KICKING ASS FOR LIFE

NOTE: This is a fanfiction based on the Kick-Ass film and comics. The characters are owned and created by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr and this is not meant for profit.

CHAPTER ONE: A Day in the Life

Where should I begin?

Since last we met, a lot has happened to me. I've experienced the triumphs of the mundane such as learning how to drive (not that I can afford a car), discovering the taste of alcohol (bitterness and broken dreams), oh and Katie helped me define the term fellatio (definition: awesome).

But that's not what you want to hear about, is it? You want to hear about the superheroics of Kick-Ass: the handsome and imposing boy from Queens who continues dawning his costume/green condom to strike fear and vengeance in the hearts of criminals everywhere. Right? Well get lost, dude. Weren't you paying attention last time? I hung the tights up. I outgrew that shit and went on with my life. I'm now happily married and living in New Jersey waiting for the birth of our first child.

….

I'm just fucking with you, man. Sorry, I had to! Okay, in all seriousness….yeah I'm still Kick-Ass and I'm doing my part to kick the world's proverbial ass. But it's getting harder every day. As you may have heard, I've recently had my secret identity exposed, my house blown up and a loved one put in a coma. But let's not get ahead of ourselves by giving you the cable news version. What happened to me wasn't "fair and balanced." It sucks. Still, I guess it shouldn't have come as a surprise. It started almost two years after Mindy and I brought down Frank D'Amico, thereby fucking la cosa nostra up, and a few days before Kick-Ass made his grand return to the world….

Like nearly every morning, I woke out of bed fifteen minutes after the alarm went off. It's not that I hit snooze a bunch; it's that I could sleep through CB Sully crash landing another plane on top of the house next door. By the time I was dressed for school in my usual nerd chic, Dad was at the breakfast table eating from that damned cereal box with that damned bee on it. Honestly, since Mom died he has fallen into the same routine for three years and is trying to take me down with him. At 7:15 every morning (7:26 for me) he sits there at that table and eats cereal in silence. He gets home at about the other 7:15 every evening and sits in front of the TV, slowly inhaling chili. On the nights that I'm not lucky enough to be contorting my body into unnatural shapes with Katie in every back alley, subway station and creek bed in our borough (don't ask), I'm sitting next to the old man wondering why anybody would want to be an "Ice Road Trucker" while I mindlessly gum my chili.

"Dave, you gonna' be home to help me put together the new book shelf tonight?" he asked.

I turned to face my father who has been anxious for some quality bonding time as of late. Instead of trying to have a natural conversation with me, he opts to buy put-it-together-yourself pieces of furniture from IKEA.

"No, I got this meeting after school," I said truthfully. I gauged the disappointment in my father's eyes as minimal. I knew I would make it up to him on the weekend. With that I grabbed the piece of toast he left out for me and I was out the door.

Outside, I passed our new-ish dog, Chrissy. She was a small mutt of some kind I found behind the closed Atomic Comics shop a few months back. Given she was a runt I named her after Chris D'Amico aka the Red Mist aka the douchebag who betrayed me and got Mindy's dad killed. Last I head he took his father's bottomless fortune and went to Eastern Europe to live like an '80s action movie villain. I gave Chrissy a brief pat on the head and went about my day.

At school, Marty and Todd were already in heated conversation. They were arguing about who had the cooler trailer for the summer: Thor or Green Lantern. Marty said he was sick of Marvel and their bullshit after they ditched Ed Norton for Alice in Wonderland's sperm donor dad in the new Avengers movie (yeah….) and Todd has had a thing for Natalie Portman since watching Mila Kunis invade her Naboo with her tongue. I don't think he even noticed it was a flick about ballet. I, myself think both look like crap and am kind of over the whole superhero movie thing after living one that is 20x better than almost any Hollywood effort. It was at about the moment when Marty was explaining how a magic ring was way cooler than a magic hammer when Katie showed up.

"Hey Dave, Todd…Marty," Katie said as she beamed her 20-gig smile. She was in a blue blouse and dark jeans. With little effort she still made me catch my breath.

"Hey Katie," Marty mumbled as he excused himself and Todd. Marty and Erika had broken up nine months ago. No scratch that. Erika dumped Marty over a text message when her popularity points went down from being with him for too long. Ever since, things have been as chilly as the Superman's arctic bedroom between him and Katie.

On the other hand, Katie and I were great. She didn't give two shits about what these children around her thought. Her lack of respect for them forced them to respect her all the more. Thus, given her pop status around the school, I was like the First Geek. Katie was still Katie freaking Deauxma and I was her plus one. I'm not knocking myself. I love being a plus one. Until a few years ago, I just existed. Like every American kid really knows, I tried my hardest to be normal and not stick out. For most of the world sticking out meant you were worse than worthless—you were worth ridicule. Being Katie's plus one for life had its endless advantages. When I want to feel special in the way mommy and daddy always told me I was, I lurk on Internet message boards that talk about the importance of Kick-Ass and how he was a cultural trendsetter. What can I say other than I'm vaguely narcissistic?

"So, we're on for tonight?" she pleasantly asked me.

"Yeah, I'll come over around 8 o'clock. We can watch Glee and then I'll make you reach a high note," I said with a smirk.

"Dave," Katie said with a sigh.

"Okay, perhaps a medium note…"

"Dave, we're supposed to be getting dinner," she murmured. I could see the gray clouds of weariness flood into her eyes.

"Katie, you know I said I couldn't do it tonight."

"I know what you're doing. And I think it has to be therapeutic for both you and Mindy. What you've done for her since you 'found' her is great. But Kick-Ass is over."

I looked at her hard the moment after I glanced over my shoulder to make sure nobody heard the KA word.

"You think I don't know that?" I exclaimed in a whisper. "I put the suit away for you and haven't looked back. I'm not a lonely 16-year-old anymore. You're more than enough."

"Enough?" she said in the way a girl does that can make a guy shrivel up downstairs.

"Katie, you're all I'll ever need. But I'm doing this for me. It's an outlet. Besides, it's good to know that I can protect you in case another Razul ever comes calling." At that I saw a half smile appear and vanish across her face. It let me know that the bomb was defused and we could go down from DEFCON 1.

"I'll be at your house at 8 and we'll get our Lea Michele on. Just know you're not going to have a voice tomorrow," I said as I kissed her forehead. She gave me a knowing smile. Crisis averted.

After school I immediately made it to the abandoned dojo attached to the back of a Gold's Gym. It was decrepit, dirty and smelled like athlete's foot. It also had been run out of business by the Flying Dragon-Monkey Tiquando thingy down the street. Thus, it was perfect for us.

Inside was a lobby covered in saw dust and a training/dance room whose mirrors were stolen long ago. There, sitting on a wobbly stole that was missing half a leg under the dim, florescent lights, was a pint-sized angelic little girl. She was 13-years-old and only months away from that horror of horrors—teenage puberty. Still she looked like an innocent adolescent garbed in pink and purple with her long blond hair pulled back into a ponytail. The only thing unusual was the mask she wore. Being it was meant for when she was 11, it was too small now and obstructed her face some. I would laugh if I didn't mind a broken femur.

"Boy, Mindy you're getting bigger every day," I chirped.

"It's called puberty, jackass. You should try it sometime." Mindy said this in a way where it was neither quite an insult nor a joke. Just her way of saying "hello" or "nice to see you too."

"Shall we begin?" she growled.

Fifteen minutes later I was cradling my body like it had just given birth.

"C'mon you little pussy, fight like a man!" she barked. "I said, HIT ME!"

I swung my arm with all my strength to the side of her head. She inevitably blocked it by jabbing my elbow with her fingertips as she kung fu chopped my kidneys. I collapsed onto the broken boards a hot, sweaty, bloody mess.

"You ever considered taking it a bit easier on me?" I moaned. "Hitting me at half force would be a great change of pace."

"How else are you going to learn how to fight?" Mindy said with an eye roll. "This isn't the Karate Kid, dumbass. You don't wax cars for a month and end up with a black belt. My dad would have you do a hundred pushups for all this whining."

"Not if he cracked my goddamn ribs, man. I feel like Rhianna after a quiet night in."

Mindy sat down beside me drinking from her bottle of water. She then offered me a sip, which for her was a gesture that spoke volumes. I sheepishly consumed the H20.

"If it hurts so much, why do you come here three times a week dressed in that," she said pointing to my costume. "I know you must carry that around all the time in your backpack. If you're done with the superhero game, why bother?"

"Do you miss it?" I said, dodging her question.

"Marcus won't let me go out anymore. I feel way more normal now that Daddy isn't training me how to kill a room full of junkies as a fun Saturday afternoon. Yet, there is something to be said of feeling those junkies' blood splash across your face." She gave me a grin. Even though she was talking about hacking and mutilating other human beings to death, there was something so innocent and sweet about this girl. That combined with my indirect role in her father's death, I had no choice but to take her into my home and my life. She lived in my house for two weeks as a "runaway orphan" until Marcus could fill out the proper paperwork to adopt her. Me and Dad still visit those two from time to time. Even Katie loves this girl when she finally got over the fact that Mindy was the mini-Terminator that killed a dozen guys on the Internet.

Mindy offered me a hand up. I asked her if she was able to meet again tomorrow and she said she would be. So it was time for me to clean up and head over to Katie's.

After Glee I offered Katie a chance to reenact the upside down kiss….again. We were sitting on the yellow spread of her yellow, yellow room. She was wearing my favorite of her yellow nighties. It was the three S's: Small, See-Through and Sexy. The last part was aided by the fact that her mom was going to be out until 11pm.

"Dave, I just want to do something that doesn't involve heroism and damsels, tonight," Katie breathed. "I find it exhausting after a while."

"Oh really," I said as I kissed her face from the upside down position on the bed where she lay. I worked my way down to her neckline, "There are more things to do upside down…" I stopped to lick her naval ring through the oh-so-thin nightie. "—Than kiss."

Katie and I commenced in doing things that would be illegal in some states to witness.