Greetings. Please forgive any words that start with or contain a "b" and are missing the actual "b" for theres a sunflower seed lodged in my keyboard between the "b" and spacebar that I can't seem to retrieve without it shattering into seven hyperbajillion pieces. I've attempted to revise this and retype all the b's but alas...b's are tricky and not to be trusted. Nor are sunflower seeds coincidently.
Disclaimer: Yes I own bleach, and for just $3.00 and walmart savings, you can too.
Diligence cannot defeat perseverance. The predator loomed (unbeknownst) above its prey, sharp eyes desperately danced from every stretch of every possible corner to the other, searching for any movement signifying it had indeed found the defenseless creature it was hunting.
Now normally the predator as played in this drama, would never condone to desperation. He was a warrior, a hunter, a defender, a protector of his people, he was a worker on minimum wage for heaven sake. And as such…desperation normally wasn't his thing or at least a thing he cared to revisit outside of the battlefield where the ancient rule passed down by shinigami and man alike, anything goes comes into play. But the mighty seeker reassured his conscious that the source of his desperation involved time (or really the lack of it) and not a potentially hereditary disease his father's genetics had something to do with. This reassurance made him feel slightly better about his indomitable reputation that must be maintained at all costs.
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty."
All he needed was a sound, no matter the significance, any would do…he knew the little rat had run this way and hid in the living room.
But the noise that met him was not the one desired.
"Would you put the GO in Ichigo, the hollow is gonna eat half the town if you don't hurry up," a suspiciously perturbed female voice sang from the staircase causing the predator as played by Ichigo in this drama, to blanch for a fraction of a second.
"Gimme a minute!" He growled only the words a fraction of a second would allow. In fact Ichigo knew he'd cheated. Even as brutally quick as he'd said those 3 short words, it logically had to have taken a few full seconds to say.
"I don't see you helping catch him," Ichigo's scowl deepened, resuming the hunt, armed with a twisted form of dedication and threatening eyebrows.
Where are you, you little-
A tail.
Ichigo prepared for a completely justified merciless slaughter.
He swiped his hand towards the shadowed movement under the couch and snatched the…wait…
"What the hell…" Ichigo's fist was tightly choking not a small lion plushie, but a ball made of wadded up notebook paper, and a rather accurate drawing of Ichigo's face desecrated by devil horns and a Ming the Merciless mustache drawn on the most solid and non-crinkly side.
"FREEEEEEEEDDDDOOOOMMMM!!!" Short plush legs scooted across the wooden floor, making to retreat back up the stairs, and in all probability to the sanctuary of Ichigo's little sister's room.
Oh screw integrity, its not like anything goes is that bad of a rule. Golden or not.
With a vicious war cry, Ichigo threw himself over the couch, belly-flopping the wooden boards that comprised the floor behind it with a resounding theatrical thwack enabling him to slide at great speeds which brought him very quickly (as you can imagine) within reach of the animate stuffed animal charging for the staircase.
But even in his plushie state, the artificial mod soul could sprint faster then any human, and his teddy bear size was at a relative advantage in instances like these. So really… all Ichigo managed to do was pluck a few hairs from Kon's tail before his sliding came to an end short of fully grasping his nemesis.
"Run, run as fast as you can, can't catch me I'm-"
WHUMP
Arrogance was never a good thing. Too bad no one had informed Kon.
And karma in all its glory took the form of Rukia's foot a' top the poor little plushie's non-existent spine.
At the foot of the stairs…how ironic.
Kon thought in bitter defeat. Had there been time to waste he would have had to endure a yelling accompanied by a strangling match against Ichigo (if not worse things like taking another trip to the microwave) in punishment. But because time was of the essence, as hallow's eat small none-living wandering spirit children, the orange haired teen wasted no time in….extracting the soul candy from within the plush lion.
"Oof!" Kon, now inhabiting Ichigo's flesh body, plummeted to the ground with the force of a few mega tons, imprinting an Ichigo shaped crater within the wood.
"Thanks a lot you arrogant, ungrateful, egotistical, devil incarnate bas-" They were already gone.
Kon's curse upon all humanity (Just Ichigo really, Kon wasn't heartless enough to condemn all the pretty ladies in the world…but Ichigo or any other un-pretteh men guilty by association…were fair game however) fell short as he used eyebrows not his own to glare in the general direction his violators had gone.
"Grrrr I'll show you lot!" Kon flailed aggressively at no one in particular completely missing Ichigo's sister, Yuzu, who had moments ago descended from the very stairs that so very mockingly taunted Kon's freedom.
"Ich…Ichigo?" she questioned, not at all certain as to why her brother was sitting in a crater yelling at the wall.
"Eeeek!" Ichigo from Yuzu's eyes sprang into the air, product of a "second too late" spidey-sense and the paranoid reflex mutated from the many months spent being snuck up, and pounced upon by various residents in the Kurosaki household.
Strangely, or fortunately, this freakish action did not bother the small girl. She had more important things to be bothered by.
"Oh no! Poor lil' guy," Yuzu said in something akin to sympathy, eyeing the plushie lying on the floor at her feet looking a bit worse for wear.
Ah young girl's attention spans are a wondrous thing.
Kon thought briefly noting that his muscles appeared to be in a frozen like state, refusing to release their violent clutch on the ceiling fan, in conclusion to his spazz attack.
"Don't worry, I'll clean you up," Yuzu spoke kindly to the lion doll creature, picking him up and flicking some dust off his bedraggled fur.
Upon hearing these words, you'd think Pepsi was being discontinued by the way "Ichigo" or rather Kon possessing his body, reacted which consisted of a frightening display of face turning an unhealthy shade of white accompanied by the look of terror one usually gets after dreaming about Freddy Krueger in a tiny thong bikini.
You see contrary to logical belief, clean up had some very serious differences in meaning when coming from Yuzu for it depended solely on what or to whom she had directed the statement too. And when the heat seeking missiles complete with homing devices were fired at Kon, or the plushie body he inhabited at least, clean up typically meant washing machines, dresses, makeup, pig tails, earrings complete with glue or staples, and the rare but occasional trip to glitter land where all the glitter is free, shiny and near impossible to wash out.
"NOOOOOO!" Kon sailed through the air and landed gracefully in front of Yuzu, "I-I'll do it!" He nabbed the plushie and sprung up the stairs in one leaping bound leaving behind the skeptical little sister of his nemesis.
After a moment of consideration, the motivated Yuzu proceeded to the kitchen, setting her sights on chucking all the Red Bull from the premises.
Red Bull. Ha. I don't think that's entirely what gives Kon the ability to leap like a bedspring on steroids. (sarcasm ftw)
Will probably turn into a series of oneshots. Maybe.