The female titan smashed a soldier into a nearby tree with her fist. The sickening crunch resonated through the forest. Blood smeared the bark. I could hear the whirring of the 3D Maneuvering gear from his partners that were now left completely defenseless. Anger coursed through my veins. I will not leave them to die. I thrust my hand up to my mouth, thinking it over and over. I cannot leave them to die. Eld screamed for me to stop, Petra and Gunther joining his pleas.
"Eren, you promised! Leave this to us."
Frustrated tears burned my eyes. I will not leave them to die. Crashing sounds rang out behind us when she flung yet another limp body against the giant trees. I was going to kill her. With every last fiber of my being I knew, she would perish by my hands. I shouted in fury, tears beginning to trickle down my cheeks. "What do you want me to do? I can't watch them suffer while I just run away! Don't ask me to do that. I won't let the Titans win. Not this time."
Petra's eyes flashed over to me. They held nothing but sympathy. Somehow that almost made it worse.
"Eren, please don't. Have faith in us! Have faith in me!"
I glanced down at her hands. Those little indentations were still in her otherwise smooth skin. Bite marks. They all trust me. Could I really believe in them? The question swirled through my thoughts, dizzying my mind. Just then, Levi finally broke his long silence.
"You're not wrong you know."
His piercing voice was all I could hear in that moment.
"Heichou? I-"
"If you want to do it, do it."
I looked into his eyes, contemplating the meaning behind his words. Do it Eren. Black eyes, tinted with suppressed hate. He could feel it too, I knew he could. What was he thinking every time he watched his charges die? I was in the same position now. Could I be as strong as he was? DO IT EREN. Why did he always distance himself? Levi Heichou. The lone fighter. Humanity's strongest soldier. How does he even go on? Should I really drag him, drag them all through even more blood and carnage than necessary? Where does it all end? If I transformed, would it end this? Could I save them, or should I follow orders? DO IT EREN.I strained to think. My head pounded, and I was positive at this point everyone could hear my heart's booming thuds. DO IT EREN! Isn't this what you were waiting for? Isn't this what you need? Blood curdling cries punctuated my inner voice. If you don't do it now, you never will: DO IT! Yes that's right. What I need, what they need. What do they need? My trust.
I clenched my fist tightly until my knuckles were white. I wanted to believe in them.
"What will it be, Eren?"
"Make your choice!"
My comrades, my friends all called out to me. Do it Eren, make your choice! I whirled back to see the Female Titan crush the last one who'd remained alive whilst the others were destroyed. If I went back now, would it even mean anything? What would they have even died for?
Spinning around, I urged my horse on faster.
"I'll stay!" I choked out, forcing down my guilt.
They won't die in vain, I won't let the Titans be victorious. We burst through the forest at top speed, but the Female stayed close behind, quickly gaining on us.
We sat there in complete quiet. Stale air, strangling us in silence. Thick tension hung like a blanket over us. Levi looked down into his glass of water, swirling it absently.
"Just like how Petra always wanted it." He mumbled blankly.
"Stirred is most nutritious, Heichou! It brings minerals to the surface. The nonsense that girl would say sometimes."
It almost sounded like he was talking to me, but I somehow knew he wasn't. I was overwhelmingly aware of the emptiness of the room without her, and the rest of Squad Levi. Eld, Gunther, Oluo, Petra… those foolish tears again, welling up in my eyes. I faced the ceiling. Wherever you are guys, I'm sorry. I couldn't save you. As I turned back to him in my chair, Levi's stormy gaze startled me.
"S-Sir?"
He looked so serious, angry even. He held my eyes tightly, unflinchingly. For a moment, fear crept into the back of my mind. Then he snorted, and returned to his usual cold demeanor, and harsh indifference.
"Ah, Jaeger. Why are you looking like you're about to piss yourself? Straighten up. Be a soldier."
"Yes Sir!" My voice wavered a bit unintentionally. He didn't seem to notice.
"Don't let it break you." It was said so softly, I almost thought he hadn't spoken at all. Almost. He kept his indifference, but I could see something was different. The light filtering through the windows emphasized the dark circles under his eyes. He looked years older in that moment. It felt like I was trespassing on something to be there with him. Seeing things I shouldn't. He then broke the awful stiffness which I was grateful for.
"Erwin is taking an awful long time, isn't he? I hate that. He's always keeping me waiting."
He leaned back in his chair.
"I suppose he's constipated and having a rough day."
He sounded so dead serious that it brought embarrassed color to my cheeks. Why would he say something like that?
"Awfully talkative mood you're in today." I said, half to myself. I didn't expect him to answer.
"What do you mean? I've always been talkative. No one to talk to except you now, huh?"
"Heichou, I'm sorry. I failed them."
He considered me contemplatively.
"What is there to be sorry for? Everyone dies eventually. Besides, they knew what they were getting themselves into."
The heaviness in my heart was overbearing. I bit my lip, willing the tears not to fall. Please not in front of him. Why must my own body betray me? Unfortunately, Levi noticed. He raised an eyebrow at my red face.
"Wipe your tears brat, there's nothing in that."
"I-"No words came to me. My voice stuck in my throat.
He stood up suddenly and walked towards me. I jumped from my chair in haste and saluted sharply. His steps resounded throughout the room in audible thumps, echoing against the stone walls. I felt each footfall somewhere in the pit of my stomach, fidgeting with nervousness. He stood directly parallel to me, about five inches from my face.
"Do you pity them?"
The question land blasted me.
"Sir, I don't know what you mean."
"I think you do." He stared pointedly at me. I flinched back. Before I could say anything in response, he spoke again.
"Jaeger, don't waste sleep over those who are already gone. It won't help them, and it won't help you."
He paused.
"Just focus on keeping yourself alive." I nodded. He smirked.
"Do tell me if that piece of shit ever does arrive." He gestured rudely at the door, and left without another word. I watched his retreating form in the large shadows of the halls. Don't lose any sleep over those who are dead, and yet those circles under his eyes say differently.
Later on, Erwin did eventually arrive. When he did, he sent me to get Levi from the back rooms. I thought he might be in the entry hall, where the secondary throne room used to be in the castle, but when I checked it he was nowhere to be seen. My search had come down to two last possibilities: The dungeons, and Petra's old bedroom. I figured I'd check Petra's bedroom first since hers was closest. Also, I had a nagging hunch he would be in there remembering how he'd been muttering to himself earlier about how she liked her water stirred. Just thinking about her made me feel like sobbing, or slamming my fist into the walls, so I delegated instead to hasten my speed until I was full out sprinting down the lengthy corridors. That is why I collided with Levi after he emerged from Petra's room, smoothly shutting the door behind him with a click. When I turned the last corner, I saw Levi standing outside her door. His back was facing me and for whatever unknown reason, he hadn't heard me barreling down the passageways. That's when I knew I was in trouble. I was moving way too fast to simply stop. Even if I did, at this point I would skid into him anyways if I tried.
"Hei-"The warning was barely formulating on my tongue when he spun around on his heels in alarm. I dug my feet into the ground with all the strength I could summon, but fortune wasn't in my favor today. My flailing arms threw me off balance and sent me reeling straight on top of Levi, putting us both in a heap on the floor. His eyes narrowed at me in exasperation, but there was something else in the way he was glaring at me. Something unsettling. He spoke, and I cringed at his icy tone.
"Jaeger, just what do you think you're doing?"
I opened my mouth to reply, but then something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. A worn piece of cloth with jagged edges lay misshapen on the ground. It probably fell from Levi's pocket when I slammed into him. My eyes widened with recognition and I carefully picked it up. The Wings of Freedom were stitched brightly on the front.
"Heichou, where-"I flipped it over, but he snatched it from my open palm.
"Get off me little shit!" I flushed, remembering exactly where I was still kneeling: which was in between his legs.
"Oh! Sorry Sir, I-" My sentence cut off as he wrenched his leg from under my right hand, and kicked me square in the chest.
I fell backwards hard on my elbows, and winced at the stinging pain biting into my arms. As soon as he climbed to his feet and brushed himself off, he directed his rage at me.
"Stay out of my way!"
With that he strode of in the direction of the front, most likely having guessed why I had come in the first place. I simply stayed there on the ground, listening to his footsteps growing quieter and quieter. When I was sure he was gone, I buried my face in my arms, bringing my knees to my stomach.
"Goddammit Levi!"
I knew we weren't even remotely close. I don't think he allows himself to be close to anyone, but for a while there… I thought… Well I thought he'd begun warming up to me. I inwardly scolded myself.
How could you be so stupid Eren? Did you really think he would magically forgive you after you got his whole squad viciously wiped out? They didn't deserve their lot, but you certainly deserve yours!There's nothing left I can do then, I thought miserably. But no, that's not right. You ARE doing something remember. You will slay the Titans, just as they killed the team. You will kill them all. Every. Last. One. You'll do it for them Eren. For your mom, for Petra, for Gunther, Oluo, Eld, and now… My thoughts trailed off. I remembered how it had looked, the Wings of Freedom. It had belonged to Petra's uniform. I knew because she always wrote her name in flamboyant paints on the inside of all her outfits to keep the outside tidy. Mostly for Levi, but also simply to follow regulations. The very same curly cue hand writing had been on the inside of the torn off piece. And Levi… his expression when I picked it up. I'm doing this all for him now too.
By the time I collected myself to join them in the front, Erwin was already at the door.
"You have a responsibility to the Survey Corps too, Levi. Do keep that in mind."
With that, the Commander left. Levi was still at the door frame watching him go. I stood transfixed to my spot with confusion. They hadn't noticed me come in back then but… what had that been all about?
I cleared my throat to alert Levi of my presence. He didn't even so much as blink. I lightly came up behind him. Still nothing. I was weighing whether or not it was absolutely certain he would murder me if I were to gently shake him, when he came out of his supposed stupor.
"What is it, Jaeger?" He eyed me from his peripheral vision.
"Uh…" I hadn't really thought through what I was planning on saying to him yet. Clearing my throat, I attempted to organize my jumbled thoughts into something able to be put into words. He sighed impatiently, moving to face me.
"Well?! Spit it out! I haven't got all day boy."
"Sir, I just wanted to ask what-"He looked so peeved that I wasn't entirely sure it was a good idea to be pestering him at the moment. He glowered at me, and I quickly swallowed down my anxieties before he could make any more remarks.
"What was that all about just now?"
He looked taken aback by my bravery. Or perhaps he was just insulted by my stupidity. Either way, it took him a while to answer.
"What did you say?" He pronounced each word carefully, stressing every syllable.
He only ever did that when he was seething so you can understand why I fear started gnawing at my stomach. I didn't reply to him. That was my first mistake. It's not like he actually didn't hear me the first time anyways. I guess he didn't see it that way.
"Jaeger, do you actually want to be running laps until you die from exhaustion or are you really just this dimwitted?"
I didn't completely understand why he had gotten so upset in the first place. Usually he was so calm, and together albeit a bit cranky. Now, it was as if we had suddenly switched roles. I was morose, and he was irrational. I don't know why that was, and I definitely didn't like it. Even if everything else is uncertain, he's supposed to be the one I know will always remain the same, whether he likes me or not. I always had one person to rely on outside of Mikasa and Armin back home. Now, I didn't even have this one last security, so, with everything that's happened, you can understand why I asked what I did.
"Levi Heichou, is everything ok with you? Is there something wrong?"
That was my second mistake.
So now you can see why I am still currently doing laps this far past sundown.
All these laps around the castle at o' dark thirty do provide one good thing: time. Time to think and contemplate. Time to wrap my mind around Levi's newfound hatred of me. I would have laughed if I hadn't been so goddamn bone tired. It never was newfound Eren. You know that. Admit it. You knew he's despised you since the moment he laid eyes on you. And why wouldn't he? You're a monster. A Titan. The very monstrosity responsible for the death of his comrades. He's disgusted with you. You can see it in his eyes, cold black eyes void of any sympathy.
But all the time on my hands also lent me perception. Despite his loathing for me, I still must find a way to get through to him, and I think I know how. He may act like he's untouchable, but there's something about him… something he doesn't want to show, something I'm determined to see. He does care. I know it. It's this feeling I get. He's running away from it, just like I ran from those Titans. No more. No more running, not from me, not from him. You can't back down. I sigh, sweat drenching my entire body. I've been sprinting for hours. Clearly, he won't either
This is the entire first chapter now.