I do not own MASH. There, I said it. Now, can I please keep Radar? Please?
Dear Ma,
This is your son, Walter O'Reilly writing to you now from Korea. I am writing this slow on account of you not being able to read faster than a slow pace, so just let me know if I need to slow down any. This is my first time writing home from so far away, you know, only don't tell any of the guys here that because they all think I'm a kid anyway and I don't want them to tease me any more than they already do.
Well, Ma, here I am in Korea. I don't know yet if I am going to much like it here. It is hot and dirty and there aren't many animals around. Unless you count the soldiers, then there's lots. Kind of reminds me of our farm, a bit, only there ain't no corn around. Boy, what I wouldn't give for a nice fresh ear of corn, Ma. Everything here is surplus from WW2. Last week, there was even a can of beans from WW1; they tasted fine though. No one is telling me what the W W stands for, but I think it stands for World War on account of those being the initials of World War. Everything is initials here in the army. It gets downright confusing a lotta the time. And sometimes the same initials stand for different things. One of our surgeons, Captain Pierce - only don't call him that, he likes being called Hawkeye after some guy in some book his dad read - says that MD stands for Mentally Deficient, Missing Data, Massive Destruction, and occasionally Medical Doctor. (I'm not sure, Ma, but I think he may be funning with me.) Cap'n Pierce sure is weird! I never know where I stand with him. Besides short. He 'n' Cap'n MacIntyre are always making fun of my height. And my glasses. (I don't know what they'd say if they ever found out about my teddy bear, only don't say anything because he's a secret. By the way, thanks for sending him, Ma, I'm sleeping lots better now thanks to you.)
Oh, boy, I almost forgot! You know how I said I got assigned to a MASH unit (that stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital, it's all initials again, Ma, sorry about that) as an orderly? Well, it turns out I really don't do so hot with the blood and stuff but our CO - that's Commanding Officer - he said I could try being a clerk. His name's Colonel Henry Blake, and he's a swell guy, Ma, he really is. Kind of reminds me of Uncle Ed a little bit. I'm not so sure how good I'm doing so far, but Colonel Blake says I'm doing fine and not to worry about the mixup with ordering five hundred athletic supporters instead of two hundred pipettes. He says it happens all the time and I'll get the hang of it eventually and supply is always messing up anyway and maybe we can trade to some other unit for other stuff we need that they have and we don't and while I'm not sure entirely what I'm doing, Colonel Blake says I'll be great at it eventually, he can just tell. I sure hope so, Ma, because I really like this whole clerking thing. I've got my own office and everything! I like it so much, I've got a cot in the corner and I don't mind too much because I'm up late anyway and it helps when I don't got to commute too far because I'm just six feet away from my bed whenever I decide to go there. (I know because I just measured it an' the distance is just a little longer than I am tall.)
I also got a new nickname too which I never had before. Everyone what knows me and sometimes some what doesn't are now calling me Radar, you know like the thing what spots the planes and ships and stuff. You know how I was always the first one to know when the pigs broke out and got in the corn crib? Well, I got sort of the same ability here, kinda. I can hear the choppers - that's helicopters, Ma - before anyone else does and so everyone thinks I've got a radar in my head so that's why they calls me Radar, you see? I wasn't so sure about it at first, but Captain Pierce says that Walter is just too long to remember and besides, a nickname is a term of endearment that people uses to call people they like instead of their real name. I'm not so sure about that, because I remember we used to call Stinky Williams 'Stinky' and I don't even remember what his real name was anymore and I don't think many people liked him much on accouta the smell. But Radar ain't so bad, I guess. But now I'm kinda stuck with it, so I might as well get used to it.
Anyways, I have to go now because Major Burns is yelling and if you don't hop to it real quick he gets mad and makes weird faces and starts lecturing about military discipline and the stockade and stuff.
Sincerely,
Your loving Son,
Corporal Walter O'Reilly (also known as Radar)
PS. I miss you, Ma, and I hope you are doing well at home. I love you.
Reviews much appreciated. Thanks y'all!