confused, but not for long.
"You knew as I was sat there for weeks, Eddie, weeks, watching you two together and it never once occurred to you to stop?"
"I asked you if you were ok with-"
"And what was I supposed to say, huh? I'd rather you break my sister's heart and waste your time with me instead? You might think I'm heartless and cold sometimes Eddie, but I'm not. No where near it!" She was getting a little louder now, hoping to provoke a confrontation, not wanting the emotion that would come with honest confession.
"I know you're not. And it wouldn't be a waste of time. I would have been with you, how is that a waste of time?"
"We'd never work." Bitter, incredibly bitter, she knew it sounded that way, and for the first time she recognised that the words were. That she wished it wasn't true.
"How'd you figure that out?"
"Because we're opposites, Eddie, and while that works well as a team in school, it would never work for a relationship." She stated matter-of-factly, not letting any of the wistfulness she felt to show in her eyes, where he could read it.
"Ever heard the saying 'opposites attract'?" He offered, his hopefulness just a little desperate.
"Yes, it's a useless phrase invented by two very different people for them to justify being together." She answered firmly.
"Rachel-" He tried,
"No, Eddie. You know I'm right." Stupid mistake; hadn't she already seen how far his stubbornness could push him?
"No. I know you're very wrong. Don't you understand yet, Rachel?"
"Understand what?"
"I love you." The words tumbled from his mouth and he seemed as shocked to have said them as she was to hear them.
"W- what?" She didn't stutter, she never stuttered, and yet, undeniably, his words had made her words catch in her throat.
"I love you." He repeated, apparently deciding to take comfort from the words, in being able to say them out loud.
"No, you can't-"
"I can. I can't help it, Rachel. And I wish this whole situation was different, then I might have been able to say it and you actually believe me. It should have been so different." His eyes sunk with loss of hope, and she found herself drawn close, trying to understand. Her reactions now were completely instinctual, her mind was still going over and over his confession, trying to find a loophole so she could dismiss it.
"What do you mean?" Rachel was surprised to have found her voice just then, still completely overcome by shock and maybe a tiny flare of fear.
"Well, if I'd had my way, it would have been summer. An evening in my back garden, just finished dinner and it would have been just getting cold enough, so you curl up beside me and not get too warm. I'd have waited until the sky was that incredible pink you love so much, then I'd have coaxed your head onto my shoulder, kissed your hair, then guided you up and put us face-to-face. Then I'd have told you."
"Told me what?" Rachel whispered, completely enraptured by the picture he was painting and totally terrified at the same time. He shifted forward slightly and took hold of both her hands, gliding his thumb over the backs before looking up and deep into her eyes.
"That I love you more than anyone else on this earth and I have done virtually since I met you. There will never be another like you, Rachel. I'm not asking for promises, or a complete break down of those barriers you build, I'm just asking you to trust me enough to believe me." Never in her life had Rachel ever experienced anything like this. She knew Eddie was sincere, his eyes, his tone, his entire being assured her of that, she knew he truly felt that way. And at last, she knew what she wanted her answer to be.
She gently disentangled one of her hands from him and reached up, sliding it gently over his cheek to apply a little pressure to the back of his head, bringing him down to her waiting lips. It was more than an answer. They both knew it, could feel the unspoken bond flashing and shining between them as their mouths danced. It was the promise he hadn't asked for, but now knew she could give.