Chapter One: A Peaceful Resolution

Bill was a guard on Korhal. Bill liked his job. He'd joined the Dominion Military because he wanted to help defend humanity. Bill had distinguished himself in battle. He became part of the Emperor's personal guard. Bill admired the Emperor, who he thought was a humble and admirable man trying to make the best of a bad situation. Bill got murdered by Sarah Kerrigan alongside all his friends. This was during her most recent powered temper tantrum. One in which she was planning to avenge a man who wasn't dead.

Not that anyone cared what happened to him. Or the thousands Kerrigan murdered. Instead of, say, staged a low casualty assassination attempt. Because she had boobs, you see. And that made her completely redeemable as long as she ditched her personality along the way.

Either way, a few moments later she busted in the doors to Arcturus's office. He hadn't bothered to lock it but she blew up the doors anyway. She strutted in, psionic power crackling around her clawed fingertips.

"Hello Kerrigan," said Arcturus as he looked up from the casualty reports.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to escape," she said. Arcturus sighed, before raising his hands. He opened up with a barrage of force lightning that sent her against the wall by its sheer power.

"Pitiful fool!" Arcturus said, pulling on a black robe. "Your feeble genetic engineering is no match for the power of the dark side of the force!" He sent forth another barrage, which she deflected.

"What the fuck!" said Kerrigan, as she stood up, batting away his barrage. "How the hell do you have psychic powers!"

"I don't know," said Arcturus. "How the hell did you go from a sub-par hero unit that Zeratul can three shot to the ultimate psionic power?"

Kerrigan thought about it for a moment. "Gameplay and Story Segregation I suppose?" Was the answer she settled on.

"You know, I might have bought that before that attack on Narud's stronghold," said Arcturus despairing. "Forget Warcraft in space, Lady. You've officially ripped off Dragonball Z at this stage. Artanis is probably too busy weeping to get involved in this conflict."

"Yeah," she said, shifting nervously "That may have been over the top. In my defense, Narud shot first."

"I don't care who shot first." said Arcturus "You had a beam war in a nitty-gritty sci-fi universe. That is NOT an acceptable climax to a long-running plotline, no matter what excuses you make! I don't think we even found out what Amon's motivations were."

"Well, what would you have done?" asked Kerrigan.

"Irrelevant," said Arcturus before opening up with another bout of force lightning.

Then Raynor was there, and-

"Hang on a sec," said Raynor, stopping very abruptly. "Kerrigan is a mutated killing machine who can wipe out armies, why does she need my help? Isn't she supposed to need some kind of ultimate power."

"Jokes on you." said Arcturus. "I have a copy of Chris Metzen's story plans." He tossed Raynor it and he looked through it.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" yelled Raynor. "You've gotta be kidding me. You're telling me that Metzen regards the entirety of the Starcraft story to be a romance. One between me and Kerrigan."

"Yep," said Arcturus in annoyance. "And now you have my motive for helping the Dark Voice destroy the universe. I don't think the fan base is going to be able to take another nauseatingly bad romance subplot." He shuddered. "Ariel Hanson was the person who wrote in Aggra's character. Why do you think I abandoned her to the Swarm?"

"And I no longer have any regrets about machine-gunning her," said Raynor in completely. "Also, I'd say this puts you in anti-villain territory."

"Wait a minute!" said Kerrigan as she stood up. "This is all beside the point! I need to avenge your death!" There was a very long silence. "Oh, right. You're alive. Well still, Arcturus has slaughtered millions of innocent people!"

"So have you," said Arcturus flatly.

"Well, you abandoned me to the Zerg!"

"You murdered my entire family." shot back Arcturus. "Thank you for that."

"Also what the hell are you complaining about Kerrigan." said Raynor "You LOVE being Zerg. Half your dialogue revolves around the fact."

"Ah." said Kerrigan "Well you often pull you-have-outlived-your-usefulness on people!"

"The Dark Templar called," said Arcturus. "They want their story focus back."

"Wel,l you have a mustache." Kerrigan grasped at straws.

There was a very long pause. "Yes…?" asked Arcturus.

"…Shit." she said. "I don't think I've actually got a motive for any of this."

"Then could you please stop burning Korhal down?" pleaded Arcturus "This is the second time you've done this in the last seven years."

"Fine," Kerrigan said as if it was unreasonable. "But now we don't have a climax. I mean, I already wiped out the Hybrids before they could become a player race."

"Well, we could go after Amon." suggested Raynor "I mean he's supposed to be the main villain of this series and he's barely even shown up."

And the wall exploded inward, and a single, super-powered Zealot landed. "Behold! I Fenix have returned from death a third time! Because he knows better than to make me angry! And the next time I fall in battle, I shall receive a free dessert!"

Raynor glanced over to him. "Fenix, where the hell have you been, man? We're almost done with the second expansion, and nobody even knows your alive."

"My apologies Raynor," said Fenix moving forward. "I had to take a slight detour from my route. I had to kill a particularly persistent Eldritch Abomination named Amon."

"Wait, you killed Amon?" asked Kerrigan, raising an eyebrow. "How?"

"I punched him in the face," said Fenix with a shrug. "Second time doing it too. Who do you think killed him the first time he tried to pull this Hybrid nonsense? He's the Xel'naga equivalent of Team Rocket. One dimensional and a complete joke."

"Damn it man!" said Raynor. "That was the only plot thread we had left to follow. What are we going to do now?!"

"Well we could stop killing each other," suggested Fenix. "That seems a rational concept, don't you think?"

There was a very long pause, and then Arcturus cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Uh, I know this really good shawarma place in one of the civilian sectors. Anyone want to eat out?"

"Eh, sure why not," said Raynor, putting away his gun.

"It's been a while since I had any real food," said Kerrigan thoughtfully. "But your paying."

"Fine, fine," said Arcturus, while taking out his wallet.

And thus the wars for the Koprolu sector ended. With the eating of shawarma.

Author's Note:

Well, this is my first Full Starcraft Story, and it's a silly one. I'd had a different plan for it originally, but it turned out this way as I wrote it.

Please review, I value your opinions.

Edit: Made a couple of alterations to make the chapter flow better.